DiggingForFire

Hi all. I see a lot of new people since I was active in 2018 and 2019 so maybe you don’t know me. I’m two years out from divorcing my AH. I left after a health situation forced him to admit his alcoholism, the extent of which I didn’t totally get before that. He was awful to me for years and when the health crisis hit, I saw him through the immediate aftermath and then got him into rehab and it was over.

We have a small child. At first he had about 30% custody, but I found out he was drinking with her, and I had a hard and scary fight to get full custody and alcohol monitoring of him I have posted about. But I still see him one or two times a week when he drops kid off.

He has cirrhosis, which I have understood for a while now would kill him. He has stopped drinking on and off but never has done the work, and it seems like his body is done. He’s yellow like before his first big health crash, very swollen with ascites, so bad his face is puffier every time I see him and I can barely see his eyes. The list goes on.

I told someone the other day that it’s OK to get the divorce even if you still feel like you are kicking someone when they are down because you can’t stop them anyway, and you have to focus on taking care of you. And I took my own advice and I am so glad I did, because I know he’d have spent the last two years making me desperately miserable and being $hitty to our kid, who he was starting to be mean to when I left him (a lot of the reason I did it). But I feel so guilty that he is so far gone and his own family won’t even scrape him off the floor anymore. It isn’t my fault. But I could have made the end less terrible for him. It would have been wrong for me and wrong for the kid, but it feels so wrong to watch someone I married lose absolutely everything. Even if he did it to himself.

I know this isn’t unique. Down to the squalor he’s living in and trying to hide. It helps immensely to know this is a common story (Sasha’s posts I have often seen my future in). But it makes me sad and I can feel the pull of the fixer in me wanting to be able to do something, knowing I can’t and shouldn’t and need to care for my kids.

Anyway. Let me serve as the cautionary tale to all those who wonder if they should go ahead and marry the alcoholic in their lives, or give him another shot, etc. It’s a hell of a way to watch someone die.

sotired77

It was me that you gave the amazing advice to. I have to thank you so much for it. I really took it to heart and it helped me immensely. A friend of mine told me not to feel guilty. He said, “You wouldn’t feel guilty if he had stage 4 cancer and there’s nothing you would be able to do for him”. It’s the same situation. He’s dying, just like if he had terminal cancer. And there’s nothing you can do about it. You can feel compassion and sadness. That’s normal. He has a terrible disease and you were smart enough not to let this disease spread to you and your child. You are a kind person with a good heart. Your daughter is lucky to have you!

Bekindalways

Good to hear from you Digging. I know you have been through hell over this and fought to protect kid.

Yep, I can so get wanting to get in and fix XA's life or maybe even make it slightly less horrible. Unfortunately (as you seem to know) the very slight difference you could make for him would cost you and kid hugely. Sounds like his family knows that he probably won't make it.

Watching your qualifier headed for death has to bring the weirdest mix of emotions; I would think sadness and relief would be prominent but probably many other not fun feelings.

Ugh. Just. Ugh. I hope you can continue to surf all the "fix him" urges and focus on yourself and your kid.

Have a big electronic hug for whatever it is worth.

DiggingForFire

Thank you. Yes, I definitely have mixed emotions. Of course I don’t want anyone to go through what he is going through, but there’s no question in my life will get a lot easier if and when he’s not in it. I’m sure I will cry, but it will be for the whole situation.

He is even now fighting me on whether it’s safe for the kids to spend the night with him. Insane.

But yes, I am not going to get involved beyond dealing with the kid stuff. And whether or not he would be in a somewhat different position if I had decided to sacrifice myself to his disease, the bottom line is at this point there’s very little I could do anyway. I have a hard time even speaking to him, I certainly am not going to volunteer myself to ease him off this mortal coil. I just need to listen to and acknowledge the parts of me that feel bad about the situation, and accept I have those feelings, and continue to do what is right for me and my kids.

Bekindalways

This ^^^^^^ makes a lot of sense. I suppose what you describe above is what recovering alcoholics call "urge surfing" but we, friends and family, can do it when we want to fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed . . . irk . . . it is so bloody difficult.

Courage to you lady.

DiggingForFire

Hi all. Thank you for your kind and thoughtful responses.

I was not wrong. He’s been in the ICU now for several days. Found unconscious after a GI bleed. Now in kidney failure and heart failure as well as liver failure. He is no longer on a ventilator but was for several days and he’s still in bad condition. My morbid research tells me he has a pretty slim chance of surviving this hospitalization. He left me as his decision maker so I am the one they called for permission to intubate and again to start dialysis.

The kid seems ok but doesn’t know how serious it is. Without really knowing the outcome I don’t want to burden her with tbe possibility he won’t make it. She can’t see or talk to him anyway. So I wait to hear that once again he is defying the odds and going home, or for terrible news I will have to tell my five year old. The saddest thing is that I don’t think she will be that deeply upset for long. She’s glad not to have to see him right now. She barely reacted to him being hospitalized. She will lose him physically soon but she lost the chance to have a good, present father a long time ago.

Nd819

I'm sorry Digging, it is so hard to watch someone throw their life away in this manner. It is something I will never understand. I know the guilt you felt but I am so glad that your daughter did not have to witness her father going down hill like this. Hopefully you will have peace. Hugs to you.

Seren

I just so sorry you and your child are having to go through this, and that your ex-husband has not found his way to real and lasting sobriety. It's heartbreaking to realize that someone would do this to themselves. Sending prayers for strength and peace.

Bekindalways

Heya Digging, let us know how you and kid get on.

Such a weird time when the end seems on its way for a qualifier. I imagine you have a strange smorgasbord of feelings about the situation.

Courage to you and please check in.