brokenheartedBF

This is gonna be a long one, sorry. It’s important for me to start by saying I have longstanding mental health challenges relating to depression and anxiety. I have been in therapy for a while now putting in serious work on myself. I also have been self-medicating with marijuana off and on, which I recognize is not healthy.

Basically, I had a serious relationship implode years ago in a way that messed with my self-esteem and really only within the last year have I stepped up my efforts to focus on changing what I can (me). I’ve made huge strides, and I finally found the strength to start dating again. It’s been a largely discouraging experience… dating apps suck, people are flakes. I thought I caught on with one woman for a minute but even for my short time with her I could tell she drank excessively and was emotionally distant. It was my first brush with alcoholism.

Then I met my XAGF. Unlike the previous lady I mentioned who didn’t attempt to hide her drinking, nothing seemed up about her. In fact, we clicked immediately and it felt wonderful. On the rare occasions we drank at all it was in extreme moderation. She was high-functioning, had her own small business but struggled with money issues, a not-fully-resolved divorce with an XAH of her own. We fell for each other quickly and because I wanted it to be what it seemed, I overlooked small things. Her schedule was confusing and seemed to leave very little time for seeing each other and she scheduled herself zero days off. In the beginning it was fine because of how new everything was but over time she was cancelling dates and being extremely distant in person. I chalked it up to her small business, being super stressed, etc. She would sometimes let slip a hurtful comment about the specifics of her sexual history without considering tact, she kept me aware that I was being judged. Could I earn her trust?

So because of my past experience and deep fear of losing this woman I go above and beyond. She needs something? I’m there. I’m showering her with emotional support. I’m just increasingly not getting any of it back. It got so that for the last few weeks the few times I did see her she had her sunglasses on, checked-out. 2 hours late to a date. We argued but it was always about me making her feel “judged.”

I didn’t know about the alcoholism until a couple days ago. I encouraged her to seek therapy and after the second session she eagerly told me she was deciding to get sober. This necessitated explaining that she had been hiding this severe drinking problem from me up to the point of lying about it once when I was certain I smelled alcohol on her breath. I stayed supportive, encouraged her to detox and hit a support group. I don’t actually know how much of that she did, or for how long. A couple days in I think she relapsed because she asked me to come drive her around to run errands and she was exactly like before. Shut down, not responding.

We broke up the other day. She ended it, said she needed to rediscover herself alone or something but everything she said seemed a clear pretext to just push me away. I asked her to reconsider, eventually she agreed to at least talk in a couple days.

I did a lot of research and this all sounds pretty textbook alcoholic behavior. I also think it’s clear I have codependency problems that need to be addressed. And my own addiction that I mentioned up top. I have little hope she’s going to want to get back together, and I know in my head that this is all probably me dodging a bullet. But it hurts, bad. All of these threads have been so helpful though, it gave me the context everything was lacking.

So I heard about Codependent No More, I intend to read that for sure. Any other advice? Considering this is the second alcoholic I’ve drawn to me, something I’m doing must be causing this. I feel powerless to control anything in my romantic life, so if I stop smoking (which I will, for me) and continue to focus on my own mental health… is that enough? I just want to be loved in the way I show love to other people. I’m exhausted with being used.

Considering the incredible hardships so many of you have suffered I feel embarrassed even posting this. I was with this person for like, two intense months. But I thought she loved me and the entire thing unravelling has made me see I have issues of my own. I want to deal with them and break this cycle.

edoering

You seem like you have a good plan ahead to heal yourself. I don’t know if I have much to add!

I will say, from personal experience, there will be days when it will be so painful to break the cycle so much of you will scream to just go back to what is familiar even if you know it’s not right for you. I’m learning to say to myself it’s okay when that happens. Healing self-love wounds is hard, and it doesn’t have to be linear or fast. I do believe that the healing work is enough to bring good into your life, but it might take a LONG time, so pace yourself and find reasons to do the work even when love or abundance isn’t incoming.

Another thing that makes a really big difference for me (though everyone is different) is really finding my personal belief system. Because there are times when I can’t see a “logical” reason to fight for myself and my healing, or when I don’t feel good enough to succeed at healing, and having something I truly believe in that has got my back really changed the game for me. There’s a fine line between believing in a Higher Power and trusting that Higher Power to guide you and take care of you. And the latter helps so much in the moments where it seems like nothing makes sense, or like there is no hope.

sage1969

As to why you have been drawn to this kind of partner, it might have to do with your attachment style, which develops as a child dependent upon how your main caretakers cared for you.

I thought I'd done the work after multiple relationships involving addiction and codependency, and then wound up here at SR after a painful breakup with yet another alcoholic. Codependency is the worst addiction of all. It takes consistent work to keep yourself in a healthy place and respecting your own boundaries.

Never feel badly about posting here -- we've all experienced heartbreak and that is so devastating, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

brokenheartedBF

thank you so much for that encouragement, especially the last bit about figuring out my belief system and drawing strength from it. I need something that feels real and right now it’s like I’m surrounded by half-truths and confusion. it’s very hard right now to accept that in situations like this with the ex I have no ability to change the situation because it’s about her addiction and not me. that somehow, counterintuitively, maxing out support is doing nothing but leaving me resentful and exhausted. and that being a symptom of my own addiction to the relationship.

again… thank you!!

advbike

Maxing out support often pushes them further away. I am a codependent man, and while I have mostly avoided alcoholics, there were a few when I was younger. Partying was always the most important aspect of the relationship for them. We are just someone to have fun with. They may even want more, but it will be a shallow relationship. Mostly I have tended to get into relationships with emotionally unavailable women, often quite attractive, or with an "edge".. but difficult to get close to and emotionally distant. And the more we try, the more the walls go up, eventually leaving us heartbroken. I have done this so many times I can't count, although in recent years I started to figure it out, had a lot of therapy, and learned about codependency and attachment styles.

I have also had a few relationships with normal, emotionally healthy women over the years, but found the relationships lacking in some way - either not exciting enough or the spark wasn't there, so my eye would wander or I would get bored. It's all a very dysfunctional pattern on both sides and we tend to attract those who are at the same level emotionally which in my case often meant not very healthy. Or of the opposite attachment style. Or those who need fixing. There was so much dysfunction, loss, alcoholism and absent caregivers in my childhood that it has been difficult to figure it all out. But I definitely have trouble with boundaries, saying no, and asking for what I need, and have been taken advantage of financially, as I tend to be overly generous too.

It is very important that you read the codependency book - it will open your eyes. It did mine. And one about attachment styles would be helpful too.

velma929

My alcoholic husband died. When I started dating, it was with the thought in the back of my mind that I'd be better off alone than with another addict.

Mind you - I was in my fifties, many of my peers opted not to meet with me at all. The good news for you is it's kind of a buyer's market, for men. It's counter-intuitive, but part of the solution is to be more selective. The most troubling part of your post (for me) is that YOU weren't fed up with being treated like that. You saw what was going on, you knew something was odd, you realized the relationship wasn't reciprocal, and yet it took her to end it. The problem isn't that you're attracting these women (which women respond to your ads isn't within your control) but you do have a choice about what kind of treatment you accept.

brokenheartedBF

It’s a problem! I’m only recently realizing I have codependency issues and need better boundaries. I also have an anxious attachment style, I think. Either way, this episode has helped me accept I need to specifically address it.