clarity888

Today I feel like a heel.

In the last two weeks, AH has been busted faking his SL tests. I've basically flipped out each time he's drank again, even if it was not "that much (like a .01 BAC)". I knew that the amount detected was not the issue. The .01 was a day a month back when I had to tell him not to take kiddo to the movie after all, then.

The recent events, I have been seething because he did the faking AFTER we signed an agreement with SL that the we knew faking had happened. Also, on Friday I got from SL the list of dates of fabricated tests.

On one of those dates the fakes were submitted all day and he had DS that evening. This weekend, I made him blow the BAC in front of me, and he was obviously irritated and self-righteous about it. I called him a dumb*ss if he thought I would not ask him to do it, even though "he'd just blown into it an hour ago at the apartment".

So, our 12th year wedding anniversary was yesterday, I tried to be nice about it, he said "I didn't think you gave a sh*t". Honestly, I didn't know what to do about the date, just thought I'd acknowledge it--he's a good person, he's changed but the core person is in there. I was sad things have to come where they are. He went on to say how calling him the above word, and "*&^*ing stupid" a couple of times the last 2 weeks, made him think I would not care. He pointed out that this was rage, and I justified my actions, as wrong as they are, as expected--you're still faking out SL, and I have proof you had DS one time and had to drive 2 miles to get him home. I have a right to be angry. But I heard him about how much my rage, verbally, hurts. He never calls me things, but he lies. A lot. Somewhere inside I believe I actually thought that showing this rage would help him see what he was doing. He prob. sees what he's doing, and I'm only driving the knife in further.

I do get his point that pointing my rage at him verbally is not productive, kind, helpful, detached, any of that. My words are not even about him personally, it's about his behavior. It's too late now, of course, but I have to learn to control my mouth. I know what to expect of an A who is struggling, yet it always makes me upset. I don't get how he doesn't get some things. I woke up today understanding we are each reacting to things that are not the actual person, just their ill-adapted behaviors. I will have to forgive myself for being so ugly/verbally abusive I guess? I am carrying a lot of guilt over this today, and move on and try to be that detached, loving person. I find it very hard at times. I know this is why I need Al-Anon.

Thanks for listening. It sucks knowing you're hurting someone you love, even though you don't mean to, and vice-versa. I've been a Al-Anon once per week, will keep going. I am of course being the alcohol police, protecting son from being around it/him in other ways now that SL won't monitor.

ironwill

Clarity888,

You have every right to be frustrated and mad. You put down the guidelines to protect your child. If he is faking the test and then driving i would be in raged also. He is putting your child at risk.

I understand the urge to yell and scream at the Alcoholic. You care about them and just want them to see what you are feeling. You feel if you yell loud enough that they will finally see what they are doing to themselves. That it's not them that your mad at but the alcohol that is causing this behavior. The problem is Alcohol has a deathly grip on them and doesn't want to let go.

I hope you get to an AL-Anon meeting soon. I know they help me cope with what I am dealing with. I always feel better after one. Have a great day.

dandylion

clarity......have you thought of some form of supervised visitation....rather than the electronic kind?

trailmix

I know you know that yelling at him is really only detrimental to you, so yes, finding a way to vent that frustration elsewhere is key (which is not to say that most of use probably haven't done it!).

He has built up defenses over years, you aren't going to break through them, certainly not right now.

When your co-parent puts your child at risk that seems very personal, but it's not as weird as that seems. In his mind this is all hunkie-dory, not a big deal. He is obviously not thinking clearly at all.

So all you can do is remain vigilant with your child, as you are, don't weaken your boundaries, which you aren't and save the yelling for your pillow because it will do about as much good as yelling at him.

I wouldn't assume this at all. Even if it is true, it's almost worse. If he can rationally see that he is drinking and driving with his child in the car and he thinks that is ok?

Is that the guy you knew?

clarity888

You are right Trailmix, he probably cannot/does not see exactly what he's doing. Overall, he knows in some general sense that he "should" not be drinking. But he still fools himself into thinking he can have "a few beers", which used to be 2 on weeknights. That guy, I knew, and for someone his size, I thought it was okay. He also said something about not remembering that date I gave him (from SL) when this happened, only that he "wasn't drinking to obliteration". Which tells me he either A. Did drink to obliteration, or close, or B. Is picking up again, but knows better than to go too far. Both are a problem. He sees option B. as perfectly acceptable. Dandylion, as far as supervised visits, we've had his parents host DS and AH visit there. I've supervised. No courts are involved, we are doing this all ourselves. He hides it well when drinking, and from what I've seen, provides healthy meals, bathes, cares for son, reads with him when they're together at night. He is only now realizing that it's still not okay to feed his disease with DS or me around. I can't prove how much he had on the date SL gave me, unfortunately, but I'll assume it was a steady buzz all that day. I don't know, though. I have to assume the worst. He just does not get that. He thinks if he's not slurring, he's doing fine (is my guess).

hopeful4

Their addiction becomes #1. Always.

I am sorry.

sheepherder

I too am angry. I too feel tremendous guilt about the times I've yelled at him, wounding an already wounded person. It doesn't help one iota though. Just makes my blood pressure go up, I'm sure. For me it's a knee-jerk reaction, somewhat of a coping mechanism which I know is totally inappropriate.

But you know what? I'm human. I can only work on it and not react next time. Duct tape might help. :0)

Laur12

Sasha1972

I understand how hard it is to try to make yourself not-angry with someone who is manifestly doing stupid, mean and hurtful things. I was really angry with my ex until the day he died (and thereafter, if I’m being honest), even though rationally I knew that he was probably brain-damaged for most of the last five years, if not longer.

I don’t think you can change your feelings by sheer force of will - all you can change is your actions. I think it makes sense to apologize to AH for yelling if doing so will be good for you - if it will relieve you of the burden of feeling guilty. You owe it to yourself to behave in a way that befits the person you want to be; because that will be good for you in the long run - you don’t owe anything to AH.

FeelingGreat

So Clarity have you given some thought to how you will react if and when he lies/cheats (the test)/dodges responsibility in the future? Especially if you are angry?
I admire you attempts to improve yourself, but I also think he acting like a little boy whose Mum just told him off.

NYCDoglvr

Realizing we're powerless over people, places and things helps cut the anger. He's not drinking at you or because of you, it's just who he is and nothing you can say or do will change that. I really recommend Alanon, incredible support for those in a relationship with an alcoholic.

hopeful4

This nugget right here is absolutely spot on! Be who you want to be for yourself!

Maudcat

I completely get the rage part. I have chosen not to engage with my addicted sibling, as it only leads to a huge fights.
He’s a sib, though, not a co parent, which is way different.
Al-Anon helped me a lot, but what really helped was living 350 miles away from the addict, and not having to talk to him.
Sadly, that is not the case now, as I am caregiver to my elderly mother and he lives with her.
Good thoughts and good luck.