echika

Dear members:
This is me returning to the forum, safe haven, I would say. I want to say, when I need to educate or mitigate my pain, I always read the forum, even I could not actively respond to the threads. Therefore, thank you for everyone.

I am 43 years old female, Asian live outside of the U.S, in my own country we do not have this kind of advanced support system I guess specially in online. I was living with active alcoholic boyfriend in last 8 months exclusively by renting apartment together. But until then we were on and off from 2015 through late 2019. Ups and downs. I did a little math here. From December 2015 through August 15 2020, we have been together. Precise days we had together from these years were exactly 465 days, which means I was in love with him insanely, always wanted to be with him, no matter what. I am still in love guess even I haven't seen him last Saturday.
He does not work steadily, but since November after his work was finished due to the business failure/he used to work for his friend's company/ his drinking increased almost daily base until he had terrible shaky seizure prior one day withdrawal. I was there only witnessed in the midnight. Since then, I understood, I was enabler, serious codie myself to him. So, I took action by taking him to detox treatment and 4C Minnesota model recovery program for 21 days inpatient from January 9-29 , 2020. After the recovery treatment he was sober 40 days almost then relapsed. Since then his drinking days increased from 21 to 30 days until July 29, 2020 his third seizure after alcohol withdrawal within 48 hours. I was terrified again and took him emergency room....
Since then he did not drink. However, I have my own problem, I left, because last Friday night some woman called him, he did not tell me who she is and why she called, he basically said, it does manner to me. The other day, he also deliberately mentioned his old girlfriend's name to make me jealous or I dont know. I have been always so jealous to him for nothing, I am sure this time it was nothing but I stormed out that night with my own stuffs. Every time he exceedingly drunk and had some behavior, I tried to break up, but after mostly 5 days I returned to him. It happened 3 times before. So now he thinks it may be another episode of the my leave/comeback drama. However, last week's episode based on pure momentum jealousy that triggered me to leave him.
But deep down, I guess my hurts or disappointments pent up over the years, now I do not have the urge to go back to him, even I miss him.
I really want to let him go and move on. Please share your insights and advises to me. I really need your help.
Thanks.Echo

LumenandNyx

Hi,

It looks to me like you need to let go of him as much as he needs to let go of alcohol. You both have unhealthy relationships and it's never easy to end a relationship that has captured our emotions.

Try to distract yourself by focusing on rebuilding your own life without him. Do those things that fulfill you. Rediscover them....That might take the sharpness out of the pain.

Seren

Oh, Echo, it sounds like an exhausting relationship. I'm sorry to read about it. Really, what do you want for your life and for a romantic relationship. It sounds like he is not providing that for you. Unfortunately, words are just words, and actions are what really matter. Can you take some time and think about why you so desperately want to be with someone when it sounds like neither of you are really happy.

echika

Thank you so much dear LumenandNyx, for your kind response and advise. You said what i need and true. Emotions....

echika

Dear Seren,
I really appreciate your kind reply with insights. I need sometime, last five years were like so emotional, all I think and dream was about him. Night and day, I only wanted him, but his drinking gotten worse year by year, month by month. I am so scared, what if he die while he is having seizing? so many things....