Update
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 19
Update
Hello everyone, I was dumped about 8 months ago and came here to post about it. Reason being that the woman I thought was madly in love with me was also an alcoholic. You people were very helpful and nice. I don't know exactly how it could be relevant to this forum, but I kind of need to give an update.
What happened then: We were together for 4 years. I realized that she's an alcoholic. She desperately wanted a baby. Heck, we'd been together 2 months and she told me she was ready to have one. She was 19 back then. I told her that I would be ready to have children with her once she starts taking care of herself for real. And she did, for the last 6 months of our relationship. Told me she'd stop drinking. We starting talking about having children in a nearer future. Everything was falling into place, we were preparing to have a family.
She came back in touch with her father, whom she was distant with on account that he once was a violent man. He seemed to have changed, and she was delighted to finally have a father. Then the news came. This I did not say before in my posts, but now I feel more comfortable with. She learned that, about 10 years ago, he had raped her step-sister. We confronted him, she basically told him that it was all over. She lost her father all over again, and this time it was for good.
After that event, she changed. Her behavior around me was distant. She went on vacation with friends for a week and when she came back, she left me. The next day, she explained to me that she was going to start drinking again, she couldn't stop. I was devastated for her and for us.
She left me for another man. The man in question is literally twice her age (she's closer to his oldest boy's age than she is to his). He desperately wanted more children, but his ex-wife wanted to stop after two. At one point, in our relationship, she admitted to almost cheating on me with the same guy. Told me she was drunk and it was a stupid decision, that she knows what she almost lost and that he was just a guy. Being in love, naive and probably blind, I forgave her. We had planned to build a house together. She went to him for advice, as he had already built a few houses himself. I was so dumb, I ate up everything she told me and believed her when she said that she was going to his place to work on the house plans.
Maybe three weeks after the breakup, she tells me she's moving in with him. Two months later and she's pregnant with his child. It's been 8 months since the breakup and I'm still in pain. She's coming back to the apartment tomorrow to pick up something she forgot. I won't be there when she shows up, I can't face her.
Knowing that she's going to show up one last time is bringing back a lot of pain. I feel used and gullible. I loved her so much, and things seemed to be going so well. She left all of a sudden. I kept hoping that she'd come back, that she would realize that she was acting out of impulsive because of the lack of alcohol and the news about her father. It looks like I was wrong. I don't know what it was that drove her away, but for her to go this far, this soon with this man, I can't believe that it's just the emotional turmoil anymore.
Regardless of her addiction, I was happy. I had found a person whom I loved like I never loved anyone. I loved her family, loved her friends, loved her cat... and it's still hard because of how sudden and unexpected it was. I'm moving out in july. For now, I'm stuck living in the apartment we moved into together two years ago.
It's hard, and I'm tired of being in pain over her. It feels so wrong, to be tossed like a dirty towel, without a glimpse of a doubt that everything was fine. Every damn day she'd tell me how much she loves and cares for me. How we would grow old together. And then she's gone, just like that. And I'm left with nothing.
What made this worse, is that I begged for her to tell me that she doesn't love me anymore. That way I could live the breakup normally. But she didn't. Kept telling me that she loves me as much as she always did, that sometimes love isn't enough. Easy enough to say. Then she told me that she was scared that she'd regret it in 10 years. So because of all that, I kept a bit of hope. Always a little thread. I started by thinking, she could end up realizing that she still loves me for real. That she'll snap out of it and come back. Then she got pregnant. What a fool I was, right. And I hate myself right now because part of me still can't comprehend how she could just leave me like that, after so many years together, without telling me something was wrong beforehand. I had no time to prepare for this, I still feel punch-drunk. The worst part is that I still love her. After what happened and what she did, I still see her tenderly in my mind, and it hurts so much, because I should be mad. I should be angry at her and be happy that tomorrow's the last time she'll ever come to the apartment. Instead, I keep thinking on our relationship, the good times, all the joy she brought me and took away from me in a snap of a finger.
So yeah, this post isn't rich in content I suppose, but I really needed to vent. I'm trying so hard to get better. And sorry for the english. I usually take time to correct myself, but I can't today. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read.
What happened then: We were together for 4 years. I realized that she's an alcoholic. She desperately wanted a baby. Heck, we'd been together 2 months and she told me she was ready to have one. She was 19 back then. I told her that I would be ready to have children with her once she starts taking care of herself for real. And she did, for the last 6 months of our relationship. Told me she'd stop drinking. We starting talking about having children in a nearer future. Everything was falling into place, we were preparing to have a family.
She came back in touch with her father, whom she was distant with on account that he once was a violent man. He seemed to have changed, and she was delighted to finally have a father. Then the news came. This I did not say before in my posts, but now I feel more comfortable with. She learned that, about 10 years ago, he had raped her step-sister. We confronted him, she basically told him that it was all over. She lost her father all over again, and this time it was for good.
After that event, she changed. Her behavior around me was distant. She went on vacation with friends for a week and when she came back, she left me. The next day, she explained to me that she was going to start drinking again, she couldn't stop. I was devastated for her and for us.
She left me for another man. The man in question is literally twice her age (she's closer to his oldest boy's age than she is to his). He desperately wanted more children, but his ex-wife wanted to stop after two. At one point, in our relationship, she admitted to almost cheating on me with the same guy. Told me she was drunk and it was a stupid decision, that she knows what she almost lost and that he was just a guy. Being in love, naive and probably blind, I forgave her. We had planned to build a house together. She went to him for advice, as he had already built a few houses himself. I was so dumb, I ate up everything she told me and believed her when she said that she was going to his place to work on the house plans.
Maybe three weeks after the breakup, she tells me she's moving in with him. Two months later and she's pregnant with his child. It's been 8 months since the breakup and I'm still in pain. She's coming back to the apartment tomorrow to pick up something she forgot. I won't be there when she shows up, I can't face her.
Knowing that she's going to show up one last time is bringing back a lot of pain. I feel used and gullible. I loved her so much, and things seemed to be going so well. She left all of a sudden. I kept hoping that she'd come back, that she would realize that she was acting out of impulsive because of the lack of alcohol and the news about her father. It looks like I was wrong. I don't know what it was that drove her away, but for her to go this far, this soon with this man, I can't believe that it's just the emotional turmoil anymore.
Regardless of her addiction, I was happy. I had found a person whom I loved like I never loved anyone. I loved her family, loved her friends, loved her cat... and it's still hard because of how sudden and unexpected it was. I'm moving out in july. For now, I'm stuck living in the apartment we moved into together two years ago.
It's hard, and I'm tired of being in pain over her. It feels so wrong, to be tossed like a dirty towel, without a glimpse of a doubt that everything was fine. Every damn day she'd tell me how much she loves and cares for me. How we would grow old together. And then she's gone, just like that. And I'm left with nothing.
What made this worse, is that I begged for her to tell me that she doesn't love me anymore. That way I could live the breakup normally. But she didn't. Kept telling me that she loves me as much as she always did, that sometimes love isn't enough. Easy enough to say. Then she told me that she was scared that she'd regret it in 10 years. So because of all that, I kept a bit of hope. Always a little thread. I started by thinking, she could end up realizing that she still loves me for real. That she'll snap out of it and come back. Then she got pregnant. What a fool I was, right. And I hate myself right now because part of me still can't comprehend how she could just leave me like that, after so many years together, without telling me something was wrong beforehand. I had no time to prepare for this, I still feel punch-drunk. The worst part is that I still love her. After what happened and what she did, I still see her tenderly in my mind, and it hurts so much, because I should be mad. I should be angry at her and be happy that tomorrow's the last time she'll ever come to the apartment. Instead, I keep thinking on our relationship, the good times, all the joy she brought me and took away from me in a snap of a finger.
So yeah, this post isn't rich in content I suppose, but I really needed to vent. I'm trying so hard to get better. And sorry for the english. I usually take time to correct myself, but I can't today. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,009
Heya Tom. So glad you came to vent here. We can't take the pain away but we can empathize. The pain in this situation is just excruciating and goes on for way way too long. That you dodged a bullet is no comfort when you are in love with the bullet.
She may well love you but like all alcoholics, loved drinking more. No one can compete with a drug of choice. No one.
Please do everything you can to care for yourself right now. I hope you have a bit of a support system you can rely on.
Let us know how you get on. Vent all you want.
She may well love you but like all alcoholics, loved drinking more. No one can compete with a drug of choice. No one.
Please do everything you can to care for yourself right now. I hope you have a bit of a support system you can rely on.
Let us know how you get on. Vent all you want.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 336
I am so, so sorry for what you are going through. The feeling of being used is so strong, that’s EXACTLY the word I’ve been using recently to explain how I feel. Used and discarded. That’s awful, and you deserve better.
Like your LO, my husband promises he loves me more than anyone he’s ever loved, and yet feels he “has to” leave me and go make a bunch of basically dangerous decisions. Like it’s a compulsion. I think on some level he really does love me, and he knows when we were together it was a healthy love, so of course he has to push me away so he can be “free” to be unhealthy. Free to use, and to stay trapped by his past traumas. It’s heartbreaking. I keep waiting for him to “wake-up” and it keeps not happening, and I’m beginning to realize it might never happen.
I guess I just want to let you know you deserve someone who is capable of loving you in a healthy way. Just because our LOs are capable of such sudden, horrible things doesn’t mean the good parts of the past weren’t real. But, based on your story, it sounds like you can’t have those good things with her now. And it sounds like you are making your current choices based on her current behavior, which I think is a great way to go.
Keep on keeping on! And keep on taking care of yourself, whatever that looks like.
Like your LO, my husband promises he loves me more than anyone he’s ever loved, and yet feels he “has to” leave me and go make a bunch of basically dangerous decisions. Like it’s a compulsion. I think on some level he really does love me, and he knows when we were together it was a healthy love, so of course he has to push me away so he can be “free” to be unhealthy. Free to use, and to stay trapped by his past traumas. It’s heartbreaking. I keep waiting for him to “wake-up” and it keeps not happening, and I’m beginning to realize it might never happen.
I guess I just want to let you know you deserve someone who is capable of loving you in a healthy way. Just because our LOs are capable of such sudden, horrible things doesn’t mean the good parts of the past weren’t real. But, based on your story, it sounds like you can’t have those good things with her now. And it sounds like you are making your current choices based on her current behavior, which I think is a great way to go.
Keep on keeping on! And keep on taking care of yourself, whatever that looks like.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Hi Tom! I just went back and read your original thread. You mentioned at the time in reply to what I said that it was a really good relationship, aside from the drinking.
You know, when things like this happen it is all to easy too just keep reviewing the "good times". As I said then, she is not two people, she is one person. The great person you know and the alcoholic, you can't separate the two.
.
You mentioned she would spiral in to a very dark place after drinking during the night. Is that a "good time". All I'm saying is, we don't like to, generally, focus on the negatives, it's all too easy to whitewash what has gone on. I would recommend you copy down the list above and start adding more. Refer to that list anytime you start thinking of how wonderful it was, she is. It sounds painful to do, but you will be surprised, probably, at how much better it makes you feel.
The mind can get in to a loop on these things and carrying this torch for this woman is not where you really want to be perhaps so time to really look at it? You're not stupid or gullible by the way, you perhaps just didn't know that much about addiction and she showed you what she wanted you to see, how she was feeling at the moment, also, she is obviously impulsive.
You know, when things like this happen it is all to easy too just keep reviewing the "good times". As I said then, she is not two people, she is one person. The great person you know and the alcoholic, you can't separate the two.
.
- She knows I have an alcoholic mother, and how important it is for me not to have my (future) kids go through that kind of thing. She promised me that she'd change
- She was never violent when drunk, but she'd spiral into a very dark place at the end of the night
- She came home from the bar one night and told me that she almost cheated on me with a much older guy (40 years old) that she befriended and who worked at the same place I work at. He had enough respect and restraint to tell her that it was a bad idea.
- She kept in contact with the guy, said that he would always only be a friend.
- She did tell me that she was finally going to go see a therapist. A week later, when I asked her if that was still the case, she said no.
- Two weeks later, we met at a cafe and she announced that she was officially in a relationship with the guy she almost cheated on me with
- She is now pregnant with the other man's child
You mentioned she would spiral in to a very dark place after drinking during the night. Is that a "good time". All I'm saying is, we don't like to, generally, focus on the negatives, it's all too easy to whitewash what has gone on. I would recommend you copy down the list above and start adding more. Refer to that list anytime you start thinking of how wonderful it was, she is. It sounds painful to do, but you will be surprised, probably, at how much better it makes you feel.
The mind can get in to a loop on these things and carrying this torch for this woman is not where you really want to be perhaps so time to really look at it? You're not stupid or gullible by the way, you perhaps just didn't know that much about addiction and she showed you what she wanted you to see, how she was feeling at the moment, also, she is obviously impulsive.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 76
This has happened to me several times over the course of the last 2 yrs with the same woman (minus the pregnancy)...for some reason today has been extra hard. Was always torn between her "demands" to move forward/marriage/family and my "desire" for us to live a healthy lifestyle, without clear addiction. Still think about her all the time, wondering if I did the right thing. It's very tough, I can absolutely relate to the position you are in. And her moving on so quickly each time only adds to the confusion, as if the feelings weren't even real. Hang in there, they say time heals all wounds
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Hi TomR,
I am sorry for what brings you here, but please don't hate yourself.
https://self-compassion.org/the-thre...-compassion-2/
The very first ability we lose growing up in a dysfunctional house with
one or more alcoholics is self compassion. There is much to sort out
for yourself and about yourself when you have been raised by an
alcoholic mother. Your relationships will be all about trying to
"fix" the one between you & your mother - I know it seems crazy,
but it's true. Getting therapy/counseling from someone trained in
addiction and family dynamics will help you understand many
important things so that you will be able to choose a healthy
partner in life. Alanon is very helpful too although it may take
several meetings before you find the best one for you.
You can learn a great deal from this past relationship if you choose,
and it will change your life for the better. She was, at 19, still
struggling to find her own self, much too young to sustain a healthy
permanent relationship, and when you add her alcohol abuse and
desire to have a baby, - she is running away from herself & not at all
healthy.
I am sorry for what brings you here, but please don't hate yourself.
https://self-compassion.org/the-thre...-compassion-2/
The very first ability we lose growing up in a dysfunctional house with
one or more alcoholics is self compassion. There is much to sort out
for yourself and about yourself when you have been raised by an
alcoholic mother. Your relationships will be all about trying to
"fix" the one between you & your mother - I know it seems crazy,
but it's true. Getting therapy/counseling from someone trained in
addiction and family dynamics will help you understand many
important things so that you will be able to choose a healthy
partner in life. Alanon is very helpful too although it may take
several meetings before you find the best one for you.
You can learn a great deal from this past relationship if you choose,
and it will change your life for the better. She was, at 19, still
struggling to find her own self, much too young to sustain a healthy
permanent relationship, and when you add her alcohol abuse and
desire to have a baby, - she is running away from herself & not at all
healthy.
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