1st relaps didn't react well.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2022
Posts: 3
1st relaps didn't react well.
Hi, so my partner was 9 weeks sober and I came home and he told me he drank a bottle of vodka. He said it was gone and its done. However I've fond 2 empty bottles and 2 empty half bottles. I'm not sure if they were missed when I was cleaning out his hiding space last time as its an awkward place.
When he told me I must have looked disappointed. I walked away and then I went back and told him to get up and tgat he wasn't getting tk stay in bed. He said this isn't the right way to deal with it. (I know and I wish I didn't) Im also blaming myself which I know I shouldn't (didn't cause it, cant fix it, can't control it. But we went out on Friday to meet friends. The OH was driving as 40 miles away and I wasn't wanting to drink but OH wanted me to have a drink as friends would be (who dont know the situation) and they were asking why did we not just get a hotel ect. Which bugged me as we shouldn't need to make excuses but alcohol is just so socially accepted.
I blame myself cause a was drinking and I had given him a cough bottle when he was ill that he shouldn't have had. I am do annoyed but I'm annoyed at me but it just came out like I was angry at him. He says it's not my fault but I can't help but blame myself. I'm so annoyed and upset.
When he told me I must have looked disappointed. I walked away and then I went back and told him to get up and tgat he wasn't getting tk stay in bed. He said this isn't the right way to deal with it. (I know and I wish I didn't) Im also blaming myself which I know I shouldn't (didn't cause it, cant fix it, can't control it. But we went out on Friday to meet friends. The OH was driving as 40 miles away and I wasn't wanting to drink but OH wanted me to have a drink as friends would be (who dont know the situation) and they were asking why did we not just get a hotel ect. Which bugged me as we shouldn't need to make excuses but alcohol is just so socially accepted.
I blame myself cause a was drinking and I had given him a cough bottle when he was ill that he shouldn't have had. I am do annoyed but I'm annoyed at me but it just came out like I was angry at him. He says it's not my fault but I can't help but blame myself. I'm so annoyed and upset.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,438
If you didn’t hold him down and pour that vodka down his throat you are not to blame.
He chose to do it. He isn’t a child—you giving him a cough bottle, or getting upset at his relapse are normal things normal adults might do—no guilt or blame for you—he is right about that part.
But you have to be honest and not minimize the situation. If he is drinking, and the empty bottles suggest he is, you need to reallly think about your future and what you want in a partner—trying to stay with an alcoholic not in real recovery is a very hard row to hoe.
He chose to do it. He isn’t a child—you giving him a cough bottle, or getting upset at his relapse are normal things normal adults might do—no guilt or blame for you—he is right about that part.
But you have to be honest and not minimize the situation. If he is drinking, and the empty bottles suggest he is, you need to reallly think about your future and what you want in a partner—trying to stay with an alcoholic not in real recovery is a very hard row to hoe.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
AW......I am sorry that this has happened and that you are blaming Yourself for it. I know that you were sooo hopeful for his lasting sobriety when he said that he was going to cut down on his drinking.
A relapse is sooo hard for the Partner......perhaps, even harder than for the alcoholic.....lol. The partner can put so much of themselves into the alcoholic, that it feels like when the alcohollic stumbles, that the Partner is the one who gets hurt, also.
Of course, if the alcoholic is not strenuously adhering to a program of recovery---like AA, and having the support of a sponsor and a counselor----it is almost invevitable that relapse is going to happen. Half measures won't work, you know.
From your last thread, I sure hope that you read "Co-Dependent No More".
And, reading the over 100 excellent articles in the "Classic Reading" section.
I hope that you found an alanon meeting----for yourself---as this is just too hard for you to go through alone.
Aw...I sure hope that you will put away the guilt (that you don't deserve) and your annoyance at yourself-----ad it is a misdirection of your own energy. AND----it amounts to your "enabling" him.
It is His responsibility to manage his sobriety---not yours! He knows the risky situations and he is responsible for making the decisions that protect him.
Surely, he was told in treatment that he needs to be very careful to avoid the people and places that are a trigger---especially, in early months of recovery .
I have been around lots of alcoholics, and I would bet my fortune that he drank more than that one bottle. It is not at all unusual for the alcoholic to be "sipping" before the Partner ever finds out.
Stop blaming yourself----he is just doing what alcoholics do. It is about him---not you.
A relapse is sooo hard for the Partner......perhaps, even harder than for the alcoholic.....lol. The partner can put so much of themselves into the alcoholic, that it feels like when the alcohollic stumbles, that the Partner is the one who gets hurt, also.
Of course, if the alcoholic is not strenuously adhering to a program of recovery---like AA, and having the support of a sponsor and a counselor----it is almost invevitable that relapse is going to happen. Half measures won't work, you know.
From your last thread, I sure hope that you read "Co-Dependent No More".
And, reading the over 100 excellent articles in the "Classic Reading" section.
I hope that you found an alanon meeting----for yourself---as this is just too hard for you to go through alone.
Aw...I sure hope that you will put away the guilt (that you don't deserve) and your annoyance at yourself-----ad it is a misdirection of your own energy. AND----it amounts to your "enabling" him.
It is His responsibility to manage his sobriety---not yours! He knows the risky situations and he is responsible for making the decisions that protect him.
Surely, he was told in treatment that he needs to be very careful to avoid the people and places that are a trigger---especially, in early months of recovery .
I have been around lots of alcoholics, and I would bet my fortune that he drank more than that one bottle. It is not at all unusual for the alcoholic to be "sipping" before the Partner ever finds out.
Stop blaming yourself----he is just doing what alcoholics do. It is about him---not you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,653
You're not to blame. As Hawkeye said, your husband is an adult. He can drink all day if he likes, or not at all if he likes, that has nothing to do with you.
I hope you can see this too. There is a book that is the most often recommended here, Codependent no more by Melody Beattie, you might find it really interesting in terms of boundaries and relationships.
I hope you can see this too. There is a book that is the most often recommended here, Codependent no more by Melody Beattie, you might find it really interesting in terms of boundaries and relationships.
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