AldenSchooner

I’m still not sure if I can link to my previous posts, so I guess search by my username if you’re interested?

I posted here about a year ago about the death of an ex-ABF who had come back into my life, after which 4+ years of drama ensued, which technically ended with his death, which I had a lot of trouble dealing with. Then my husband kind of blindsided me over something I thought was a past issue.

My last post was just before I departed on a trans-Pacific sail from Southern California to Australia. The trip took 11 weeks or so, which is fast by some standards, especially considering that we sailed to Australia. I journaled the last 8 weeks; the first three can be summed up with one word: seasick. I’ve been sailing since I was a teenager, and I’ve done a couple of Atlantic crossings, but I’ve never been able to avoid it.

For anyone trying to regain their bearings after dealing with trauma, I highly recommend going on an uncomfortable adventure. I know not everyone can drop out of their lives for four months (I went straight to the Maldives after Australia), but if you can do it for just a month, the healing possibilities are amazing. However, I think uncomfortable is the key. Of course it should feel rewarding at the end, even if it’s just “I lived through that”. As I read through my past posts, I barely remember how I was feeling at the time. Bad, obviously. But I’m so much better now. Not 100% - I’ll get to that - but close.

I think getting into the details of a 3 month ocean voyage will be pretty boring for most people. Suffice it to say that other than the seasickness, it went remarkably well. Hell, I thought I was recovered once the seasickness finally subsided. I wanted to die every day. That’ll take your mind off anything. The trip is often pejoratively described as a “Coconut Milk Run”, because it’s deliberately undertaken under the most favorable conditions. We had no breakdowns, no repair stops, and very little bad weather. I did midnight watches (everyone was asleep, and I was the only one at the helm) that made me and my problems feel incredibly insignificant. I was a tiny dot in the ocean of a tiny rock, looking up at the universe.

The fact that I was able to do this, a remarkable blessing, does not escape me. However, hiking the Appalachian Trail, and I hate hiking, would have been equally as cleansing. Even a weekend ropes course would help. Scare the bejesus out of yourself.

I just survived a visit to my hometown, not far from where ex-ABF died. I learned that he was put to rest in a cemetery next to his father, headstone and all. That gave me great comfort. His family had obviously put thought into what was on his headstone, and had gotten the military stuff? that veterans earn and are entitled to when they pass to mark their service. I visited the motel where he died. Some would say that was unadvisable, but I spoke to the owners and they had kind things to say about him. I even went to the Legion Hall where he started to drink the week before he died. The bartender remembered him and although she was quite circumspect, also had kind words to say about him.

I just wanted to be in the places he was just prior to his death. Did I get any sense of his presence? No. Any renewed anger? No. Any attempts to contact his family? No. I was bummed out for a couple of days, but it passed. The only slightly risky thing I did was leave a virtual flower on Find A Grave, with a remembrance. His family could theoretically request that it be removed, but it’s there now. And I sponsored his page to get rid of the ads. $5.00 well spent.

My husband and I have returned to normal. It’s not perfect, and the dead bedroom situation will likely never change, but that’s for a different forum.

I am very thankful to everyone who commented on my posts. I’ve read a few recent ones by others, and it must be exhausting to read about someone’s agony over and over and still be patient and kind even when they don’t listen, or push back, or disappear. Just know that this one, you helped.

My next adventure is knee replacement surgery in a few weeks, which justifies a lot of time on the interwebz. I’m going to stick around and while I know I’m not an expert and I haven’t worked a program, maybe I can just offer a little support and sympathy if appropriate. I’m also sadly following the story of a wonderful friend and family man, you know, one of the “nice guys”, slowly succumb to an always fatal brain disease. It’s absolutely heartbreaking. My wounds were self-inflicted and avoidable. This family’s suffering is unthinkable. Again, much needed perspective.

Xoxo, AldenSchooner

Free2bme888

Wow. Wishing you the best, Alden.

Hugs that you heal well.

sage1969

Each of us needs time to heal, some of us need more space than others. I'm glad you were able to have your months of time on the ocean, and I hope you're able to continue to find healing and peace.

AldenSchooner

I guess I need a LOT of space!!!

trailmix

lol

Welcome back. What an adventure, I'm so glad you were able to do that and really glad you came back with an update.

I hope you will stick around and post.

Bekindalways

That is an amazing story about your trip Alden.

A million years ago when I left my ABF, I was a white water river guide. There was nothing like having a crappy paddle crew on a technically difficult river to take a mind off of heart break and make one live in the present!!!

So very good to hear from you again.

AldenSchooner

That'll do it! White water rafting is terrifying!

It's probably axiomatic that being in a relationship with an alcoholic can necessarily prevent one from stepping away from their daily lives for an extended period of time: money, children, concern about the alcoholic - but not unlike divorce, where a lawyer is essential (but often unaffordable), you only have one job. To take care of yourself. Beg, borrow, or steal* if necessary, and do something active, unrelated to daily life, uncomfortable, and that requires total concentration. It works miracles, really.

*I don't actually mean thievery.