little better every day
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 4
little better every day
Hi and thank you for having me 
I am three weeks out of an on again off again relationship with an alcoholic for the past 7 years.
And I can relate to everyone on here and their stories. What started out as a fun time later turned into waking up to him drinking on the couch at 3am . Watching him go through the shakes and sweats in the morning because his body is going through withdrawal and blaming it on anxiety. I have been cheated on when he was going through a binge week, I have been lied to way too many times to count. I have left in hopes that there would be this lightbulb moment for it never to come. I have been pushed to the side because drinking takes the front seat to anything and everything. I sit and ask myself the why? I watched my parents both alcoholics fight, cheat, and drink themselves into bad health and death. It made no sense to me why I ended up with somebody who had the same disease I grew up with. I have listened to the empty promises of when he decided to dry up only to see him take to the bottle again and again. I have watched him lose his job to disability only to take his alcoholism to the next level and his choice to sit in a bar all day and then come home and drink more every day. I have been stood up because he needed to "nap" which is code for sleeping it off because he's already had 10 beers by 3pm.
I have continued to fall for the lies, the sweet talk, the lack of boundaries because he feels he is owed something just for the simple fact that he is he.
I have watched him starve himself for weeks because the booze does not make him hungry. I have been an enabler. I am stuck in the pattern of leaving him to only go back a few months later. We stopped living together years ago, this has saved my sanity to a point. However we have never lived more than a couple doors down from each other. Moving is not an option. I am numb to the situation, and slowly getting over the addiction that was enabling him. I no longer accept messages from him, even though still deep in my heart I look for the light that blinks on the phone hoping that it is him. I know like the alcoholic recovery for the enabler is just as time consuming and I take it day by day. I know eventually that he will no longer rent space in my head but right now he's still a squatter in my brain.
Thank you for listening
I am three weeks out of an on again off again relationship with an alcoholic for the past 7 years.
And I can relate to everyone on here and their stories. What started out as a fun time later turned into waking up to him drinking on the couch at 3am . Watching him go through the shakes and sweats in the morning because his body is going through withdrawal and blaming it on anxiety. I have been cheated on when he was going through a binge week, I have been lied to way too many times to count. I have left in hopes that there would be this lightbulb moment for it never to come. I have been pushed to the side because drinking takes the front seat to anything and everything. I sit and ask myself the why? I watched my parents both alcoholics fight, cheat, and drink themselves into bad health and death. It made no sense to me why I ended up with somebody who had the same disease I grew up with. I have listened to the empty promises of when he decided to dry up only to see him take to the bottle again and again. I have watched him lose his job to disability only to take his alcoholism to the next level and his choice to sit in a bar all day and then come home and drink more every day. I have been stood up because he needed to "nap" which is code for sleeping it off because he's already had 10 beers by 3pm.
I have continued to fall for the lies, the sweet talk, the lack of boundaries because he feels he is owed something just for the simple fact that he is he.
I have watched him starve himself for weeks because the booze does not make him hungry. I have been an enabler. I am stuck in the pattern of leaving him to only go back a few months later. We stopped living together years ago, this has saved my sanity to a point. However we have never lived more than a couple doors down from each other. Moving is not an option. I am numb to the situation, and slowly getting over the addiction that was enabling him. I no longer accept messages from him, even though still deep in my heart I look for the light that blinks on the phone hoping that it is him. I know like the alcoholic recovery for the enabler is just as time consuming and I take it day by day. I know eventually that he will no longer rent space in my head but right now he's still a squatter in my brain.
Thank you for listening
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Hi Geneva, welcome. Well, that sound like hell. I'm sorry you have been through all of that.
I'm glad you have read around and found posts that you can relate to. There is no easy way to get off that crazy train except to stay off the train!
I really, really hope you do. You deserve so much more than this. His treatment of you is truly horrendous.
There is a book that is often recommended here, Codependent no more, by Melody Beattie. I really hope you will get your hands on a copy. I'm not saying whether you are codependent or not, I don't know! But it's full of good information, especially on boundaries.
Also, as an ACOA (adult child of and Alcoholic) it's kind of not surprising that you ended up in such a dysfunctional relationship. Isn't that what you grew up with? We all know that type of relationship IS dysfunctional, we aren't blind, but it's really kind of your comfort zone, it's what you knew for years. As horrible and undesirable as it is, it's kind of comforting in some ways perhaps?
There is help for ACOAs and meetings too, also there is Al-Anon, I hope you will look them up and attend, you will no doubt find it comforting.
I hope you will never look back at this relationship, as in, please keep no-contact. There is no hope there, no happiness, no joy, nothing for you. You are not just an enabler, you are just propping this guy up for nothing, you can't be getting anything good out of this?
Something that may not be thought about often is how destructive this is for you. Sure he is an alcoholic and has a HUGE problem, and that is a shame but you are the recipient of the anger and frustration and being ignored and he cheated on you. This affects you and your self esteem, self worth, your mental well-being, happiness.
It's time for you to look after yourself and protect yourself. Have you got him blocked on your phone at all? Have his number blocked? What are you doing to protect yourself from him?
It probably sounds a bit foreign to you to hear the word protect? He's been abusing you for years, it's time to put up some armour and look after yourself perhaps?
I hope you will keep posting.
I'm glad you have read around and found posts that you can relate to. There is no easy way to get off that crazy train except to stay off the train!
I really, really hope you do. You deserve so much more than this. His treatment of you is truly horrendous.
There is a book that is often recommended here, Codependent no more, by Melody Beattie. I really hope you will get your hands on a copy. I'm not saying whether you are codependent or not, I don't know! But it's full of good information, especially on boundaries.
Also, as an ACOA (adult child of and Alcoholic) it's kind of not surprising that you ended up in such a dysfunctional relationship. Isn't that what you grew up with? We all know that type of relationship IS dysfunctional, we aren't blind, but it's really kind of your comfort zone, it's what you knew for years. As horrible and undesirable as it is, it's kind of comforting in some ways perhaps?
There is help for ACOAs and meetings too, also there is Al-Anon, I hope you will look them up and attend, you will no doubt find it comforting.
I hope you will never look back at this relationship, as in, please keep no-contact. There is no hope there, no happiness, no joy, nothing for you. You are not just an enabler, you are just propping this guy up for nothing, you can't be getting anything good out of this?
Something that may not be thought about often is how destructive this is for you. Sure he is an alcoholic and has a HUGE problem, and that is a shame but you are the recipient of the anger and frustration and being ignored and he cheated on you. This affects you and your self esteem, self worth, your mental well-being, happiness.
It's time for you to look after yourself and protect yourself. Have you got him blocked on your phone at all? Have his number blocked? What are you doing to protect yourself from him?
It probably sounds a bit foreign to you to hear the word protect? He's been abusing you for years, it's time to put up some armour and look after yourself perhaps?
I hope you will keep posting.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 4
Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. Yes I am looking into going to meetings in my town. I feel at this point they'd be helpful. Yes I have fully blocked him. Being that we live in the same building I am very careful not to bump into him. I know not the healthiest for me but moving is not an option. Maybe in the future. I think the biggest struggle I have is that my xab likes to tell people how crazy I am. He gaslights because that's all he knows. Then I have to go through damage control. He thrives on the drama, and gets satisfaction when people fully agree with him and his rants. I know that he will not get help nor do I care at this moment in time. I thought he'd have an epiphany moment when his friend died of alcohol related illness but if anything it made it worse. He is content with the way his life is and always will be. Gone from one addiction (coke) and substituted for another (alcohol). If he quits drinking it will probably be the prescription pain killers he is prescribed. It is just in his dna to be addicted to something. I am fully aware of the term triggered. Lundy Bancrofts books are a vast wealth of knowledge in abusers. I will look into the recommended reading you provided. I think at this point choosing not to be with a FA in itself is breaking an addiction. Little bit every day.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
People that would actually believe him aren't to be trusted or worried about. Those who look past the facade already know what he's doing? People tend to go along with an alcoholic's diatribe because it's so much easier sometimes (when you are not actually involved with them).
Living in the same building is not great but I totally get that moving is sometimes just not an option right away. I wouldn't even be worried about bumping in to him, you can walk right by. It's your building too! Maybe it's time to take back your space.
How are you doing in general, holding up ok?
Living in the same building is not great but I totally get that moving is sometimes just not an option right away. I wouldn't even be worried about bumping in to him, you can walk right by. It's your building too! Maybe it's time to take back your space.
How are you doing in general, holding up ok?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Geneva.....I fully endorse trailmix's suggeston….for reading "Co-dependent No More". It is the most recommended book on this forum. It is a classic and an easy read...I think you will really relate to it. You can get a copy..or a used copy on amazon.co,....or the library.
Also, go to alanon, if you have any meetings in your area. You can find a lot of validation and comfort, there. It, also helps with the lonliness….
****The following suggestion is especially for you---since you grew up in an alcoholic home. Do, by all means, become familiar with the group..."Adult Children of Alcoholics".....They have meetings, similar to alanon….but, there may or may not have meetings in your area. IN ANY CASE....please avail yourself of their literature and their "Big Book"....You will find their literature on amazon.com...in the book section....Just type in..."Adult Children of Alcoholics".....you will find a lot of material.
I am sure t hat you will get a lot out of studying their material....as, being raised in an alcoholic home has probably affected you in ways that you are not even aware of! It always does. You can still go to al alanon, of course, and study their materials...
because, they are not, at all, in conflict with each other....
You should have m ore time for reflection and study, now....
Knowledge is power.
Geneva....I think it is important for you to realize that you will need to make some lifestyle changes, of your own.....beginning with baby steps, of course.
I think changes in lifestyle are your greatest insurances to caving and goin back to him in a few months.....
I sure do relate to wanting the phone to ring.....
It will take you some more time to get past that...it is hard to break the kind of bonding with him that you have developed....
The more time that passes, combined with life changes, for you, will help you move onto new chapters, in your life.....
You have suffered enough and paid enough price.....
Also, go to alanon, if you have any meetings in your area. You can find a lot of validation and comfort, there. It, also helps with the lonliness….
****The following suggestion is especially for you---since you grew up in an alcoholic home. Do, by all means, become familiar with the group..."Adult Children of Alcoholics".....They have meetings, similar to alanon….but, there may or may not have meetings in your area. IN ANY CASE....please avail yourself of their literature and their "Big Book"....You will find their literature on amazon.com...in the book section....Just type in..."Adult Children of Alcoholics".....you will find a lot of material.
I am sure t hat you will get a lot out of studying their material....as, being raised in an alcoholic home has probably affected you in ways that you are not even aware of! It always does. You can still go to al alanon, of course, and study their materials...
because, they are not, at all, in conflict with each other....
You should have m ore time for reflection and study, now....
Knowledge is power.
Geneva....I think it is important for you to realize that you will need to make some lifestyle changes, of your own.....beginning with baby steps, of course.
I think changes in lifestyle are your greatest insurances to caving and goin back to him in a few months.....
I sure do relate to wanting the phone to ring.....
It will take you some more time to get past that...it is hard to break the kind of bonding with him that you have developed....
The more time that passes, combined with life changes, for you, will help you move onto new chapters, in your life.....
You have suffered enough and paid enough price.....
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