Single mother of infant, father is an alcoholic
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Single mother of infant, father is an alcoholic
I have posted here before, when I was pregnant. My ex boyfriend who is an alcoholic got me pregnant while we weren’t together, and when I told him I was pregnant he freaked out and wanted nothing to do with it. Said all kinds of horrible things to me, including offering to pay for an abortion. We did not talk for a couple of months then he started contacting me apologizing . Begging for another chance to work things out. We tried for a couple of months but bottom line he was not living up to his empty promises and we got into an argument and he just left my apartment...we haven’t spoken since January. My son was born 6 weeks ago. I haven’t contacted my ex nor has he contacted me. He has to know by now that the baby is here. I refuse to contact him when he left us and he is the one that messed everything up. My mind is blown as to why he doesn’t care about us and how he can just walk away from us both. I know he is still very active in his addiction. He also has a 9 year old daughter from a previous relationship. He pays child support to her mother but the visits with his daughter consist of him drinking in his room w her while she plays video games. I don’t want that for my son. Still hard to not wish things were different. Do you guys think I should contact him or just let it be? I have mixed feelings about it.
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Hi Misst33,
Congrats on the beautiful healthy baby. Hopefully the two of you are doing good? I would contact him let him him know that his child has been born and that he is doing good. From the looks of it he dosent want to be another father. Since he hasn't talk since Jan to see how you are doing. He still needs to support his child. He helped start this beautiful life he can't just abandon it. While you may not a active alcoholic in you life. There are still requirements he must fulfill to his child. I would get these proceedings started. I hope you have a great day and keep being strong.
Congrats on the beautiful healthy baby. Hopefully the two of you are doing good? I would contact him let him him know that his child has been born and that he is doing good. From the looks of it he dosent want to be another father. Since he hasn't talk since Jan to see how you are doing. He still needs to support his child. He helped start this beautiful life he can't just abandon it. While you may not a active alcoholic in you life. There are still requirements he must fulfill to his child. I would get these proceedings started. I hope you have a great day and keep being strong.
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The child deserves the financial support the father can provide. That's a matter taken up in court, if you want to.
Years ago, I met a woman whose child's father was a really bad person. (abusive, no respect for the law, etc,) She had filed for child support, he was fighting her, and she realized she didn't want her son to have anything to do with him. She presented her soon-to-be-ex-husband with an offer: she'd drop the child support if he signed away his right to see the child. He was cheap enough to agree. She raised her son alone until her marriage a few years later,
Having said this, know that in most states in the US, if you apply for welfare / WIC / other governmental support, the government will try to extract money from the father of the child, and lying about not knowing who he is would be a crime. Many states have reciprocal agreements: my late husband thought he was going to reconcile with his wife. He found out otherwise when Uncle Sam came after him for child support when she filed for welfare. You may be able to finesse this by telling Ex in a sincere tone, "Look, I just need some help financially. I know you have your hands full with your daughter. I don't expect anything else."
Years ago, I met a woman whose child's father was a really bad person. (abusive, no respect for the law, etc,) She had filed for child support, he was fighting her, and she realized she didn't want her son to have anything to do with him. She presented her soon-to-be-ex-husband with an offer: she'd drop the child support if he signed away his right to see the child. He was cheap enough to agree. She raised her son alone until her marriage a few years later,
Having said this, know that in most states in the US, if you apply for welfare / WIC / other governmental support, the government will try to extract money from the father of the child, and lying about not knowing who he is would be a crime. Many states have reciprocal agreements: my late husband thought he was going to reconcile with his wife. He found out otherwise when Uncle Sam came after him for child support when she filed for welfare. You may be able to finesse this by telling Ex in a sincere tone, "Look, I just need some help financially. I know you have your hands full with your daughter. I don't expect anything else."
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I think before you make a decision, you really need to examine your motives for contacting him, should you go that way. And you need to get painfully honest with yourself here, because it's an emotional issue and an emotional time for you.
If you are contacting him in the hopes that seeing his new baby will turn him into a different person, then you have to ask yourself if you are being realistic. Educating yourself about addiction should bring clarity to that question.
If you are contacting him because you truly believe that it is in the best interest of your son--whether financially or otherwise--and not a risk to your son's wellbeing (now or later), then you have your answer.
Make no assumptions about how he feels about the baby, especially not any assumptions based on YOU would feel or how you THINK he should feel. The fact that he has not contacted you is a glaring red flag. You have seen the way he engages with his daughter. You don't have to understand how a person could behave like that towards his own children in order to accept that that is how he behaves, and to decide whether that is enough for you and your son.
If you are contacting him in the hopes that seeing his new baby will turn him into a different person, then you have to ask yourself if you are being realistic. Educating yourself about addiction should bring clarity to that question.
If you are contacting him because you truly believe that it is in the best interest of your son--whether financially or otherwise--and not a risk to your son's wellbeing (now or later), then you have your answer.
Make no assumptions about how he feels about the baby, especially not any assumptions based on YOU would feel or how you THINK he should feel. The fact that he has not contacted you is a glaring red flag. You have seen the way he engages with his daughter. You don't have to understand how a person could behave like that towards his own children in order to accept that that is how he behaves, and to decide whether that is enough for you and your son.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
You don't have to understand how a person could behave like that towards his own children in order to accept that that is how he behaves, and to decide whether that is enough for you and your son.
We have read accounts here of people who have stopped drinking for months, or years, and the issues remain. Being an alcoholic doesn't exempt someone from being a first rate jackass.
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Iron will
Thank you for responding. If he wasn’t so toxic and volatile, I would seek child support. But if I do that, that will open up the door to him being able to request visitation. Although he wouldn’t take advantage of those theoretical visits in his state, I don’t want to risk it. I do agree that he should be financially responsible but I feel like it’s not worth the overall headache.
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Congratulations! I hope that, at least mostly, you and your baby are content.
I agree with the above posters. I would think long and hard before doing anything. In fact, it might be a good idea to see a therapist that deals with addictions so you can get the real inside story about what to expect.
Once you contact the Father you are inviting him in to your life, what does that look like? Is that a positive thing for you or your child? I would proceed with caution.
I agree with the above posters. I would think long and hard before doing anything. In fact, it might be a good idea to see a therapist that deals with addictions so you can get the real inside story about what to expect.
Once you contact the Father you are inviting him in to your life, what does that look like? Is that a positive thing for you or your child? I would proceed with caution.
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Hi Misst33,
I fully understand what you are saying. You don't need that in your life. I guess i was looking at it from my point of view. But I'm not an alcoholic that is volatile and toxic to a person. I'm just a dad (5 kids) and i don't act the way your XAB does. I was thinking of it as i would want to know. But he knows how to reach you. He knows that the baby had to be born by now and he doesn't care to reach out. I guess that is why i said for you to reach out to him. But if I acted the way he did, I can fully understand your not wanting to contact him. Listen to Trailmix, She has some good advice. Also know that you are strong and that you and your new baby will get through this Keep coming back here. We are here to help or just an ear that will listen.
I fully understand what you are saying. You don't need that in your life. I guess i was looking at it from my point of view. But I'm not an alcoholic that is volatile and toxic to a person. I'm just a dad (5 kids) and i don't act the way your XAB does. I was thinking of it as i would want to know. But he knows how to reach you. He knows that the baby had to be born by now and he doesn't care to reach out. I guess that is why i said for you to reach out to him. But if I acted the way he did, I can fully understand your not wanting to contact him. Listen to Trailmix, She has some good advice. Also know that you are strong and that you and your new baby will get through this Keep coming back here. We are here to help or just an ear that will listen.
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Velma929
I do agree that my child deserves financial support from the “father”-but if I do seek child support that would give him the right to request visitation which I want to avoid. As far as applying for assistance , for the most part I barely make too much to qualify. Thankfully I have a decent job , and help from my parents where they can. I am grateful and blessed for what I have.
I do agree that my child deserves financial support from the “father”-but if I do seek child support that would give him the right to request visitation which I want to avoid. As far as applying for assistance , for the most part I barely make too much to qualify. Thankfully I have a decent job , and help from my parents where they can. I am grateful and blessed for what I have.
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Sparklekitty
what you said really hit home for me. You are correct that I should reevaluate my motives for considering contacting him and I shouldn’t base anything off of what I would feel or do or what he “should” do ...I do just need to accept and not seek to understand the “why”....he is definitely not good enough for me or my son. You are such a big help
what you said really hit home for me. You are correct that I should reevaluate my motives for considering contacting him and I shouldn’t base anything off of what I would feel or do or what he “should” do ...I do just need to accept and not seek to understand the “why”....he is definitely not good enough for me or my son. You are such a big help
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Iron will part 2
thank you. I appreciate your kind words. 5 kids wow! I think all of you have good advice and I will come back . The feedback is always so valuable. Your kids are lucky to have a dedicated father
thank you. I appreciate your kind words. 5 kids wow! I think all of you have good advice and I will come back . The feedback is always so valuable. Your kids are lucky to have a dedicated father
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Trail mix - thank you for the congratulations! I do currently see a therapist, she advises me to not contact him whatsoever and to accept that he is the way he is and to move on with my life. I don’t necessarily think inviting him into our lives would necessarily be a positive. I just have conflicting emotions. My son and I are doing well thank goodness. Probably best to not rock the boat
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Your assumption that visitation is dependent on child support paid is mistaken. They are entirely separate issues. He can request visitation if he makes no money and pays nothing. It doesn't sound like he will, but legally, he can. Non-custodial parents don't *pay to see their children.* They have that right, even thousands of dollars in arrears.
I do understand basic human nature. If your meaning is, if you ignore him, he'll probably disappear, you're probably right. It sounds like you will be better off.
Good luck.
I do understand basic human nature. If your meaning is, if you ignore him, he'll probably disappear, you're probably right. It sounds like you will be better off.
Good luck.
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Velma929
my point was, if I go through the motions of establishing paternity legally and seeking child support, it will be much easier for him to request visitation. The only way he could now is if he went through the courts to order that I comply with a DNA test , and at that point he’d be on the hook to pay which I’m sure he doesn’t want. I highly doubt he’d go through the motions to legally prove this child is his in order to seek visitation
my point was, if I go through the motions of establishing paternity legally and seeking child support, it will be much easier for him to request visitation. The only way he could now is if he went through the courts to order that I comply with a DNA test , and at that point he’d be on the hook to pay which I’m sure he doesn’t want. I highly doubt he’d go through the motions to legally prove this child is his in order to seek visitation
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