Tyranny of weakness
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Tyranny of weakness
I was at the psychologist today. We talked about the guilt I am feeling about divorcing someone who is not in their right mind. She said
beware of the the tyranny of weakness
She said be careful that he doesn't use his weaknesses:
I don't have any money
I'm not well
I'll be homeless if we have to sell the house
etc
to get me to do what he wants (ie drop the divorce)
He is using his weakness to beat me into submission.
Well, that gives me a lot to think about ......
beware of the the tyranny of weakness
She said be careful that he doesn't use his weaknesses:
I don't have any money
I'm not well
I'll be homeless if we have to sell the house
etc
to get me to do what he wants (ie drop the divorce)
He is using his weakness to beat me into submission.
Well, that gives me a lot to think about ......
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
She makes a good point, which we have touched on here quite a bit.
Now you have an opinion from someone who probably doesn't even know your whole story, who can see it for what it is. Someone who's life's work centers around helping people with mental problems.
Also, when you ponder it, maybe don't think "he doesn't want "the divorce" the truth is, he wants you to walk away with nothing. No house sale. That's different.
Also his reasoning:
I don't have any money
I'm not well
I'll be homeless if we have to sell the house
That's not true. Once the house and land are sold he will have money and he can rent an apartment, just like you did. If he really needs help, your Son or even you can help him find an apartment!
There is also a plethora of agencies to help him, besides AA! He can visit a psychiatrist, if he is struggling with mental health, there is help available.
You not selling the little drug den is not going to fix him and it isn't going to help him and most importantly, it isn't going to help your children.
Now you have an opinion from someone who probably doesn't even know your whole story, who can see it for what it is. Someone who's life's work centers around helping people with mental problems.
Also, when you ponder it, maybe don't think "he doesn't want "the divorce" the truth is, he wants you to walk away with nothing. No house sale. That's different.
Also his reasoning:
I don't have any money
I'm not well
I'll be homeless if we have to sell the house
That's not true. Once the house and land are sold he will have money and he can rent an apartment, just like you did. If he really needs help, your Son or even you can help him find an apartment!
There is also a plethora of agencies to help him, besides AA! He can visit a psychiatrist, if he is struggling with mental health, there is help available.
You not selling the little drug den is not going to fix him and it isn't going to help him and most importantly, it isn't going to help your children.
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I know that all the things he says are untrue .... I'll be homeless etc..... I'm also going ahead with the divorce .... that is in process now .... he has until the end of next week to contest it .... it is happening ..... I'm not going to change my mind on that
BUT I still feel guilty about it. I do fall for his "poor me" and I feel terribly, terribly guilty. He pulls my heart strings.
What the pschologist said today is helping me to see things from a different perspective. She also told me not to doubt myself. I know the divorce is the only way forward. I know I am doing the right thing.
My struggle is the feelings of guilt but now I know he may using his weaknesses to manipulate me into feeling guilty, I might be able to work on feeling a bit stronger in myself as we move forward.
Actually, the pschologist told me to "own my power". She said I'm going to need it.
BUT I still feel guilty about it. I do fall for his "poor me" and I feel terribly, terribly guilty. He pulls my heart strings.
What the pschologist said today is helping me to see things from a different perspective. She also told me not to doubt myself. I know the divorce is the only way forward. I know I am doing the right thing.
My struggle is the feelings of guilt but now I know he may using his weaknesses to manipulate me into feeling guilty, I might be able to work on feeling a bit stronger in myself as we move forward.
Actually, the pschologist told me to "own my power". She said I'm going to need it.
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it sounds quite similar to playing victim and using drastic threats of self-harm if the other party does not immediately comply. it's also a complete abdication of ANY personal responsibility for one's own life and circumstance. it is designed to hold the other person hostage.
I don't have any money - and why is that? no job? get one. poor money management? debt? there are thousands of books out there about how to get out from under.
I'm not well - then...........GET well. seek medical help. adopt a healthy lifestyle. quit drinking. quit drugs. develop a holistic, spiritual approach to life.
I'll be homeless if we have to sell the house - and why is that? if it's because of 1 or 2 above, then see 1 or 2 above!!!
YOU are not responsible for HIM. you were not put on this earth to be in charge of another adult's life and living circumstances. he is exactly where HE is by the sum total of the consequences of the choices he made.
as am i. and are you. (i am of course referring to those in a free/first world country, not those who are being bombed out of their homes, villages, countries - nor am i talking about vulnerable populations, minor children, etc).
when people play helpless, weak, victim-y and others BUY INTO IT, it only serves to reinforce that behavior. if every time THEY say they CAN'T (which actually means they WON'T) and somebody else comes to the rescue and does FOR them, it only serves to reinforce the behavior. we enable them to be dependent upon us. we TEACH them to be dependent upon us.
which means........sigh........we have to look at.....ourselves. again.
WHY do we feel guilty? and is it really guilt we feel, or the tug and pull to go FIX stuff, stuff that isn't our stuff. and are we looking to avoid our own stuff because we're too busy doing stuff for others that they are perfectly capable of doing for themselves?
I don't have any money - and why is that? no job? get one. poor money management? debt? there are thousands of books out there about how to get out from under.
I'm not well - then...........GET well. seek medical help. adopt a healthy lifestyle. quit drinking. quit drugs. develop a holistic, spiritual approach to life.
I'll be homeless if we have to sell the house - and why is that? if it's because of 1 or 2 above, then see 1 or 2 above!!!
YOU are not responsible for HIM. you were not put on this earth to be in charge of another adult's life and living circumstances. he is exactly where HE is by the sum total of the consequences of the choices he made.
as am i. and are you. (i am of course referring to those in a free/first world country, not those who are being bombed out of their homes, villages, countries - nor am i talking about vulnerable populations, minor children, etc).
when people play helpless, weak, victim-y and others BUY INTO IT, it only serves to reinforce that behavior. if every time THEY say they CAN'T (which actually means they WON'T) and somebody else comes to the rescue and does FOR them, it only serves to reinforce the behavior. we enable them to be dependent upon us. we TEACH them to be dependent upon us.
which means........sigh........we have to look at.....ourselves. again.
WHY do we feel guilty? and is it really guilt we feel, or the tug and pull to go FIX stuff, stuff that isn't our stuff. and are we looking to avoid our own stuff because we're too busy doing stuff for others that they are perfectly capable of doing for themselves?
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Amaranth......it is a normal human response to feel sympathy and empathy when we see others suffering....at least, to some degree....
We would all be sociopaths if we didn't have that ability within us....
I think that when we feel that empathy...we immediately label it as guilt. Maybe, that is because some of us bring that "guilty for everything" baggage with us from our early upbringing....
If we did not cause the suffering...then, we shouldn't wear the mantle of guilt....as an over-reaction to our empathy....
Perhaps, it would be a good practice to work on the negative self talk...every time you feel a wave of "guilt"....say to yourself---"I feel sympathy, but, I am not responsible"...…..
We would all be sociopaths if we didn't have that ability within us....
I think that when we feel that empathy...we immediately label it as guilt. Maybe, that is because some of us bring that "guilty for everything" baggage with us from our early upbringing....
If we did not cause the suffering...then, we shouldn't wear the mantle of guilt....as an over-reaction to our empathy....
Perhaps, it would be a good practice to work on the negative self talk...every time you feel a wave of "guilt"....say to yourself---"I feel sympathy, but, I am not responsible"...…..
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
I totally get feeling compassion for him and even sympathy. I have a great deal of compassion for people with mental illness and yes, he is mentally unwell. I had to take some time to think about all of this after your last post, because I really do have that compassion for people that are mentally unwell.
I also completely get not wanting to "throw him out on the street" as it were - I wouldn't do that either IF there was genuinely no other avenue.
Did his Father not give him money last year to start some business? How is the business going? Perhaps instead of that he should have used that money to buy you out of the property (secure a mortgage)? He has made no effort to buy you out, even in installments and he pays no rent for your portion of the property.
I went back and read some of your other threads:
This IS the reality, not your Husband having a mental melt down on the street because you are so evil. Not keeping the house "for the kids".
So yes, I get the sympathy for him, but I also see the reality. If he wasn't hurting you, himself and your children, I might have a completely different view of all this. I don't have some cold hardened heart (which I'm sure you must wonder about all of us sometimes Amaranth). The psych didn't actually tell you anything that hasn't been said in your threads before many times, but I suspect with so many going against your fear here that you aren't really hearing it anymore.
I understand that as well, I really do.
If things were different, if he was hurting no one, if your children were being well cared for by him (or cared for at all, I suspect it's the other way around), if he could see your side of this coin and was trying to be supportive to you as well, if he was caring for your property even - my comments would probably be more like, perhaps you can wait a year or two (or 10 if he is paying you rent), if financially viable, to see if he can get a mortgage, maybe even with the help of the children and then perhaps buy you out
That's not the case at all and you can't pretty up what he is doing. The stories you hear about what is going on there are just the tip of the iceberg. He can be left to whatever he wants to do but what about your children. You actually don't deserve abuse from him but that is all you are getting, mental illness or not, that is no reason to take it out on you, it just isn't. Even if he continues to drink and take the suspect pills he is ordering online, that doesn't give him a ticket for abuse (of all of you and your property).
I also completely get not wanting to "throw him out on the street" as it were - I wouldn't do that either IF there was genuinely no other avenue.
Did his Father not give him money last year to start some business? How is the business going? Perhaps instead of that he should have used that money to buy you out of the property (secure a mortgage)? He has made no effort to buy you out, even in installments and he pays no rent for your portion of the property.
I went back and read some of your other threads:
The friends came back to me with a lot of feedback. They are young, 20, but they were quite shocked by events at the house. My husband did not go on the exotic holiday with his dead girlfriend's daughter. Instead she came to stay with him for several weeks and they got totally wasted together to the point that our young visitor felt very uncomfortable and said it was "inappropriate." Sometimes he doesn't come back for days on end and another night brought back a drunk woman. My son was working in the morning and asked them to keep the noise down so he could sleep and she told him to f*** off, it's your dad's house he can do what he likes. Charming.
So yes, I get the sympathy for him, but I also see the reality. If he wasn't hurting you, himself and your children, I might have a completely different view of all this. I don't have some cold hardened heart (which I'm sure you must wonder about all of us sometimes Amaranth). The psych didn't actually tell you anything that hasn't been said in your threads before many times, but I suspect with so many going against your fear here that you aren't really hearing it anymore.
I understand that as well, I really do.
If things were different, if he was hurting no one, if your children were being well cared for by him (or cared for at all, I suspect it's the other way around), if he could see your side of this coin and was trying to be supportive to you as well, if he was caring for your property even - my comments would probably be more like, perhaps you can wait a year or two (or 10 if he is paying you rent), if financially viable, to see if he can get a mortgage, maybe even with the help of the children and then perhaps buy you out
That's not the case at all and you can't pretty up what he is doing. The stories you hear about what is going on there are just the tip of the iceberg. He can be left to whatever he wants to do but what about your children. You actually don't deserve abuse from him but that is all you are getting, mental illness or not, that is no reason to take it out on you, it just isn't. Even if he continues to drink and take the suspect pills he is ordering online, that doesn't give him a ticket for abuse (of all of you and your property).
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Location: Boston
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Wide view: by taking care of yourself and doing the RIGHT thing (not the easy same ol same ol thing) you are setting the stage for your own liberation and for him to seek actual help for himself if he chooses. If you had decided to continue enabling him you would instead be tying both of you to boulders at the bottom of an unchanging ocean of pain.
I admire your courage. Keep going one step at a time. (((((hugs))))
B.
I admire your courage. Keep going one step at a time. (((((hugs))))
B.
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
Originally Posted by trailmix 
I totally get feeling compassion for him and even sympathy. I have a great deal of compassion for people with mental illness and yes, he is mentally unwell. I had to take some time to think about all of this after your last post, because I really do have that compassion for people that are mentally unwell.
I also completely get not wanting to "throw him out on the street" as it were - I wouldn't do that either IF there was genuinely no other avenue.
Did his Father not give him money last year to start some business? How is the business going? Perhaps instead of that he should have used that money to buy you out of the property (secure a mortgage)? He has made no effort to buy you out, even in installments and he pays no rent for your portion of the property.
I went back and read some of your other threads:
This IS the reality, not your Husband having a mental melt down on the street because you are so evil. Not keeping the house "for the kids".
So yes, I get the sympathy for him, but I also see the reality. If he wasn't hurting you, himself and your children, I might have a completely different view of all this. I don't have some cold hardened heart (which I'm sure you must wonder about all of us sometimes Amaranth). The psych didn't actually tell you anything that hasn't been said in your threads before many times, but I suspect with so many going against your fear here that you aren't really hearing it anymore.
I understand that as well, I really do.
If things were different, if he was hurting no one, if your children were being well cared for by him (or cared for at all, I suspect it's the other way around), if he could see your side of this coin and was trying to be supportive to you as well, if he was caring for your property even - my comments would probably be more like, perhaps you can wait a year or two (or 10 if he is paying you rent), if financially viable, to see if he can get a mortgage, maybe even with the help of the children and then perhaps buy you out
That's not the case at all and you can't pretty up what he is doing. The stories you hear about what is going on there are just the tip of the iceberg. He can be left to whatever he wants to do but what about your children. You actually don't deserve abuse from him but that is all you are getting, mental illness or not, that is no reason to take it out on you, it just isn't. Even if he continues to drink and take the suspect pills he is ordering online, that doesn't give him a ticket for abuse (of all of you and your property).
I also completely get not wanting to "throw him out on the street" as it were - I wouldn't do that either IF there was genuinely no other avenue.
Did his Father not give him money last year to start some business? How is the business going? Perhaps instead of that he should have used that money to buy you out of the property (secure a mortgage)? He has made no effort to buy you out, even in installments and he pays no rent for your portion of the property.
I went back and read some of your other threads:
This IS the reality, not your Husband having a mental melt down on the street because you are so evil. Not keeping the house "for the kids".
So yes, I get the sympathy for him, but I also see the reality. If he wasn't hurting you, himself and your children, I might have a completely different view of all this. I don't have some cold hardened heart (which I'm sure you must wonder about all of us sometimes Amaranth). The psych didn't actually tell you anything that hasn't been said in your threads before many times, but I suspect with so many going against your fear here that you aren't really hearing it anymore.
I understand that as well, I really do.
If things were different, if he was hurting no one, if your children were being well cared for by him (or cared for at all, I suspect it's the other way around), if he could see your side of this coin and was trying to be supportive to you as well, if he was caring for your property even - my comments would probably be more like, perhaps you can wait a year or two (or 10 if he is paying you rent), if financially viable, to see if he can get a mortgage, maybe even with the help of the children and then perhaps buy you out
That's not the case at all and you can't pretty up what he is doing. The stories you hear about what is going on there are just the tip of the iceberg. He can be left to whatever he wants to do but what about your children. You actually don't deserve abuse from him but that is all you are getting, mental illness or not, that is no reason to take it out on you, it just isn't. Even if he continues to drink and take the suspect pills he is ordering online, that doesn't give him a ticket for abuse (of all of you and your property).
I posted this in a new thread to purposefully take it away from "my story" because I thought it might be useful to others, wether they are interested in my particular tale of woe or not. I found the phrase that the psychologist used (tyranny of weakness) really useful.
I do listen to what you and others say here and I am aware that some of you have repeated yourselves many times and that I still go round and round in the same circles. I'm so very grateful to you for your kindness and support and I imagine sometimes I make you just want to scream.
At the same time that I have been going round in emotional circles (for so very long) I have also left my husband, come through a period of serious illness, sorted out somewhere to live, regained my strength and got back to work, got my son into college and organised accomodation and funding for him, filed for divorce etc.
I am doing all the right things. I know they are the right things to do.
I also know that my husband has treated me very badly and his behaviour is hurting the kids. He can't see my side of the coin ans has show absolutely no compassion towards me. That doesn't make me want to hurt him. I don't want him to hurt and he is hurting, very much so. It's horrible to watch him deteriorate as a result of his own choices. Horrible for me, horrible for the kids. I know I can't stop it, cure it, control it etc. I know that my actions (divorcing him) although correct, are still painful for him.
I know all this on an intellectual level and I am not going to stray from my path. I will see it through to the end, regardless of how much pain my husband feels as a result.
What I am trying to change is the way I feel about it. I feel bad, I feel really cruel for "putting him through this". I am trying not feel that way. I already paused the divorce process in July because the timing seemed so callous, just after the death of his girlfriend. I know it will never feel like a good time and I am also aware that the longer he draws it out the longer he gets to blame me and drink on that. As soon as we're divorced and it's all settled, he'll have to find someone else to blame.
I want out of the situation. It's been going on for so long now and I just want it resolved and I want to get on with my life.
Doesn't mean I feel good about this part of the process.
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So true.
Yes, you're right my frustration did shine through. Honestly, my frustration is not with you at all, it's with your STBexH. When I hear the shenanigans he gets up to - well you know!
I didn't hate either of the people I divorced, in fact I still have love for both of them to this day. Did I feel guilty. First time no, second time, yes. But that was because of my own mistakes in the way I handled it (no nothing nefarious or anything, just not done well).
Neither person deserved to be hurt, i'm definitely not - you wronged me in some way so I'll now let you see how that feels - person and I know you aren't either.
Either way, that guilt didn't stop me, but maybe that's personality type. I do feel guilt where appropriate (and sometimes not appropriate!) though, so I also understand what you are going through.
The fact is, when you break off a relationship with someone, even though your reasons might be spot on, you are, generally, going to feel guilty because you are going to hurt another person and who enjoys that or feels nothing?
Dealing with the guilt means plowing through regardless. It's not a nice feeling but you have to move through it, it will dissipate over time.
All you can really say to yourself is, I am doing the best I can under the circumstances - what else can you do? You have no other choices and that's not because you haven't tried. So why feel guilty.
You aren't actually throwing him out on the street, although that may be HIS warped perception, always remember that whatever he says to you comes from a FOG of addiction.
This is the flip side of the coin to being too enmeshed in someone's emotional wellbeing, it kind of works for you when things are chugging along but separating two people that are that enmeshed is very painful, the roles that have been there for so long are gone. All the things you DID to stay enmeshed and care for the other person are being torn apart.
So guilt results.
That's not logical. It's not logical to be that involved in another person's emotional wellbeing and it's not logical to expect there won't be a big fallout. That's part of the healing too. Really looking at that, the over involvement, how you are not actually responsible for him, that he is a grown man and absolutely must take responsibility for himself if he is ever to find his way. That's a gift to give him, not something to feel guilty about.
Yes, you're right my frustration did shine through. Honestly, my frustration is not with you at all, it's with your STBexH. When I hear the shenanigans he gets up to - well you know!
I didn't hate either of the people I divorced, in fact I still have love for both of them to this day. Did I feel guilty. First time no, second time, yes. But that was because of my own mistakes in the way I handled it (no nothing nefarious or anything, just not done well).
Neither person deserved to be hurt, i'm definitely not - you wronged me in some way so I'll now let you see how that feels - person and I know you aren't either.
Either way, that guilt didn't stop me, but maybe that's personality type. I do feel guilt where appropriate (and sometimes not appropriate!) though, so I also understand what you are going through.
The fact is, when you break off a relationship with someone, even though your reasons might be spot on, you are, generally, going to feel guilty because you are going to hurt another person and who enjoys that or feels nothing?
Dealing with the guilt means plowing through regardless. It's not a nice feeling but you have to move through it, it will dissipate over time.
All you can really say to yourself is, I am doing the best I can under the circumstances - what else can you do? You have no other choices and that's not because you haven't tried. So why feel guilty.
You aren't actually throwing him out on the street, although that may be HIS warped perception, always remember that whatever he says to you comes from a FOG of addiction.
This is the flip side of the coin to being too enmeshed in someone's emotional wellbeing, it kind of works for you when things are chugging along but separating two people that are that enmeshed is very painful, the roles that have been there for so long are gone. All the things you DID to stay enmeshed and care for the other person are being torn apart.
So guilt results.
That's not logical. It's not logical to be that involved in another person's emotional wellbeing and it's not logical to expect there won't be a big fallout. That's part of the healing too. Really looking at that, the over involvement, how you are not actually responsible for him, that he is a grown man and absolutely must take responsibility for himself if he is ever to find his way. That's a gift to give him, not something to feel guilty about.
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Have you ever thought that its not about guilt, but that you still love him and want him to get well, and want to be with him? You are just not ready to make the change? Our addicts have an addiction to drugs and alcohol and we codies have an addiction to saving our addicts....... The obsession is very powerful.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Really looking at that, the over involvement, how you are not actually responsible for him, that he is a grown man and absolutely must take responsibility for himself if he is ever to find his way. That's a gift to give him, not something to feel guilty about.
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Have you ever thought that its not about guilt, but that you still love him and want him to get well, and want to be with him? You are just not ready to make the change? Our addicts have an addiction to drugs and alcohol and we codies have an addiction to saving our addicts....... The obsession is very powerful.
Yes I do still love him, there has never been any doubt about that
Yes, I want him to get well
Do I want to be with him? No
I have made the change, I am in the last phase of completing that change which is diovorce.
If my kids were living with me and not him I might find it much easier to detach. The fact is one of my boys is living with him full time and seems to be taking on more and more responsibility, financial and emotional.
I feel guilty because this is not his job. It's not my job either but I used to make it my job and by me leaving that responsibility has ended up falling on my son.
The cracks are beginning to widen. They have been showing for a long time. I feel terrible because my son is left to deal with his dad on his own. I know he could be with me and it's his choice to stay with his dad. I don't want my son to end up having to deal with his dad's physical or mental breakdown. I just think that the added pressure that the divorce is putting on my husband may have unpleasant consequences for my son.
I'm still going ahead because I know it's the only thing I can do. Doesn't mean I feel good about it.
And if something terrible does happen that my son has to deal with?? I'll just have to deal with that when it happens. I can't stop it happening.
Yes my husband is an adult who needs to learn to be responsible for himself. My son is not a fully formed adult and I still have responsibilties towards him as his mother.
I don't think I'm obsessed. I think I'm just a mother.
Yes I do still love him, there has never been any doubt about that
Yes, I want him to get well
Do I want to be with him? No
I have made the change, I am in the last phase of completing that change which is diovorce.
If my kids were living with me and not him I might find it much easier to detach. The fact is one of my boys is living with him full time and seems to be taking on more and more responsibility, financial and emotional.
I feel guilty because this is not his job. It's not my job either but I used to make it my job and by me leaving that responsibility has ended up falling on my son.
The cracks are beginning to widen. They have been showing for a long time. I feel terrible because my son is left to deal with his dad on his own. I know he could be with me and it's his choice to stay with his dad. I don't want my son to end up having to deal with his dad's physical or mental breakdown. I just think that the added pressure that the divorce is putting on my husband may have unpleasant consequences for my son.
I'm still going ahead because I know it's the only thing I can do. Doesn't mean I feel good about it.
And if something terrible does happen that my son has to deal with?? I'll just have to deal with that when it happens. I can't stop it happening.
Yes my husband is an adult who needs to learn to be responsible for himself. My son is not a fully formed adult and I still have responsibilties towards him as his mother.
I don't think I'm obsessed. I think I'm just a mother.
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I just wanted to thank you for your share, this topic, and the lovely title!
I have been thinking about this all weekend and just having it so nicely wrapped up and given to me with a bow is so helpful when I am trying to stay grounded in the moment with it.
I have been thinking about this all weekend and just having it so nicely wrapped up and given to me with a bow is so helpful when I am trying to stay grounded in the moment with it.
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I so appreciate this thread ....! Shared with my sister who is going through similar situation. Not with an addict but with a man who has serious borderline mental health issues. He has threatened to kill himself multiple times and does things like actually sleep in parks to prove his homelessness.... But the guy ALWAYS bounces back. He's currently living in a swanky flat!
He is masterful at getting into her head with his stories about how traumatic his childhood was.....And so it's this guilt thing that is the hardest thing for her..... Grateful to read the heading "tyranny of weakness"... It's a statement I haven't heard before..... and the insightful, empowering responses on how to unpick that guilt, so helpful. She has now seperated from him and moved away thank god, but they do have a child together and they're still technically married, so she still has to deal with his woe me, pity me messages.
There's defo a fine line between caring deeply and getting taken advantage of. Thanks for the share! 🙌
He is masterful at getting into her head with his stories about how traumatic his childhood was.....And so it's this guilt thing that is the hardest thing for her..... Grateful to read the heading "tyranny of weakness"... It's a statement I haven't heard before..... and the insightful, empowering responses on how to unpick that guilt, so helpful. She has now seperated from him and moved away thank god, but they do have a child together and they're still technically married, so she still has to deal with his woe me, pity me messages.
There's defo a fine line between caring deeply and getting taken advantage of. Thanks for the share! 🙌
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What if your guilt is an obstacle for his healing? The consequences of his choices no matter how late in life its learned might very well lead to his healing. No need to feel guilty, that's just the pull of codependency rearing its ugly head and A's have mastered its use as their weapon of choice. - That got dark quickly....its been a week! Wishing you no guilt for living your life in the way you want to live it.
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