mp315

I was with my ex on and off for 4 years. He was abusive even when he was sober. We broke up for the final time in December 2018 after I had him arrested for smashing in the window at my house. He became sober after our breakup and seem to get his act together. I found out he died of cancer in May by googling his name. The grief I feel today is surreal. I never imagined this would happen. I hoped one day that we could have been friends. I'm only remembering the good things about our relationship. I grieve the fact that he got sober and was in a good relationship and we never had that.

sage1969

I'm sorry that you've learnt of his passing in this way, and for your grief. Just because someone was abusive and not sober doesn't mean that you can't have feelings about him and the situation. Many of us grieve for lost relationships to alcoholism and addiction; not as many of us go through the death of our partner.

I will be honest, my deceased AH was so messed up and so violent that I felt truly guilty for the relief and sudden release from that life when he passed on. I think I will always feel a sadness when I think of the life that could have been, *but* it really all came down to his choices, which were bad at best and generally pretty evil.

As codies, our attachment style has so much to do with how we choose, build, and maintain relationships, and so often we hold onto relationships even when it's best for everyone to let them dissolve.

I'm thankful that your ex was hopefully able to live his remaining months sober and in recovery and in a better way. Not many people are able to get that extra chance at life and peace.

edoering

I am so sorry to hear about what you’re going through.

I do think sometimes, when we feel emotional pain, our brain wants a “reason” for it and starts to generate thoughts to “justify” the feelings that might not be true. Unfortunately, we can’t know if he had a good relationship after you or if he was truly sober—we never truly know what’s in a relationship unless we’re on the inside. It feels to me like that’s a thought your brain is picking to torture yourself a little bit. But it sounds like you know that already, you just are feeling it anyway!

Humans grieve potential as intensely as we grieve reality. Losing the possibility of reconnecting with him as a friendship is hard, and you are absolutely allowed to grieve that however you need to.

Bekindalways

Hey Mp, I would think this sucks for you in several different ways. Your grief can only be a bit complicated. Ugh.

I hope you manage to grieve in your own way for the death of this man. In spite of the addiction, he probably had many good qualities.

mp315

Thank you everyone. No one understands the grief I feel. Edoering it is so true what you say. I never thought I would feel this amount of grief over losing someone who hasn't been a part of my life for years.

mp315

Sage1969 I felt such relief when we finally broke up. I was upset but glad I was finally out of that relationship. I guess still had a little hope in the back of my mind.

sage1969

It's difficult because we want all the good things that can come from relationships, and the potential of what might have been is really sad to let go of. What I've found is that I've made my pain worse by mourning the what might have been. As difficult as it has been, I've tried to find ways to be thankful for all of it, good and bad, and then let it all go, both good and bad. There's still sadness, when I look back, but not the devastating painful heartbreak.

mp315

Thank you Sage1969. That helps a lot.