Mashabo

Wanted to write here for a while but was just simply forgetting, and I guess it’s a good thing haha.

First of all I want to start this message by thanking everyone on this forum who has helped me in any possible way: writing their story, texting me the words of support and trying to let me see clearer picture when I was blindsided by everything that was happening in my life. Thank you so much, it helped me a lot!!!

Its been less than a year since my first post here and today I’m happy to say I’m in a much better place of my life: I’ve got a new job, I’m getting new apartment this month, I kept my dog, I managed to travel and visit my family, I’ve got a boyfriend 🙈 (who treats me well and cares about me more than my ex have ever done in 5 years), I’ve got many friends that are always there for me and are great people.

I very rarely think about my ex and my past, but when I do it’s more like watching a movie of past memories that no longer affect me as it did before. Of course that’s a constant work and I bet in several years from now it’ll be sooo far away in my head.

My ex never looked for me and now I know it was far better. It let me get stronger and heal. It gave me clear vision of what I need and want in my life. So please don’t think it’s bad when they don’t look for you, believe me it’s a blessing for you!

I know you will be in a better place soon enough, hang in there and keep doing your work, do the things that help you feel better. This journey is painful, but it’s beautiful. Beautiful because you find yourself after all this chaos you’ve been living. You finally see YOURSELF, that person that was living on the background all this time.

I send a virtual hug to everyone who is now in a bad spot, I know you will get through it!

PeacefulWater12

Lovely post, thanks for sharing. I am really happy for you. We can all get through this. Onwards to better lives.

dandylion

Thank you so much, Mashabo. I am thrilled to hear of how well your life is going!
It helps so much to hear stories such as yours----especially for those who can't envision life without the alcoholism. You give hope and inspiration

I am so proud of you and happy for you..

LovelyKaya33333

Thank you so much for this. I am right on the verge of begining to get to the other side. I can feel it. Thank you

Mashabo

Thanks a lot, dandylion! Your messages helped me tremendously.

What people are talking about here is real! And I know for a fact if I ended up with my ex I’d suffer a lot. Life is a lot better when we start focusing on ourselves and practice detachment

trailmix

So great to hear this Mash. It was a real struggle, but look at how it all turned out. I'm so glad you posted that.

I'm happy for you and hope you will keep posting, you have a lot of experience to share.

ironwill

Hi Mashabo,

I'm glad you life has turned around. That you have a BF that treats you like a women should be treated. You deserve it from everything that you went through. Just keep being strong and enjoy the little things. They are what count the most in life.

Bekindalways

So so good to hear from you Mashabo. Thanks for posting.

Spiderweb

Inspiring post! It’s wonderful that you are doing so well. I just made it to the other side and am starting the healing process. Your words are reassuring. If you feel like sharing things that helped, I’m sure people, myself included, would love to hear.

Mashabo

Thank you guys, this forum was of a huge help, very glad I found it!

Spiderweb, thank you for writing this. I’m happy you made it to the other side, even though right now it might not seem as anything happy to you, trust me, it’s for the best!

I’d love to share what has helped me ☺️

- So the first thing, and I guess very important one for me, is to understand that the person I fell in love with only existed in my head. I created that perfect guy in my mind, he didn’t even need to do the work. And I’m still in the process of understanding that, just because the feelings for him were too strong and they messed a bit the whole understanding of love for me.

- Talking about it A LOT (family, friends, this forum, psychologist) , helped me. Even though some says it’s not very good (and I agree if you just get obsessed with it and just never stop), but in my case I just needed it out of my system, and this is how I was doing it. Until one day I got so angry to keep talking about him and giving him so much importance that I stopped.


- Therapy.

- Not closing myself up and be open to meet new friends, people, going on trips. Of course always listening to myself, not forcing anything. If smth could bring me even a bit of joy - I was going for it (like lunch with a good friend, short trip to the nature, walk with my dog, exercising). But if I knew it just wouldn’t make any difference for me and maybe even made it worse (like parting, drinking etc) I was not doing it.

- Taking responsibility for my life. This one is very important. I needed to understand that my life is only in my hands. Only I owe myself taking care of my future, and no one else. Looking for a better work opportunities, ways to improve my overall living like a better apartment, better food etc.

- Praying, being grateful for every little thing I manage to achieve. Taking the time to observe how far I’ve come.

- Living through all the emotions: whether it’s anger, sadness, frustration - it helped me to live through it and not just bury it.

- And little stuff like tasty food, good movie (mostly comedies), nice music. Decorating my household in a cozy manner (with Christmas lights, flowers etc)


I hope all this can help you in your process of healing. But believe me you will make it through, and when you do you will look back and think “No way I’d ever go back there.” Send you hugs and wish you lots of strength, we are all here for you

Spiderweb

Thanks for posting all those great ideas, Mashabo. I’m working on a lot of those- therapy, spending time with friends, exercising, being in nature. You mentioned good food and movies- yes! Those are both so comforting to me right now. The simple pleasures in life. And on bad days I remember the bad times in the relationship and it’s a good reminder, like you said, that he was not all I imagine sometimes. Thanks for your post and here’s to happy times ahead for us both.

trailmix

I like that you are doing nice things for yourself mash!

I quoted the above because in certain situations this has also helped me. I think also if you have cognitive dissonance it takes some "de-programming" (for lack of a better term) to get good perspective. Also good conversation makes us feel better and I think when you start to sift through things, those conversations can give you a good feeling (or at least better). Kind of like laying down the problem for a while.

sage1969

If I look at each relationship I've had with an alcholic or addict, or if I'm 100% honest with myself, each relationship I've had, this is what gets me every time. I've had to work really hard at not making people up in my head but accepting them as they are in each moment. It has taken me a long time to learn this the hard way, so hopefully I'm able to teach my children this and help them avoid much heartache.