Heartbroken31

Hi, so it is now nearly 5 months since my husband left and he still hasn't spoken to me. He has been blaming me to anyone who will listen for his drinking and I believe his drinking hasn't got any better.
He sees the kids a few hours a week sometimes overnight - supervised at my insistence and has left me to deal with all their emotions and physical needs.
I have discovered new debts and new issues from just before he left and the lies he has told tells me in my head that we should not be together but we had what I thought was 20 very happy years married. I can't seem to let go. I cry everyday.
I want to move on and get on with my life but my memories won't let me even though he's telling everyone he was never happy and my life was yet another lie..
How did you all find the strength to move on or is it just a waiting game?

MyGirlGracie

Hello HB31! It's like that old saying... just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I know it is hard, but please understand, your husband is blaming you for something that he is choosing to do because it is what he WANTS to do. Can you imagine how powerful you would be if his lies were the truth?! If you could MAKE someone be an alcoholic, you could just as easily MAKE someone not drink, right?

He is just blowing smoke because that is what he is good at doing. I am so sorry that you are hurting, but I hope you can put some of that energy into healing yourself. YOU know what your life was like and that is all that matters when you look in the mirror. You deserve so much more and are worth so much more than living in the wake of alcoholic chaos!

Please don't be a stranger, there's a lot of support right here.

MGG

sage1969

My deceased husband placed blame on me for all his addictions, debts, choices, and even after he passed, his family placed blame on me for his death . . . one thing addicts are very good at is not taking responsibility for their choices or being accountable for the consequences of what they say or do.

Your reality is what you decide it is, not what someone else tries to put on you (that is gas - lighting). Your reality is you are responsible for you and your children, and making a good life from this point going forward.

Your qualifier is deep in his addiction and will say or do whatever it takes to continue drinking / using. You've got some good things in place, as far as supervised visitation; going forward all you can do is make choices for you and for your children. Your memories of the better times are just that, both yours and memories. He gets no say in how you feel about those, nor does he get a say in how you choose to move forward.

It really does take some time. You are still in early days of your new life. You are enough just being you. Eventually it won't hurt as much. You are going through a grief cycle, so expect that you will feel different emotions as you work through it all.

trailmix

I don't think it is just a waiting game. The time to go through the emotion of missing the relationship is necessary, but you can help to move yourself forward.

That absolutely doesn't mean stuffing your feelings down and soldiering on! Ignoring the feelings is never a good idea. What it does mean is you need to heal from this and like any injury to ourselves, we can help with that.

Are you taking good care of yourself? Are you making sure you are eating well? Getting enough sleep? There is an acronym - HALT - are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired? You need to check on yourself during the day, make sure you are taking care of yourself, it's easy to let this stuff slip when we aren't feeling happy.

Are you depressed, have you seen a doctor if so. Have you researched alcoholism, so you understand a bit of how addiction works and how it is not personal.

You don't need to do this alone. We are here for you. Have you looked in to Al Anon meetings at all? Is therapy and option? You've had a big emotional event in your life, time to circle the wagons. Friends and Family can help too, even if they don't really understand alcoholism, you can have lunch! Invite someone over for a movie night or dinner.

Certainly if YOU were the cause of his alcoholism (you're not) he would be free of his addiction after 6 months alone right! He can justify what he does any way he wants, you don't have to listen to it or take it to heart.

Just because he is a cad now, doesn't mean the whole marriage was a lie. Alcoholism is progressive. Who he was 3 years ago and where he was at is not where he is now. The memories are tough, unfortunately that guy and they guy he is now are not the same. It can be hard to wrap your head around, but it's important to really look at that.

Amaranth

Hi Heartbroken
keep crying, every day. It will help you to let go. 5 months is really a very short time compared to the 20 years you were together. There is a lot of shock, hurt, disappointment, loss to work through and you have to work through it if you want to truly move on. Work through it and leave it all behind so you don't end up taking it with you. The memories will become less vivid as you begin to build new ones. The old ones will become just that, old and distant. It's important to look forwards to your new life while you grieve for your old life. Try to make a point of spending equal or more time thinking about your future as you do about your past every day.
It does get easier. You will find the strength. It really is ok to cry.

Seren

Grief has its own course, its own rhythm, and its own time. Six months compared to 20 years...

The waves of grief will begin to get smaller and smaller. Almost imperceptibly at first, but one day you will realize that this overwhelming sadness isn't the first thing you think about in the morning. It does get better, I promise.

Heartbroken31

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I have tried alanon and it didnt feel right for me at the time as my AH doesn't live with me and everyone there was dealing with it day to day. I do read allot of their literature though. I have councelling hopefully coming up, NHS waiting list unfortunately and I have considered meds but not got there yet on that. I have a maybe misguided opinion that I need to feel just how bad every bump in the road is so I'm never tempted to go back, if that ever became an option.
I understand everything you have all said and thank you. I have a much better understanding of Alcoholism now than most through the research I have done. I guess I'm just finding it hard to understand that this is a man that no matter what we always laughed. I only found out about the drinking 4 weeks before he left and I was very quick to set my boundaries.. nothing less than getting him help. It was obviously too early for him and that's also fine.. as much as this hurts, the chaos that I believe his family have dealt with since would not have been good for me or my children so on that account I don't regret a thing. In fact I don't regret any of it. We had a great life, 3 wonderful children and we were comfortable. My treatment of him is also not up for debate as far as I'm concerned. Was I perfect hell no but we always treated each other well - apart from his lies and I always felt until the day he left that I was loved.
I know one day I will have a new life and I wont care as much but for now .. the tears, they just keep falling. It may he with Xmas coming up. We always had huge get togethers but now it wont happen and I worry my kids will have fun. I'll try my best too make that happen. Thanks again..

Emmalyn

Hi Heartbroken -

You asked if it was just a waiting game. and I want to attempt to answer this from my perspective, as I understand what kind of pain you are in.

Here is what didn't work for me:

Isolating
Toughing it out
Hanging on to hope (that he will get it, make changes, etc)
Being scared to try new things
Beating myself up or pity parties
Believing I have to be perfect (and so does he)
Worrying about the future
Obsessing over past hurts
Trying to understand alcoholism
Trying to diagnose him
Trying to figure out what will get through to him

Here is what worked for me:
Going to therapy
Going to Alanon - doesn't matter if he is gone or not.. GO
Going to my doctor
Crying
Appreciating something beautiful (art, a sunset, a lovely novel)
Talking to friends or making NEW ones
Having fun
Walking, running, just moving my body
Enjoying my pets
Watching something grow from a seed
Loving your kiddos
Focusing on everything BUT him
Forgiving myself. Forgiving him.


Don't waste your energy, this is truly one of those times to let go and let God.

And please, don't hold out hope for him / her to change, stop doing whatever or become that person you want. Really, truly move on. Then one day you will look back at this time in your life and credit it for making you as strong as you knew you always were.

Healing will come.

Hugs to you my friend.

Emma

Heartbroken31

I'm doubting myself tonight. All the research, the help, the knowledge of all you wonderful people and I just can't shake this feeling that I must have done something. I must be to blame in some way. I'll feel differently tomorrow I know but today its doubt.

trailmix

That's completely normal.

In a "normal" relationship, we can sometimes look and think, ok well I didn't handle that well, or I shouldn't have snapped or etc etc. It's how we keep a check on ourselves, we always want to do better. We try to help our partner too and they reciprocate (generally).

In a dysfunctional relationship - in this case one where addiction is present, "normal" rules/ways don't apply. That can be tough. You don't think like an alcoholic or addict so how can you apply their reasoning to your situation? You can't think like him, it's just not possible. All you can do is accept that is the way he is. If you try logic, you will struggle, like putting a square peg in a round hole.

My Father was an alcoholic, I saw this play out over the 20 years they were married. My Mom was great (a non-drinker), she was kind, funny as heck, she listened to us, she was smart and generous. Could she have "fixed" my Dad, fixed his alcoholism, gone along longer than she did with him? No.

Is that on her? Could she have done something differently? No. He made his choices in life. He was a grown up man and he did make those choices and he made a lot of bad ones, it has to be said. Was he evil? Not really. At his core he was actually quite a nice person.

He wasn't the same man she married when she did eventually divorce him. Granted he was never a great husband or father really, but it got worse. In the last 10 years I would say there was no real "relationship" between them, just a mutually beneficial living arrangement, hers financial, his - some stability.

What could you have done differently? Short of accepting his alcoholism - lock, stock and barrel (no complaining, no suggestions to get "help", no restraint on his drinking) what else is there? That's what he really wants.

ToughChoices

We have all made mistakes. Realizing that I was flawed, broken, ignorant, and inconsiderate in some of my responses and reactions to my XAH’s drinking was important for my recovery.

I tended to view the world in rather black/white terms. If my X was EVIL, then I was GOOD……If he was WRONG, then I was RIGHT. 🤦‍♀️ Except, it turns out, life is much more complicated (and beautiful) than that.

My alcoholic made mistakes. I did, too. I worked hard to forgive him, but it was actually most difficult to forgive myself.

Alcoholism is an affliction that injures EVERYONE.

Try to give yourself some well-deserved grace. God loves and forgives you. You are a lovely, caring, flawed human. You are not required to be ideal. I, personally, believe God is pleased when we are progressing. Only His love can make us perfect, so, breathe deep and try to rest easy.

It’s ok if you made some mistakes.

Big hugs,
-TC

SparkleKitty

For me, that feeling of "I must have done something" was really my need to try to control other people for my own comfort.

If it was my fault, then I could fix it.

If it was my fault, then there was something I could avoid doing next time.

And the alcoholics in my life capitalized upon that codependent quality in me so that they could also blame me and avoid responsibility for their own actions.

We are all accountable for our own behavior, but it took awhile for me to dig past the things I wanted to take responsibility for to get to the things I really needed to take responsibility for, which had nothing to do with the alcoholics i was enmeshed with.