onegoodegg

It's been over a year now since my STBXAH told me he wanted a divorce, and to leave our home. I found out late last year from his dad that he started dating a former co-worker (who is 20 years younger than him) soon after I moved out. When I confronted my ex about it, he said it isn't serious and "maybe he just wants someone to spend time with". While I want to hate this girl, I also feel sorry for her.

Anyways I've been no contact with my ex for a month now, and I'm really trying to work on myself and my happiness, but I'm still struggling. Even though he threw me and our marriage away like a piece of garbage, I still miss the guy I met several years ago. The last photo he sent me was a selfie with our cat. He looked like he had really aged, had a red puffy face, and just looked unhappy. It made me sad because I realized he's not that same guy anymore. Alcoholism is a cruel disease.

I know that I would not have been happy staying with him while knowing he was hiding vodka in a closet, so why can't I detach? I'm going to therapy, I've tried Al-anon, meditation, read Co-dependent No More and other self-help books. I've started a business doing what I'm passionate about, although I admit I'm working too much. I'm around my family and friends again. Do I just need more time? Why am I still bitter about him "moving on" with someone else?

Leopol

Hi onegoodegg,
I haven't been married so I can't relate to the loss of a marriage but I do think that if you built a life with somebody and got married that a year or over a year is not necessarily a long time to "get over it". You won't always grieve but there will be flashes, just like you are saying in your message. You are doing the work and have moments of happiness but letting go of someone you loved is a process and I think it just shows that you loved him a lot and that is oke. Don't worry about why you are still feeling sad. I think its a beautiful thing that you loved him deeply and truly. There is no timeline on grieve. As long as it doesn't take over your life completely I think its oke that you feel those feelings. I would say give it time. And for some it will always be hard seeing your ex partner with another person, for me I had a 3 year relationship with an alcoholic and cocaine addict. I didn't leave because I stopped loving him or because I didn't want to be with him, I left because I couldn't handle it. Because it was making me so anxious and insane. But making that decision is still one of the most painful things I ever had to do. Even though I fully 100% agree with it, its still painful. If I found out he was moving on with someone else it would hurt like hell because I never stopped loving him. I can't even imagine how painful it is if you had a marriage. Reminding yourself of why you left is probably a good thing now even though its hard. And if you are in pain that he moved on I would just sit with that pain and make space for it and if you need to cry and vent just let it out. Then remind yourself that you are a fabulous, beautiful and important person and you are worthy of more. That helps me at least .

Leopol

Give yourself some grace

RunningScared

There is no time frame on something like this. Be easy on yourself.

velma929

Well, grieving takes time. The death of a relationship, the death of the dream that you two would spend your lives together, it takes time to get over.

I still miss my late alcoholic husband a bit- or at least, I miss the life we had at the beginning.

trailmix

You may need more time but letting go of him "moving on" with someone else is pretty key here (and I know, hard to do).

You mentioned in your earlier posts that as soon as you called him on his excessive drinking he pretty much shut everything down. You were no longer compatible, he needed to be on his own etc etc.

You see, the minute you called him on his drinking, you became the enemy. You were no longer the pliant wife that didn't mention the copious amounts of alcohol he drinks, the fact that he is an alcoholic, you became the person standing between him and the love of his life - alcohol.

Is that personal?

Very few addicts/alcoholics are going to come out and say. Look - I really NEED to drink a lot, you don't understand. I am miserable when I'm not drinking. I want to drink every day and having you around just makes me feel bad (and interrupts my drinking). You talk about my health and how our relationship is suffering. I can't help you there, I'm not quitting, so I'm going to go and drink.

Now the fact that he has found this other woman, who will put up with his drinking (for now), well, that's not all that surprising either. Unless she has the patience of a saint, she will be on her way eventually too. He's tried to fill something in his life, he found alcohol and now it's found him and it's not letting go.

Alcoholism is progressive, you mentioned he looked very haggard in the photo he sent you, well it's progressing, he can now drink openly, as much as he wants whenever he wants.

He is not the guy you met and married. He is an alcoholic, drinking to excess (was hiding it from you, probably for a very long time, long before you realized the amounts). Is that the guy you are bitter about having found someone else? Or is it the guy who was loving and kind that you met originally? That's guy isn't him now.

onegoodegg

Thank you for the replies, it helped me out a lot today. It hurts me to see so many people on here going through similar situations, but I'm glad to have a place to vent when I need to.

Leopol

Hang in there!! You’re doing great. Positive affirmations and vent whenever necessary. You are not alone. ❤️❤️❤️

Sueby

You’re doing great and I feel it’s actually a step closer to where you want to be when you start asking why you aren’t further along. I think it’s where you start putting it all together and see the relationship for what it truly was for the first time. And realize that you don’t want to settle for it any longer, but are unsure what the future looks like. This is where some people (like me) try desperately to revive the relationship because it’s plain scary starting over; plus the devil you know lol.

But you don’t see it until you SEE it, and that timeframe is different for everyone. You’re doing amazing, the good days will outweigh the bad ones before you know it. Hugs to you.

Bekindalways

Heya Onegoodegg, I'm over thirty years from leaving my qualifier. He was only a long time boyfriend but it is by far still the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

It took me a long long time to be okay.

It sounds like you are doing well although I don't doubt for a minute that it feels like all holy ^%$#!.

Let us know how you get on.

D122y

You miss him because you love him so much. Love is a two way street. He obviously does not feel the same as you.

Regardless if he is a drunk, you still love him so.

I miss some of my ex girl friends. In my mind they still look as beautiful as they did when we were dating. That is their blessing and my curse.

We all know that beauty doesn't last forever. I had a girl I loved that was such a drunk. She smoked like a chimney as well. To this day, when I smell a drunk, smoker, female, it fondly reminds me of my Ex. TMI?

Crying about things like this is totally fine for sure.

Prayers for your healing, peace and contentment (((ASAP))).

Thanks.

LifeRecovery

For me the loss of my relationship with a problem drinker cracked open something in me.

I not only had to deal with the loss of that relationship but waves of old coping mechanisms and feelings from my childhood.

I was not just grieving the relationship; but frankly my whole life.

I am sorry to say it this way but at a year I was just starting to get over the shock. It was painful time but I now see in retrospect that it was a time of cleaning out and healing.

PeacefulWater12

Gosh, this hit me in the face. Thanks so much for sharing, LifeRecovery.

This is 100% true for me and I suspect it is for others of us here. Is not just about the one person we have lost, is far deeper than that. The one person is just the surface. Much like when a drinker stops drinking. The drinking is just the symptom of all the real issues below that it masks.



Sorry to hear you are struggling, OneGoodEgg, please be kind to yourself.

onegoodegg

These are all helpful comments, thank you for taking the time to post! I'm really trying to focus on myself, my happiness, and work on my shortcomings. I know I shouldn't worry about how much he's drinking, but it's hard because I still care about him.

trailmix

Well it's not surprising really. You do still care and he is drinking copious amounts of alcohol, that's not good for him, of course. No one likes to see someone harming themselves like that.

Since your worrying just makes for an unhappy state, maybe try challenging that. When it comes to mind, maybe stop for a moment and let yourself worry! It's not a "should" or "shouldn't", it's what you are thinking and it's not unfounded. Challenging it though with something like, ok x is drinking, probably not caring at all about what he does, but what can I do about it? Nothing. Not "nothing" in a sad way, just a fact, there is nothing to do.

You might find after a while that some of the rumination and worrying starts to go away when you channel your mind to accept it as a fact.

Bekindalways

I used to visualize holding my qualifier in a tight fist and then I would visualize opening that fist and see him as a bird made of light flying to God . . . . okay, I'm not absolutely sure that helped that much but it is what I did in my attempts to realize he was none of my business and his life and choices were in the hands of God (no offense to any of you non-believers) not mine.

Onegoodegg, I hope the grief and pain starts lifting soon but you may have more time to go. Every day you get a tiny bit closer to better. Keep at it.

Leopol

Hey onegoodegg,
im also struggling a bit with staying in my lane all the time and letting go. I was listening to a podcast this morning called set yourself free from Oprah and Byron Katie. It’s a good short one so if you ever have time I would advise listening to it although I’m also still figuring the inquiries out… one thing that resonated with me that Alanon also mentions is the moving out of the way and staying in your lane. But one thing that I hadn’t heard there before that is mentioned in the podcast is that there are three measure of things we want to control there is 1. My business, 2. Your business and 3. God’s business (or a higher power). It’s disrespectful to yourself to try to control 2 & 3 because it allows for hurt. It was a tough pill for me to swallow but I realized it.

trailmix

I think that's a huge lesson to know. It also hurts the other person (although in the case of an alcoholic, one might think, well isn't that just too bad!). I think many are taught (and rightfully so) that if someone needs help we need to step in.

Now if someone trips and falls, you might offer to help them up, but short of that, it's usually not appropriate.

Perhaps that gets skewed along the way, especially with romantic partners, that it doesn't mean stepping in and taking over or worrying about them all the time or criticizing their (in our opinion) poor choices.

onegoodegg

I don't understand why I had to become the enemy. I never told him to stop drinking or drink less. I would ask why he felt he needed to be so secretive about it, and that I was concerned about him. I don't feel like I was nagging him all the time. There is a breakdown in trust when your spouse hides things from you.

After we separated is when I learned that his behavior really was something to be concerned about, and I wasn't crazy. I read about the best way to have a conversation with your loved one about their drinking, and spoke with him twice about it in person. The first time he recognized that he drank due to work stress, but the second time he said he thinks he's just a social drinker. Can someone with those drinking behaviors be able to go back to social drinking? I doubt it, but sometimes I wonder if he drank more due to my "nagging".

dandylion

onegood egg.......he did not drink more because you "nagged". He drank because he is an alcoholic. That is what alcoholics do, because alcoholism is progressive---meaning that it progresses over time---gets worse, over time. Those who are not ready to quit drinking will, almost universally, blame other things and other people for their drinking.
"work stress" is a very commonly used excuse. Yes---a person can very well have work stress---but, that is not why they drink.

Those who drink alcoholically cannot ever safey go back to "social drinking" or controlled drinking as a non-alcoholic is able to do..
Controlled deinking is the fondest dream of alcoholics and they may try over and over to do it----but to no avail.
They may be able to "white knuckle" it for periods of time...but the compulsion to drink eventually catches up to them.

Even if you didn't nag him all the time, he still knows tht you disapprove of it----and, that is still enough for you to be placed in tthe "enemy" camp.