pizza67

AH: Tell me what you want me to do about lunch. I don’t enjoy eating next to your angry silence or your pretend small talk.

me: Eat when you want, it’s warming in the oven. I’m running to Target now.

AH: oh is that why I heard the door slam? (I’ve called him out on him doing this. I don’t do it.)

me: haven’t left yet. Don’t know about the door. Gtg. (End of convo)

(Not going to address any future texts today.)

mylifeismine

I think that is good Pizza. You remained neutral, didn't JADE, gave brief uninteresting
answers and exited convo quickly.

pizza67

Thanks. Today he sent me a screed about how I’m not even trying and I’m waiting until the end of the pandemic to divorce him. (Because I didn’t eat lunch with him.)

i pointed out that I assumed he didn’t want me to eat lunch w him based on yesterday. And asked him not to text me.

he said so my choices are angry silence or meaningless small talk? And that he “pities” me.

i said his choices are to not try to control how I talk , or not to talk. And that his last comment is offensive so I am blocking him.

trailmix

Good! So now keep him blocked? Say what you mean and mean what you say then he will understand that.

I hope you will keep communicating with him (verbally) briefly and to the point. It has been said before, he is not stable mentally. Please always remember to keep your eyes open, he can't be trusted.

mylifeismine

I can't say what it s the best advice for your situation as everyone, although
similar, has different circumstances. In my situation, I detached and around
the same time I had a discussion with my then AH that I no longer wanted
destructive criticism in my home, I wanted it to be a safe place for me. If
either of us had a problem with something the other was doing, we would
ask kindly for a change or discuss it WITH a resolution. No more
meaningless, destructive, unresolved arguments. It didn't happen
overnight of course, he tested to see if I was serious. It was very quiet
at our house for many, many months (kids are adults, just he & I at home).
I never feared for violence. Although he is in recovery now,that was his decision.
By detaching I do think I left him alone to his own thoughts and drinking-
and I don't underestimate the impact it had. I finally had the peace and
quiet and the feeling of being safe in my own home. He still quacked a lot,
and I came close to the very end of my ability to watch him destroy himself
when he chose to get help. He did have a 10 year period of sobriety
earlier in our marriage, but the last 5 years of his drinking were out
of control and permanently damaged his kidneys and his thinking is
affected too. Knowing what I know now - I wouldn't have treated
myself so poorly. And I have deep regrets about what our kids went
through - still haunts me.

flower959

What he says to you is very disturbing and abusive. Just be careful. I do think that when there's someone that is making such crappy comments and putting the responsibility of things on you when they shouldn't be, you're dealing with a narcissistic & abusive person. It could escalate. So, again, just be careful. You'll have to be the judge of whether you need to respond in a certain way to keep yourself safe. However, I'd try to respond less and less to his crappy comments. Practice grey rocking. Maybe he'll realize that he's not getting to you anymore and will likely move on to torment someone else.

Again, you have to be the judge of how to respond if it's necessary to keep yourself safe.

mylifeismine

Just need to add that as others have said, the things your husband does and
says to you and your children is disturbing and abusive. That's what I meant
about everyone's situation with different circumstances. I did what I did
with input from a therapist, a sponsor in alanon, and a good friend and helpful
advice on this forum. My husband never spoke to or our children or me the way
your husband speaks to you. Detaching may very well have different results
for you so please listen to your gut and keep you & your kids safe.