Dreamsdeferred

Yesterday, we went to court to find out how much my AH has to pay in child support to a Thirteen year old he's never shared with me he fathered. In our couples counseling session the day prior to our court appearance, I expressed my ambivalence about this surprise addition to our home. He became hostile. And accused me of being unsupportive and threatened to divorce me.

I then find out from a friend that works with him that he was served papers. He, of course, denied this but wanted to know who told me. I said if it's not true then why does it matter. Now I'm getting the silent treatment.

I am fed up with him. Thank God for Al-anon and here. I'd feel like I was losing my mind. If men are from mars and women from venus...then he's from a planet we haven't discovered yet. We've only been married three years with no children and I am ready to call it quits. He refuses to get help with his addiction and doesn't have a repentent bone in his body. I believe I should just get it over with and divorce him.

Can someone tell me how to call it quits?

melissaealy

Im sorry to hear you are going through this.I dont know how to tell you to call it quits because Im pretty much going through the same crap you are.Ive veen with my husband 11 years.Well 10 of it we just lived together.I wouldent marry him because of this problem so I left for 6 months and he quiet drinking so I married him.Here I am a year later and its started again.Hes been doing this again for about 6 months and its driveing me insane.Just know you are not alone and I well keep you in my prayers.

fancy

I won't even begin to pretend I understand about having an A husband. The A in my life is my son. I do know though, after being married for 23 years..marriage is tough even with a stand up kind of guy.
I can't imagine what you must be feeling with your husband not sharing the news that he was the father of a 13 year old. That isn't something that would slip your mind.. I hate that you are going through this.
Sorry I don't know how to tell you to call it quits.

wraybear

Do you mean he was served papers at work, to appear in court for the child support, so he actually told you two lies instead of one? In the addicts mind, he probably thinks since it was all related, he only told you one BIG lie, instead of several small ones. So, you shouldn't be AS upset with him... see how crazy this illness can get????????? It would be a tad bit thoughtful of him to sit down with you and explain why he didn't tell you, and answer your other questions about his child. But, then he might have to admit he made a mistake or something.

I can't tell you how to call it quits, but i can tell you addicts who are using are LIARS... so if you choose to stay and he continues to use, get used to it and don't have any expectations. Most of us that live with active A's have learned, many of us after 10 or 15 years of the lies, to do everything ourselves. We can depend/count on our A's for pretty much nothing. So, if your looking for a way to call it quits, maybe thinking about having to live like this for the rest of your life will help you make a decision. Or, you could learn to accept him as he is and learn to live with him?!?!?!? Doesn't sound very appealing right now though.

Happiness to you in whatever you choose.

Dreamsdeferred

Thanks all for your thoughtful responses. After reading them, I felt a real comfort. I know I have alot to think about. Its wonderful being able to say them out loud.

ludicrous

As my wife and I agree -- can't trust a liar, got no use for a liar, and never ever lie to your spouse.