Guidance from those that has been here before
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Join Date: Feb 2023
Posts: 3
Guidance from those that has been here before
Hi, first of all I want to start of saying I’m new to this and I am beyond happy I has by luck found a community that gets it. For a very long time I’ve felt alone and isolated. So I wanted to just say: thank you. Thank you for your time to spend countless hours just replaying to strangers like myself.
My situation is similar to a lot of situations I find on here. The pain and agony of loving an alcoholic. We have not been “together” for long. But I guess when it is toxic everything feels way more intense.
At first I didn’t have much problem with his drinking, but it was the constant lying. It got bad when he would not see reality of things but whenever he would drink he would make scenarios where he would make the slightest thing turn into a catastrophic event. Black paint(?) the picture of the situation completely and far away from how the reality was.
He had been sober for a year with the help of his family before he met me. I wasn’t aware there was an alcohol problem so when we met I thought the normal thing would be to grab a drink. I didn’t care much if he did, but I grabbed one myself and later he did the same.
I never knew that was the beginning of a downward spiral once again. A month into the relationship he admits he has had an alcohol problem. He said has. The past. I believe him.
His family automatically started to dislike me thinking I was the one as he stated to drink again. I never knew it was that bad, and our relationship we never drank much together. I didn’t know he would drink plenty once left alone.
Our relationship came to an end after he had painted me quite badly towards his family. This was due to an argument we had where we didn’t agree about money / moving in. I said it was too soon, and we could continue to see each other but not to move in.
It once again left a bad taste in his family’s mouth and they strongly disliked me. A lot of things was said and my boyfriend just stood there while all these things was said against me.
I felt heartbroken and left.
Months later, I worked a lot of myself and he came back saying he had as well. He was utterly sorry about his past behavior and said things had changed.
I had missed him? And decided to see the good in him and that change was possible?
It wasn’t long before the drinking got out of control once again. Not once, twice! So out of control, he himself realizes it and wanted to seek help.
Now he sees a therapist every week, along with goes to AA everyday.
He has been almost 5 months sober and I couldn’t be happier.
Until recently he relapsed again. Twice. I told him I would leave him the first time if that was to happen. But I took him back thinking he is working on himself and is making progress maybe I am being too harsh?
Until the second relapse after getting help. I couldn’t anymore. I told him it was killing me seeing him hurting himself in such way and being on the outside I can’t bear to see someone I love hurting themselves in such way..
I want to go no contact but due to getting my things back it has been difficult to cut all contact immediately.. it is a long process but I think we are getting there???
In the end he cries saying how hurtful it is of me not wanting anything to do with him.. that I left him when he needed time the most… (he said, but at his lowest he talked about wanting to see other girls).
I try to think it isn’t him saying those hurtful things once drunk.. but it doesn’t dismiss my feelings of hurt towards it..
Please share with me any knowledge you might have. I am in so much pain feeling so lost..
His mother said “the thing is.. I’ve come to realize that you can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped but all we can do is to support him until he gets the help he needs”
Am I too weak? To not be able to stand in such situation???
My situation is similar to a lot of situations I find on here. The pain and agony of loving an alcoholic. We have not been “together” for long. But I guess when it is toxic everything feels way more intense.
At first I didn’t have much problem with his drinking, but it was the constant lying. It got bad when he would not see reality of things but whenever he would drink he would make scenarios where he would make the slightest thing turn into a catastrophic event. Black paint(?) the picture of the situation completely and far away from how the reality was.
He had been sober for a year with the help of his family before he met me. I wasn’t aware there was an alcohol problem so when we met I thought the normal thing would be to grab a drink. I didn’t care much if he did, but I grabbed one myself and later he did the same.
I never knew that was the beginning of a downward spiral once again. A month into the relationship he admits he has had an alcohol problem. He said has. The past. I believe him.
His family automatically started to dislike me thinking I was the one as he stated to drink again. I never knew it was that bad, and our relationship we never drank much together. I didn’t know he would drink plenty once left alone.
Our relationship came to an end after he had painted me quite badly towards his family. This was due to an argument we had where we didn’t agree about money / moving in. I said it was too soon, and we could continue to see each other but not to move in.
It once again left a bad taste in his family’s mouth and they strongly disliked me. A lot of things was said and my boyfriend just stood there while all these things was said against me.
I felt heartbroken and left.
Months later, I worked a lot of myself and he came back saying he had as well. He was utterly sorry about his past behavior and said things had changed.
I had missed him? And decided to see the good in him and that change was possible?
It wasn’t long before the drinking got out of control once again. Not once, twice! So out of control, he himself realizes it and wanted to seek help.
Now he sees a therapist every week, along with goes to AA everyday.
He has been almost 5 months sober and I couldn’t be happier.
Until recently he relapsed again. Twice. I told him I would leave him the first time if that was to happen. But I took him back thinking he is working on himself and is making progress maybe I am being too harsh?
Until the second relapse after getting help. I couldn’t anymore. I told him it was killing me seeing him hurting himself in such way and being on the outside I can’t bear to see someone I love hurting themselves in such way..
I want to go no contact but due to getting my things back it has been difficult to cut all contact immediately.. it is a long process but I think we are getting there???
In the end he cries saying how hurtful it is of me not wanting anything to do with him.. that I left him when he needed time the most… (he said, but at his lowest he talked about wanting to see other girls).
I try to think it isn’t him saying those hurtful things once drunk.. but it doesn’t dismiss my feelings of hurt towards it..
Please share with me any knowledge you might have. I am in so much pain feeling so lost..
His mother said “the thing is.. I’ve come to realize that you can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped but all we can do is to support him until he gets the help he needs”
Am I too weak? To not be able to stand in such situation???
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,653
Hi nameuser. No, you aren't weak, you are normal!
You have been on a rollercoaster ride with an alcoholic. If you do stick around, you get to keep on riding (possibly for years and years).
It's really futile to try to separate "him" from "drinking him" because he is one and the same person. The things he says and does that hurt you are him, yes, perhaps while drunk, but it doesn't change the effect it has on you.
Things like that will start to undermine your sense of self-worth and self-esteem over time, please don't let it.
Dating is about finding a person we might want to have a relationship with. This isn't the guy for you is it?
What his Mother said is partially true, you can't help someone who doesn't want help. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). If love and caring could cure alcoholism, this forum would be all but empty.
As for "support", that's her choice, he is her Son and she will be there for him or not as she sees fit. You, on the other hand, are his girlfriend and I assume you would like to have a nice healthy relationship with someone compatible, maybe get married one day, have children? All of that is not where he's at.
You have been on a rollercoaster ride with an alcoholic. If you do stick around, you get to keep on riding (possibly for years and years).
It's really futile to try to separate "him" from "drinking him" because he is one and the same person. The things he says and does that hurt you are him, yes, perhaps while drunk, but it doesn't change the effect it has on you.
Things like that will start to undermine your sense of self-worth and self-esteem over time, please don't let it.
Dating is about finding a person we might want to have a relationship with. This isn't the guy for you is it?
What his Mother said is partially true, you can't help someone who doesn't want help. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). If love and caring could cure alcoholism, this forum would be all but empty.
As for "support", that's her choice, he is her Son and she will be there for him or not as she sees fit. You, on the other hand, are his girlfriend and I assume you would like to have a nice healthy relationship with someone compatible, maybe get married one day, have children? All of that is not where he's at.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2023
Posts: 3
Thank you a million for taking your time to reply
Hi trailmix, I hope I am doing this reply thing right?
But I just wanted to tell you how thankful I am for your reply and how spot on you are on everything.
You have given me a support I didn’t even know I needed so badly. Thank you. I feel heard and seen.
The reason for our first breakup was the self esteem part, I was broken to my guts.. The way he made me feel was so horrible about my self worth.. things I never had even thought of myself or others in that matter. It was so cruel.. and I regret ever getting to that point in my life…
The part about waiting a life partner, children etc.. has been something I have thought of heavily.. We simply aren’t compatible, which is ok. It is sad. But I guess that’s life sometime? You can’t get everything you wish for and want.. and sometimes for the better!
Again, thank you a million for your response. I am beyond thankful for the kindness you’ve showed a stranger like myself. You have left me with an everlasting impression I will forever take with me. Thank you.
But I just wanted to tell you how thankful I am for your reply and how spot on you are on everything.
You have given me a support I didn’t even know I needed so badly. Thank you. I feel heard and seen.
The reason for our first breakup was the self esteem part, I was broken to my guts.. The way he made me feel was so horrible about my self worth.. things I never had even thought of myself or others in that matter. It was so cruel.. and I regret ever getting to that point in my life…
The part about waiting a life partner, children etc.. has been something I have thought of heavily.. We simply aren’t compatible, which is ok. It is sad. But I guess that’s life sometime? You can’t get everything you wish for and want.. and sometimes for the better!
Again, thank you a million for your response. I am beyond thankful for the kindness you’ve showed a stranger like myself. You have left me with an everlasting impression I will forever take with me. Thank you.
Originally Posted by trailmix 
Hi nameuser. No, you aren't weak, you are normal!
You have been on a rollercoaster ride with an alcoholic. If you do stick around, you get to keep on riding (possibly for years and years).
It's really futile to try to separate "him" from "drinking him" because he is one and the same person. The things he says and does that hurt you are him, yes, perhaps while drunk, but it doesn't change the effect it has on you.
Things like that will start to undermine your sense of self-worth and self-esteem over time, please don't let it.
Dating is about finding a person we might want to have a relationship with. This isn't the guy for you is it?
What his Mother said is partially true, you can't help someone who doesn't want help. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). If love and caring could cure alcoholism, this forum would be all but empty.
As for "support", that's her choice, he is her Son and she will be there for him or not as she sees fit. You, on the other hand, are his girlfriend and I assume you would like to have a nice healthy relationship with someone compatible, maybe get married one day, have children? All of that is not where he's at.
You have been on a rollercoaster ride with an alcoholic. If you do stick around, you get to keep on riding (possibly for years and years).
It's really futile to try to separate "him" from "drinking him" because he is one and the same person. The things he says and does that hurt you are him, yes, perhaps while drunk, but it doesn't change the effect it has on you.
Things like that will start to undermine your sense of self-worth and self-esteem over time, please don't let it.
Dating is about finding a person we might want to have a relationship with. This isn't the guy for you is it?
What his Mother said is partially true, you can't help someone who doesn't want help. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). If love and caring could cure alcoholism, this forum would be all but empty.
As for "support", that's her choice, he is her Son and she will be there for him or not as she sees fit. You, on the other hand, are his girlfriend and I assume you would like to have a nice healthy relationship with someone compatible, maybe get married one day, have children? All of that is not where he's at.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,549
His mommy says, "I’ve come to realize that you can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped but all we can do is to support him until he gets the help he needs””
What the heck does she mean by that? "We need to kowtow to him and fulfill every desire until he decides to get sober." Nope, nope, nope.
Others have said this, but it still bears repeating.
This is the person he is today. He is addicted. He bad-mouthed you to his family, and then stood there and did nothing while they lamb-basted you. he has relapsed four (?) times since you've started dating. He had a hissy-fit and started drinking when you wouldn't move in with him (and take care of him/support him financially?) the very moment he wanted you to. He blames you for his drinking, even though the problem existed before you met.
"... it is a long process but I think we are getting there???"
People aren't projects. Relationships aren't reform school.
What the heck does she mean by that? "We need to kowtow to him and fulfill every desire until he decides to get sober." Nope, nope, nope.
Others have said this, but it still bears repeating.
This is the person he is today. He is addicted. He bad-mouthed you to his family, and then stood there and did nothing while they lamb-basted you. he has relapsed four (?) times since you've started dating. He had a hissy-fit and started drinking when you wouldn't move in with him (and take care of him/support him financially?) the very moment he wanted you to. He blames you for his drinking, even though the problem existed before you met.
"... it is a long process but I think we are getting there???"
People aren't projects. Relationships aren't reform school.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2023
Posts: 3
Thank you for replying
Hi Velma,
Thank you for your response and your insight on the matter. You are right and I completely agree with everything you said.
Sorry if it got unclear with the “.. it is a long process but I think we are getting there” I meant as in getting my things back from his. We have to be communicating a bit before we can finally cut ties.
Thank you for your response and your insight on the matter. You are right and I completely agree with everything you said.
Sorry if it got unclear with the “.. it is a long process but I think we are getting there” I meant as in getting my things back from his. We have to be communicating a bit before we can finally cut ties.
Originally Posted by velma929
His mommy says, "I’ve come to realize that you can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped but all we can do is to support him until he gets the help he needs””
What the heck does she mean by that? "We need to kowtow to him and fulfill every desire until he decides to get sober." Nope, nope, nope.
Others have said this, but it still bears repeating.
This is the person he is today. He is addicted. He bad-mouthed you to his family, and then stood there and did nothing while they lamb-basted you. he has relapsed four (?) times since you've started dating. He had a hissy-fit and started drinking when you wouldn't move in with him (and take care of him/support him financially?) the very moment he wanted you to. He blames you for his drinking, even though the problem existed before you met.
"... it is a long process but I think we are getting there???"
People aren't projects. Relationships aren't reform school.
What the heck does she mean by that? "We need to kowtow to him and fulfill every desire until he decides to get sober." Nope, nope, nope.
Others have said this, but it still bears repeating.
This is the person he is today. He is addicted. He bad-mouthed you to his family, and then stood there and did nothing while they lamb-basted you. he has relapsed four (?) times since you've started dating. He had a hissy-fit and started drinking when you wouldn't move in with him (and take care of him/support him financially?) the very moment he wanted you to. He blames you for his drinking, even though the problem existed before you met.
"... it is a long process but I think we are getting there???"
People aren't projects. Relationships aren't reform school.
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