woodlandlost

Hello SR family,

I have been hiding in the shadows of the forum, lurking a bit. The last time I posted was when my Ex left or her 90 day program. I had a really productive summer. My daughter and I did a lot of travelling about, camping and fishing and she spent a couple weeks with cousins and grandparents too. She is an active and seemingly well-adjusted 13 year old girl. She had a few ups and downs over the summer, missed her mom, was angry at her mom and everything in between. Since EX has been back it looked like she was going to follow thru, but has recently fallen back again...my daughter is very upset and even attended a zoom al-ateen meeting, which Amaranth found and shared with me (Thank you!!) she loves her Al-Ateen group even though it is on the east coast of the USA and we are on the West Coast of canada. She is busy with high school now and was really enjoying seeing her mom. I have been pretty static...no progress on the dating front and honestly I know I am not a great candidate anyway...I still have so much growing up to do...I know I will never be perfect, so I can't wait for that to happen before I meet someone. I have also been really struggling with work!! So much pressure and perhaps I am growing really tired of it too. My motivation is waning and has been for a few years. I am considering a transfer back into teaching and out of administration...but it can be tricky if the boss isn't agreeable. I still have heart strings connected to my ex. I get triggered still, I still grieve the people we were when we were young and in love. This summer was also a lot of work fixing the house and property up...I was going to get the house up for sale in September but my EX avoided our realator and would not engage with him or sign off on the listing. So I am in limbo again...just as well, I have nowhere to go at the moment if we do sell. I am realizing this whole paragraph is a stream of consciousness monologue. sending you all hugs and good wishes.

dandylion

woodland......sooo happy that you have given us this update! I oftern wonder how it is going for you all. I remember, so well, how things were when you first came to the forum, and it feels so good to see the progress that you have made. I know that it has been very hard for you, at times, but I am impressed that you have been tenacious and have been able to face the realities.
It is especially good, I think, that you have been able to take so much of the family focus off of your wife's alcoholism as the nidus of the family---before your daughter was in full adolescence. 13 is such a pivotal age in any child's development. What happens at this age can have ramifications years in the future.
Likewise, for your wife---the fact that she went to a 90 day program and had some sobriety must indicate, that, at some level she must want change, even if she still struggles. Her future has yet to unfold. and I really hope thar she will not give up---and, that you can remain on "your own side of the street...lol.

I can relate to your feelings about administration. Hands on teaching, I would imagine, gives more immediate humanistic satisfaction.

To endeavor to take honest self examination is one of the hardest thing for us humans to do!! It takes bravery.

edoering

If you still feel stuck and tied to your ex, you could look up some “cord cutting” meditations and the like. The idea is to free yourself of those ties to unhealthy relationships, patterns, or people. This doesn’t mean that there will never be new cords made that bind us! It just means we are making room for new things by finally releasing the ones that leave us tied to things we have already lost.

trailmix

I'm glad you updated too. Oh 13, what a great age lol. I actually remember being 13, this probably doesn't seem odd to anyone else except my pre-20s are somewhat of a mystery most of the time, I remember very little and that's probably ok haha.

At 13 though, rebellion ruled, being 13 is hard! What is great is the attention you show your Daughter, you are like a rock to her even though sometimes it might seem like she may not see you that way. I'm so glad she likes her Al Ateen group.

I can't remember, who actually lives in the house, your ex?

When you said that about admin vs teaching - I really hope you look at the possibility of teaching again wandl, it sounds like that's where you would really like to be.

woodlandlost

Thanks all. Ya, my EX hasn't been in the house for going on 2.5 years now...crazy!! One would think that cord has been cut eh!!!!!!! Truly crazy how much the life I have lived isn't what I want going forward. The idea of shedding one's skin is really true and really complicated and scary. So many people on this forum have faced this and changed. I love hearing those stories...

trailmix

Right, so your ex didn't step up to sell the house, so rather than being in limbo, how about just settling in and telling her you are going to live there until your Daughter graduates at least? This is all surmising you want to stay there. Never mind "fair" and unfair and all that. She is obviously not hankering to sell the house so why not?

When you are living somewhere and you're not sure if it's going to be pulled out from under your feet at a moment's notice, that's really unsettling (well I know it has been for me - so guessing). It is one of those situations that causes kind of an underlying stress all the time. Even though you can sell and go out and get something else, it's not like you will be homeless, it's still stressful. That's just been my experience, yours may be different of course.

Nd819

Thanks for checking in Woodland I was wondering how things were going. It breaks my heart that your daughter doesn't have the mom that she deserves but my hat is off to you for stepping up and providing her with the stability she needs. You are going to set the bar high for men in her future which is a very good thing! Good luck with the job decision, if you can relieve some of your stress I think that would be a very good thing. Hang in there.

woodlandlost

Thanks all,

If you have 90 minutes to yourself listen to this:

https://therecoveryshow.com/2021/10/...tionships-368/