Lonely
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Join Date: Dec 2019
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Lonely
Is anyone else in the situation where AA has become the addiction ?? The alcohol was never a problem between us because he never drank all that much, it was regular drinking but not heavy drinking. For the first 6 years of going to AA it was meetings 6 nights a week, I don’t know how I lived through it and I feel like it’s destroyed us but he is such a good husband and I can’t get over what I think AA has done to ‘us’. Feeling really isolated all the time and with no one to talk to. He is 11 years sober now but i have lost my social circle and connections not knowing at first that AA would be forever.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Out in the Stix of Southern Indiana
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Sounds like he thinks he needs it. I don't know if you have read much of the posts from alcoholics on this site but alcoholism is a strange thing. It doesn't sound like you are one so there is no way you could understand. Alcoholics really don't understand but it takes one to know one. Your husband should be commended for his efforts to keep his life and family intact. Alcoholism only gets worse with time. I think you are in a lot better situation with him involved with AA. Have you tried Al-Anon? I've heard they can be very helpful for spouses that don't understand alcoholics. Best wishes for your future!
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Springer
Al Anon was started by Bill Williams' wife with other wives of AA members. They had the same issue you are experiencing with their mates being at meetings.
Now that he is sober, have you considered marriage counseling? Maybe you folks could receive some tools to make your marriage even better.
Al Anon was started by Bill Williams' wife with other wives of AA members. They had the same issue you are experiencing with their mates being at meetings.
Now that he is sober, have you considered marriage counseling? Maybe you folks could receive some tools to make your marriage even better.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
I would consider going with him to the meetings. There might be something there that makes them so important. It might be a good thing or a bad thing. Either way, i would have more of the issue addressed.
Thanks.
Thanks.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2019
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Thank you for your replies, I have gone to a few Al Anon meetings but (meaning no disrespect to anyone) i really didn’t feel like we were in the same league, I heard a lot of stories where the family/wives had a difficult life with the alcoholic before they went into recovery and they needed this space and conversation to let the heartache out but all this heartbreak started for me after the meetings began. Which was also a few months after we got married, we’ve been together 30 years (since we were 17) but 47 now. God I sound so bitter but for the last 11 years I’ve found Xmas time particularly difficult. Apologies, rant over 🤭
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Los Angeles, Ca
Posts: 535
Originally Posted by Springerspanial 
Is anyone else in the situation where AA has become the addiction ?? The alcohol was never a problem between us because he never drank all that much, it was regular drinking but not heavy drinking. For the first 6 years of going to AA it was meetings 6 nights a week, I don’t know how I lived through it and I feel like it’s destroyed us but he is such a good husband and I can’t get over what I think AA has done to ‘us’. Feeling really isolated all the time and with no one to talk to. He is 11 years sober now but i have lost my social circle and connections not knowing at first that AA would be forever.
After 47 years of getting drunk and taking recreational drugs every week, I have come to the conclusion that: Reasons for excessive drinking are driven by emotional factors, usually feelings of intolerable helplessness or whatever in life makes a person feeling overwhelmingly trapped. Having the tools to escape the trap, understand, discern and manage, how and why we think and feel, as well as, what we value or don't value, is life changing. When you understand the psychology behind your behavior, you will not white knuckle, in fact you will never have to feel an uncontrollable urge to use problematically again . It's never too early or too late to change your thinking and change your life. Let your emotions work for you instead of against you. This is called Emotional IQ.
Bottom line: I like myself sober more than drunk. This is the opposite of my entire adult life, up to six years ago. When you value your beliefs and yourself, you are no longer a victim. You learn to empower yourself with healthy behaviors. What other people say and do don't bother you. You can live a normal life with people.
When your values and purpose in life trump your addiction, there is no addiction.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Springer, Alanon is for YOU and is not about what your husband did or didn't do, or how bad you think things were for you in relation to what other people went through. It's about YOU and how you live YOUR life--it can show you new ways to see and understand things, different ways to handle life situations.
It may not be for you; it's not for everyone. Others find help in other ways. However you go about it, I'd strongly urge you to find some kind of help for yourself. Your husband has made it clear what he needs to do to maintain his sobriety and to grow in his recovery. Now it's your turn to find your own recovery.
Even though you say things weren't that bad while he was drinking, rest assured that they would have gotten that way, had he not sought help. You are fortunate that he stopped while he was still someone you could love and with whom you had enough trust to rebuild a relationship. For many of us, that's not how things worked out, and so we've learned what we needed to learn in order to move on.
It may not be for you; it's not for everyone. Others find help in other ways. However you go about it, I'd strongly urge you to find some kind of help for yourself. Your husband has made it clear what he needs to do to maintain his sobriety and to grow in his recovery. Now it's your turn to find your own recovery.
Even though you say things weren't that bad while he was drinking, rest assured that they would have gotten that way, had he not sought help. You are fortunate that he stopped while he was still someone you could love and with whom you had enough trust to rebuild a relationship. For many of us, that's not how things worked out, and so we've learned what we needed to learn in order to move on.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Springer......regardless of whether your husband is an alcoholic or not....every married person has the right to want a marriage that enriches their life, and, nurtures them....not just survive.....
In my opinion, lonliness should not be a prime effect of marriage.
You have a right to want a fulfilling marriage.....
You say that he had meetings 6 nights per week, for the first 6 years....how many does he attend for the last 5 years? What are things like when the two of you are together?
The reason that I ask is that some marriages do drift apart for a variety of reasons. Alcoholism is not the only reason....even marriages to alcoholics in recovery can have other reasons for the marriage growing apart.
Of course, I have no idea of the dynamics of your relationship, but, I do know that every relationship is unique unto itself.....
It is sad, I am sure, that you have lost your social connections...we all need social connections...as we are very social creatures, at baseline....
I am wondering if you have ever sought to develop your own social circle....social life aside from your husband's....
Even in the best marriages, each person does need some activities that are independent of the spouse....
***here is the sticky wicket....even with developing a separate social life....some couples STILL can drift apart....and, lose their intimate connections....
I would suggest that you might seek some counseling to help you to evaluate your situation...either with him or without him.....
I think you could use the support....
You say that he is a "good husband" otherwise....I am curious as to what ways you feel that he is a good husband....
We all have our own definition of "good", you know....lol....
In my opinion, lonliness should not be a prime effect of marriage.
You have a right to want a fulfilling marriage.....
You say that he had meetings 6 nights per week, for the first 6 years....how many does he attend for the last 5 years? What are things like when the two of you are together?
The reason that I ask is that some marriages do drift apart for a variety of reasons. Alcoholism is not the only reason....even marriages to alcoholics in recovery can have other reasons for the marriage growing apart.
Of course, I have no idea of the dynamics of your relationship, but, I do know that every relationship is unique unto itself.....
It is sad, I am sure, that you have lost your social connections...we all need social connections...as we are very social creatures, at baseline....
I am wondering if you have ever sought to develop your own social circle....social life aside from your husband's....
Even in the best marriages, each person does need some activities that are independent of the spouse....
***here is the sticky wicket....even with developing a separate social life....some couples STILL can drift apart....and, lose their intimate connections....
I would suggest that you might seek some counseling to help you to evaluate your situation...either with him or without him.....
I think you could use the support....
You say that he is a "good husband" otherwise....I am curious as to what ways you feel that he is a good husband....
We all have our own definition of "good", you know....lol....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 6
Dandylion, yea that comment ‘good’ is a bit vague, he’s a sweetheart, looks after me, looks out for me, feeds me, lol, I’m not a foodie and wouldn’t even think of looking after myself in ways he’d take for grated. We have stuff in common as in we both love travelling, being active, animals, After many years of working unsociable hours I’m changing jobs in a few months time which means il be in touch with more like minded people so I do plan to make my own social circle then as il have time to volunteer with an animal charity again also as someone else suggested maybe go back to Al Anon and might see it differently this time round. Just to comment on ‘white knuckling’ ?? I had to google that 🤔 he has definitely worked and is working the program, I’m wondering if I asked him to take me through it (study the steps ?) would it help me understand the need and the pull towards AA ?? Any opinions greatly appreciated, thanks again folks for taking the time for these replies.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
alanon has their own 12 steps - i suggest you look there and consider working the steps yourself. no one else can explain what the experience is like as it is unique to each person, their story, their personal landscape.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Springerspaniel…...do you actually do those things together, now? Are you traveling, doing physical activities together? Are you walking the dogs together, and changing the bird feeder together and watching the birds together?
How much time is he spending away from the home in AA activities...NOW?
Even though he cooks and feeds you, which is a nice thing, for sure....(lol...I have never been with a man who knew where the stove was located)….but, is the problem, maybe, in the intimacy?----shared thoughts and "pillow talk" as well as sexual/physical intimacy? could it be that he seems so bonded with his AA friends and shares his personal thoughts with them...so that you feel like he no longer "needs" you as an emotional partner?
I think that alanon would be fine...but, it is not , specifically, for your marriage....it is more for your own self examination and development....
Perhaps, in addition to alanon, some counseling would be helpful to explore the more subtle and elusive aspects of your relationship....alanon is not really for that.....
There is an interesting book that has been around for many years, but, is still a classic.....It is very thought provoking and interesting to read...it is an easy read.....and, I think would apply to anyone who is in a relationship.....
I think it would be fun for the two of you to read it together and compare notes.....
It is called "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman...…
Some more questions....Do you ever, secretly, feel jealous of AA? Do you ever feel like you are not "special" to him, anymore? Do you feel like you have been somewhat displaced by his AA friends and connections, in his life? Like you should have been "enough" for him.....
How much time is he spending away from the home in AA activities...NOW?
Even though he cooks and feeds you, which is a nice thing, for sure....(lol...I have never been with a man who knew where the stove was located)….but, is the problem, maybe, in the intimacy?----shared thoughts and "pillow talk" as well as sexual/physical intimacy? could it be that he seems so bonded with his AA friends and shares his personal thoughts with them...so that you feel like he no longer "needs" you as an emotional partner?
I think that alanon would be fine...but, it is not , specifically, for your marriage....it is more for your own self examination and development....
Perhaps, in addition to alanon, some counseling would be helpful to explore the more subtle and elusive aspects of your relationship....alanon is not really for that.....
There is an interesting book that has been around for many years, but, is still a classic.....It is very thought provoking and interesting to read...it is an easy read.....and, I think would apply to anyone who is in a relationship.....
I think it would be fun for the two of you to read it together and compare notes.....
It is called "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman...…
Some more questions....Do you ever, secretly, feel jealous of AA? Do you ever feel like you are not "special" to him, anymore? Do you feel like you have been somewhat displaced by his AA friends and connections, in his life? Like you should have been "enough" for him.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 6
Dandylion,
you hit the nail in the head there, especially during those first 6 years I thought he had no need for me whatsoever. To be fair he goes to maybe 2 meetings a week now as when I said I couldn’t stay when we had nothing in common (that was all those years ago) he cut back a lot, a change of jobs helped too as he was very stressed for a while back then, i feel the damage of those 6 years is what I need to get over. I try but every so often that awful feeling returns. it’s like it won’t get out if my head. We do all of those things together except as you put it, the pillow talk 😏, so yea maybe some counselling, throw myself a pity party and get over it,
you hit the nail in the head there, especially during those first 6 years I thought he had no need for me whatsoever. To be fair he goes to maybe 2 meetings a week now as when I said I couldn’t stay when we had nothing in common (that was all those years ago) he cut back a lot, a change of jobs helped too as he was very stressed for a while back then, i feel the damage of those 6 years is what I need to get over. I try but every so often that awful feeling returns. it’s like it won’t get out if my head. We do all of those things together except as you put it, the pillow talk 😏, so yea maybe some counselling, throw myself a pity party and get over it,
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Springerspaniel…...2 AA meetings per week does not sound excessive for an alcoholic who is working his recovery program. In fact, it is essential to never fall away from the AA connection and principles. Oh yeah, I definitely suggest counseling...because it sounds li ke you were traumatized....and still feel like you are less special to him than you would like to be.
This sort of thing is not unusual for couples in their middle ages, who have been together for a long time.....It is a shame to not get some help and support for it.....it could make a world of difference.....
LOl...Pity parties are not much help with this kind of issue....
Also, don't minimize the importance of your feelings.....! Feelings are important and they matter a lot.....
This sort of thing is not unusual for couples in their middle ages, who have been together for a long time.....It is a shame to not get some help and support for it.....it could make a world of difference.....
LOl...Pity parties are not much help with this kind of issue....
Also, don't minimize the importance of your feelings.....! Feelings are important and they matter a lot.....
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Do you miss his drinking and the things that came with that.. i.e.. Xmas parties with friends,bars,few drinks with friends at dinners, ECT? Seems odd to me that you'd "lose your social circle" by him going to AA. Your social circle is just that.. your's. I could be completely off base here but, reads like you should get some interests/hobbies going on for yourself. Sure it's great to do things together but, it's equally important to have a life 'outside' of others.
Edit: my bad.. I see that was already asked and answered. My reading skills are lacking. 😁
Edit: my bad.. I see that was already asked and answered. My reading skills are lacking. 😁
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 6
Hi DontRemember
we did and still do also have our own hobbies, him scuba diving and swimming, me anything to do with animals really but yes what I called our social circle I suppose is a trip to ‘the local’ a chat, crack with locals, I missed that most, not for the actual drinking though. My ‘relationship’ with alcohol is an in-house joke, bottle of wine lasts 3 nights while the end if it goes down the drain and somewhere in between I get a headache, probably why for a long time I didn’t realise or understand that AA is forever.
we did and still do also have our own hobbies, him scuba diving and swimming, me anything to do with animals really but yes what I called our social circle I suppose is a trip to ‘the local’ a chat, crack with locals, I missed that most, not for the actual drinking though. My ‘relationship’ with alcohol is an in-house joke, bottle of wine lasts 3 nights while the end if it goes down the drain and somewhere in between I get a headache, probably why for a long time I didn’t realise or understand that AA is forever.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,647
So I take it your Husband doesn't like to be around alcohol anymore and a trip to the local is out of the question?
Have you discussed any of this with him? Maybe some brainstorming on how you can have those types of group get-togethers without going to the pub? Invite them over, have a BBQ in the snow? And come up with other ideas as well to expand your social life.
It just might be that your approach to socializing needs some tweaking. It's all good to have your own interests but you ARE a couple and sounds like you need more couple time.
This shouldn't be foreign to him, recovering alcoholics are encouraged to adjust their social life to fit in with their new sober life. Maybe he has just not looked at the couple aspect of that?
Have you discussed any of this with him? Maybe some brainstorming on how you can have those types of group get-togethers without going to the pub? Invite them over, have a BBQ in the snow? And come up with other ideas as well to expand your social life.
It just might be that your approach to socializing needs some tweaking. It's all good to have your own interests but you ARE a couple and sounds like you need more couple time.
This shouldn't be foreign to him, recovering alcoholics are encouraged to adjust their social life to fit in with their new sober life. Maybe he has just not looked at the couple aspect of that?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Springerspaniel…..I'll admit that I am spitballing, a bit, here......but, what I am gathering--wondering if what you are missing is true intimacy.....I am going on what you have shared, thus far....
I think it is possible...even with those who have lots of acquaintences….to still be lonely....
Lonliness is washed away by forming bonds of connections with others...at a more personal and intimate level than just friendly acquaintenship….
It begins with trusting another enough to share some of your tender white underbelly with another person....a place where we are vulnerable. This in turn, invites another to share their tender underbelly, back. This allows close and intimate bonding. Of course, this is usually even more pronounced with a partner or spouse....and, includes a dimension of physical intimacy and sharing, also....
I am wondering if this strikes a chord, for you....?
I think it is possible...even with those who have lots of acquaintences….to still be lonely....
Lonliness is washed away by forming bonds of connections with others...at a more personal and intimate level than just friendly acquaintenship….
It begins with trusting another enough to share some of your tender white underbelly with another person....a place where we are vulnerable. This in turn, invites another to share their tender underbelly, back. This allows close and intimate bonding. Of course, this is usually even more pronounced with a partner or spouse....and, includes a dimension of physical intimacy and sharing, also....
I am wondering if this strikes a chord, for you....?
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