Help talk me through this!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted by AutumnMama 
Hmmm I'd like to mentally explore that more. What do you mean? Can you give me an example?
And in some other posters comments in regards to finding evidence. I feel like that is a slippery slope--I mean I want to NOT obsesses about this guy anymore, right? I think I've come a long way in that. I'm keeping an eye on him for the safety of my son, but like I said, I think he's pretty functional right now. But I'm not under any illusion that we've stepped off the roller coaster. Would finding out your ex husband is spending thousands of dollars a week at strip clubs mean anything to a judge--as long as he wasn't doing it around your toddler?
And in some other posters comments in regards to finding evidence. I feel like that is a slippery slope--I mean I want to NOT obsesses about this guy anymore, right? I think I've come a long way in that. I'm keeping an eye on him for the safety of my son, but like I said, I think he's pretty functional right now. But I'm not under any illusion that we've stepped off the roller coaster. Would finding out your ex husband is spending thousands of dollars a week at strip clubs mean anything to a judge--as long as he wasn't doing it around your toddler?
It's tough because you can't just let him drop out of your mind when you have your child involved. That said, perhaps thinking of him differently is in order.
Your only relationship with him now is as a co-parent and strip clubs and gambling are his side of the street.
So perhaps seeing him in a different role is key here. Now, how you go about doing that, well I think it will take time and support. People can be friends with ex's (not saying you should be, just that roles and relationships can change).
Can you focus on his behaviour with regard to drugs and separate out the other behaviours - strip clubs and gambling? Why do those things concern you?
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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Strip clubs and gambling don't concern me in regards to my son, but I guess just paint a picture to me that his addiction has moved from alcohol onto other things. So he isn't in any real recovery. But as long as he isn't trying to take my son with him, I really don't care. It's gross, but that's his life now.
I don't think he is taking illegal drugs. I think he has been experimenting with whatever legal crap he can find, or whatever wouldn't show up on a drug test. Kratom, random pills from russia, etc. He isn't stupid
I don't think he is taking illegal drugs. I think he has been experimenting with whatever legal crap he can find, or whatever wouldn't show up on a drug test. Kratom, random pills from russia, etc. He isn't stupid
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Honestly, it sounds to me like he is trying to push back to get you to question your own conclusions.
You have made conclusions based on your gut feelings and he is just saying that's not proof - it isn't hard evidence.
As an aside, the only reason you are even interested is that your child is under his care sometimes, so hey, I would actually be looking for that hard evidence. Gut feelings are ok to go on when the stakes aren't so high.
So therapist aside, I would hire a private investigator.
As for you feeling uncomfortable with the therapist, how did you feel prior to this session, do you feel progress is being made? If so then maybe hang in there for a while. Therapists aren't always good with an approach I'm sure and maybe he will realize this approach doesn't work well with you.
You have made conclusions based on your gut feelings and he is just saying that's not proof - it isn't hard evidence.
As an aside, the only reason you are even interested is that your child is under his care sometimes, so hey, I would actually be looking for that hard evidence. Gut feelings are ok to go on when the stakes aren't so high.
So therapist aside, I would hire a private investigator.
As for you feeling uncomfortable with the therapist, how did you feel prior to this session, do you feel progress is being made? If so then maybe hang in there for a while. Therapists aren't always good with an approach I'm sure and maybe he will realize this approach doesn't work well with you.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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I talked about this with my other therapist last night. I think I was so triggered because the way he was talking to me reminded me of my XAH. That feeling of "am I crazy then? am I overreacting? am I wrong?" brought me back to places I don't really want to visit again. She agreed that what he was saying was odd, and she was confused by a lot of it as well. She thought maybe he had just forgotten about everything I had told him before. Anyway... thanks for the responses and showing me a lot of different sides. I don't have an appointment with him for a while but I think I'm going to cancel it. I don't think he provides anything that my other therapist couldn't... and maybe I'll honor my "gut" that he isn't a safe space for me anymore.
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Originally Posted by AutumnMama
I don't think he provides anything that my other therapist couldn't... and maybe I'll honor my "gut" that he isn't a safe space for me anymore.
You don't need any more trauma in your life, that's for sure and that's what this caused. I can kind of see where he was going with it but that doesn't mean it's a good approach for you right now (possibly never).
Personally I dislike this approach. If he had discussed each item with you and given you guidance and helpful tools, that's one thing.
When you have to talk to a therapist about the other - that's a good time to bail on the first!
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