Round and around we go!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 114
Round and around we go!!
I feel stupid even posting anymore! Every time I do. I get the same response and still I do the same things. I know the right answers and still keep on like things will suddenly change. I feel like enough is enough. Yet I can’t make myself just leave for good. I want to but don’t know how to go. Or can’t just do it. Or I do and come right back. Why? I’m so miserable!! He makes me so mad! And yet I just sit here waiting on another round!!
He had again tried to quit. Went for one night to detox place. Came home. Says I’m gonna do it myself. Ok. Ok. Sure. This is day 3 of no liquor. He’s very irritable. Shaking. Cold sweats. You know all the symptoms. So I’m going on about my life. If not focused on him. Been trying to do my normal stuff. He goes to work this morning. He was nice when he left. Then he calls. Call starts off fairly decent. And then takes a turn. And goes into how I’m the reason he drank. He drank to cope with me. Me not loving him enough. Me staying on his a** all the time. Me doing this me doing that!! Crap I’m used to. But crap I’m tired off. Used to I listened like a good little girl. And now I stand up to him and take up for myself. And he can’t stand it. Who is this girl?? I know people here don’t see it. But I have came along way. I never would fight back. Never. I always just took it.
Anyways. He continued on with the bashing. And how I’m to blame and all the wretched stuff I’ve done. He’s been unhappy and no one cares about his uphappiness. He has problems and he’s tried to talk to me and I don’t care. And I don’t show him any affection. And I should be his best friend. And I said you don’t want to me my friend. You can’t be a friend and do the things you do and say. And he said I don’t know how to be someone’s friend and that I have no friends. And then I politely hung up the phone. 🥴 and I haven’t heard anything since.
I really wanted my marriage to work. I really did. I have tried really hard. He can’t see it of course. But I have. While he’s been a total drunk. I’ve been trying to make sure everyone is taken care of and that the kids have structure even when he fights me on it.
I take the kids to church. I am a Sunday school teacher and the church treasurer. And all I get is someone blessing me out because I want a sober husband. And a stable life for my kids. WOW. Such a big loser. I know I’m not perfect. I know I’m not the greatest cook or house keeper. But I try really hard. I struggled when we first were married. But I have matured and grew up. And dang if he didn’t just get dumber.
I just needed to vent. This is the only place I can. I’ve just tried to keep this whole perfect life persona up for so long. At one time people looked at us and wanted what we have. Now we are the crazies. And I’m struggling dealing with that. I’m struggling with the fact that it’s not happily ever after. I’m just struggling
He had again tried to quit. Went for one night to detox place. Came home. Says I’m gonna do it myself. Ok. Ok. Sure. This is day 3 of no liquor. He’s very irritable. Shaking. Cold sweats. You know all the symptoms. So I’m going on about my life. If not focused on him. Been trying to do my normal stuff. He goes to work this morning. He was nice when he left. Then he calls. Call starts off fairly decent. And then takes a turn. And goes into how I’m the reason he drank. He drank to cope with me. Me not loving him enough. Me staying on his a** all the time. Me doing this me doing that!! Crap I’m used to. But crap I’m tired off. Used to I listened like a good little girl. And now I stand up to him and take up for myself. And he can’t stand it. Who is this girl?? I know people here don’t see it. But I have came along way. I never would fight back. Never. I always just took it.
Anyways. He continued on with the bashing. And how I’m to blame and all the wretched stuff I’ve done. He’s been unhappy and no one cares about his uphappiness. He has problems and he’s tried to talk to me and I don’t care. And I don’t show him any affection. And I should be his best friend. And I said you don’t want to me my friend. You can’t be a friend and do the things you do and say. And he said I don’t know how to be someone’s friend and that I have no friends. And then I politely hung up the phone. 🥴 and I haven’t heard anything since.
I really wanted my marriage to work. I really did. I have tried really hard. He can’t see it of course. But I have. While he’s been a total drunk. I’ve been trying to make sure everyone is taken care of and that the kids have structure even when he fights me on it.
I take the kids to church. I am a Sunday school teacher and the church treasurer. And all I get is someone blessing me out because I want a sober husband. And a stable life for my kids. WOW. Such a big loser. I know I’m not perfect. I know I’m not the greatest cook or house keeper. But I try really hard. I struggled when we first were married. But I have matured and grew up. And dang if he didn’t just get dumber.
I just needed to vent. This is the only place I can. I’ve just tried to keep this whole perfect life persona up for so long. At one time people looked at us and wanted what we have. Now we are the crazies. And I’m struggling dealing with that. I’m struggling with the fact that it’s not happily ever after. I’m just struggling
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you have grown a lot, clowery. perhaps your feet are not out the door yet, but your awareness of REALITY is certainly sharper.
many people get hung up on that "perfect life" thing. if i follow all the rules and make sure it all LOOKS good, well then certainly it WILL be. but there really IS no perfect....and even doing the right thing is no guarantee that life will not be messy and complicated.
i believe that you DID try to make your marriage work. but it's like being a rowboat - you have an oar while the other guy has a drill and is poking holes in the hull. you can't row a sinking ship. and if you only have one oar in the water, at best you'll turn in circles, going nowhere.
good job on hanging up the phone. my only suggestion is do that as soon as the conversation turns. shut off the noise. the degrading demeaning crap spewing from him. don't be his audience.
you know you deserve better. you know he is not WILLING to put in the hard work to even give it a good try. it is what it is.
you can work on a plan - in fact you SHOULD work on a plan - before taking any drastic steps. (unless you feel threatened or the children are in harm's way, that is). i'd start that plan today. think of it like a budget. just making the budget doesn't CHANGE anything, but getting clarity on what IS and what is NEXT lays the groundwork for change.
many people get hung up on that "perfect life" thing. if i follow all the rules and make sure it all LOOKS good, well then certainly it WILL be. but there really IS no perfect....and even doing the right thing is no guarantee that life will not be messy and complicated.
i believe that you DID try to make your marriage work. but it's like being a rowboat - you have an oar while the other guy has a drill and is poking holes in the hull. you can't row a sinking ship. and if you only have one oar in the water, at best you'll turn in circles, going nowhere.
good job on hanging up the phone. my only suggestion is do that as soon as the conversation turns. shut off the noise. the degrading demeaning crap spewing from him. don't be his audience.
you know you deserve better. you know he is not WILLING to put in the hard work to even give it a good try. it is what it is.
you can work on a plan - in fact you SHOULD work on a plan - before taking any drastic steps. (unless you feel threatened or the children are in harm's way, that is). i'd start that plan today. think of it like a budget. just making the budget doesn't CHANGE anything, but getting clarity on what IS and what is NEXT lays the groundwork for change.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 316
The first thing I want to say is that you are definitely not crazy, you are just wrapped up in the day-to-day with an alcoholic. It is interesting to read your post here in light of the “how Al Anon works “book I am reading. Have you read it? You definitely should if you have not. Even reading the first 25 pages would help you here. That phone call that you just described? Completely predictable. This is what keeps the cycle going, he blames and complains and you continue the banter with him, this gives him a reason to drink. Any reason is a good reason and as long as you were there the cycle will continue. I wish I could take screenshots of the pages and post them here for you to read, it all makes so much sense. If you remove yourself from the equation it will disrupt his cycle and he may change. He may not, but at least then you are that much further down the road to saving your own self.
You deserve to be happy and you do not have to continue being a part of this craziness.
Just my two cents. I am living it right now, I moved out two weeks ago. You can do this, make plans and put 1 foot in front of the other towards your goal without being emotional about it.
You deserve to be happy and you do not have to continue being a part of this craziness.
Just my two cents. I am living it right now, I moved out two weeks ago. You can do this, make plans and put 1 foot in front of the other towards your goal without being emotional about it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
I know you just need to vent and I have no exact answers/suggestions to give you... only your story and struggles made me think... as I have begun dating again after years and years living with my alcoholic ex GF... I sincerely hope I meet a woman as loving, steadfast, dedicated, and faithful as you and nearly all the woman in this forum! It constantly blows my mind how incredible you women are, and sadly these men are so consumed with addiction that they can’t even see what absolutely amazing partners they have.
Do you deserve more? hell yes!
Should you stay? only you can answer that...
I’m so deeply sorry this cycle keeps endlessly going on repeat. Active alcoholics make horrible partners... breaks my heart.
Don’t ever feel bad for posting.
Do you deserve more? hell yes!
Should you stay? only you can answer that...
I’m so deeply sorry this cycle keeps endlessly going on repeat. Active alcoholics make horrible partners... breaks my heart.
Don’t ever feel bad for posting.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Clowery,
First off you are not a loser and your not crazy. You are anything but that. You have worked hard to try and keep the family and marriage alive and healthy. You have come along ways since coming here. You are getting all the things you want to say out and not holding them in. That is good for you. While change is hard. I think you are finally realizing that AH is not going to. Only you can change yourself. You have to look after yourself and your kids.
You AH came home from rehab because he didn't like what they had to say (no drinking). He came home and said I will do it myself. Then three days later calls you and blames you for everything. He is looking for an excuse to drink. I'm not sure how you stayed on the phone for so long. You deserve to treated with respect. You have done a lot to try and help him. You are correct that friends don't treat people the way he treated you. He will not see all the hard work you have done until he wants to fix himself. He has to want to have help from others. That is the only way he is going to beat this. From the sound of it he doesn't.
You don't have to be the greatest cook or the best house keeper or be perfect to have a happy marriage. You just have to communicate and care about the other person. You are not communicating with you husband. You are communicating with his Alcoholic brain. All it can think about is, when am I going to get that next drink. You care about him, but he cares more about Alcohol. Until he is truly ready to give that all up and get help from others. That is all you will get from him.
I'm sorry you have to deal with all this and not getting your happily ever after. Just know that we are here for you. Vent anytime you want. Keep being strong and have a great day.
First off you are not a loser and your not crazy. You are anything but that. You have worked hard to try and keep the family and marriage alive and healthy. You have come along ways since coming here. You are getting all the things you want to say out and not holding them in. That is good for you. While change is hard. I think you are finally realizing that AH is not going to. Only you can change yourself. You have to look after yourself and your kids.
You AH came home from rehab because he didn't like what they had to say (no drinking). He came home and said I will do it myself. Then three days later calls you and blames you for everything. He is looking for an excuse to drink. I'm not sure how you stayed on the phone for so long. You deserve to treated with respect. You have done a lot to try and help him. You are correct that friends don't treat people the way he treated you. He will not see all the hard work you have done until he wants to fix himself. He has to want to have help from others. That is the only way he is going to beat this. From the sound of it he doesn't.
You don't have to be the greatest cook or the best house keeper or be perfect to have a happy marriage. You just have to communicate and care about the other person. You are not communicating with you husband. You are communicating with his Alcoholic brain. All it can think about is, when am I going to get that next drink. You care about him, but he cares more about Alcohol. Until he is truly ready to give that all up and get help from others. That is all you will get from him.
I'm sorry you have to deal with all this and not getting your happily ever after. Just know that we are here for you. Vent anytime you want. Keep being strong and have a great day.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Vent away! We totally get it.
Don't ever feel like you should not post, we are here to support you. First post, or millionth post, does not matter. Maybe instead of looking at why you don't leave, you can work on smaller boundaries. When he rants at me, I will simply, hang up. Leave. Don't respond. I am not saying not to stick up for yourself. I know you have come a long way and this is not the same as just taking it. It is saying, "for my own sanity, I am not going to engage." A person can only fight on their own for so long, then with no response, done.
I went through all of the same of these issues. Then one day it got bad enough, his behavior was awful enough, and it just clicked. I literally pushed him out the door and advised him he had 10 mins to get off the front lawn or I was calling the police to come get him. I just snapped, and my brain never went backwards from that moment. I hope for you that you don't let it get that bad. Dangerous things happened that night, and my children saw things I never wanted them to see. They won't ever forget any of it.
Take care of YOU. Do what is good for YOU. Sending you huge hugs.
Don't ever feel like you should not post, we are here to support you. First post, or millionth post, does not matter. Maybe instead of looking at why you don't leave, you can work on smaller boundaries. When he rants at me, I will simply, hang up. Leave. Don't respond. I am not saying not to stick up for yourself. I know you have come a long way and this is not the same as just taking it. It is saying, "for my own sanity, I am not going to engage." A person can only fight on their own for so long, then with no response, done.
I went through all of the same of these issues. Then one day it got bad enough, his behavior was awful enough, and it just clicked. I literally pushed him out the door and advised him he had 10 mins to get off the front lawn or I was calling the police to come get him. I just snapped, and my brain never went backwards from that moment. I hope for you that you don't let it get that bad. Dangerous things happened that night, and my children saw things I never wanted them to see. They won't ever forget any of it.
Take care of YOU. Do what is good for YOU. Sending you huge hugs.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
What kind of real-life support do you have for yourself, C? Al-Anon? A therapist? This site is amazing, but it can't replace IRL connections.
You don't have to defend yourself here against the accusations being thrown at you by your husband. He will do or say anything to take the focus off his own terrible behavior. And if he can convince you that everything is your fault, then it will be easier for him to believe it himself. I know how hard it is when someone is attacking you, but try to remember you do not have to J.A.D.E.:
Justify
Argue
Defend
Explain
This is not an argument you can win. Better not to engage than drive yourself batty trying to accomplish the impossible. The more you engage with his baseless accusations, the more your self-confidence will be undercut. And you need all the self-love and respect you can get right now.
You don't have to defend yourself here against the accusations being thrown at you by your husband. He will do or say anything to take the focus off his own terrible behavior. And if he can convince you that everything is your fault, then it will be easier for him to believe it himself. I know how hard it is when someone is attacking you, but try to remember you do not have to J.A.D.E.:
Justify
Argue
Defend
Explain
This is not an argument you can win. Better not to engage than drive yourself batty trying to accomplish the impossible. The more you engage with his baseless accusations, the more your self-confidence will be undercut. And you need all the self-love and respect you can get right now.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
clowery, as Anvil mentioned, I too recommend you hang up that phone as soon as it starts.
The truth is you aren't any of those things he says you are. The truth is he is just venting all his venom on you.
That's kind of hard to understand when you are not that kind of person. Perhaps there is a scrap of truth in what he says?? Perhaps you are kind of a poor housekeeper/Mother/cook etc.
Well no, that's just not the case. You are the housekeeper, Mother and cook that you are to the best of your ability, which I'm sure is great!
What you don't need is someone constantly putting you down and if you do decide to keep on keeping on, for heaven's sake stop taking what he has to say to heart. It has NOTHING to do with you.
People who are looking to dump all their life's woes on someone else do this. It makes them feel better.
Of course it annoys him, he has all this pent up anger and you are not alleviating him of it!
The truth is you aren't any of those things he says you are. The truth is he is just venting all his venom on you.
That's kind of hard to understand when you are not that kind of person. Perhaps there is a scrap of truth in what he says?? Perhaps you are kind of a poor housekeeper/Mother/cook etc.
Well no, that's just not the case. You are the housekeeper, Mother and cook that you are to the best of your ability, which I'm sure is great!
What you don't need is someone constantly putting you down and if you do decide to keep on keeping on, for heaven's sake stop taking what he has to say to heart. It has NOTHING to do with you.
People who are looking to dump all their life's woes on someone else do this. It makes them feel better.
Of course it annoys him, he has all this pent up anger and you are not alleviating him of it!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 134
Clowery
First off, your are not stupid! Those cut downs / accusations are just as everyone else has said...quack quack quack. As far as why do you stay? Well why do any of us stay? In most cases, alcoholism is progressive. Which in turn means so is the A’s deteriorating behavior toward a spouse/loved one. This time frame allows for so much manipulation and chaos to occur that we are literally in too deep before we know it. Our minds have been thoroughly used and abused. In my case I lost all common sense (lol) I stayed 5 years to long. Even when I knew better, I still tried to make my AH see things my way. And he did some (okay alot) of pretty crappy things to me. Point is, leaving is something you have to be prepared for, mentally. It is hard. No way around that. Thats why coming here, reading, going to Al Anon or any f 2 f meetings are in your best interest. To prepare yourself, mind, body and soul. It may not happen today or next week and that’s okay. That’s where baby steps come in.
Keep working at it - it will pay off in the end for you and your kids
First off, your are not stupid! Those cut downs / accusations are just as everyone else has said...quack quack quack. As far as why do you stay? Well why do any of us stay? In most cases, alcoholism is progressive. Which in turn means so is the A’s deteriorating behavior toward a spouse/loved one. This time frame allows for so much manipulation and chaos to occur that we are literally in too deep before we know it. Our minds have been thoroughly used and abused. In my case I lost all common sense (lol) I stayed 5 years to long. Even when I knew better, I still tried to make my AH see things my way. And he did some (okay alot) of pretty crappy things to me. Point is, leaving is something you have to be prepared for, mentally. It is hard. No way around that. Thats why coming here, reading, going to Al Anon or any f 2 f meetings are in your best interest. To prepare yourself, mind, body and soul. It may not happen today or next week and that’s okay. That’s where baby steps come in.
Keep working at it - it will pay off in the end for you and your kids
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
clowery…..have you ever been to the zoo....where the monkeys sometimes throw their poo at the visitors? When he is, basically throwing poo at you....you need to keep yourself outside of the range of his poo...…
I feel that you were not brought into this world just to have poo thrown at you...! You deserve better than this......
I feel that you were not brought into this world just to have poo thrown at you...! You deserve better than this......
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 114
Originally Posted by FWN 
The first thing I want to say is that you are definitely not crazy, you are just wrapped up in the day-to-day with an alcoholic. It is interesting to read your post here in light of the “how Al Anon works “book I am reading. Have you read it? You definitely should if you have not. Even reading the first 25 pages would help you here. That phone call that you just described? Completely predictable. This is what keeps the cycle going, he blames and complains and you continue the banter with him, this gives him a reason to drink. Any reason is a good reason and as long as you were there the cycle will continue. I wish I could take screenshots of the pages and post them here for you to read, it all makes so much sense. If you remove yourself from the equation it will disrupt his cycle and he may change. He may not, but at least then you are that much further down the road to saving your own self.
You deserve to be happy and you do not have to continue being a part of this craziness.
Just my two cents. I am living it right now, I moved out two weeks ago. You can do this, make plans and put 1 foot in front of the other towards your goal without being emotional about it.
You deserve to be happy and you do not have to continue being a part of this craziness.
Just my two cents. I am living it right now, I moved out two weeks ago. You can do this, make plans and put 1 foot in front of the other towards your goal without being emotional about it.
I just got the book in the mail today and I can’t put it down!! So much helpful stuff in there.
I don’t know why it still shocks me when this kinda stuff happens. Because it’s always chaos with him. After the phone call this morning. I’ve heard nothing else from him. It’s 8:30 here and he’s still not home from work. Which he is usually here around 6-7. Maybe he’s found something fun to do tonight. Haha!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
He's now sensing that you are getting stronger, so he has to "Up" his game. He went to a bar. He wants you to sit there and worry about him. He will continue "upping his game". The stronger you get, the more he wants to take you down.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
C,
Of course it is your fault, everything is your fault. You are miserable, terrible wife and mother, terrible house keeper, awful driver, and so on. It can and will go on forever. We do have choices in life and not engaging with a dry or wet alcoholic is one of them. If he calls back turn off your phone. Inform him that you are no longer going to tolerate the verbal abuse. If you are together, leave, take the kids or yourself and get away from him.
My axh used to wake me up when he was drunk in the middle of the night and start fighting. He wouldn't stop so I got dressed and left in my car. I would turn off my phone and sleep in the hospital parking lot, under a street lamp. Its not fun being with an addict, but you do not have to accept verbal abuse, you have choices.
Keep moving forward, you are learning and changing the rules in the game. He is seeing that and not understanding how to deal with you, as he is losing the power over you. Hug!!
Of course it is your fault, everything is your fault. You are miserable, terrible wife and mother, terrible house keeper, awful driver, and so on. It can and will go on forever. We do have choices in life and not engaging with a dry or wet alcoholic is one of them. If he calls back turn off your phone. Inform him that you are no longer going to tolerate the verbal abuse. If you are together, leave, take the kids or yourself and get away from him.
My axh used to wake me up when he was drunk in the middle of the night and start fighting. He wouldn't stop so I got dressed and left in my car. I would turn off my phone and sleep in the hospital parking lot, under a street lamp. Its not fun being with an addict, but you do not have to accept verbal abuse, you have choices.
Keep moving forward, you are learning and changing the rules in the game. He is seeing that and not understanding how to deal with you, as he is losing the power over you. Hug!!
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