Mashabo

I don’t even know how to explain this, but I’ll try.

So, you guys have read my story here and know what kind of person my ex was. Nevertheless the way I felt towards him was smth like “real love” feeling (which of course is bs), but I felt that huge spark, fear to loose him, always longing for his attention etc etc. I now, in a way, understand that those stuff are not part of real love, but rather obsession of some kind.

What I really want to talk about here is the way I feel towards my current relationship. This feels like a truly healthy one. I feel safe, calm, loved, taken care of, listened to etc. But I don’t feel that huge spark like in the relationship before. I guess that’s the toxicity I felt instead of spark lol, but still, I sometimes start questioning “was that love? Or is this love? If that what I felt like love was toxicity does it mean that this is love when it feels calm and safe and good?”

I laugh a lot with my bf, my belly hurts sometimes. I feel very warm when I’m around him, I admire his inteligente. I always feel like he puts me first, which I never felt before with ex. All I’m all it feels like this guy is a dream guy haha, but it really frustrates me when I start comparing feelings in my head, that sounds dumb I know. Please tell me if you experienced anything like that after toxic relationship with an addict. Thank you 🧡

sage1969

Not dumb at all! Thanks for starting this thread.

My feeling is that when I was in the toxic, codependent relationships, yes, there was definitely the obsession you mentioned, which I think for me develops partly because of societal influences (living happily ever after) and what I internally create instead of relying on actual experiences with others; but also that spark of excitement. It's that same spark of excitement I felt when I was racing (I was a competitive cyclist and downhill skier). So in my case, I think being an adrenaline junkie, I also looked for that rush in my romantic relationships, however unhealthy the relationship.

Kudos on your "normal" relationship! It feels strange, after being through the wringer with your qualifier(s) to be in a healthy relationship, but everything you described sounds positive. Decide for you what you do want in your relationship, and if this guy checks all the boxes, that is great! Perhaps also realise that no one is perfect, and that dream guy is human; know what your boundaries are and keep it real.

dandylion

Mashabo.......a question-----do you feel any sexual attraction to this new guy----at all?

Actually, all romqntic attractions begin with a phisologic response----brought on by a cascade of bonding and attraction hormones. And, to be honest it can feel a bit obsessional in the beginning---dominating a lot of our thoughts an d wanting to spend lots and lots of time together. We tend to see them in a very positive light----very rose colored glasses. We think all their habits are cute or wonderful....lol. And, the sexual attraction is just undeniable.
This is normal in any brginning relationship----and it feels good and it is a normal part of any beginning relationsip. In the first weeks and months.
Mother Nature planned it this way for a very good reason.
Over time, IF the relationship is a good one, the relationship matures into a more realistic and comfortable feeling. Still, there are the romantic feelings and ther iis still sexual attraction, but it is not llike an avalance all day, every day......lol.
I think it takes a while to really get to know a person---to know all about them.

I believe that if there are lots of conflicts or arguments in the first several months---to about 2 years, at least----or you notice any red flags or you find yourself walking on any kind of eggshells----it is time to stop and re-evaluate if this is a person for you.

In generaal a relationship should allow you to thrive and bring out the best in you, in the overall.

Mashabo

Yes, I do, Dandylion. Not all day every day as you mentioned hah, but I do.

The thing I don’t is that obsession. I mean I do want to spend time with him and when I do I feel good, but I don’t obsess over it, and if I can’t see him for some reasons I feel quite fine too.
I just remember that with ex I felt that so strong that here it confuses me.

trailmix

When you met your exh you were young and in a foreign country and then you both returned to your home countries. Right from the beginning there were possible shifting sands. I also met my first husband when we were both living in a foreign country, but I was 16, we married when I was 18.

That alone lends excitement, will this work - won't it, lots of new experiences together, heck life is interesting with a new relationship in a new country! Then follows the distance relationship - also interesting, not so much fun, can be quite insecure.

Then hey, you are back together! Fun again! You are in a new country, also interesting, also a bit lost but you have him to lean on. You weren't long in to your relationship before he started using again. All bets are off, he's coming home just to sleep, saying things like he's not sure he should be in a relationship. Horribly unsettling for you, sands always shifting, where is he? What is he doing when he stays out this late? Will he be sober tonight? Is that obsessional or is that a normal human reaction?

So really, you never had a fair chance at any kind of normal relationship and for all the bad, those initial days in foreign countries can be great fun and interesting.

When you find someone and you are trusting of them, there is no need for obsession. He's going to play pool tonight until 11? And he shows up at 11:10. All is well. No excitement there. You don't have to wonder what he's up to because he is up to whatever he said he is, or didn't say directly but you trust him? It takes getting used to for sure, but it's so much better. But I absolutely see why you would question why you don't have those other feelings anymore.

Mashabo

Thank you, Trailmix. Your message is helpful and makes lots of sense. It was my first relationship ever, in a foreign country that right away turned into marriage, a problematic one with addiction, of course I felt all sort of things. But besides that I think it was also the beauty of living that fantasy lol. Thinking one day it will be different. And in a healthy one everything is already good, no need to fantasize he will be caring and loving and actually paying attention to me, cuz he already is doing that.

All in all it is a bit confusing and I wish my past relationship didn’t leave me so lost in my own feelings, but it is what it is and I guess I need to figure it out🙃

edoering

I had a very different experience with my XAH.

There was no obsession, he just felt like home. When we were together, I had this deep feeling of calm and comfort and freedom to be completely myself. He was always on my team, but didn’t co-sign any ******** of mine, and I like to think vice versa. I never had to doubt the love, because it was consistent and unconditional. Our fights were mostly long conversations spent trying to understand each other. I felt bolder and braver in the rest of my life because I knew whatever happened (career, etc) I could come back home and be safe and happy and loved.

There were only two times I didn’t feel that inner serenity and security. Very early when we started dating and his recovery was still new, and we were both very young and stumbling through our first serious relationship as adults. And then during the pandemic when his PTSD came back and he relapsed. Even while relapsing, he was still caring about me, supporting me (little things like making sure I was staying hydrated! Going for walks together! Helping me through my mom’s cancer…) until he had a manic episode and just left.

I don’t mean to say by any stretch of the imagination that our relationship was perfect. Obviously, ha ha. But I will never forget that feeling of serenity, and a feeling of knowing exactly where I belong, and exactly where my home is. And I won’t settle for anything less than that ever again.

edoering

How are you doing now, Mashabo? Do you find yourself comparing less or still the same? I thought of another perspective that might be worth investigating. With your current partner, do you like who you are around them? Are you a version of yourself you like being and want to continue being?

I don’t people should fully “change” for their partners, but I do think different people bring out different sides of us, and kind of like a magnetic force or a boulder in a river, we may be influenced by the interaction. So maybe, who we are around our loved ones is a good indicator of if this love is a beneficial love for us? Rather than using the intensity of feelings as an indicator.

Mashabo

Hey, edoering! Thanks for checking in. Yea, it’s weird. I sometimes feel like maybe not enough time has passed since all the drama with the ex and that’s why i feel so weird. Cuz I catch myself going back sometimes in my mind and still think about that.

I could definitely say that around my bf I can be myself and I’m a better version of myself. But I think I don’t let the guard completely, and I often act as if I’m being attacked. Like for example if the ex judged some of my actions I instantly feel like my bf would too and so I snap at him.

Building the new relationship is not easy for me after everything that has happened. And though I should just be happy with what I got, cuz I got a great person, I still feel weird from time to time. One day I feel like I’m in love, another day I doubt, it’s just annoying to be honest, but I hope with time I can let go all my past traumas and just enjoy life fully!

trailmix

Well I'm glad you updated Mash. I was thinking about this after your initial post.

I do know that relationships, "normal" ones, can run hot and cold (well that has been my experience), some days you just aren't feeling the love! Doesn't have to be for a reason. I think that's normal. On the other hand, just like when we say if someone is drinking and they say they don't have a problem and you are overreacting, they aren't an alcoholic! The amount of alcohol doesn't matter, it only matters how you feel about it.

I see a parallel to that. If you aren't feeling comfortable, if you have a gut feeling that maybe this isn't the right relationship, then maybe it just isn't. You could probably find 2-3 guys in a social situation that you are really compatible with and have great feelings toward who treat you like a gem, doesn't mean any or all of them are who you want to be with long term.

Time will tell if this is just getting used to a new relationship or carrying past trauma. Go with your gut feeling, don't dismiss your feelings (I'm sure you've done more than enough of that!).

I also get how you can carry things (sensitivity to certain things) with you. Things do influence how we react going forward, but maybe, after some time, as you said, this will fade.