trailmix

Well I appreciate your update Schne! I'm sorry it didn't go well but I hope you are doing ok and taking good care of yourself.

I think I have a pretty good idea why people read and don't post (I was one of them for a long time).

We actually care, as you do and an update is always appreciated. What I was really trying to get across is that everyone here is valuable.

I was reading a thread yesterday that was, say, 7 years old or so and there were many replies from many different people in it - with a great range of helpful suggestions and experience. I guess I just really hope people know how much their contribution means and how many they help and thought maybe not everyone believes that?

strength4all

Schne

pdm22

^ Just recently I spoke to a long time friend about our crazy siblings stuff (which I haven't shared too much on here about, but it exists). We’ve know each other since we were 12 (now in our 40s), so she’s known my sibling since that time, and I’ve known hers since she was born. Basically what we do is just tell each other what’s happening. No advice, and it doesn’t change the situations, or anything like that- but just the listening, and having someone else know what’s going on, in and of itself made us both feel better. Really, you just never know what someone might find helpful. I personally find shared stories to be helpful in general.

Seren

I would never expect any member to participate on SR in a certain way because I've seen so many different kinds of posts over the years. Some members don't stick around for a variety of reasons. Their anonymity has been compromised, they are embarrassed, they are very busy.

I've learned so much since joining SR just by reading the threads--even the one-hit wonders, lol! I think a community like SR has a lot to offer those of us who have known the chaos and anguish that comes from caring about someone who suffers from addiction. I hope everyone feels welcome here and does not feel like they are expected to participate in a way that, perhaps, they simply cannot.

This month, I will have been a member of SR for 11 years. More than half of those years, I have been a Mod. I am still here because I believe in the power of this community to change lives. I'm proud to be a small part of that.

trailmix

Well luckily I don't think I have ever seen anyone put any pressure on anyone to participate!

It's funny, thinking back. When I was just reading SR for a few months, I decided to finally make a few small posts because I wanted to play the arcade games (well in particular tetrus haha) and you need like 15 posts or 5 or something before you can play.

(for those not familiar there is an Arcade link on the tool bar at the top of the page).

So that was my introduction to posting at SR.

Emmalyn

I've been on this site for forever it seems. I had to have my original username deleted because of an abusive ex.. yeah.. I have had two horrible relationships in my lifetime.

I got sad seeing people not getting better. I still read faithfully but never felt like I had any wisdom to share, for that matter, I felt so depleted it was hard sharing at all.

You know, I remember a time where there was a poster that was in an unbelieveable situation.. her name was pink champagne or something like that.. don't quote me.. but I thought she had to be a troll and for some reason it incensed me. That people like that would use a place like this for some kind of sick thrill. That had me gone for quite a while.. everything she posted triggered rage in me!! Yeah, I was not in a good place.

That being said, don't know what I would do without you guys now.

E

DiggingForFire

Sleepyhollo

I lurk more than I post and then I go in spurts with posting. Sometimes it is just too much work to log in to post lol.
I came here about a year after my XRAH went to rehab. I really wish I had found this place a lot sooner, we’ll before he had gone to rehab because it would have helped me not feel so alone. There is a lot f good stuff on here I think and most people tell it like it is. I have noticed a few posters over time that come here for advice and then don’t like to hear the hard truth and they never come back, at least not to post. I have a friend who is a bit of a disaster (not addiction related at all) with her ex boyfriend that she keeps going back to (at least she has her own place ) to hook up while she also had another boyfriend. She goes to counseling and we talk a lot. She is so afraid to be alone. Now that I can see the dysfunction so clearly it is so hard not to just shake some sense into her. It is painful how she keeps hurting herself over and over again. But I’m there for her, I give her my very honest opinion but also tell her that she is an adult and ultimately no one can make her do anything. I see so much of my old behavior in her it is painful to watch. People are going to hear what’s they want to hear until they are ready to get out. But in the meantime I hope that they still learn from all of our experiences and that, even if it takes a lot of time, they finally realize we’re not here to to be Debbie downers. I honestly don’t know if i would have left any sooner it I had found this place earlier because it isn’t always easy to leave a relationship even if it is bad. I think it takes time for people to accept what is really going on and to come to terms with it. And for some people it takes a lot more time than others. I kind of feel that the people that come her for the proverbial hair pats but then don’t want to really listen to or hear our advice are kind of like addicts that are just not ready to quit. And I think others once they have left a bad relationship with an addict maybe just want to move on and « forget » about it as much as possible.
It does seem like there are plenty of people who come here and really hear what everyone has to say and take it as constructive criticism so to speak, it helps them hearing from people that have been there and they take the advice given here. I think so many of us have so many doubts when we’re in deep with an addicted partner that we need to hear basically the same story from many different people to realize we are not crazy and that our feeling and concerns are very valid and legit as well as understanding how alcoholics are so manipulative. I do wonder sometimes about what’s going on with the people that come here with one post and then disappear. I hope they come back here and keep reading anyway even if they don’t post.
My XRAH is 3 years sober and we’re divorced but I still feel like there are things I take away from here from time to time. Mostly I just like to share my experiences in the hopes that it will help someone at least a little bit. I know I really appreciated having someone to talk to who had been there done that, because none of my friends really get it as they have not experienced it. They were supportive but they cannot relate.

hopeful4

I think some people leave because they get busy, etc. I know I have had to step back myself many times just because it can all be very triggering. SR has helped me immensely, and I hope I pay that forward any time I can.

Big hugs to all.

Florence

I read for a long time before I began posting. I knew what people were going to say to me and that I wasn't entirely ready to hear it - and thus I was prickly about it (especially as given from the straight-talkers) - but I also could not continue to navigate this awful marriage to an alcoholic, eight months pregnant, without some kind of community support. In short, everything I was doing on my own kept blowing up in my face, and without a lot of Al-Anon support in my area, this forum was a good option for me.

I posted and read here daily through my divorce (2014 or so), and I learned a ton during that time. One of the things that strikes me is that while we are all individuals dealing with individual addicts, our stories repeat over and over again. With time, I was observing real patterns emerge among us F&F and began to realize that my story also fit in that pattern. We aren't individual snowflakes beyond the help of AA and Al-Anon, it turned out - a reason I and I XAH previously avoided support groups - and there was a lot of wisdom here being shared for free. I also saw that there were patterns of "success" that I could choose. Did I want to stay with XAH and accept all the baggage and toxicity that went with it? Or did I want to go it alone and have a house that was safe and free of lies and deception to raise my children in? I chose the latter, and I am endlessly grateful to the people here brave enough to share their stories because it helped me choose my story too.

I dip in and out. Over time I have realized that while I long left "my A," I still have a lot of codependent and reactive tendencies, and when those are ramping up I often float back to these forums and read at length. I find that the many aphorisms that people say here are helpful to me somehow - which is hilarious because if you knew me in real life that would really surprise you.

• Don't JADE: Justify, argue, defend, explain.
• Let go or be dragged
• Let it begin with me

I also saw other people say things that turned out to be true. That if I let go of him, he wasn't going to get better - he wasn't going to magically leave me and then go be healthy with some other woman, which is a wild fear that many of us share in hindsight - he was just going to secure new enablers. That's exactly what he did. I was advised to stop listening to his words (a thing I still struggle with) and start looking at his actions. What does he do when he's not being observed? He drinks. He drinks and says he's sober. His eyes will be rolled into the back of his head, wasted, and will tell you he's sober. And you, girl, don't have to argue with or believe him.

These lessons followed me into the rest of my life too. I was able to use them to help me with my troubled relationships with my messy FOO, and also in the workplace where I had been struggling to get a good, solid job that used my talents. I mean really, this group plus therapy (three good years of it with a fantastic therapist) saved/changed my life categorically.

Eventually I was able to take a step back and say: What about this chronically employed alcoholic was so attractive to me, exactly? Why am I content to be miserable in this relationship over being alone but safe, or with someone who was less "exciting" that I could trust? What about this whole fiasco did I find exciting anyway? Also: How can I change my life so I never do this to my kids again?

Something I learned here very quickly is that while the "supportive voices" felt nice, the people who were telling their own stories in response to mine were giving me the most solid advice. Instead of saying, you're awesome/ignore the haters/whatever, they were saying, when presented with a similar problem here is what worked for me. Also, people who modeled appropriate reactions to some of the most outrageous alcoholic stories helped me realized how numb I was to how bad so much of what my XAH was doing: when he left me, eight months pregnant and emptied the bank account and I was here saying he was a good guy, a couple of people said to me, he's not a ******* good guy, good guys don't do that. That was appropriate and helped me understand that I was letting him off the hook, and helped me question why I kept letting this behavior go instead of standing up for myself.

Not everyone posting here is going to be ready to hear feedback about their most vulnerable selves. And honestly, I think reading/writing is a way to communicate that isn't awesome for everyone - some people are just better in person and get more out of face time. I'm great at written communication so this always worked well for me, but ymmv. I agree that folks are using apps like Reddit and even Instagram over old school web forums, so it's unclear how much traffic this site will continue to get - which makes me sad because there is so much labor and wisdom embedded here, but so it goes. And you know, we're not at our healthiest when we start posting here - we are inherently erratic, stressed, sad, generally not our best selves firing on all cylinders.

Florence

Also want to say that the posters that really trigger me are the ones who keep justifying why they're going to stay in a terrible/dangerous situation. I have had to make a decision to leave that stuff alone because I behave terribly - and I can't help or persuade them anyway.

Sasha1972

I've found this forum immensely helpful and informative. When I first came to SR, the amazing thing was the familiarity - all the misery and craziness that I thought was unique to my own situation turns out to be not unique at all, and in fact so common that there are acronyms and abbreviations and nicknames for it. And now I see the same thing in the stories of people who have joined the board after me.

For me, part of resilience ( I don't love the term "recovery" because I don't think I'm sick) is using the negative experiences I've gone through to try to do something positive, or help other people. This makes me feel less like a victim and more like someone who ha something to contribute to the world. So I try to keep updating my own story as well as commenting on others'. I've been slightly embarrassed about how many times I've posted - I wonder if others are looking at the number of posts beside my name and thinking "does she actually have a life?" (I do! Really!).

My alcoholic ex is dead now, so my situation is different from people who are still struggling with what to do about an alcoholic spouse, parent, child, sibling etc. But the journey doesn't stop when the addict does - so that's what I can contribute now.

honeypig

I think this is really important, Sasha--I know that in my early days, I wanted my AH to get sober so I could go back to "normal." I am about 99.9% sure that if he had stopped drinking, I'd never have pursued my own growth and healing; I'd have continued on in my same rut.

Realizing that my own recovery/resilience is really truly NOT part of anyone else's journey, and that it really truly does NOT depend on what anyone else says or does, was huge for me. And that's what I wish I could convey to the newbie who wonders if they still need Alanon if the A is no longer in their life. Leaving a relationship w/an A isn't like getting a splinter out of your finger--you don't just remove the offending object and then everything is hunky dory soon enough. There is so much more to it! And your posts are certainly proof of that...

pdm22

One thing I wanted to mention, which I learned as I’ve been going along myself in these various groups and supportive communities, and I didn’t elaborate on in my previous reply to this, is you don’t know who is or isn’t a trauma survivor. I’ll just put his here because I think it's good info, and I think both people struggling with addictions, as well people in dysfunctional relationships, oftentimes have this as a root cause of the suffering, and may or may not know it (yet). I learned this myself when I was younger, that although there are certainly more similarities that differences in this stuff, the “tough love” approach is not what’s best for everyone, especially for survivors of trauma, who are probably already blaming themselves for whatever happened to them, and they might be reacting negatively to this approach for good reason.

Also, although I don’t really get triggered by things I read that much anymore (boy did I used to!), if I feel that happening, my rule of thumb is don’t read the things that trigger me (or keep replying to someone who is roadblocking and not listening, for that matter). Replying when triggered, or reading things that trigger you, really doesn’t serve anyone anyways.

At any rate, here’s an article on PTSD and the “tough love” approach (and this would be true for the survivors of ongoing long term child abuse/ trauma/ Complex PTSD also):

https://ptsdchat.org/2016/06/13/want...-end-spectrum/

dandylion

pdm…...Good article. Thanks!

dandylion

This is an Oldie but Goodie thread. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

It is worth reading, I think.

Bute

A very good read.
I joined this forum over 4 years ago. At that time, I was well on my way of my own journey, of dealing with my sons addiction. For me, it was and is, important to bolster my resolve, keep it strong and tight, so that it lessens the chance of me returning to the nervous wreck, fearful of the future, person I had became.
It's sad, as alot of forums I looked at, although still available to join, no one had posted for a long time. That prevented me joining them, as there's no point if no one posts. I think that is another good reason to post, if we can relate to something or just to let the person know they have been "heard" - there are people out there, looking for support, and they need to see that it's an active forum.
No matter how far we are in our own journey, there are always people just commencing on theirs. The difference it makes, when you are acknowledged by others who have shared similar experiences, can make a big difference to how you cope with the challenges you face.
I do understand that some people may want to move on, and leave all things related to addiction, behind. Sometimes, I can be very blunt, and it may not be an acceptable way to post. I have a tendency to "say it like I see it", but I can be diplomatic too.
I had to learn to NOT become frustrated when others would would appear to be going round in circles, doing the same thing, and nothing changing. People learn and change in their own time, and if they want it.
Much Love
Bute x

edoering

I know I have had to step in and out of those group conscientiously for a couple different reasons. I remind myself to step in when it’s been a while the same way I used to watch my AXH get his butt to a meeting when it’d been too long. I know that in many ways it’s when we get complacent and don’t refresh our tools that we can fall back on old patterns. I remember the old NA adage “we keep what we have by giving it away.” And especially, I know I learn best by having to share what I’ve learned with someone else.

However, sometimes I make myself step away, particularly when I can feel checking these boards become like a compulsion or obsession. When I’m checking these boards because I can’t stop thinking about my AXH, and in a weird way I feel connected to him again when here, then I know I need to step back. Go live my own life. Not let this become an inappropriate crutch or fixation.

Sometimes, I need to stay away for a while as I process that. It’s not intended to be withholding or selfish, but it is what I need. You know?

Kokoro

I was meant to reply to this thread with a slightly longer answer but never managed to!

I still think that unfortunately old style forum boards are less used thanks to reddit so traffic overall will reduce over time. It's a bit of a catch 22; noone posts, less people reply, even less people post etc

I too am guilty of not posting regularly. Whilst I was with my ex it was partly embarassment that I had taken him back which I needed to come to terms with which stopped me from posting. I had kept quiet about it in real life too so it was not just you all.

It's nothing to do with the forum but I felt I also needed to make the decision regarding him "on my own" and not get swayed by anyone else no matter how well meaning. I think I partly kept going with the relationship when I first found out he had a problem due to family pressure to settle down. I did not want any decision I made to be someone else's decision this time around.

Now that my ex has gone, I plan to drop in now and again to pay it forward but one thing I have taken away from all this is actually learning to look out for myself more. For me coming here regularly would be just holding onto the past which would not be good for me. There is a point, as someone said, you need to hop off the therapy boat. Just my two cents x