Lifeonhold

I love him, but it’s more of a love from far away. I don’t feel in love. But there is this small part of me hoping that old relationship will come back. He is not unemployed, he is returning to school. I can go along but the problem is I feel like I am just waiting. Waiting for another relapse or to find bottles somewhere. I am in school also so for me it is nice to have a companion but also I feel like this is as good as it gets. I don’t see him trying to help himself. He has just pretended nothing has happened. I’m guessing so that I’ll get off his back about things regarding alcohol. Everyone in his family doesn’t talk about it, no one will talk to me about it. It’s so bizarre, as if they’re all in denial. I just don’t understand. For others who have stayed, does it get worse? Can someone really just put down the drink and not crave it anymore? This is what he tells me, I do not believe it. I feel like he is a ticking time bomb.

trailmix

LOH, no one can really answer if it gets worse or not. Some people recover, some don't. Some people are not physically addicted to alcohol, it may be more of a mental thing, that's the true nature of alcoholism.

As for the family, they have lived through this before, they know about his drinking etc and there is nothing they can do. They didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it, no more than you can. So what is the point of continuing to discuss it. He will get help when he decides to and not a moment before, they probably know that.

I get what you are saying, this is a person who was ruining his life with alcohol and now he is, somewhat, ruining his life in depression, the house is on fire, where are the people with the buckets!! Well, the family has probably used all the buckets before, they can't force him to do anything, they can't drag him to a psychiatrist or therapist, he is a grown man and can make his own decisions.

At this point, if he has in fact been sober for 1.5 years, this isn't a result of alcohol per-se, this is a result of not seeking treatment for his issues. If he was self-medicating with alcohol before, what does he have now? Nothing, nothing to lean on, no break from the way he is feeling (which is obviously not great mentally).

So no crystal ball I'm afraid. The only way you will know how he works this out, if he ever does, is with time. No two people are alike.

Alcoholism requires (usually) at least some denial and avoidance of the amount they are drinking, whether they are in fact addicted etc. It wouldn't be suprising if that same denial and avoidance is at play now, with regard to how he is feeling?

You might find these articles interesting, in learning more about how alcoholism works/is:

Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Floyd P. Garrett, M.D.


Getting Away With Addiction?
There is more to addiction than meets the eye

"But the addict, by means of mental defense mechanisms of denial, avoidance, rationalization and justification, also seeks to hide from himself the gravity and frequently the absurdity of his addictive infatuation and pursuit of a substance, process, or person.

The addictive process, because of its profoundly irrational and inhuman demands, cannot long exist in an atmosphere of free and open exchange of information. Just as the first casualty of war has been said to be truth, so in the progression of addiction there is usually a steady erosion of personal frankness, candor and basic honesty in regard to the addiction and its mandated behaviors",

FallenAngelina

He is.

And even if he could, merely putting down the bottle would not change this.

Lifeonhold

Thank you for your reply! Honestly I do not believe the family used all their buckets before. From what I learned from his friend was that he had been living with friends and constantly drinking, his family having no idea, and later him getting a DUI. He tried to commit suicide after that. This was before I met him. It was his ex girlfriend that also tried to get his family involved. So history repeats itself. Even now, knowing his history they still think this is an act of immaturity and not addiction. They just believe he doesn’t have the responsibilities to live alone. The family didn’t know he was living with me and drinking and driving etc. I honestly believe they don’t know half the extent of how bad this is. Yes he is an adult and can make the decision to get better. But at what length will they continue to be in denial? He could have killed me or himself with driving. He has no money or health benefits to even seek out rehab or psychiatric treatment. I just feel like they could really help him more or even just talk about things. Nobody talks to me about his past or anything and it drives me crazy. Maybe they don’t want to talk about it more. It’s like we all just pretend things are just fine, and by putting down the drink he will be just fine. Clearly that didn’t work before. Idk maybe I am being so naive about all of this.

Lifeonhold

I so get what you’re saying that they can’t drag him into treatment. But I also feel that by not acknowledging that he has problem is not good either. I think this has moved past the point of immaturity, he will not admit he has an addiction. Therefore, he believes he doesn’t need AA because his family does not believe he has an addiction. I work in the medical field and I some awareness of treatments and rehab facilities. All of which he does not want to seek out. His family has suggested meeting with a pastor and I suggested some assistance with medication and potentially speaking with a associations councellor. So because I am suggesting he has an addiction and his family is merely saying this is an act of immaturity, I am the bad guy here. I can tell he resents me. But to sit here and pretend along with his family that this is just going to go away on its own seems like madness.

trailmix

Well, there is a big stigma that accompanies alcoholism. Maybe you haven't encountered that much but many people don't have good things to say about people who are alcoholics. Some believe they are weak or just like alcohol too much or are just bad people who don't look after their family properly etc etc. Many people know nothing about addiction and you can't really blame them, no one teaches you about it, many don't know much until they are in a situation such as you find yourself in.

Now you may not think of it as something not to be discussed, but his family might and even he might, there is shame involved. They sent him to their pastor, he also went to 1 meeting with a counsellor. He knows AA is out there, he knows there is free help available, he has decided he doesn't want to take that help right now.

It's kind of like mental illness, there used to be a huge stigma attached to that and therefore people didn't seek treatment and they certainly didn't discuss it. Of course there still is to some degree, but people are much more open about it now, which is great.

You are probably the closest thing to a friend he has right now. He trusts you right? But he has clearly stated to you he doesn't want to talk about it. Why then would he want to discuss it with his family. It's not them, it's not you, it's him.

What options do they have really?

This is all up to him, this is his side of the street (not yours and not theirs). Sometimes we don't like the choices people make, but we have to respect them all the same.

To you. You are resisting accepting what is in front of you I think and I don't mean that in a bad way. You want and hope for things to go back to the way they were and on his current path there is NO way that is going to happen or even come close.

Lifeonhold

You’re are so right, and wise! Thank you for the advice. I know they feel shame, he does too. Up until this point I haven’t really had much experience with addiction except for in my place of work. My family and his are very different in that regard, and I think that’s what is hard for me. We talk about things, good, bad and the ugly. Whether about alcoholism or not his family doesnt talk about much. They are very conservative Christians, neither of his parents even drink. So for them I’m sure it is a big deal. The relationship at this point isn’t even recognizable to me. I know I can’t save him. And I think I am going down with him. He likes to say things with no actions. Saying he would love to travel or saving ‘x’ amount of dollars, wants to move to a new city. And when the opportunity is available he says no. He just wants to be alone. I think it is time to leave. I want a partner that is adventurous, and trustworthy and someone that I can communicate with. It’s like a shell of his old self. And I don’t think I can get back there. It’s like he is two different people. It’s hard not to blame myself in this process. If maybe I had done things differently he wouldn’t be like this. It’s really hard not to think that. But I know I’ didn’t cause it. He has been drinking for most of the relationship in the beginning but I believe I was a new distraction for him and a new addiction. When he had his blow box on, it was more controlled and he couldn’t drink as often. As soon as it was off, he started drinking and driving. Something he swore he would never do after all he had learned from getting his DUI. So I just can never trust anymore. The amount of times he lied to me about drinking I’ve lost count. Thank you for listening to me rant all of this!

Lifeonhold

I was the one to get his family involved. He begged me not to tell his family about his drinking. But honestly I was so at a loss of what to do at that time. He had been drinking drink everywhere and lying to me constantly. Later when he sobered up that evening a year ago he told me he wanted to protect his habit and keep drinking. He never wanted to stop is the thing. I made him, his family made him. Ultimatums were made which I am learning are not helpful. Since that day when I called his family, he has never treated me the same. I broke his trust essentially. I don’t know if he still resents me, or if that is why he won’t talk to me about things but boy is it confusing. The alternative was he would kill me, himself or someone else driving. I believe he could still have been drinking this whole time. I have no clue, his family has suspected it, but haven’t found anything. So I guess this is just it. This is as good as it gets. It just makes me want to cry. He his so different to me now.

Zevin

I’m very sorry for the pain you are in! However, leaving him now will save you SO SO SO much heartbreak In the future.