LovelyKaya33333

Hi guys... so today was wonderful. Not for any particular reason.. but for many. Ever since I had my slip up by talking on the phone with my soon to be exAH on Monday... I dug deep... I had already decided to take 5 days off of work which really turned into 3 full days off and 2 light days ... but it has already been a blessing. I feel like I am getting to the other side of this. Like really getting there. It had been over 2 months since I had talked to him before and we also had a separation for 6 months last summer so has no means this been a linear healing and most of the time I thought I was doomed to a life of loving an active alcoholic.... The things that have helped are....
**therapy ** same therapist for a year really helped
**this group
**finally saying No to people in my life who tend to take without giving and focusing my energy on myself and the relationships where the other person is present and cares back
**I started meditation and that has been huge
**writing the reality vs my fantasy of him
**for me spending a lot of time alone. I spend so much time with people for my career that spending time alone has been incredibly healing and fun
**loosing weight and pushing myself in my workouts
**thinking about what my desires are
**Realizing I don't have to be a party girl or anything else for that matter if it isn't authentic to me. I am ok with myself again and I feel like I am glowing today cause I am at peace
**Not drinking alcohol or using anything to numb the pain or check out

Today I just even got excited when I saw an ad for Mount Shasta. I thought it would be amazing to go there and spend a few days there. I haven't thought about me in so long that I forgot that I even would enjoy that. Trips before were always based on drinking and party versions of fun with my exAH... now I can go with a friend, by myself or even if I meet someone to a yoga retreat or surf trip.... 2 things I would love to do. I used to envy the couples I saw that lived a healthy lifestyle together... I realized today that one day I can be a part of that kind of marriage or relationship... feeling very excited and creative today ... I held that feeling all day today. I don't know if every day will be this way but I have certainly built a big tool shed with lots of tools to get through the not so good days that may come. This has been a almost 7 year journey in which I totally lost sight of what was normal and who I was.. I feel like I am quickly gaining traction and power and joy... It feels so good to feel a sense of peace... I don't know everyones story and I can't say they are all like mine.... BUT I will say that I never thought I would feel free again...Free of his drinking... Free of the mood swings... Free of feeling not good enough when he would drink and dismiss me and call me annoying...Free of not caring if the next day he said sorry and that he loved me... FREE of him and his opinions about me. If you are feeling lost or wondering if you can get through it... PLEASE read my first post from 2016.... I was only with him for 9 months at that point... I didn't listen to everyone who said it will get worse... and to run... instead I married him... I know it was my lesson to learn and I am thankful for it... but I don't even know who that person who wrote that is anymore... If I could make it through...you can too

AND ALSO THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU... Every single one of you who have given advice, not judged, allowed me to be in pain and walked along side me... This group is incredible

Goldee6

I am pretty new to this group and have been reading a bunch of threads, including some of yours. I just went back & read your very first one (as you had suggested) and also the one recently posted on illusions. I want to say thank you for being open & honest regarding your true feelings throughout your entire healing process. I am currently experiencing many of those same feelings. I’ve had panic attacks almost everyday for the past few weeks, and at times can’t control the crying & utter grief. And while it’s sad to know that others go thru it, it’s very comforting to know I’m not alone. I am so happy for you that you are on a positive, healthy path, which gives me some hope for myself. A light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you for that.

PeacefulWater12

Lovely post, thanks so much for sharing your joy and growing sense of peace.

sage1969

I am glad you are finding peace! It's been a difficult journey, and you deserve peace and happiness in your life.

StephEgan

Lovely post. I have been trying to search for your old posts but when I go to "search in forum" and past your name, I only get 2 recent things ... can anyone tell me how to look?

ironwill

Hi steph to search for previous post right click on the person screen name and you will see a drop down menu were it will take you to all threads started by them
It might be left click on my phone so I can't remember

StephEgan

Thanks

Floating

Hi Kaya, I went back and read your very first thread. It struck very close to home for me. I'm just so happy reading that you made it to the other side.

My finance left me abruptly right before our wedding. After I had given him every thing and all the support I could. I couldn't believe what happened.

I'm still wading thru my dumbfounded self and unwrapping wtf happened to me. He had been sober thru our 9 months together but I had helped him thru detox. And I thought we came out the other side. Apparently not so. Now I'm just hoping I make it to where you are.

Thank you for sharing your story. It makes everything feel less alone in the land of confusion.

LovelyKaya33333

Thank you... I had the worst panic attacks at first ... I was scared of my own sadness.... There is an amazing Ted Talk by Glennon Doyle called First the pain then the rising.... It is amazing... I would suggest it

LovelyKaya33333

Thank you....Hugs

LovelyKaya33333

Were you able to find them?

LovelyKaya33333

I am happy it helped you feel less alone It made all the difference for me too... The What the F rolled around my head and came out of my mouth often.... When he left...In one hour... I was in shock... Then I waited 3 weeks to say anything and my first text to him was "What the actual ****?" ....... Hang in there... Don't go back... I would say 75% of the time they try to come back...