HopeUnending

During the last several benders, AH tells me and even a friend from his former rehab stint he's wanting to go back to rehab, get help, tired of drinking etc. When he gets sober, no further mention of any intentions. I haven't asked, just trying to get through the holidays.
I intended to have a conversation last night since he finally was sober a few days to see if he truly is planning a move to get/stay sober. He was drunk when I got home so conversation is off the table for now.
I have a question, is it out of line for me to just ask where his mindset is? Or is my answer simply his actions of continuing to go on benders? I don't want to spark a sense of ultimatum or meddling into his business so to speak. But I feel like we dance around the elephant in the room when he's sober but I feel so out of the loop. I need to know if I need to be anticipating a rehab stint or what. I also am tired of all this and am working on my own plans to leave at some point when I get things lined up, though slow going.

SparkleKitty

I don’t think asking one’s partner where their head is at is, in general, overstepping.

I do however think that it’s plain, from his actions, that he has no intention of addressing his drinking right now.

HopeUnending

Thanks Sparkle Kitty! I'm still trying to understand where the line is between being informed for necessary reasons and digressing back to getting too involved/engaged in his drinking behaviors.
I didn't really believe him about his big plans to getting in recovery as I've heard these lines occasionally before. Actions speak louder than words, right?!

SparkleKitty

If it were me, I would assume he has no plans to quit drinking and make my own plans accordingly. There will be plenty of opportunity to show you if he makes a real change, but I wouldn't hold up my life waiting for him to do so.

nez

I am an alcoholic in recovery, even so it hard to know what exactly is going on in another person's head, but to me it sounds like deep inside he wants to quit, however the fact that he doesn't mention it when sober points to him be strongly immersed in denial. It is impossible to guess a timeline or event that will break the dam of denial.

This is a perfectly reasonable question to ask especially when framed by the fact that he is the one who mentioned the possibility in the first place. Don't fail to point that out if you ask and I would probably use it as a lead in to the question.

I am sorry that you are going through this. While you may not be able to help your husband, you have helped this alcoholic, because the next time I start to get impatient with my wife, I will remember what I put her through 18 years ago. Godspeed on your journey and may strength, courage, and serenity be your companions.

trailmix

You are "meddling" in your own business, true? There is no way his behaviour is not affecting you, all of this, the benders, the silence about drinking when he is sober, whether you can plan for another stint at rehab, this is all your business too.

You can't control anything he is doing, you can only control your own plans.

I would absolutely ask. He has mentioned going back to rehab as well as mentioning to his friend, is he serious about doing this now?

You will probably get some kind of vague answer like "i'm thinking about it". Or "i would like to" etc etc (this means no).

Once you have that answer, you can decide what you are going to do with that information.

FallenAngelina

One of the biggest trip-ups early on is thinking that we need, or can even get, a straight answer out of an addict in order for us to be able to move forward or find some peace of mind for ourselves. An active addict can never reliably tell us what they will do. You actually are not in the dark at all. You know everything you need to know by observing your AH. He's shown you exactly what he intends to do, so really there's no elephant. If he is not in an active recovery program today, he is not in recovery. Even if you could extract them out of him, an addict's words of intention are worth less than zero. Right now, you know everything that you need to know.

HopeUnending

I do believe when he's in the bender, he hates it. He's miserable. He's tired of being let down by the idea he can control his drinking once he starts.
I also believe he has yet to see recovery as a life or death decision. It is. He's nearly 30 years in and his body is suffering badly.
He is a terrible drunk person. It is so very ugly who he becomes. It breaks my heart to see the destruction it has done to me, his family, his business, and himself.
I commend you for the hard work you are doing to change your future and that if your wife!

HopeUnending

True! I feel his plans are my business. I know when drinking its pointless to discuss which is why I mostly ignore his chatter when drinking. I plan to continue my plans despite what his are. Because I've seen no signs of change and he is aware of my feelings concerning being in this environment "forever".

HopeUnending

Duplicate post

HopeUnending

Yes that was totally me in the earlier years but last couple years I try to disregard words without action. It's hard, sometimes I fall right into the trap.

Yep think I know he is not ready to do what he's talking about, simply because he hasn't done anything showing it.

mylifeismine

Imagine you have both jumped out of an airplane, you are tethered together, each
with your own parachute that will deploy and save the person who deploys,
one or both of you.

The relationship with an addict impacts us and we become very good at denial, we
dont grasp how bad and dysfunctional the relationship/ person has become. At
some point we might have a moment of clarity and can see and feel how bad it
is and how much worse it will become.

We can only save ourselves. Whether or not the addict/alcoholic will become sober
is completely on their timeline, as is when or if their moment of clarity will ever
come. Save yourself, alcoholism is progressive and after so many years of
drinking it has taken a toll on your health too, even if you don't accept it yet.
Its called the family disease of alcoholism and it negatively impacts all who
live with it. I hope you have support with Alanon and a sponsor, a counselor, a higher
power, and maybe a friend who has lived with addiction.

nez

Recovery is a program of action. "Wanting" to stop is not an action. Talk is cheap and anybody can do it and most do. Talk doesn't change anything, action does.