Dating a Guy1.5 Years in Recovery
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Join Date: Nov 2022
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Dating a Guy1.5 Years in Recovery
Hi All,
I’m new here, so hi.
The title of my post should really have read “dated” a guy in recovery. We dated for about 2 months. He’s 1.5 years into recovery from alcohol and in his words, “just about anything I could get my hands on.” He seems super devoted to his sobriety—regularly goes to meetings, therapy, does a lot of reading and generally works very hard on himself.
We got along great. Easily the healthiest and greatest connection I’ve had with a man in ages. Things felt effortless, fun…. Just GOOD. Not exclusive, but I could feel it was headed in that direction. …. Until a few days ago when he told me that I’m “amazing but he wasn’t ready for a relationship” and wants to focus on rebuilding himself, his finances and figure out how to support his mother, who lives overseas, with a newly diagnosed illness. Quite devastated. He said we could “hang out as friends and he’d always be there if I needed to talk.” I told him that I couldn’t stay “just friends” with someone I’d started developing feelings for. He definitely feels badly and I do not doubt that he cares about me.
My question is: what are the chances he’ll be back after some time? After he feels more settled, more solid. There’s a big part of me that wants that and the comfort of that possibility of it happening, though I am by no means, waiting around for him. Has anyone experienced anything like this?
Thank you for reading x
I’m new here, so hi.
The title of my post should really have read “dated” a guy in recovery. We dated for about 2 months. He’s 1.5 years into recovery from alcohol and in his words, “just about anything I could get my hands on.” He seems super devoted to his sobriety—regularly goes to meetings, therapy, does a lot of reading and generally works very hard on himself.
We got along great. Easily the healthiest and greatest connection I’ve had with a man in ages. Things felt effortless, fun…. Just GOOD. Not exclusive, but I could feel it was headed in that direction. …. Until a few days ago when he told me that I’m “amazing but he wasn’t ready for a relationship” and wants to focus on rebuilding himself, his finances and figure out how to support his mother, who lives overseas, with a newly diagnosed illness. Quite devastated. He said we could “hang out as friends and he’d always be there if I needed to talk.” I told him that I couldn’t stay “just friends” with someone I’d started developing feelings for. He definitely feels badly and I do not doubt that he cares about me.
My question is: what are the chances he’ll be back after some time? After he feels more settled, more solid. There’s a big part of me that wants that and the comfort of that possibility of it happening, though I am by no means, waiting around for him. Has anyone experienced anything like this?
Thank you for reading x
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
I was widowed twelve years ago. I started dating again, and it was rocky. I wasn't good at dating when I was young, and no better at it in my fifties.
"I'm not ready for a relationship" was the kindest brush-off I got. "I'm not emotionally ready / I don't have the finances to date / I'm not emotionally available for a new relationship" etc. None of the men ever tried to reconnect, and even the one who said he wanted to remain friends disappeared.
On the upside, the right man did eventually find me.
I think he thinks the two of you aren't a match. YMMV.
"I'm not ready for a relationship" was the kindest brush-off I got. "I'm not emotionally ready / I don't have the finances to date / I'm not emotionally available for a new relationship" etc. None of the men ever tried to reconnect, and even the one who said he wanted to remain friends disappeared.
On the upside, the right man did eventually find me.
I think he thinks the two of you aren't a match. YMMV.
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Join Date: Nov 2022
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Hi Velma.
Thanks for your reply. Generally I’d agree that saying something like that is nice way to brush someone off but I feel what he’s said here in the context of his recovery might actually be true? I’ve found that many men resurface at some point. Not to say you’d be available or interested at that point.
Thanks for your reply. Generally I’d agree that saying something like that is nice way to brush someone off but I feel what he’s said here in the context of his recovery might actually be true? I’ve found that many men resurface at some point. Not to say you’d be available or interested at that point.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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It could be, maybe he really isn't ready for a relationship. I don't know how much you know about what his life was like before he got sober, or how long he was in active addiction, but perhaps it was a flat out mess and he's only now getting himself together.
Getting sober is a big deal (and must be most important), starting a new relationship is a big deal. If he's not feeling comfortable doing both, I can see him giving up the relationship.
The chances of him returning at some point, or not, are just the same as with any person, that's not really a "recovering alcoholic" thing.
Getting sober is a big deal (and must be most important), starting a new relationship is a big deal. If he's not feeling comfortable doing both, I can see him giving up the relationship.
The chances of him returning at some point, or not, are just the same as with any person, that's not really a "recovering alcoholic" thing.
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Join Date: Jul 2021
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I'm not the best person to speak on tbis given my situation but in my case, my ex and I broke up. 2 years later he reached out, a year into recovery. We are slowly (and i mean SLOWLY) seeing how things go and whether we can rebuild trust and something healthy. I've noticed some very positive changes but we are both hesitant to make anything official while he's so new in recovery.
My advice would be to move on. Heal. If he does come back, you'll be in a better position to decide what to do. We tend to focus on being left as opposed to what wasn't working/red flags. In time, you will see things differently.
its entirely possible he is really is not ready and needs to focus on sobriety. There is no timeline for that so don't wait and hope.
My advice would be to move on. Heal. If he does come back, you'll be in a better position to decide what to do. We tend to focus on being left as opposed to what wasn't working/red flags. In time, you will see things differently.
its entirely possible he is really is not ready and needs to focus on sobriety. There is no timeline for that so don't wait and hope.
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Hi! Thank you for taking the time to reply.
I don’t know very many details, but I gather his life was an absolute mess and that he’s moved about 40 miles from the area in which he used to live to avoid the negative connections he had while in active addiction, temptations, etc. (He lived in a kind of notorious party neighborhood in NYC). And he’d mentioned that in our final conversation. Moving out here has been a financial strain for him; he used public transport in the city and not having a car out here adds tons of money to things. He even kind of outlined his budget and how he needs more coming in, how he’s going to have a lot of weekend work coming up that he’ll be taking. (We’d normally only see each other on weekends because he was so wrecked during the week and that.)
I am absolutely not “waiting” for him, or any man for that matter. I’m talking to other people have dates coming up. I’m feeling stupid for initially “giving him a chance,” knowing that he is early-ish into his recovery. And I guess I’m just feeling super bummed because he was the first guy I’ve really liked in ages, felt genuine reciprocal feelings and I felt there was a chance it could have been something more. x
I don’t know very many details, but I gather his life was an absolute mess and that he’s moved about 40 miles from the area in which he used to live to avoid the negative connections he had while in active addiction, temptations, etc. (He lived in a kind of notorious party neighborhood in NYC). And he’d mentioned that in our final conversation. Moving out here has been a financial strain for him; he used public transport in the city and not having a car out here adds tons of money to things. He even kind of outlined his budget and how he needs more coming in, how he’s going to have a lot of weekend work coming up that he’ll be taking. (We’d normally only see each other on weekends because he was so wrecked during the week and that.)
I am absolutely not “waiting” for him, or any man for that matter. I’m talking to other people have dates coming up. I’m feeling stupid for initially “giving him a chance,” knowing that he is early-ish into his recovery. And I guess I’m just feeling super bummed because he was the first guy I’ve really liked in ages, felt genuine reciprocal feelings and I felt there was a chance it could have been something more. x
Originally Posted by trailmix 
It could be, maybe he really isn't ready for a relationship. I don't know how much you know about what his life was like before he got sober, or how long he was in active addiction, but perhaps it was a flat out mess and he's only now getting himself together.
Getting sober is a big deal (and must be most important), starting a new relationship is a big deal. If he's not feeling comfortable doing both, I can see him giving up the relationship.
Getting sober is a big deal (and must be most important), starting a new relationship is a big deal. If he's not feeling comfortable doing both, I can see him giving up the relationship.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Don't feel stupid! You gave your fellow human a chance, nothing wrong with that. You also met a nice person in the process, which is kind of a great thing too. So you know there are good guys out there.
Personally? If I was looking for a long term relationship, I wouldn't date people in early recovery (and I mean anything under 3-5 years in recovery) who are working a solid plan (AA, therapy, some kind of group).
Even that is no guarantee they will always be sober, but it's a good indicator.
He does sound a bit overwhelmed, it's a really good thing that he is realizing what he has to focus on right now.
Personally? If I was looking for a long term relationship, I wouldn't date people in early recovery (and I mean anything under 3-5 years in recovery) who are working a solid plan (AA, therapy, some kind of group).
Even that is no guarantee they will always be sober, but it's a good indicator.
He does sound a bit overwhelmed, it's a really good thing that he is realizing what he has to focus on right now.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
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3-5 years in recovery, minimum. Then remember that recovery/sobriety is a lifelong
challenge. Meetings, new friendships, new ways of coping and also some people in
recovery find they do not want to be around others who are drinking and this removes
a lot of social activities as most cultures equate drinking with socializing. The struggles
will always be with them at the forefront, more for some than others. Some stay
sober for years and then start drinking again, and when they do, they are right back
where they left off, not like when they were new to drinking/using. I have several
people in recovery in my life and love them dearly, but I respect and understand the
challenges they face.
challenge. Meetings, new friendships, new ways of coping and also some people in
recovery find they do not want to be around others who are drinking and this removes
a lot of social activities as most cultures equate drinking with socializing. The struggles
will always be with them at the forefront, more for some than others. Some stay
sober for years and then start drinking again, and when they do, they are right back
where they left off, not like when they were new to drinking/using. I have several
people in recovery in my life and love them dearly, but I respect and understand the
challenges they face.
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