Blurred lines and incessant quacking
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
Blurred lines and incessant quacking
So X AH has gone from zero to hero recently. (As in from suicidal before Christmas to suddenly Mr Amazing) So to anyone on the outside he’s doing well. Dressing smarter. Cheerful. All I might add without any sort of recovery - oh no - he still doesn’t think he has a drink problem. And this is now confirmed to him because everyone thinks he’s amazing! Yes! He’s just got a job promotion at the golf club he’s been working Part time barwork to full time club secretary no less! 😳 how? Wtaf?
He was actually trembling when he announced this to me. He was clearly so desperate to prove me wrong! Other people value his skills and can see his worth. He gave me several examples of times he’s impressed them and why he has the job. I didn’t knock him down I congratulated him. But he’s told them he’s expert at computer admin - this is a guy who hasn’t been able to complete tax returns for the last 10 years and has fines up to his eyeballs. Someone who continues to drive around in an uninsured vehicle. I sound bitchy and I’m not I’m just aware that the previous me would have been swept up in his enthusiasm and celebrated with him thinking this is gonna be it! Now I just feel sad. He’s clearly managed to fool everyone. He talks a good talk. His CV is impressive but that was all years ago. they’ve not seen what I’ve seen. Yet.
the new found enthusiasm for his “new image” has also seen him speaking to a few people that I have fallen out with recently. A matter to do with my daughter - these people made an official complaint that they didn’t want their children to be teamed up with her as she has autism. they felt she impaired their child’s experiences at a local scout group. They took it to the top level and invented a “bullying” story to boot. I have been dealing with all this and been very upset. All is sorted now as far as their complaints went - they were not upheld at all. But I clearly do not speak to these ignorant people anymore. X AH however has been chatting to them as if nothing’s happened - offering to give their children lifts to an event and friendly favours at the school gates on his days he collects our daughter. I can’t believe he’d speak to them after the trouble they’ve caused our daughter!!! He’s usually the one falling out with people and being rude without reason!! He says he’s building bridges for our daughters sake. I think he is actually building a case for himself being the “nice guy” in public knowing these people gossip - and he’s trying to make ME look crazy and bitter because I won’t make eye contact with these small minded people. I think... he is trying to discredit me. Am I being too paranoid?
hes also been quacking at a higher level to our son. School has put on a couple of VERY expensive optional trips. Nepal. Switzerland. I can’t afford them. AH pays me little or no maintenance. But he’s going along to the meeting this week and is allowing our son to believe he can go. I have told my son I cannot afford it so if his dad is saying he can go then his dad must be paying. But I know he can’t afford it. And IF he did suddenly find the money - it will be at the expense of any maintenance he ought to be giving me?
he’s promised our son further trips to Italy. Spain. Filled his head with dreams of adventures they are going to take. The Riviera, little cookery adventures sampling the local delicacies. son has been talking about it to me - saying Dad knows all the places to go.
He took him to a pub yesterday and drank beer - when he was actually supposed to be taking son shopping for cookery items for a school project. Brought him home and I could smell it. I didn’t like to ask my son how much Dad had drank because I don’t want him to start checking and counting like I did. He drove son home. No way of me knowing if he was over the limit or not. but had I asked all I would have got would have been “so what if I had a beer?”
Son was excited they’d made a chocolate cake back at his Dads (more opportunity to drink?) and wanted me to taste it. AH beaming from ear to ear. I could SMELL booze from two meters away on his breath!!!
How can I be the crazy one that starts a fight in that situation? It’s all very manipulative and crazy.
im just lost. Every time I think I’m coping - I think I’m doing the right things by keeping our relationship friendly, he shows me more of why I shouldn’t. Yet I fear the minute I start to raise the bar. Set more boundaries. He will dig his heels in and it WILL get nasty. I am afraid he will try to take my son away mentally (ie Mum is stopping us spending time together, mum says we can’t go on holiday etc etc) and he will make life VERY difficult for me. (BTW son is 14 and worships his Dad so old enough to voice his opinions)
currently the status quo means that my son spends very little time alone with AH. AH is happy to call in to my house for very short visits. Has a coffee and leaves. This new job will mean more hours so I’m hoping we see even less of him. so I’m not sure going down a legal route or a path of resistance will be helpful? My son seems happy and is growing into a very clever and sensitive young man. I’m sure he can see through a lot of his dads lies but loves him and wants him to be ok. Idk. These are just the thoughts floating around my head. I just want him to be safe and to not be misled.
thanks for letting me off load. Still read this forum daily it is such a source of comfort 🙏🙏
He was actually trembling when he announced this to me. He was clearly so desperate to prove me wrong! Other people value his skills and can see his worth. He gave me several examples of times he’s impressed them and why he has the job. I didn’t knock him down I congratulated him. But he’s told them he’s expert at computer admin - this is a guy who hasn’t been able to complete tax returns for the last 10 years and has fines up to his eyeballs. Someone who continues to drive around in an uninsured vehicle. I sound bitchy and I’m not I’m just aware that the previous me would have been swept up in his enthusiasm and celebrated with him thinking this is gonna be it! Now I just feel sad. He’s clearly managed to fool everyone. He talks a good talk. His CV is impressive but that was all years ago. they’ve not seen what I’ve seen. Yet.
the new found enthusiasm for his “new image” has also seen him speaking to a few people that I have fallen out with recently. A matter to do with my daughter - these people made an official complaint that they didn’t want their children to be teamed up with her as she has autism. they felt she impaired their child’s experiences at a local scout group. They took it to the top level and invented a “bullying” story to boot. I have been dealing with all this and been very upset. All is sorted now as far as their complaints went - they were not upheld at all. But I clearly do not speak to these ignorant people anymore. X AH however has been chatting to them as if nothing’s happened - offering to give their children lifts to an event and friendly favours at the school gates on his days he collects our daughter. I can’t believe he’d speak to them after the trouble they’ve caused our daughter!!! He’s usually the one falling out with people and being rude without reason!! He says he’s building bridges for our daughters sake. I think he is actually building a case for himself being the “nice guy” in public knowing these people gossip - and he’s trying to make ME look crazy and bitter because I won’t make eye contact with these small minded people. I think... he is trying to discredit me. Am I being too paranoid?
hes also been quacking at a higher level to our son. School has put on a couple of VERY expensive optional trips. Nepal. Switzerland. I can’t afford them. AH pays me little or no maintenance. But he’s going along to the meeting this week and is allowing our son to believe he can go. I have told my son I cannot afford it so if his dad is saying he can go then his dad must be paying. But I know he can’t afford it. And IF he did suddenly find the money - it will be at the expense of any maintenance he ought to be giving me?
he’s promised our son further trips to Italy. Spain. Filled his head with dreams of adventures they are going to take. The Riviera, little cookery adventures sampling the local delicacies. son has been talking about it to me - saying Dad knows all the places to go.
He took him to a pub yesterday and drank beer - when he was actually supposed to be taking son shopping for cookery items for a school project. Brought him home and I could smell it. I didn’t like to ask my son how much Dad had drank because I don’t want him to start checking and counting like I did. He drove son home. No way of me knowing if he was over the limit or not. but had I asked all I would have got would have been “so what if I had a beer?”
Son was excited they’d made a chocolate cake back at his Dads (more opportunity to drink?) and wanted me to taste it. AH beaming from ear to ear. I could SMELL booze from two meters away on his breath!!!
How can I be the crazy one that starts a fight in that situation? It’s all very manipulative and crazy.
im just lost. Every time I think I’m coping - I think I’m doing the right things by keeping our relationship friendly, he shows me more of why I shouldn’t. Yet I fear the minute I start to raise the bar. Set more boundaries. He will dig his heels in and it WILL get nasty. I am afraid he will try to take my son away mentally (ie Mum is stopping us spending time together, mum says we can’t go on holiday etc etc) and he will make life VERY difficult for me. (BTW son is 14 and worships his Dad so old enough to voice his opinions)
currently the status quo means that my son spends very little time alone with AH. AH is happy to call in to my house for very short visits. Has a coffee and leaves. This new job will mean more hours so I’m hoping we see even less of him. so I’m not sure going down a legal route or a path of resistance will be helpful? My son seems happy and is growing into a very clever and sensitive young man. I’m sure he can see through a lot of his dads lies but loves him and wants him to be ok. Idk. These are just the thoughts floating around my head. I just want him to be safe and to not be misled.
thanks for letting me off load. Still read this forum daily it is such a source of comfort 🙏🙏
Last edited by RainingButtons; 01-20-2020 at 01:25 AM. Reason: Correction
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 732
He sounds like my ex. It's so infuriating isn't it? Just maintain your distance from him and keep your dignity, safe in the knowledge that eventually people will find out what he is really like, and they will x
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
He may or may not be up to all kinds of bad and possibly manipulative behavior, but honestly, you've got a lot of boundary work to do. You're all up in a lot of other people's heads. That alone will make crazy for everyone. Are you in any kind of program yourself where you can work on your focus, your own well being and your boundaries?
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Ugh. How frustrating.
All you can do with your son is explain that you cannot pay for these trips and let it go. He will see who ol dad is soon enough. You cannot protect him from that. All you can do is be there for him when the time comes and make sure he knows it's not his fault.
As far as the rest, ignore it. As you said, he will hopefully be spending less and less time with son. If he wants to chap it up with people who hurt your daughter, that's on him. If he will struggle at his new job, his problem. None of that is on you.
Sending you lots of hugs friend.
All you can do with your son is explain that you cannot pay for these trips and let it go. He will see who ol dad is soon enough. You cannot protect him from that. All you can do is be there for him when the time comes and make sure he knows it's not his fault.
As far as the rest, ignore it. As you said, he will hopefully be spending less and less time with son. If he wants to chap it up with people who hurt your daughter, that's on him. If he will struggle at his new job, his problem. None of that is on you.
Sending you lots of hugs friend.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
RainingButtons,
If your X is still an active alcoholic, I would be worried about the safety of your kids. He should not be going to a pub to get a drink with a teenager. Then driving him around. The alcoholic in him will say i can handle my self, I can have a few beers and still drive. With kids in the care it should be no drinks and mindful of their safety. I know your afraid of setting boundaries and things getting nasty, but when kids lives are at stake, you have to do what you have to do. I hope you have a good relationship with you kids that you can talk with them about how you feel. Your son is at that age where when he's at his dads there are no boundaries and he has promised things he probably can't deliver (trips). It's no wonder he worships him. The reality has not sunken in yet for him.
For some reason alcoholics are great at speaking lies and manipulating people into thinking they are the greatest thing since slice bread. I know i was manipulated many times by my AW. I had no clue, she was so go at convincing me and making me change my mind on things. Since her recover she has learned that my voice matters and to not manipulate the situation, so she gets what she wants. The people around him will eventually find out the real person he is. You can't fake computer admin stuff. It can get complicated pretty fast. I have been in the business for 15 years as a computer systems engineer and if he has problems doing online taxes that are basically point and put the numbers in. Then he will be exposed sooner then latter if he is boasting about his skills.
Take some time to get focused on what boundaries you need to set up for you to feel comfortable with your XAH to be with you kids. It's not going to be a fun talk with him. But if he cares about his kids as much as you do then he should be willing to abide by what you would like him to do. I hope you are getting help for your self also. Coming here and posting, going to AL-Anon meeting, all of this can be a real life changer for yourself.
Keep being strong for you and your kids and have a great day.
If your X is still an active alcoholic, I would be worried about the safety of your kids. He should not be going to a pub to get a drink with a teenager. Then driving him around. The alcoholic in him will say i can handle my self, I can have a few beers and still drive. With kids in the care it should be no drinks and mindful of their safety. I know your afraid of setting boundaries and things getting nasty, but when kids lives are at stake, you have to do what you have to do. I hope you have a good relationship with you kids that you can talk with them about how you feel. Your son is at that age where when he's at his dads there are no boundaries and he has promised things he probably can't deliver (trips). It's no wonder he worships him. The reality has not sunken in yet for him.
For some reason alcoholics are great at speaking lies and manipulating people into thinking they are the greatest thing since slice bread. I know i was manipulated many times by my AW. I had no clue, she was so go at convincing me and making me change my mind on things. Since her recover she has learned that my voice matters and to not manipulate the situation, so she gets what she wants. The people around him will eventually find out the real person he is. You can't fake computer admin stuff. It can get complicated pretty fast. I have been in the business for 15 years as a computer systems engineer and if he has problems doing online taxes that are basically point and put the numbers in. Then he will be exposed sooner then latter if he is boasting about his skills.
Take some time to get focused on what boundaries you need to set up for you to feel comfortable with your XAH to be with you kids. It's not going to be a fun talk with him. But if he cares about his kids as much as you do then he should be willing to abide by what you would like him to do. I hope you are getting help for your self also. Coming here and posting, going to AL-Anon meeting, all of this can be a real life changer for yourself.
Keep being strong for you and your kids and have a great day.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
RB,
Not fun having to be actively engaged with your axh, I'm sorry. Do your best to stay un-engaged with him as much as possible.
My axh used to give me his "resume" all the time justifying he couldn't be an alcoholic because he is so busy and so successful. He works game day staff for a NFL team and is on TV every weekend, so everyone wants to be his friend. So successful.... Quack quack. I also have a girl friend who exercised beyond healthy. She over exercises, to "keep" her self healthier since she can't stop smoking.
As long as you see it as quacking, most people do also. Hang in there!!
Not fun having to be actively engaged with your axh, I'm sorry. Do your best to stay un-engaged with him as much as possible.
My axh used to give me his "resume" all the time justifying he couldn't be an alcoholic because he is so busy and so successful. He works game day staff for a NFL team and is on TV every weekend, so everyone wants to be his friend. So successful.... Quack quack. I also have a girl friend who exercised beyond healthy. She over exercises, to "keep" her self healthier since she can't stop smoking.
As long as you see it as quacking, most people do also. Hang in there!!
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Before Christmas you felt you couldn’t proceed with the divorce because he was so depressed...now that he’s on an upswing, maybe this is your opportunity?
Here is a link to all your threads...
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...archid=8777233
Maybe read them all again?
Here is a link to all your threads...
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...archid=8777233
Maybe read them all again?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,648
I'm glad you are being forthright with your Son about the fact that Dad probably can't deliver on all his big talk. It has to come from you, unfortunately, because when it all falls apart he needs to know that there is someone with their head on straight, that he can rely on.
Generally, with addiction, there can be a lot of underlying self hate. The fact that your A tries to win everyone over (even those small minded people), just points to that. He cannot stand to not be liked.
The less he has to do with your children the better at this point and I do hope his new found work will have him busy.
Your fear of him reacting negatively might be something to get help with? Support from a therapist or a group like Al Anon, any face to face support you can manage. He can't actually hurt you anymore and the more distance you get, the more you build your own self-esteem, the more confident you feel will make your life so much easier.
And of course we are here too!
Generally, with addiction, there can be a lot of underlying self hate. The fact that your A tries to win everyone over (even those small minded people), just points to that. He cannot stand to not be liked.
The less he has to do with your children the better at this point and I do hope his new found work will have him busy.
Your fear of him reacting negatively might be something to get help with? Support from a therapist or a group like Al Anon, any face to face support you can manage. He can't actually hurt you anymore and the more distance you get, the more you build your own self-esteem, the more confident you feel will make your life so much easier.
And of course we are here too!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
He took him to a pub yesterday and drank beer - when he was actually supposed to be taking son shopping for cookery items for a school project. Brought him home and I could smell it. I didn’t like to ask my son how much Dad had drank because I don’t want him to start checking and counting like I did. He drove son home. No way of me knowing if he was over the limit or not. but had I asked all I would have got would have been “so what if I had a beer?”
actually it is wise for a teenager to BE observant as to how much alcohol the driver has consumed. not to be the beer police, but for personal safety. IMHO, the rule should be if the driver has consumed ANY alcohol, then do not get IN the car.
this whole "open door" policy with your AH, where he can just waltz in any time he feels like it, also sends the wrong message. he doesn't LIVE there anymore. it is not HIS home. unless this behavior is allowed with ALL visitors??
the problem with playing nice and not rocking the boat out of fear of what they MAY do, plays right into their hands and benefits THEM. he is not paying support, he has not respect for the sanctity of your home, he drinks while spending time with the son........he pretty much still gets away with whatever HE wants.
actually it is wise for a teenager to BE observant as to how much alcohol the driver has consumed. not to be the beer police, but for personal safety. IMHO, the rule should be if the driver has consumed ANY alcohol, then do not get IN the car.
this whole "open door" policy with your AH, where he can just waltz in any time he feels like it, also sends the wrong message. he doesn't LIVE there anymore. it is not HIS home. unless this behavior is allowed with ALL visitors??
the problem with playing nice and not rocking the boat out of fear of what they MAY do, plays right into their hands and benefits THEM. he is not paying support, he has not respect for the sanctity of your home, he drinks while spending time with the son........he pretty much still gets away with whatever HE wants.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,434
Good time to file for divorce as was noted above.
I would set a schedule for him to come by and stick to it if you still feel visit with kids should occur in your home, but I would rethink this and maybe step back while he’s on this likely temporary upswing.
It’s an opportunity for you to disentangle yourself that much more.
I would set a schedule for him to come by and stick to it if you still feel visit with kids should occur in your home, but I would rethink this and maybe step back while he’s on this likely temporary upswing.
It’s an opportunity for you to disentangle yourself that much more.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
Thankyou all. You know ... all of the things you’ve all said are right. Yes, I still care far too much about what other people think. I am still far too tangled up in this relationship because I’m trying too hard to keep “the peace” with everyone. At my own expense. I need to work on myself. I have decided to go to an al anon meeting next Sunday. (This Sunday I’m away) but I think it’s long overdue.
Something else he’s doing now which is I believe is deliberate. He’s upsetting MY neighbours! He keeps parking up in front of their driveway and it forces them to knock on my door to ask him to move. It’s happened 4 or 5 times now and they are beginning to get very annoyed. I get on very well with them. They are related to my landlord so easily could have me sent an official letter. It would suit EX if I were to fall out with them and feel insecure in my new home or feel I had to move again. I think he enjoys seeing me feel weak and vulnerable so he can step in with support and advice etc. He knows disputes with other people upsets me greatly. We’ve fallen out with neighbours in every house we’ve lived in because of his temper rudeness or arrogance.
I agree. Divorce needs to happen. I need to untangle this mess and stop him thinking I still belong to him in anyway maybe not physically but emotionally, financially I still am tied to him!
Something else he’s doing now which is I believe is deliberate. He’s upsetting MY neighbours! He keeps parking up in front of their driveway and it forces them to knock on my door to ask him to move. It’s happened 4 or 5 times now and they are beginning to get very annoyed. I get on very well with them. They are related to my landlord so easily could have me sent an official letter. It would suit EX if I were to fall out with them and feel insecure in my new home or feel I had to move again. I think he enjoys seeing me feel weak and vulnerable so he can step in with support and advice etc. He knows disputes with other people upsets me greatly. We’ve fallen out with neighbours in every house we’ve lived in because of his temper rudeness or arrogance.
I agree. Divorce needs to happen. I need to untangle this mess and stop him thinking I still belong to him in anyway maybe not physically but emotionally, financially I still am tied to him!
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Originally Posted by RainingButtons 
I have decided to go to an al anon meeting next Sunday. (This Sunday I’m away) but I think it’s long overdue.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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Originally Posted by FallenAngelina
If the first meeting you try doesn't ring your bells, be sure to try a few other times and places. While AlAnon has it's guidelines, each group varies, depending on the people and the choices of the group. I've been active in AlAnon for three years and wouldn't miss my regular meeting for anything, I love it so much. But there are meetings I am not at all inspired to return to. Keep looking til you find your people - and you may just hit it on the first try! AlAnon is so much more than a support group, it's a life long game changer for many of us, with wisdom of the ages if you find your spot and dig in.
He has pulled the depression card again. Already.
I sent him a text message this morning to say that he would now have to park down the road from my house and walk. I said I was not going to tolerate any further upset with my neighbour. I text it because when I speak to him face to face he denies the conversation ever took place the next day.
He ignored my text as I knew he would, but several hours later text to say he’s not going to pick up our son up or take daughter for scouts tonight as he’s been feeling down all day.
Likely he’s been drinking all day.
He’s also punishing me for setting a new boundary, clearly regards the parking situation he’s had a pity party for one. It’s pathetic. All over a parking space!!!
and this is his way of making sure I now have to run her to scouts and pick up our son from cadets when it’s usually his night. I don’t care though I don’t mind being mum taxi and seeing my children have fun and meeting with their pals having a “normal life” and plus it saves me having to see him too.
Clearly he is still getting under my skin in a negative way though. Al anon hopefully can help me heal from all this. This forum is also therapy in a huge way!!
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Well, if his idea of punishing you is to stay away, by all means, keep aggravating him!
Do you think you’re closer to officially ending this relationship? If you’re divorced, visitation with your kids is spelled out and you would have more recourse if he violates that.
ETA: I know you know this, and heaven knows you have every reason to be furious, but ranting to your daughter just makes you feel worse after, yes? That’s where a support group or a therapist also can be really helpful.
Do you think you’re closer to officially ending this relationship? If you’re divorced, visitation with your kids is spelled out and you would have more recourse if he violates that.
ETA: I know you know this, and heaven knows you have every reason to be furious, but ranting to your daughter just makes you feel worse after, yes? That’s where a support group or a therapist also can be really helpful.
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The part that alarms me is not that you were caught speeding but while ranting to your daughter. This tells me you need a support system. I say this because I learned it the hard way. Don't rant to your kids about him. They have enough to deal with.
I say this kindly because I know it's hard. I say it from experience because I've been there. Sending you lots of support!
I say this kindly because I know it's hard. I say it from experience because I've been there. Sending you lots of support!
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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He keeps parking up in front of their driveway and it forces them to knock on my door to ask him to move. It’s happened 4 or 5 times now and they are beginning to get very annoyed. I get on very well with them.
If he blames you for it, it's not your driveway. It's not your car.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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i echo what hopeful said - we must maintain boundaries around our children. they are not our friends, nor our sounding boards. not until they hit about 30 or so.....
since you KNOW he is drinking, it would be most beneficial and safe to NOT rely on him to DRIVE your children ANYWHERE. as you know, already took DS to the damn pub and did drink while there and then drove.....
things are going to have to change. and that includes your schedule and your mental/emotional health care. you need and deserve support. and to develop skills in detaching from the jackass.
since you KNOW he is drinking, it would be most beneficial and safe to NOT rely on him to DRIVE your children ANYWHERE. as you know, already took DS to the damn pub and did drink while there and then drove.....
things are going to have to change. and that includes your schedule and your mental/emotional health care. you need and deserve support. and to develop skills in detaching from the jackass.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
Originally Posted by hopeful4
The part that alarms me is not that you were caught speeding but while ranting to your daughter. This tells me you need a support system. I say this because I learned it the hard way. Don't rant to your kids about him. They have enough to deal with.
I say this kindly because I know it's hard. I say it from experience because I've been there. Sending you lots of support!
I say this kindly because I know it's hard. I say it from experience because I've been there. Sending you lots of support!
its been a lesson.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart
Question: If they didn't know it was his car, what would be their recourse? Is it illegal to park in front of a driveway? Could he be ticketed for it? Would they be able to tow his car? If going to your house and asking him to move the car isn't working for them, I would expect that they would be well within their rights to employ the most effective means to stop their problem. And frankly, it wouldn't be involving the landlord, if I were in their shoes. And there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop them.
If he blames you for it, it's not your driveway. It's not your car.
If he blames you for it, it's not your driveway. It's not your car.
tempting...
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