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If I can- you can too

Old 12-07-2019, 10:34 PM
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If I can- you can too


As the end of the year approaches, i am pinching myself as I reflect on how different my life and home is, than earlier this year.

I was with AH for 15yrs & for the last few years, I dreaded his company. I despised Friday afternoons coming home for the weekend. I didnít know what the weekend would bring, but I could almost guarantee there would be drinking & mood swings & he would demand my attention like a toddler. My child seemed to have similar feelings, Ďoh no, dadís home... why canít dad go back to work?í It was exhausting & I felt trapped because we had little kids & as much as I tried to distract them going on frequent outings- they still witnessed more dysfunction than Iíd like to admit. I felt stuck because I didnít want to leave them potentially unsupervised in his care.

I left AH mid year, I planned for months and set a date and stuck to it. I stashed cash away, got legal advise from 2 lawyers, bought stuff for a new home on the sly & gathered al the important papers Iíd need for divorce. I also became very aware of what my future financial implications would be- I made a decision to downgrade my car to fund my divorce. For me, breaking my goal down into small tasks made it achievable & before I knew it- it was time. My immediate safety was not at risk, so I had time to prepare

AH has gradually accepted my decisions & has chosen recovery recently. Itís too late for me, but I wish him well with that. I have some custody/ legal issues to work through & itís stressful, but itís much easier to handle when my home environment is calm

The Holidays used to be terrible time at home. I would dread when AH would take time off work because I knew drinking would escalate to all day/night and I felt I had to Ďpretendí we were a happy family amongst the usual social events that would happen in December & January. It took me a long time to fully come out of denial and accept my living situation & it was up to me to change it for the benefit of my mental health & he kids childhood. Al-Anon was not an option for me because of distance, so I came on the SR and would cling on to some of the phrases- Ďlet go or be draggedí, Ďnothing changes if nothing changesí and others that reminded me that I had choices. I could change my life direction at any time! It was empowering & im forever grateful to the members who contribute their time & energy

Iím so glad to chose to live authentically. In full disclosure, there have been hard times of grief & adjustment since separation, but itís all been worth it to be in this position. I walked away from a beautiful massive home, said goodbye to overseas travel every year & other financial sacrifices, my furniture is mostly secondhand, but my home is now a safe & happy space. My kid still says every week, ĎI love our new homeí. That is PRICELESS. I will rebuild my finances, but even if I donít achieve the same level- itís ok. I know whatís important in life & luxuries ainít it

In recent months, Iíve struggled to occupy my free time with constructive things- my life isnít revolving around an alcoholic & Iíve realised I lost my identity & I need to get to know myself again. I would like to continue to work on myself, because I have many issues I donít want to pass onto my kids.

My advice- dare to dream what you want your life to look life in a years time. Make small changes in that direction & find Ďpocketsí of joy amongst the chaos- go out for a picnic, see friends, etc.

Sorry for the ramble. I hope someone finds it helpful



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Old 12-07-2019, 11:46 PM
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Reflecting .... Thank you for this beautiful post of hope and joy. This is a difficult time of year for so many whose lives have been upturned by alcohol. It's so lovely to read stories like yours that show that there is life after an alcoholic marriage. All the best to you
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Old 12-08-2019, 02:53 AM
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reflecting, thank you for that wonderful post. It's so uplifting to hear what others have accomplished. Thanks for taking the time and effort to make your post; I know that when I was newer here, stories like that were like a lighthouse shining in the storm to me.

May you and your child have a peaceful holiday season, full of gratitude and love!
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Old 12-08-2019, 03:25 AM
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Thanks for the warm welcome back to SR

The kids and I put the Christmas tree up the other day and I cried happy tears... itís been many years since that tradition wasnít ruined by alcoholic behaviour. Itís the simple things.

It will be my first time without the children on Christmas Day (they will be with AH & family), but by golly I will be enjoying every moment leading up to it

Big hugs to everyone one going through a rough time at home. Hoping you can find some moments of calm & joy. Merry Christmas all
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Old 12-08-2019, 04:27 AM
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reflecting, your post is most definitely helpful!

This will be my first Christmas alone (without ah) You are spot on about giving up the ďluxuriesĒ. My finances are in total chaos right now and I have been extremely worried/stressing over it. My kids have made it clear that as long as weíre together and happy, with full bellies ha ha, it will be a wonderful, peaceful Christmas. Weíre having a cookie decorating party with family and friends next week! Gotta make a triple batch of great gramas sugar cookies ❤️

Thank you for posting, Iím glad I read this today as a gentle reminder to keep following my own path. One day at a time

Happy Holidays to you and your family!
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Old 12-08-2019, 07:36 AM
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reflecting,
What a wonderful update post! Thank you for coming back to share it.Your message shines through so brightly I am sure you are giving hope to some very overwhelmed people. What a precious gift to give this holiday season.

The holidays are still a struggle for me ... but I will gladly take a rough few weeks of holiday blues over a year filled with being married to an alcoholic.

Heath and Happiness to you and yours. *hugs*
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Old 12-08-2019, 03:27 PM
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I love this positivity! I feel the same. I sometimes get down, and start thinking about the beautiful home I had just built and never got to live in. The beautiful property it was on. I am here in this tiny old house, on a giant hill with no yard. But you know what, a little paint and some Pinterest goes a long way. And I am truly happy 95% of the time. The only times I feel anxious are when I think about financial struggles which will eventually get better once I am free from AH, and when he quacks. I try my best to focus on me and my children and the future. So happy you are able to do the same ❤️
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Old 12-09-2019, 04:11 AM
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Wow!! Needed to hear that as I prepare to give up my big house... of unhappiness.
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Old 12-09-2019, 06:01 AM
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Reflecting,

I'm glad things have turned around for you. You sound like you have found a happy place in your heart and for your kids and your self. I can imagine it took a lot of courage and strength to do all you did. You did it the best way one bit at a time. Knowing that you had an end goal and sticking to it. You should be proud of yourself. keep being strong and hope you have a beautiful day.
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Old 12-09-2019, 10:27 AM
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Needed to read this. Thank you
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Old 12-09-2019, 10:32 AM
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Good for you! You are an inspiration. Thanks for sharing your story, and best wishes for a joyful holiday!
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Old 12-14-2019, 05:17 PM
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What a nice post , reflecting. Take your time and the real you will gradually come back. It's so scary when you first leave, but in time the peace outweighs it all.
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Old 12-14-2019, 08:11 PM
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Thank you SO much for this. You have spoken directly to my heart.
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Old 12-14-2019, 08:30 PM
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Amazing! Beautiful! Brave!

Mental health, peace of mind, freedom, reality.
Thank you for this great inspiring post!
Peace,
B
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