What would this behaviour indicate?
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Join Date: Dec 2021
Posts: 127
What would this behaviour indicate?
My ex of six weeks has always done this thing that I noticed in our relationship and I always thought it was weird. He has to have women to message that are linked to someone he has cut off or whatever.
Ex wife from 20 years ago. He had two kids with her. He didn't see his girls for 11 years and he's now screwed up their adult relationship.
He had his ex wives twin on his Facebook when we met. He claimed this married woman had made suggestions a few times and even said he had the wrong sister. Sue was deleted a few months back.
He had his daughters best friends mum on his Facebook and claimed she would inbox him and call him sexy etc.
He had His brothers 2 exes on his Facebook when we met. These women both have kids with his brother. He ended up deleting one a month after we got together as he had been messaging her. Then 6 months into our relationship the other removed him and went red faced when we walked past her.
He had his dad's ex wife on his Facebook last year for a couple of months. He claimed she helped him. But she has blocked him and from time to time he searches for her.
He added two of his exes friends onto his Facebook last year. He claims they both wanted him 10 years ago when he was with his ex. He deleted one when she got snapped up and engaged.
He kept a woman from tinder on there that he slept with when cutting me of for 6 weeks. He thought he could get away with it.
So we've split.
I looked at his Facebook yesterday for the first time in weeks. Turns out he's now added his brothers ex wife from 10 years ago and he's liking her stuff.
But he also has added a random woman who lives near his ex wife. She's friends with his adult daughter who won't speak to him. He's acting like he finds her attractive. She's married but putting hearts on my exes photos.
Is thiz narcissistic or some dark sick thing I can't understand. What is he doing.
Ex wife from 20 years ago. He had two kids with her. He didn't see his girls for 11 years and he's now screwed up their adult relationship.
He had his ex wives twin on his Facebook when we met. He claimed this married woman had made suggestions a few times and even said he had the wrong sister. Sue was deleted a few months back.
He had his daughters best friends mum on his Facebook and claimed she would inbox him and call him sexy etc.
He had His brothers 2 exes on his Facebook when we met. These women both have kids with his brother. He ended up deleting one a month after we got together as he had been messaging her. Then 6 months into our relationship the other removed him and went red faced when we walked past her.
He had his dad's ex wife on his Facebook last year for a couple of months. He claimed she helped him. But she has blocked him and from time to time he searches for her.
He added two of his exes friends onto his Facebook last year. He claims they both wanted him 10 years ago when he was with his ex. He deleted one when she got snapped up and engaged.
He kept a woman from tinder on there that he slept with when cutting me of for 6 weeks. He thought he could get away with it.
So we've split.
I looked at his Facebook yesterday for the first time in weeks. Turns out he's now added his brothers ex wife from 10 years ago and he's liking her stuff.
But he also has added a random woman who lives near his ex wife. She's friends with his adult daughter who won't speak to him. He's acting like he finds her attractive. She's married but putting hearts on my exes photos.
Is thiz narcissistic or some dark sick thing I can't understand. What is he doing.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,465
This person has nothing to offer you in terms of a loving, meaningful, or honest relationship.
Your best best is to block all media access to / from him and put the focus back on yourself.
That’s the quickest way to heal and later on attract a real partner, which you deserve. . .
Your best best is to block all media access to / from him and put the focus back on yourself.
That’s the quickest way to heal and later on attract a real partner, which you deserve. . .
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,560
The energy spent on this sort of research is wasted.
A mental health professional would probably need to track this and talk to your ex for weeks to find the 'real reason.' When a friend's marriage ended, she said her new ex wanted to stay friendly. My personal opinion at the time was that the image of being her friend would be beneficial- to HIM. It turned out, he actually WAS a good friend to her when she was diagnosed with a serious illness years later. Some men step up to the plate, even when they are exes.
I don't get into Facebook much. I don't have a lot of friends there, I've actually unfriended a couple people who were only acquaintances. I can see how some folks, though, get an ego boost from running the numbers up on the friend count. Or perhaps, friending all the exes gives someone the idea that he's the social glue holding society together. Maybe he thinks himself a ladies' man by collecting female friends only. Who knows or cares? More importantly, why do you care?
Monitoring your ex's Fakebook account is not helping you get over him. It's like picking at a scab. Move on. And I say this as someone who has a particular talent for holding a grudge. *sigh* Forgiveness is not my strong point. I work on it.
A mental health professional would probably need to track this and talk to your ex for weeks to find the 'real reason.' When a friend's marriage ended, she said her new ex wanted to stay friendly. My personal opinion at the time was that the image of being her friend would be beneficial- to HIM. It turned out, he actually WAS a good friend to her when she was diagnosed with a serious illness years later. Some men step up to the plate, even when they are exes.
I don't get into Facebook much. I don't have a lot of friends there, I've actually unfriended a couple people who were only acquaintances. I can see how some folks, though, get an ego boost from running the numbers up on the friend count. Or perhaps, friending all the exes gives someone the idea that he's the social glue holding society together. Maybe he thinks himself a ladies' man by collecting female friends only. Who knows or cares? More importantly, why do you care?
Monitoring your ex's Fakebook account is not helping you get over him. It's like picking at a scab. Move on. And I say this as someone who has a particular talent for holding a grudge. *sigh* Forgiveness is not my strong point. I work on it.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Strawbz........honestly, I have no idea.
We humans are endlessly curious and always want to know "the answer" to things. Unfortunately, (or fortunately...lol), m a ny things are simply unknowable----and knowing everything that goes on in another person's mind, is one of them. The best we can ever do, is guestimate what another person is thinking by their outward behaviors---the key word is "guess"....lol.
At any rate, it obviously was a major way that you and the ex were not compatible on. He was o.k. with it ---and, you were not. Intimate partners need to be compatible
on major areas, in my opinion.
Another thought that I have, is that, at 6 weeks post breakup---you are in a stage of grieving the loss, that is not often talked about----and that is the stage of rumination. Of, almost, compulsively, digging up bones. That is---mentally reviewing every aspect--every angle of what went on in the relationship----and asking the kinds of questions that you just asked!
This lasts for quite a while----until a person is able to "reframe" the relationship in a way that is acceptable ----and acceptable "explanation" that can be somewhat peacefully lived with.
While this is seldom talked about----I have never seen a person who is going through a major relationship loss who had not done some of this rumination and digging up bones. Almost compulsively, thinking about it. Including myself!
We humans are endlessly curious and always want to know "the answer" to things. Unfortunately, (or fortunately...lol), m a ny things are simply unknowable----and knowing everything that goes on in another person's mind, is one of them. The best we can ever do, is guestimate what another person is thinking by their outward behaviors---the key word is "guess"....lol.
At any rate, it obviously was a major way that you and the ex were not compatible on. He was o.k. with it ---and, you were not. Intimate partners need to be compatible
on major areas, in my opinion.
Another thought that I have, is that, at 6 weeks post breakup---you are in a stage of grieving the loss, that is not often talked about----and that is the stage of rumination. Of, almost, compulsively, digging up bones. That is---mentally reviewing every aspect--every angle of what went on in the relationship----and asking the kinds of questions that you just asked!
This lasts for quite a while----until a person is able to "reframe" the relationship in a way that is acceptable ----and acceptable "explanation" that can be somewhat peacefully lived with.
While this is seldom talked about----I have never seen a person who is going through a major relationship loss who had not done some of this rumination and digging up bones. Almost compulsively, thinking about it. Including myself!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2021
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I think I am just trying to make sense of the person he was. He won't be 2 years sober until August. I've not him from 3 weeks sober and he's always behaved oddly. It's like he's never happy with what he has and wants access to more. He can always find women to link too and it's just bizarre
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Strawbz......Well, trying to figure h im out is a form of rumination.
This question is asked, thousands of times, here, on the forum. "why did he do that?" "why does he do this---or that".."what is he thinking" "why did he do this to me?"
It is sooo common to try to "make sense" of it all. You are not alone, almost everyone asks the same thing.
Yes, I think it sounds bizarre and somewhat "over the edge". Beyond that, I have no idea of what goes on in his mind.
This question is asked, thousands of times, here, on the forum. "why did he do that?" "why does he do this---or that".."what is he thinking" "why did he do this to me?"
It is sooo common to try to "make sense" of it all. You are not alone, almost everyone asks the same thing.
Yes, I think it sounds bizarre and somewhat "over the edge". Beyond that, I have no idea of what goes on in his mind.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
IMO definitely weird, obsessive and creepy behavior on his part. Why? Who knows. The only solution is to stop tracking him on social media (or anywhere). I know firsthand how hard that is; I had to replace the urge to check up on my ex with other healthy behaviors like taking walks, calling a friend, having a healthy snack, cleaning the house - anything to establish new habits. I slipped up a few times, always regretted it. Progress, not perfection! It gets easier with time.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
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Originally Posted by Eauchiche 
Please excuse my blunt answer here:
To understand crazy behavior like his, one would have to become crazy too.
To understand crazy behavior like his, one would have to become crazy too.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
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Well Strawbz, he probably acts out of his own pain and dysfunction as we all do. The best thing to do is stop looking at his Facebook and focus on your own pain and dysfunction . . . .I know I know easier said than done but every moment thinking about him is a moment lost to working on your own side of the street.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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I did post in your other thread but in thinking about this whole looking at their FB thing.
I totally get it. It does take time to not want to, but you are getting there. I broke up with someone once (I call him the narc) but anyway, for a short time afterward I would look at his page periodically (his fake fake cheerful posts). But I felt uncomfortable doing that because A. His fake cheerfulness was sickening (that's not him at all) and B. I was thinking I might see something I didn't want to see (which he would certainly post for that reason - because hey, that's the kind of guy he is lol).
So I thought, ok so, this could hurt me (I was still a bit vulnerable at that point, for no good reason) and that scared me enough to not look again. There is nothing he could have posted that would be of interest to me and certainly things he could post that I wouldn't like. So I never did that again and blocked him.
So my question is, how did looking at all that mixed up, narcissistic stuff make you feel?
I totally get it. It does take time to not want to, but you are getting there. I broke up with someone once (I call him the narc) but anyway, for a short time afterward I would look at his page periodically (his fake fake cheerful posts). But I felt uncomfortable doing that because A. His fake cheerfulness was sickening (that's not him at all) and B. I was thinking I might see something I didn't want to see (which he would certainly post for that reason - because hey, that's the kind of guy he is lol).
So I thought, ok so, this could hurt me (I was still a bit vulnerable at that point, for no good reason) and that scared me enough to not look again. There is nothing he could have posted that would be of interest to me and certainly things he could post that I wouldn't like. So I never did that again and blocked him.
So my question is, how did looking at all that mixed up, narcissistic stuff make you feel?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2021
Posts: 127
Good afternoon
I think I need to simply stop checking. That's a good point. Nothing I will see will help me. Only make me angry. I'm still waiting on communication as I have sentimental stuff if his including his passport and birth certificate. I don't know where he's living and he has no family or friends around. But also I don't drive so its not convinient for me at all all struggle it to his home.
His whole life is one big screw up. He could never stop being selfish for his children. He moved from Scotland 5 hours away when he split with his wife. He then had a chance to know them as yound adults in their early twenties and ballsed that up. He hates his dad for displaying the same behaviours towards women that he now displays himself. He hated his dad for mistreating his mum. I feel like I want to point that out to him if we ever do speak again. That he's turned into a cruel man who breaks womens hearts just because he wants to speak to his exes or he wants to speak to his brothers exes or he wants a laugh on tinder. I didn't deserve none of it. I am angry. The way he's treated me really makes me angry. I wake up every day and think why has he blocked me for 6 weeks. Why hasn't he expressed any emotion towards me or our separation. Why does he not want his things so we've cut all our ties. He's too busy liking other women's photos that's why.
I'm sorry I'm ranting. I'm just so hurt by the way he behaves. Why become the clone of the man you hate for the same behaviour. He should know all to well the pain of a man playing away when it ruined his family home. His dad was remarried to his mums friend just months after his mum died. Its just wrong on so many levels.
I think I need to simply stop checking. That's a good point. Nothing I will see will help me. Only make me angry. I'm still waiting on communication as I have sentimental stuff if his including his passport and birth certificate. I don't know where he's living and he has no family or friends around. But also I don't drive so its not convinient for me at all all struggle it to his home.
His whole life is one big screw up. He could never stop being selfish for his children. He moved from Scotland 5 hours away when he split with his wife. He then had a chance to know them as yound adults in their early twenties and ballsed that up. He hates his dad for displaying the same behaviours towards women that he now displays himself. He hated his dad for mistreating his mum. I feel like I want to point that out to him if we ever do speak again. That he's turned into a cruel man who breaks womens hearts just because he wants to speak to his exes or he wants to speak to his brothers exes or he wants a laugh on tinder. I didn't deserve none of it. I am angry. The way he's treated me really makes me angry. I wake up every day and think why has he blocked me for 6 weeks. Why hasn't he expressed any emotion towards me or our separation. Why does he not want his things so we've cut all our ties. He's too busy liking other women's photos that's why.
I'm sorry I'm ranting. I'm just so hurt by the way he behaves. Why become the clone of the man you hate for the same behaviour. He should know all to well the pain of a man playing away when it ruined his family home. His dad was remarried to his mums friend just months after his mum died. Its just wrong on so many levels.
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Hurting people hurt people, and behavior like this is modeled for generations. It takes a very strong person to break the cycle of dysfunction.
Can you send his belongings to him via certified mail and be done with it?
Can you send his belongings to him via certified mail and be done with it?
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,465
If you are not comfortable with simply donating / throwing his stuff away, you could box it and put it on the porch / landing out of your house and tell him it is there and come get it during a certain time or it is going to be thrown away. Clarify you do not want to talk to him or have him knock on your door. Ideally, have a friend present during the time.
Then wash your hands of it and him as well. He is leaving it there simply to have leverage to get back in the door and keep you as a “back up plan”. Pretty common. If he doesn’t care about his important papers, why is it your problem to worry about them?
Let it all, and him, go for good and find your peace once more. . .
Then wash your hands of it and him as well. He is leaving it there simply to have leverage to get back in the door and keep you as a “back up plan”. Pretty common. If he doesn’t care about his important papers, why is it your problem to worry about them?
Let it all, and him, go for good and find your peace once more. . .
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
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Walk. Away.
In my mis-spent youth, I had a boyfriend and after two or three tumultuous years, we finally managed to break up. A few weeks go by, and he called me. Just because we broke up doesn't mean we can't be friendly, he said. He suggested we meet for lunch. We did, engaged in pleasant chit-chat, and then he said he had to apologize. This was the sneaky part - because the apology was a ruse to brag. He apologized for our sex life, because now it was sooo much better with Susie, and he now knew how wonderful sex could be. Over lunch he told me. At that point, I wasn't even angry. I was just - gobsmacked. Who does that?
In my mis-spent youth, I had a boyfriend and after two or three tumultuous years, we finally managed to break up. A few weeks go by, and he called me. Just because we broke up doesn't mean we can't be friendly, he said. He suggested we meet for lunch. We did, engaged in pleasant chit-chat, and then he said he had to apologize. This was the sneaky part - because the apology was a ruse to brag. He apologized for our sex life, because now it was sooo much better with Susie, and he now knew how wonderful sex could be. Over lunch he told me. At that point, I wasn't even angry. I was just - gobsmacked. Who does that?
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
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I agree with others - walk away, completely.
It's understandable to want to label/classify weird/mean behavior, but sometimes it's good to
label it as bizarre, mean, unhealthy & let it go. You will recognize it in other people going
forward as something to stay away from, so you have gotten the most important lesson
from it. Spend your precious time figuring out what you want, what makes you happy,
what you want to make of your life.
It's understandable to want to label/classify weird/mean behavior, but sometimes it's good to
label it as bizarre, mean, unhealthy & let it go. You will recognize it in other people going
forward as something to stay away from, so you have gotten the most important lesson
from it. Spend your precious time figuring out what you want, what makes you happy,
what you want to make of your life.
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Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 137
Originally Posted by mylifeismine
I agree with others - walk away, completely.
It's understandable to want to label/classify weird/mean behavior, but sometimes it's good to
label it as bizarre, mean, unhealthy & let it go. You will recognize it in other people going
forward as something to stay away from, so you have gotten the most important lesson
from it. Spend your precious time figuring out what you want, what makes you happy,
what you want to make of your life.
It's understandable to want to label/classify weird/mean behavior, but sometimes it's good to
label it as bizarre, mean, unhealthy & let it go. You will recognize it in other people going
forward as something to stay away from, so you have gotten the most important lesson
from it. Spend your precious time figuring out what you want, what makes you happy,
what you want to make of your life.
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