Christmas
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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Christmas
I wanted to document here how Christmas Day went. I use this forum as a kind of journal it really helps me to read back and see how far I’ve come! In my previous thread I said i was angry with myself for inviting AH over for Christmas Day. But I did . I sucked it up. So now it’s over - STBXAH came for Christmas. He’s still here actually- upstairs on an air bed in sons room.
it was ok. I got through the day and it actually was uneventful- no dramas and dinner was cooked perfectly. He peeled the potatoes and veg. I pre made a few dishes in advance. It was lovely food and the day was pretty relaxed.
I had lost several nights of sleep worrying about it. Oh don’t get me wrong - he DID drink. I knew he would. He’s still in total denial that he’s an alcoholic.
But I feel I coped quite well under the circumstances, I’m feeling stronger and I’m proud I have given my family a peaceful christmas.
He turned up an hour late. By 9am the kids were itching to start opening their presents and so I said we go ahead and start opening them without Dad! He missed part of that and there wasn’t a huge fanfare for him when he walked in because excitement was already underway. but in the past I would have made everyone wait. Not anymore!! our day was not structured around him or his drinking. 🙌🏻
I knew he was late because he will have drank heavily Christmas Eve. The fact he guzzled water as soon as he arrived, had tremors and spent ages on the toilet said it all.
He watched the kids open the rest of their gifts which he didn’t contribute towards. I’m not sure if he was bothered that every gift said “from Mum” or not if it did he didn’t show emotion. Then I gave them the gifts from him that he asked me to order AND wrap only a few days ago on his behalf 🙄 he didn’t even know what was inside them. but I that for them not him. I suppose I sound a bit bitter saying this but I want to remember next year that this is what he did. My memory tends to get rose tinted as time goes by.
He started drinking the 2 litre bottle of cider at 11am and worked his way through that AND three bottles of wine throughout the day. Passed out on the sofa at 8pm. But we ignored that. I went for a lovely dog walk with the kids this afternoon whilst he chose to stay and drink and play a game in his phone. My daughter tried out her new skateboard. We made friends with some horses. I put MY music on whilst I cleaned up after dinner and I chose the TV - I had the remote control! The cat stole a huge slice of the left over turkey from a cling filmed plate in the kitchen and ran off with it and gave us a good laugh 😂
he thanked me for dinner when he finally went to bed - swaying, blur eyes and planted a kiss on my cheek - he reeked 😢 my son now has a drunk Dad snoring on his bedroom floor but he really loves him and doesn’t mind. But I know he’s aware. He’s sat snuggled up to a comatose Dad all evening - I watched him pulling his arm around him as he watched tv but I could see that in XAH’s head the lights were out and nobody was home. That was sad to see. But all in all I feel the day was a success in that I didn’t allow it to be about him as the alcoholic. The kids had a lovely day. I am simply grateful and relived it’s over and that nothing dramatic happened. Let’s hope he leaves without drama in the morning and I plan to treat myself to a hot bath and some of my new face packs and a movie day.
I hope everyone here has had a peaceful holiday.
it was ok. I got through the day and it actually was uneventful- no dramas and dinner was cooked perfectly. He peeled the potatoes and veg. I pre made a few dishes in advance. It was lovely food and the day was pretty relaxed.
I had lost several nights of sleep worrying about it. Oh don’t get me wrong - he DID drink. I knew he would. He’s still in total denial that he’s an alcoholic.
But I feel I coped quite well under the circumstances, I’m feeling stronger and I’m proud I have given my family a peaceful christmas.
He turned up an hour late. By 9am the kids were itching to start opening their presents and so I said we go ahead and start opening them without Dad! He missed part of that and there wasn’t a huge fanfare for him when he walked in because excitement was already underway. but in the past I would have made everyone wait. Not anymore!! our day was not structured around him or his drinking. 🙌🏻
I knew he was late because he will have drank heavily Christmas Eve. The fact he guzzled water as soon as he arrived, had tremors and spent ages on the toilet said it all.
He watched the kids open the rest of their gifts which he didn’t contribute towards. I’m not sure if he was bothered that every gift said “from Mum” or not if it did he didn’t show emotion. Then I gave them the gifts from him that he asked me to order AND wrap only a few days ago on his behalf 🙄 he didn’t even know what was inside them. but I that for them not him. I suppose I sound a bit bitter saying this but I want to remember next year that this is what he did. My memory tends to get rose tinted as time goes by.
He started drinking the 2 litre bottle of cider at 11am and worked his way through that AND three bottles of wine throughout the day. Passed out on the sofa at 8pm. But we ignored that. I went for a lovely dog walk with the kids this afternoon whilst he chose to stay and drink and play a game in his phone. My daughter tried out her new skateboard. We made friends with some horses. I put MY music on whilst I cleaned up after dinner and I chose the TV - I had the remote control! The cat stole a huge slice of the left over turkey from a cling filmed plate in the kitchen and ran off with it and gave us a good laugh 😂
he thanked me for dinner when he finally went to bed - swaying, blur eyes and planted a kiss on my cheek - he reeked 😢 my son now has a drunk Dad snoring on his bedroom floor but he really loves him and doesn’t mind. But I know he’s aware. He’s sat snuggled up to a comatose Dad all evening - I watched him pulling his arm around him as he watched tv but I could see that in XAH’s head the lights were out and nobody was home. That was sad to see. But all in all I feel the day was a success in that I didn’t allow it to be about him as the alcoholic. The kids had a lovely day. I am simply grateful and relived it’s over and that nothing dramatic happened. Let’s hope he leaves without drama in the morning and I plan to treat myself to a hot bath and some of my new face packs and a movie day.
I hope everyone here has had a peaceful holiday.
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Agree with Bekind, you played your hand well.
How about next year the focus not being drunk Dad? Maybe it's time for a really fun Christmas just you and the kids, perhaps there can be a get together at Dad's place the day after Christmas.
You deserve a happy Christmas too you know, not filled with strife! The kids will be happy and so will you.
How about next year the focus not being drunk Dad? Maybe it's time for a really fun Christmas just you and the kids, perhaps there can be a get together at Dad's place the day after Christmas.
You deserve a happy Christmas too you know, not filled with strife! The kids will be happy and so will you.
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 134
Sounds like you’re kids had a good Christmas! - at the end of the day that’s what counts. You did the best you could with the situation and sometimes that’s all we can do. Also happy to hear you have some “pampering” planned for yourself today, you’ve earned it!
Keep moving forward, one day at a time
Now I'm off to tackle my mountain of dishes...Ugh lol
p.s. You can always deflate his mattress to wake him up if needed 😉
Keep moving forward, one day at a time
Now I'm off to tackle my mountain of dishes...Ugh lol
p.s. You can always deflate his mattress to wake him up if needed 😉
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RB,
Sounds like an amazing Christmas with an active addict in the home. You will look back at how dysfunctional our lives become with addicts in our lives. We keep peace and move on around the "white elephant" in the room.
Congratulations that you made it a wonderful Christmas for you and your kids, as that is all that matters! Happy New Year, may it bring you peace and serenity.
Sounds like an amazing Christmas with an active addict in the home. You will look back at how dysfunctional our lives become with addicts in our lives. We keep peace and move on around the "white elephant" in the room.
Congratulations that you made it a wonderful Christmas for you and your kids, as that is all that matters! Happy New Year, may it bring you peace and serenity.
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Well done on everything, but a pity nothing has changed with him. Would it be possible that next year he buys and wraps his own presents for the kids? I know you did it for them, but he's a grown man and if he lets them down he should wear it.
Did he help your clear up after the meal?
Did he help your clear up after the meal?
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No he didn’t help to clear up after, but he was playing board games with the kids so I quite liked leaving them to that. I bc agree that moving forward I will not bale him out of his duty to buy and wrap his own christmas presents for his children. This year was the first Christmas without him and I gave him that one as he’s apparently suffering severe depression.
the following morning was difficult. He was up early and left the house - I thought he’d gone. What he’d actually done was go back to his house and grab his phone charger and feed the cat before returning to mine! I made a few large hints at him leaving (put his christmas presents by the door and said don’t forget these, plated him up some leftovers to take with him.) I took my eldest to her friends house and when I got back he was still sat there in my lounge. Kids upstairs on x boxes, him sat playing a game on his phone! He started to read the TV Times out to me suggesting what might be nice to watch. Awkward!!!
I said very clearly that I planned a relaxed day watching the soaps. Then he took the hint and said “I guess I’d better get out of the way for a bit then...”
As he left as I refused to make eye contact but cheerily said goodbye, he looked very emotional. It was hard not to feel absolutely terrible but I know there was a large element of manipulation involved.
one odd thing... his fingers are going black randomly? He said it comes and goes like a bruise at the top of his finger? Obviously not staying in my lane to wonder.... so I didn’t react when he showed me. but does anyone know? is that a symptom with alcoholics?
Today (New Years Day) we always traditionally had another Christmas dinner. But I did not invite him. I wasn’t going to put myself through that again. I cooked for seven - my kids and daughters boyfriend and their half sister. It was lovely. XAH was very put out at not being invited. Came over early and stayed 20 minutes before leaving in a huff when he saw me peeling potatoes and realised. Sorry not sorry. We had a sober alcohol free day and it was perfect. I watched Bridget Jones with a hot chocolate and my blanket round me, no snoring alcoholic to throw cushions at.
happy new year everyone I hope 2020 brings us all peace x
the following morning was difficult. He was up early and left the house - I thought he’d gone. What he’d actually done was go back to his house and grab his phone charger and feed the cat before returning to mine! I made a few large hints at him leaving (put his christmas presents by the door and said don’t forget these, plated him up some leftovers to take with him.) I took my eldest to her friends house and when I got back he was still sat there in my lounge. Kids upstairs on x boxes, him sat playing a game on his phone! He started to read the TV Times out to me suggesting what might be nice to watch. Awkward!!!
I said very clearly that I planned a relaxed day watching the soaps. Then he took the hint and said “I guess I’d better get out of the way for a bit then...”
As he left as I refused to make eye contact but cheerily said goodbye, he looked very emotional. It was hard not to feel absolutely terrible but I know there was a large element of manipulation involved.
one odd thing... his fingers are going black randomly? He said it comes and goes like a bruise at the top of his finger? Obviously not staying in my lane to wonder.... so I didn’t react when he showed me. but does anyone know? is that a symptom with alcoholics?
Today (New Years Day) we always traditionally had another Christmas dinner. But I did not invite him. I wasn’t going to put myself through that again. I cooked for seven - my kids and daughters boyfriend and their half sister. It was lovely. XAH was very put out at not being invited. Came over early and stayed 20 minutes before leaving in a huff when he saw me peeling potatoes and realised. Sorry not sorry. We had a sober alcohol free day and it was perfect. I watched Bridget Jones with a hot chocolate and my blanket round me, no snoring alcoholic to throw cushions at.
happy new year everyone I hope 2020 brings us all peace x
Last edited by RainingButtons; 01-01-2020 at 04:28 PM. Reason: Adding to
Sober since 10th April 2012
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I feel for you RB, in that normal instinct would be to invite a lonely person to stay, come to a meal etc, but in this case it would send the wrong message.
Not medical advice, but dark finger tips would indicate circulation problems. He should see a doctor, but of course he knows that. He doesn't need you to push him.
Not medical advice, but dark finger tips would indicate circulation problems. He should see a doctor, but of course he knows that. He doesn't need you to push him.
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RB, I so so hope you are doing as well as you sound. You SOUND like you are marching along doing what you can to make everything as good as possible given the situation. I know it must be beyond tough on many occasions.
It sounds like it is still tough with STBXAH wanting to just move right on in with you all.
I so hope 2020 has some good boundaries, good growth and good times.
It sounds like it is still tough with STBXAH wanting to just move right on in with you all.
I so hope 2020 has some good boundaries, good growth and good times.
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Christmas 2020
I haven’t posted in a few months and came searching my old posts purposely because I’d hoped I’d written something about Christmas to jog my memory and I had! 😂 So true that I get rose tinted glasses as things move on.
so this year has been a tough one for everyone, I can only say how absolutely relieved I have been not to be still living with an active alcoholic.
we are still on civil terms and he still sees the children at my house only - he’s made zero effort to clear his own house up and invite them there. He still works. He still quacks about not drinking anymore (I don’t even blink a reaction anymore!) even though can smell it on him. my locks are changed and he no longer walks in the house uninvited. my boundaries are stronger. the divorce is still in the court system delayed due to covid and there are still massive unresolved issues around dividing the house he lives in. He “forgot” my birthday and my eldest daughters birthday this year, despite us making his birthday nice for the children (we made him a cooked breakfast and the children gave him gifts at my house) he didn’t reciprocate the gesture so that’s also the last time I’ll go to that much effort.
so to this Christmas. I have remained resolved that he’s not invited to spend the day with us this year. I have not bought gifts for the children from him this year either - although he did ask me to help him with ideas! I sent him a couple of links to things they wanted but have not done anything more than that - so it’s up to him. I have a very strong suspicion that he’s not accepted any invites elsewhere for Christmas dinner though and that he’s still holding out for an invite to ours.
he tried to broach the subject with me last week and asked what my plans were for Christmas. I replied “a quiet one just me and the kids” and did not ask the question back. I Know he is working up to it - I’m not confident in how I should reply to him? I don’t need to explain myself to him do I? I know the kids would enjoy their Dad being there for dinner but I’d be on edge and his very presence irritates me. He hasn’t contributed financially either and I’ve saved all year to provide a nice Christmas why should he ride on the back of it all for nothing? He’s my EX for a reason I don’t want him sharing my Christmas ever again. This will happen every year if I don’t stop it right now.
I don’t mind him visiting in the morning to exchange his gifts with the children, but I do not want him staying for dinner - he will just start on the drink and then he will dominate the entire day. He holds court when he’s here the conversation is always led by him he doesn’t share our sense of humour either and so we clip our own stories to avoid his disapproval!! Also - the kids still gang up on my eldest daughter when he’s around and although it’s “banter” to them it winds me up because I know they only do it for his amusement. I will say no he can’t stay for dinner - but just wanted to say it’s still so hard even after 18 months of separation from the alcoholic they still demand such attention and can turn on the pity party and take advantage of the slightest thing. Give them an inch they take a mile.
so this year has been a tough one for everyone, I can only say how absolutely relieved I have been not to be still living with an active alcoholic.
we are still on civil terms and he still sees the children at my house only - he’s made zero effort to clear his own house up and invite them there. He still works. He still quacks about not drinking anymore (I don’t even blink a reaction anymore!) even though can smell it on him. my locks are changed and he no longer walks in the house uninvited. my boundaries are stronger. the divorce is still in the court system delayed due to covid and there are still massive unresolved issues around dividing the house he lives in. He “forgot” my birthday and my eldest daughters birthday this year, despite us making his birthday nice for the children (we made him a cooked breakfast and the children gave him gifts at my house) he didn’t reciprocate the gesture so that’s also the last time I’ll go to that much effort.
so to this Christmas. I have remained resolved that he’s not invited to spend the day with us this year. I have not bought gifts for the children from him this year either - although he did ask me to help him with ideas! I sent him a couple of links to things they wanted but have not done anything more than that - so it’s up to him. I have a very strong suspicion that he’s not accepted any invites elsewhere for Christmas dinner though and that he’s still holding out for an invite to ours.
he tried to broach the subject with me last week and asked what my plans were for Christmas. I replied “a quiet one just me and the kids” and did not ask the question back. I Know he is working up to it - I’m not confident in how I should reply to him? I don’t need to explain myself to him do I? I know the kids would enjoy their Dad being there for dinner but I’d be on edge and his very presence irritates me. He hasn’t contributed financially either and I’ve saved all year to provide a nice Christmas why should he ride on the back of it all for nothing? He’s my EX for a reason I don’t want him sharing my Christmas ever again. This will happen every year if I don’t stop it right now.
I don’t mind him visiting in the morning to exchange his gifts with the children, but I do not want him staying for dinner - he will just start on the drink and then he will dominate the entire day. He holds court when he’s here the conversation is always led by him he doesn’t share our sense of humour either and so we clip our own stories to avoid his disapproval!! Also - the kids still gang up on my eldest daughter when he’s around and although it’s “banter” to them it winds me up because I know they only do it for his amusement. I will say no he can’t stay for dinner - but just wanted to say it’s still so hard even after 18 months of separation from the alcoholic they still demand such attention and can turn on the pity party and take advantage of the slightest thing. Give them an inch they take a mile.
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If it were me, I wouldn’t have him over in the morning if there is even the slightest chance he won’t leave as agreed upon or discussed. I might even prefer-emotively let him know he is welcome to drop off the kids’ gifts the day before.
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Originally Posted by RainingButtons 
...it’s still so hard even after 18 months of separation from the alcoholic they still demand such attention and can turn on the pity party and take advantage of the slightest thing. Give them an inch they take a mile.
Who do you want to spend Christmas Day with?
Originally Posted by RainingButtons
I don’t mind him visiting in the morning to exchange his gifts with the children
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
If it were me, I wouldn’t have him over in the morning if there is even the slightest chance he won’t leave as agreed upon or discussed. I might even prefer-emotively let him know he is welcome to drop off the kids’ gifts the day before.
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RB! So good to hear from you. It sounds like you have been learning how to flex your boundary muscles a bit more, that's great!
I'm glad you got those locks changed so he doesn't just barge right into your home anymore. It always bothered me so much when you would tell us about him invading your space the way he would.
He must be awfully annoyed by this "new" you that doesn't fall prey to his manipulations anymore. It's excellent that you realize he IS going to play games about Christmas. I agree with Sparklekitty and FallenAngelina about you deciding strong boundaries based on your own feelings. You said, He is your "ex for a reason, and you don't ever want to ever share your Christmases with him ever again". I believe you when you say that. I hope you honour your own needs this holiday (and every holiday and every normal day too!) I understand that you want your children to see their father Christmas morning. I get it, I really do. But you know once he is in the house he is going to start with the manipulations, he will use the kids against you, he "wont have anywhere else to go" and make everyone feel sorry for him etc. YOUR whole Christmas will likely get all wrapped up revolving around him yet again, in one way or another. Heck, you are already stewing about it and its 11 days away. Like you said, he is your EX, he shouldn't get this much space in your thoughts every day. He is still very good at making everything all about him isn't he? You've been getting so much better at not playing along with that, keep it up!
Is there any reason the kids can't see him Christmas Eve instead? or Boxing Day? If he is going to come over Christmas morning, if he isn't there on time, I'd not make the kids wait on gift opening to appease their hungover father. Especially since he hasn't lifted a finger to provide anything decent towards the day. Christmas is for kids, not drunks. Him making everyone wait until he saunters in when he wants is his wants and behaviors overshaddowing the family yet again. He is so disrespectful, I hope you decide to take that power away from him.
MERRY CHRISTMAS Raining Buttons! I hope you and ALL your children have a peaceful happy holiday. *hugs*
I'm glad you got those locks changed so he doesn't just barge right into your home anymore. It always bothered me so much when you would tell us about him invading your space the way he would.
He must be awfully annoyed by this "new" you that doesn't fall prey to his manipulations anymore. It's excellent that you realize he IS going to play games about Christmas. I agree with Sparklekitty and FallenAngelina about you deciding strong boundaries based on your own feelings. You said, He is your "ex for a reason, and you don't ever want to ever share your Christmases with him ever again". I believe you when you say that. I hope you honour your own needs this holiday (and every holiday and every normal day too!) I understand that you want your children to see their father Christmas morning. I get it, I really do. But you know once he is in the house he is going to start with the manipulations, he will use the kids against you, he "wont have anywhere else to go" and make everyone feel sorry for him etc. YOUR whole Christmas will likely get all wrapped up revolving around him yet again, in one way or another. Heck, you are already stewing about it and its 11 days away. Like you said, he is your EX, he shouldn't get this much space in your thoughts every day. He is still very good at making everything all about him isn't he? You've been getting so much better at not playing along with that, keep it up!
Is there any reason the kids can't see him Christmas Eve instead? or Boxing Day? If he is going to come over Christmas morning, if he isn't there on time, I'd not make the kids wait on gift opening to appease their hungover father. Especially since he hasn't lifted a finger to provide anything decent towards the day. Christmas is for kids, not drunks. Him making everyone wait until he saunters in when he wants is his wants and behaviors overshaddowing the family yet again. He is so disrespectful, I hope you decide to take that power away from him.
MERRY CHRISTMAS Raining Buttons! I hope you and ALL your children have a peaceful happy holiday. *hugs*
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I was going to ask about Christmas Eve too, but Boxing Day sounds even better. The kids get to see him, but you don’t have to fret about whether he’ll try to angle to spend the night and worm his way into Christmas morning or dinner.
you are doing so well. I’ve seen your posts for awhile, and your progress is inspiring. You and your children deserve a holiday full of joy, free of alcoholic chaos.
you are doing so well. I’ve seen your posts for awhile, and your progress is inspiring. You and your children deserve a holiday full of joy, free of alcoholic chaos.
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RainingButtons…….Congratulations on making and keeping your boundaries with him. You have made a lot of progress since last Christmas. I know that it is not easy when they manipulate and push back on everything.
I hope that you and the kids have a peaceful and enjoyable Christmas day, together. After all, these are memories that they will carry for a lifetime.
I hope that you and the kids have a peaceful and enjoyable Christmas day, together. After all, these are memories that they will carry for a lifetime.
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I'm happy to see you RB.
I'll make this short but although it seems early days, I would start as you intend to go on. I wouldn't have him over on xmas day at all, as you said, it's not going to be fun, why ruin your xmas morning.
For us (although we were teens and then adults doing this) we would go to my Father's house and then to my Mom's for dinner. You know, it was pretty awful lol. I think later on we would just go to my Mom's or my Sisters and visit him on boxing day.
Disruption, travelling around, that's just not fun and the tension - also not fun. So how about just enjoying yourselves and maybe he could come for breakfast or brunch on boxing day, for a set time, ie: if you would like to come and give the kids their gifts on boxing day we will have brunch from 11-2 and then we have plans (even if those plans are lazing around the house!).
I'll make this short but although it seems early days, I would start as you intend to go on. I wouldn't have him over on xmas day at all, as you said, it's not going to be fun, why ruin your xmas morning.
For us (although we were teens and then adults doing this) we would go to my Father's house and then to my Mom's for dinner. You know, it was pretty awful lol. I think later on we would just go to my Mom's or my Sisters and visit him on boxing day.
Disruption, travelling around, that's just not fun and the tension - also not fun. So how about just enjoying yourselves and maybe he could come for breakfast or brunch on boxing day, for a set time, ie: if you would like to come and give the kids their gifts on boxing day we will have brunch from 11-2 and then we have plans (even if those plans are lazing around the house!).
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I am divorced from my XAH and the kids (now adults) and I have spent the last 8 Xmas's without him. I almost caved and invited him to Xmas 8 years ago because I felt (and still do feel) sorry for him. My "almost cave" was when I sent him a text that first Xmas saying "You should be here.". His response was a narcissistic, nasty rant about how he would be spending Xmas with his drunken brother's family because they were so supportive and understanding while I was nothing but a fun spoiling, family destroying, selfish witch. 
He has spent the years since revealing more and more of who he really is. He has never attended a school graduation, prize night, awards, university graduation or significant birthday of his children the entire time. Never bought them a gift, for anything, ever. His entire family have been the same. Not even the kids' grandparents (XAH's parents) have even attempted to contact the kids.
So, as usual, I will spend a little time on Xmas day reflecting and feeling slightly sad for our children as their father and his family have chosen not to be involved in their lives. But it is, essentially, their loss. The kids and I will never again have to sit around a festive table pretending to be entertained by drunken Daddy's self-absorbed, "look at me" stories and BS followed by pouring him into a bed at 9:30PM and then cleaning up broken glasses, the piles of physical cr&p AND the emotional damage he leaves in his wake.
Plan yourselves a grand day without him and really enjoy it!
He has spent the years since revealing more and more of who he really is. He has never attended a school graduation, prize night, awards, university graduation or significant birthday of his children the entire time. Never bought them a gift, for anything, ever. His entire family have been the same. Not even the kids' grandparents (XAH's parents) have even attempted to contact the kids.
So, as usual, I will spend a little time on Xmas day reflecting and feeling slightly sad for our children as their father and his family have chosen not to be involved in their lives. But it is, essentially, their loss. The kids and I will never again have to sit around a festive table pretending to be entertained by drunken Daddy's self-absorbed, "look at me" stories and BS followed by pouring him into a bed at 9:30PM and then cleaning up broken glasses, the piles of physical cr&p AND the emotional damage he leaves in his wake.
Plan yourselves a grand day without him and really enjoy it!
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