Partner needs space from Relationship
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Join Date: Mar 2022
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Partner needs space from Relationship
My Girlfriend and I have been together 7 months, i wasn't aware at first she had a drink problem, it soon became apparent. Anyway she has made the decision to take the 12 steps to sobriety and I am so proud of what she has done so far, 34 days sober, we spent a lovely few days together thursday and friday, Monday she tells me she needs space to work on herself and does not have the capacity for a relationship anymore, She says she loves me but she seems to have flicked a switch and become emotionless towards me, i adore the woman and i have been there and picked her up after some serious benders, attempted suicide, i have supported her, supported her financially, i've loved her and i still do, but i feel like i have just been dropped like a stone, i spoke to her today and she was distant, just repeats the same, i need space to work on me. I want her to smash this with all my heart and she is determined, i just wanted to be there to love and support her through it, i instigated her trying a CA and AA group, she now has a sponsor and making great progress.
However ... I think the relationship is now over, she can't even says she loves me, she went to a meeting on sunday and since then she has been different, we have had a rough few weeks to be fair, maybe it is part of the process, i don't know, i don't understand it enough, i have respected her wishes and backed off, we don't live together but we did spend a lot of time together, she says she doesn't want to see me right now and the messaging has almost stopped.
I have no idea what to do for the best, she told me that i have done nothing wrong its just her head is mashed, she says she has a lot of love for me but doesn't understand what it means.
I feel devastated i adore the woman.
Anyone else been in this situation? What should i do for the best? I don't want to lose her but i almost feel she's already gone ... hurts like hell to think i have helped her get this far, she showed me so much love, and within 2 days ... gone ... hurts !
I feel i need to respect her wishes and let her do what is right for her, it's just happened so suddenly i'm completely lost.
It probably sounds very selfish this but i need a reality check, what do i do for the best here?
However ... I think the relationship is now over, she can't even says she loves me, she went to a meeting on sunday and since then she has been different, we have had a rough few weeks to be fair, maybe it is part of the process, i don't know, i don't understand it enough, i have respected her wishes and backed off, we don't live together but we did spend a lot of time together, she says she doesn't want to see me right now and the messaging has almost stopped.
I have no idea what to do for the best, she told me that i have done nothing wrong its just her head is mashed, she says she has a lot of love for me but doesn't understand what it means.
I feel devastated i adore the woman.
Anyone else been in this situation? What should i do for the best? I don't want to lose her but i almost feel she's already gone ... hurts like hell to think i have helped her get this far, she showed me so much love, and within 2 days ... gone ... hurts !
I feel i need to respect her wishes and let her do what is right for her, it's just happened so suddenly i'm completely lost.
It probably sounds very selfish this but i need a reality check, what do i do for the best here?
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I feel for you man, but if you read some of the other threads here in F&F, this is a fairly common occurrence. Female partner is alcoholic, guy is trying to support and encourage her, she goes into rehab or AA, then loses interest in the relationship. Sometimes it appears they become romantically involved with someone else in the program, sometimes they just lose interest, and some genuinely want to focus on their recovery. I could probably pull up 5 or 6 threads like it from as many months.
Of course it happens to women partners of male alcoholics also, but as a man I probably relate more to these. It hurts to read about it. I can tell you that alcoholics in general make lousy partners - they are selfish and unpredictable and don't know what their feelings really are (because they drowned them with alcohol).. But no matter how it happens it is painful and hurts. There is not much you can do but move on and take care of yourself, you sound like a good man and she needs to (hopefully) work on her recovery.
Of course it happens to women partners of male alcoholics also, but as a man I probably relate more to these. It hurts to read about it. I can tell you that alcoholics in general make lousy partners - they are selfish and unpredictable and don't know what their feelings really are (because they drowned them with alcohol).. But no matter how it happens it is painful and hurts. There is not much you can do but move on and take care of yourself, you sound like a good man and she needs to (hopefully) work on her recovery.
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She has done a great favor by being honest with you, and she has done her own journey to recovery a great favor by doing the same.
She is learning how to get through life without her main coping mechanism for the first time ever. She is not the person you knew before. Her emotions are all over the place. She needs space. She needs time.
I know this is hard to hear, but it has nothing to do with you. It was very good of you to help her get to this point, but it is time to let her go. She is in the fight of her life, and if she is to succeed, she needs to be able to do it on her own terms, at her own speed, and without being beholden to anything or anyone else.
She is learning how to get through life without her main coping mechanism for the first time ever. She is not the person you knew before. Her emotions are all over the place. She needs space. She needs time.
I know this is hard to hear, but it has nothing to do with you. It was very good of you to help her get to this point, but it is time to let her go. She is in the fight of her life, and if she is to succeed, she needs to be able to do it on her own terms, at her own speed, and without being beholden to anything or anyone else.
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Originally Posted by Waccoe72 
It probably sounds very selfish this but i need a reality check, what do i do for the best here?
I know that it doesn't help you. But it will probably help her, and that's what matters. You said so yourself.
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Sorry to hear how you are feeling. As others have said all you can do is as she asks and give her space.
Getting sober is huge and all her focus needs to be on it.
I encourage you to take good care of yourself and keep your focus on you and your wellbeing.
Getting sober is huge and all her focus needs to be on it.
I encourage you to take good care of yourself and keep your focus on you and your wellbeing.
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Waccoe.......welcome to the forum!
To answer your question as to "what is the best". I feel that the "best" for the both of you is to back off and give her at least one year of space. understanding, that, of course, there are no guarantees on either side.
Also, in life, when we give of ourselves to another person---it is (should) be given as a gift. Otherwise, it is just a manipulation. When we giveof our selves, there is never any gurantee that we will receive back in kind.
Also, I don't suggest that you sit on a shelf, just waiting for her. You would do best to go forward in your own life.
At least she is being straight forward and honest about the situation with you. You will come across as a more confident and stronger man if you honor the request.
Honestly, she does Need the time to focus on the hardest journey she probably has ever faced. It is harder than you can imagine to get into genuine recovery from any addiction----and the responsibilities of and demands of a relationship is a great risk for relapse, especially, in someone who is struggling in new sobriety.
To answer your question as to "what is the best". I feel that the "best" for the both of you is to back off and give her at least one year of space. understanding, that, of course, there are no guarantees on either side.
Also, in life, when we give of ourselves to another person---it is (should) be given as a gift. Otherwise, it is just a manipulation. When we giveof our selves, there is never any gurantee that we will receive back in kind.
Also, I don't suggest that you sit on a shelf, just waiting for her. You would do best to go forward in your own life.
At least she is being straight forward and honest about the situation with you. You will come across as a more confident and stronger man if you honor the request.
Honestly, she does Need the time to focus on the hardest journey she probably has ever faced. It is harder than you can imagine to get into genuine recovery from any addiction----and the responsibilities of and demands of a relationship is a great risk for relapse, especially, in someone who is struggling in new sobriety.
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Join Date: Mar 2021
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Even chemically, her brain is dealing with trying to heal from the effects of alcohol. Our bodies adapt to having substances, for better and worse, and then adapt when we remove them, and the changes don’t happen overnight. Depending on what her brain, body, emotions, psyche, and everything is going through, she might really not be able to access the emotions she is used to right now. Feelings of love might feel foreign to her right now, or even inaccessible. And there is no amount of outside love that changes that process. If I were in her shoes, I might also ask for space to go through that.
When I struggled with letting my ALO go, I instead focused on “what would trying to force this REALLY look like?” That’s when I realized, we could very easily destroy anything that might be worth saving someday if I didn’t give myself (and him) space. Recovery, especially early, is very hard. What if you try to stay with her and then she associates you with this very hard period in her life and it sours the relationship memories and experience for her? What if it does that for you, until there’s too much pain to just be “water under the bridge” and it smothers the love you had? For me, I wasn’t ready to let go of the possibility of a future healthy love between me and my XAH (which isn’t ideal, but it’s where I honestly was), but even if I wanted that, the ONLY way I could possibly get there was if I let go now. Holding on kept pointing to dead ends.
Recovery often involves rediscovering yourself. Who she wants to be, who she was before addiction, who she is now, who she is becoming… and until she knows who she is, she might not be able to be in a healthy relationship with you.
When I struggled with letting my ALO go, I instead focused on “what would trying to force this REALLY look like?” That’s when I realized, we could very easily destroy anything that might be worth saving someday if I didn’t give myself (and him) space. Recovery, especially early, is very hard. What if you try to stay with her and then she associates you with this very hard period in her life and it sours the relationship memories and experience for her? What if it does that for you, until there’s too much pain to just be “water under the bridge” and it smothers the love you had? For me, I wasn’t ready to let go of the possibility of a future healthy love between me and my XAH (which isn’t ideal, but it’s where I honestly was), but even if I wanted that, the ONLY way I could possibly get there was if I let go now. Holding on kept pointing to dead ends.
Recovery often involves rediscovering yourself. Who she wants to be, who she was before addiction, who she is now, who she is becoming… and until she knows who she is, she might not be able to be in a healthy relationship with you.
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Join Date: Jul 2021
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One life lesson I've learnt in this journey with alcoholic qualifiers is that sometimes relationships just end. I think when the substances and codependency get mixed in, we want to hold on no matter what, be there for them, all that. I know if I take the alcohol out of the equation and look at it solely from a relationship point of view, there are definitely signs when the relationship has gone as far as it's meant to, that it's time to go in different directions.
Another thing I noticed with XABF was that I'd never known him sober, that he was always intoxicated. The first time I spent time with him and saw him "dry drunk," I realised he was a completely different person. And it seems that people really do change a lot as they move through the spectrum between active addiction, tentative sobriety, and sobriety in recovery. Sometimes the "real" them, sober in recovery, are just not the people with whom we'd be in a realtionship.
Another thing I noticed with XABF was that I'd never known him sober, that he was always intoxicated. The first time I spent time with him and saw him "dry drunk," I realised he was a completely different person. And it seems that people really do change a lot as they move through the spectrum between active addiction, tentative sobriety, and sobriety in recovery. Sometimes the "real" them, sober in recovery, are just not the people with whom we'd be in a realtionship.
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Originally Posted by Waccoe72
I feel devastated i adore the woman.
Anyone else been in this situation? What should i do for the best? I don't want to lose her but i almost feel she's already gone ... hurts like hell to think i have helped her get this far, she showed me so much love, and within 2 days ... gone ... hurts !
I feel i need to respect her wishes and let her do what is right for her, it's just happened so suddenly i'm completely lost.
It probably sounds very selfish this but i need a reality check, what do i do for the best here?
Anyone else been in this situation? What should i do for the best? I don't want to lose her but i almost feel she's already gone ... hurts like hell to think i have helped her get this far, she showed me so much love, and within 2 days ... gone ... hurts !
I feel i need to respect her wishes and let her do what is right for her, it's just happened so suddenly i'm completely lost.
It probably sounds very selfish this but i need a reality check, what do i do for the best here?
Realistically the woman you adored is not who she is now. She isn't the one needing support after a huge bender, or the one pouring out her heart to you after 10 too many drinks, or the one who had long conversations opening up to you and vice versa.
She has been drinking the entire time you have been with her, probably even more than you imagine. People who drink like that depend on it, it is their best friend, their love, their number on priority and a way to numb feelings that are bad and enhance (generally) those that are good. She has probably been doing this for years.
That's all gone now.
She will now need to learn how to deal with life as it is, unaided by her drug - that's a tall order. Imagine it. Everything you knew now looks different, feels different, what do you do with all those emotions? What are they and what do they mean?
As dandylion said, I would give her space for at least a year (of sobriety and recovery) before even attempting to continue a relationship, if she is still interested at that point (you may not be either).
She needs that time, this is a huge undertaking.
I am sorry you got hurt in all of this, it's very painful. Always remember, you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
Hello. Not that rare actually. I've read or heard too many stories of the same scenario, freshly sober alcoholic or addict wants out of the relationship. Sobriety can start a chain of events including different sober thinking. Sometimes alcoholics use I should say abuse those who help them out-that is the only reason they stay in or maintain a relationship. I've seen family do it. Your support helps enable their lifestyle even if only for a few months before she got sober.
Also keep in mind it takes many several attempts to stay sober. If this is first success or try it might not be her last. And some experts recommend the alcoholic or addict stay away from those people and places they used or drank to excess because there could be a trigger or enabler there. Sometimes big changes are needed.
I'd say her sobriety takes precedent. At least you'll know the reality of the situation. Note some alcoholics and addicts are excellent actors and use that skill to get what they want out of people.
Sounds like you gave your all. She didn't
Good Luck.
Also keep in mind it takes many several attempts to stay sober. If this is first success or try it might not be her last. And some experts recommend the alcoholic or addict stay away from those people and places they used or drank to excess because there could be a trigger or enabler there. Sometimes big changes are needed.
I'd say her sobriety takes precedent. At least you'll know the reality of the situation. Note some alcoholics and addicts are excellent actors and use that skill to get what they want out of people.
Sounds like you gave your all. She didn't
Good Luck.
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Originally Posted by Waccoe72
My Girlfriend and I have been together 7 months, i wasn't aware at first she had a drink problem, it soon became apparent. Anyway she has made the decision to take the 12 steps to sobriety and I am so proud of what she has done so far, 34 days sober, we spent a lovely few days together thursday and friday, Monday she tells me she needs space to work on herself and does not have the capacity for a relationship anymore, She says she loves me but she seems to have flicked a switch and become emotionless towards me, i adore the woman and i have been there and picked her up after some serious benders, attempted suicide, i have supported her, supported her financially, i've loved her and i still do, but i feel like i have just been dropped like a stone, i spoke to her today and she was distant, just repeats the same, i need space to work on me. I want her to smash this with all my heart and she is determined, i just wanted to be there to love and support her through it, i instigated her trying a CA and AA group, she now has a sponsor and making great progress.
However ... I think the relationship is now over, she can't even says she loves me, she went to a meeting on sunday and since then she has been different, we have had a rough few weeks to be fair, maybe it is part of the process, i don't know, i don't understand it enough, i have respected her wishes and backed off, we don't live together but we did spend a lot of time together, she says she doesn't want to see me right now and the messaging has almost stopped.
I have no idea what to do for the best, she told me that i have done nothing wrong its just her head is mashed, she says she has a lot of love for me but doesn't understand what it means.
I feel devastated i adore the woman.
Anyone else been in this situation? What should i do for the best? I don't want to lose her but i almost feel she's already gone ... hurts like hell to think i have helped her get this far, she showed me so much love, and within 2 days ... gone ... hurts !
I feel i need to respect her wishes and let her do what is right for her, it's just happened so suddenly i'm completely lost.
It probably sounds very selfish this but i need a reality check, what do i do for the best here?
However ... I think the relationship is now over, she can't even says she loves me, she went to a meeting on sunday and since then she has been different, we have had a rough few weeks to be fair, maybe it is part of the process, i don't know, i don't understand it enough, i have respected her wishes and backed off, we don't live together but we did spend a lot of time together, she says she doesn't want to see me right now and the messaging has almost stopped.
I have no idea what to do for the best, she told me that i have done nothing wrong its just her head is mashed, she says she has a lot of love for me but doesn't understand what it means.
I feel devastated i adore the woman.
Anyone else been in this situation? What should i do for the best? I don't want to lose her but i almost feel she's already gone ... hurts like hell to think i have helped her get this far, she showed me so much love, and within 2 days ... gone ... hurts !
I feel i need to respect her wishes and let her do what is right for her, it's just happened so suddenly i'm completely lost.
It probably sounds very selfish this but i need a reality check, what do i do for the best here?
1) They get into treatment and typically need some type of space to sort things out in their head ( exactly what everyone has been talking about above) and eventually you guys get back together and grow closer or you don't. The only time this may not happen, from what I have seen is if it is a marriage with children involved and there is a super glue or set of responsibilities that hold them together... even then the spouse that was drinking needs space of some sort. Not to discount the 7 months you have spent together but she has most likely years and years of stuff to work through....
2) They continue to drink and you still eventually end up distant or their drinking buddy or the person they hate for complaining about their drinking.
There is no good way out essentially... the aftermath of being with someone active in their addiction is typically one of the two. There have been a few couples I know who have made it to the other side together. It took a TON of work on the addicts side and the side of the person who is typically in alanon working their program. Even in this scenario there are periods of distance. I know of a couple who is still distant and the addict in the relationship has not used in almost 2 years. So much changes...
It sounds like in someways you just want your girlfriend back. This is understandable. Anyone would... But your girlfriend as you knew her no longer exists if that makes sense. She is becoming someone else.... her true self... her sober self. Maybe she feels pressure to still show up for you as she once was... maybe she can't be the girl she was because maybe the real her is shy, or anxious or .....fill in the blanks... she is learning who she is... so it is awkward when you are in that stage to "be herself" with you cause she doesn't know herself anymore....
Hope this all makes sense. Keep coming back.. This place is a life saver
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She has been drinking since the age of 13, she’s 34 now, yes I want her back, we still talk but she doesn’t show any emotion towards me, she was more of a binge drinker, 2 day bender then sleep it off but, then clean for a week then back on it, yes it was to dampen her challenges, she lost her kids who live with her parents, but sober she’s such a sweet girl,I could always see that good in her and helped her see there is a better life, the bit that’s hurt is last week we had one of the best weeks ever, went out places, she loved it, told me on many occasions she loves me, we were so close, then suddenly 2 days later I need space and I don’t want to see you, there isn’t another man on the scene, I did think this but I know there isn’t, it was just a big shock to hear it, I wanted to be there and encourage her, support her, but as she said she has love for me but doesn’t know what that means, probably like everyone has said, she’s learning her emotions sober and a commitment to me is probably beyond her capacity right now, she can’t give me what she was giving me, it’s too much, and I do understand that fully, as much as it hurts. I just need to accept it, respect her wishes, so hard when you’ve just had it all taken away after some real fun loving times, don’t get me wrong, it’s not been easy at times, it’s been hard work in places, but I was prepared for that, I knew what she was like but I love her for her, the drink was her devil it made her angry, sober, sweetest woman in the world.
I know I’m clutching at straws with her right now as I just dont want to lose her … but she seems clear in her head that I don’t figure in this journey .. for now .l whether I ever will I don’t know, I doubt it. The love of your life is there 1 minute then gone the next .. hard one to take .. I don’t get what changed so quick ..l anyway .. it is what it is, I’ll get over the pain of losing her and I can only hope 1 day she will see how much she means to me, right now I don’t think I even figure in her head. It’s been a tough learning curve this, but I’m helpless to influence her, only she knows what’s in her head right now … I must just accept that.
I know I’m clutching at straws with her right now as I just dont want to lose her … but she seems clear in her head that I don’t figure in this journey .. for now .l whether I ever will I don’t know, I doubt it. The love of your life is there 1 minute then gone the next .. hard one to take .. I don’t get what changed so quick ..l anyway .. it is what it is, I’ll get over the pain of losing her and I can only hope 1 day she will see how much she means to me, right now I don’t think I even figure in her head. It’s been a tough learning curve this, but I’m helpless to influence her, only she knows what’s in her head right now … I must just accept that.
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Waccoe.......You might take a couple of days and read the most recommended book on this forum-----"Co-dependent No More". It is an easy read and I predict that you willl find a lot of it resonating with you.
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Waccoe.......You might take a couple of days and read the most recommended book on this forum-----"Co-dependent No More". It is an easy read and I predict that you willl find a lot of it resonating with you.
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Waccoe.......You might take a couple of days and read the most recommended book on this forum-----"Co-dependent No More". It is an easy read and I predict that you willl find a lot of it resonating with you.
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Originally Posted by Waccoe72
She has been drinking since the age of 13, she’s 34 now, yes I want her back, we still talk but she doesn’t show any emotion towards me, she was more of a binge drinker, 2 day bender then sleep it off but, then clean for a week then back on it, yes it was to dampen her challenges, she lost her kids who live with her parents, but sober she’s such a sweet girl,I could always see that good in her and helped her see there is a better life, the bit that’s hurt is last week we had one of the best weeks ever, went out places, she loved it, told me on many occasions she loves me, we were so close, then suddenly 2 days later I need space and I don’t want to see you, there isn’t another man on the scene, I did think this but I know there isn’t, it was just a big shock to hear it, I wanted to be there and encourage her, support her, but as she said she has love for me but doesn’t know what that means, probably like everyone has said, she’s learning her emotions sober and a commitment to me is probably beyond her capacity right now, she can’t give me what she was giving me, it’s too much, and I do understand that fully, as much as it hurts. I just need to accept it, respect her wishes, so hard when you’ve just had it all taken away after some real fun loving times, don’t get me wrong, it’s not been easy at times, it’s been hard work in places, but I was prepared for that, I knew what she was like but I love her for her, the drink was her devil it made her angry, sober, sweetest woman in the world.
I know I’m clutching at straws with her right now as I just dont want to lose her … but she seems clear in her head that I don’t figure in this journey .. for now .l whether I ever will I don’t know, I doubt it. The love of your life is there 1 minute then gone the next .. hard one to take .. I don’t get what changed so quick ..l anyway .. it is what it is, I’ll get over the pain of losing her and I can only hope 1 day she will see how much she means to me, right now I don’t think I even figure in her head. It’s been a tough learning curve this, but I’m helpless to influence her, only she knows what’s in her head right now … I must just accept that.
I know I’m clutching at straws with her right now as I just dont want to lose her … but she seems clear in her head that I don’t figure in this journey .. for now .l whether I ever will I don’t know, I doubt it. The love of your life is there 1 minute then gone the next .. hard one to take .. I don’t get what changed so quick ..l anyway .. it is what it is, I’ll get over the pain of losing her and I can only hope 1 day she will see how much she means to me, right now I don’t think I even figure in her head. It’s been a tough learning curve this, but I’m helpless to influence her, only she knows what’s in her head right now … I must just accept that.
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Originally Posted by Waccoe72
I appreciate everyone’s replies, it’s not what I want to hear haha .. but it’s good to understand the process ,,, makes much more sense now,
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...pace-wait.html (Should I give him space and wait)
It is very difficult to have things one way one moment and turned around the next, no question about it. It's on thing that makes relationships hard to separate from.
While she may have been "sober" technically, for a week here and there (that you know of - she may just have been drinking a bit less), being truly sober for a longer period of time is a different ballgame. The fog in the brain starts to clear, I'm sure things look very different from there. The brain needs to heal. There is also the challenge of saying and believing that you can no longer drink - ever - not even one drink.
So not only is drinking a soothing/emotional "help", it's a lifestyle. The pub, parties, clubs, friends, camping - whatever you two would get up to, all gone. I mean a sober person can go to the pub, of course, but you know they aren't as much fun sober and being around drunk people when you are sober is also not that much fun (as I'm sure you know). That's another huge change.
As she is addicted to alcohol, that addiction never goes away, she is never "cured" of it, which is why she can never drink again (if she chooses sobriety).
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Thank You
Thanks all for you're feedback, its been a tough week but we have met up and spoke about where she’s at, and where it leaves me, I’ve accepted she’s on an arduous journey and I don’t think she knows herself anymore nevermind having a relationship, I think you’re right, she needs a good year of recovery to find herself, the needing space bit I get and because I do have lots of love for her I’ve let go, she’s a bit emotionless with it all, well with me, so probably best for all we go our own way, she changed a lot very quickly, but very early in recovery, I hope she does this and comes through it and values the unconditional things in life I don’t think she even knows, it’s sad, it’s hurt .. but 1 day at a time. Maybe her love was just conditional, I’ll probably never know.
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