It can get better
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 63
It can get better
This is my first post, but I have been reading the messages on this site for months, and they have been extremely helpful to me. Though my heart breaks for the other spouses on this site, it is comforting to know that I am not alone. I'd like to share my story to help, perhaps, the younger spouses who are wondering what to do, where to go, etc. I am proof that life can get better once you cut the ties of codependency.
I was married for 35 years to an alcoholic and divorced this past fall. He was an active alcoholic the first 15 years of our marriage but quit after he received a DUI and mandated counseling. (He swerved over a center line at 2 a.m. and nearly crashed into a state trooper.) For the next 12 or so years, I believe he was sober. (At least, I never could see that he was drinking, but who knows.)
About eight years ago, his behavior became very odd, but I was too blind to see that he was almost always mildly inebriated. I so believed that he had quit for good and couldn't imagine that he would go back to the bottle after all the heartache he had caused. Despite years of living with an alcoholic, I was woefully uneducated on alcoholism and the denial, lying, manipulation, etc., that are part of the disease.
Then, three years ago, I went with him to a doctor to see about a hip replacement (he had already had a knee replacement). The doctor looked at him and asked, "Are you an alcoholic? You have an alcoholic's hip...full of holes." Of course, my XAH denied it, but the light went on for me. What should have been blatantly obvious before suddenly was. I went home, searched the garage, and found his stash of beer cans and vodka bottles. When I confronted him, he admitted he had been drinking again for at least five years.
For the next two years, my life was a living hell. I was the ultimate codependent. I thought it was my duty to stop his drinking, and I tried everything. He was no longer working because of his bone and joint problems (brought on by alcohol). I made him give me receipts when he used a credit card. I wouldn't give him cash. I searched the garage and the house. I was obsessed with controlling him, and it was making me crazy. No matter what I did, I could tell he had been drinking when I got home from work. How in the world could he be drinking when he had no money? The answer? He was stealing it from the neighbor's garage. And, get this, he was making a home brew using yeast and fruit. When I found the bottle of this stuff, it was so potent, it exploded in the sink like a bomb when I opened it. I can only imagine what it was doing to his brain and body.
Finally, I had enough. With the full support of my sons, I moved out. Of course, my XAH hasn't stopped drinking. He has been in the hospital for detox, told he will die within two years if he doesn't stop, tried going to AA, etc., but he is committed to the bottle. He drives drunk every day. We have contacted the police numerous times, but they still haven't stopped him. He left me threatening voicemails saying he was hunting me (he doesn't know where I live) until I had him blocked from my phone.
Though I'm still traumatized from the experience of watching a very decent, normal man become a degenerate monster, I thank God every day that I finally left. I am a professional with a good-paying job and am actually better off financially without the drain of his alcohol-induced health problems.
What did I learn from my experience that might be helpful to others?
1. Alcohol is a demon. It is very difficult for an alcoholic to stay sober, even if they've been dry for years. If you choose to live with an alcoholic, be prepared for a relapse, even if you think the nightmare is long over.
2. Alcoholism is progressive, but when they start to reach rock bottom, it can happen very fast. My XAH went from mildly intoxicated to crazy town resident in about six months. It was the most frightening thing I've ever seen.
3. Dealing with an alcoholic takes a huge physical toll. Before I left, I was having heart and blood pressure issues, anxiety and depression, and weight gain. I am much better now.
4. Living with an alcoholic is a huge financial risk. Because of health problems, my husband was no longer employed, on disability, and draining our accounts with ongoing medical issues. Most frightening, he continued to drive drunk. A civil suit from an accident could have taken our house, our savings, everything we had. I wasn't willing to risk that. I'm always surprised by spouses who are able to continue living with an alcoholic when they know their finances are on the line. All it takes is one accident.
My opinion? We are all too valuable to live with this issue. If you're married to an alcoholic, insist on treatment and complete sobriety, or kick him/her out. Life is short. I wasted 35 years of mine on someone who loved the bottle far more than he loved his family. Looking back, I should have left within the first few years of our marriage, but I stayed for decades.
Now, however, I am enjoying my sons and granddaughter. Doing great at my job. Finding happiness in new friends and activities. And finally enjoying life. You can do it too. There is always a way out.
I was married for 35 years to an alcoholic and divorced this past fall. He was an active alcoholic the first 15 years of our marriage but quit after he received a DUI and mandated counseling. (He swerved over a center line at 2 a.m. and nearly crashed into a state trooper.) For the next 12 or so years, I believe he was sober. (At least, I never could see that he was drinking, but who knows.)
About eight years ago, his behavior became very odd, but I was too blind to see that he was almost always mildly inebriated. I so believed that he had quit for good and couldn't imagine that he would go back to the bottle after all the heartache he had caused. Despite years of living with an alcoholic, I was woefully uneducated on alcoholism and the denial, lying, manipulation, etc., that are part of the disease.
Then, three years ago, I went with him to a doctor to see about a hip replacement (he had already had a knee replacement). The doctor looked at him and asked, "Are you an alcoholic? You have an alcoholic's hip...full of holes." Of course, my XAH denied it, but the light went on for me. What should have been blatantly obvious before suddenly was. I went home, searched the garage, and found his stash of beer cans and vodka bottles. When I confronted him, he admitted he had been drinking again for at least five years.
For the next two years, my life was a living hell. I was the ultimate codependent. I thought it was my duty to stop his drinking, and I tried everything. He was no longer working because of his bone and joint problems (brought on by alcohol). I made him give me receipts when he used a credit card. I wouldn't give him cash. I searched the garage and the house. I was obsessed with controlling him, and it was making me crazy. No matter what I did, I could tell he had been drinking when I got home from work. How in the world could he be drinking when he had no money? The answer? He was stealing it from the neighbor's garage. And, get this, he was making a home brew using yeast and fruit. When I found the bottle of this stuff, it was so potent, it exploded in the sink like a bomb when I opened it. I can only imagine what it was doing to his brain and body.
Finally, I had enough. With the full support of my sons, I moved out. Of course, my XAH hasn't stopped drinking. He has been in the hospital for detox, told he will die within two years if he doesn't stop, tried going to AA, etc., but he is committed to the bottle. He drives drunk every day. We have contacted the police numerous times, but they still haven't stopped him. He left me threatening voicemails saying he was hunting me (he doesn't know where I live) until I had him blocked from my phone.
Though I'm still traumatized from the experience of watching a very decent, normal man become a degenerate monster, I thank God every day that I finally left. I am a professional with a good-paying job and am actually better off financially without the drain of his alcohol-induced health problems.
What did I learn from my experience that might be helpful to others?
1. Alcohol is a demon. It is very difficult for an alcoholic to stay sober, even if they've been dry for years. If you choose to live with an alcoholic, be prepared for a relapse, even if you think the nightmare is long over.
2. Alcoholism is progressive, but when they start to reach rock bottom, it can happen very fast. My XAH went from mildly intoxicated to crazy town resident in about six months. It was the most frightening thing I've ever seen.
3. Dealing with an alcoholic takes a huge physical toll. Before I left, I was having heart and blood pressure issues, anxiety and depression, and weight gain. I am much better now.
4. Living with an alcoholic is a huge financial risk. Because of health problems, my husband was no longer employed, on disability, and draining our accounts with ongoing medical issues. Most frightening, he continued to drive drunk. A civil suit from an accident could have taken our house, our savings, everything we had. I wasn't willing to risk that. I'm always surprised by spouses who are able to continue living with an alcoholic when they know their finances are on the line. All it takes is one accident.
My opinion? We are all too valuable to live with this issue. If you're married to an alcoholic, insist on treatment and complete sobriety, or kick him/her out. Life is short. I wasted 35 years of mine on someone who loved the bottle far more than he loved his family. Looking back, I should have left within the first few years of our marriage, but I stayed for decades.
Now, however, I am enjoying my sons and granddaughter. Doing great at my job. Finding happiness in new friends and activities. And finally enjoying life. You can do it too. There is always a way out.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Powerful share Newlife.
Like you I stayed far too long. I never managed to help his health at all and tanked my own in the process.
Thank you for posting your story, it is probably just the thing many of the newcomers need to hear.
Like you I stayed far too long. I never managed to help his health at all and tanked my own in the process.
Thank you for posting your story, it is probably just the thing many of the newcomers need to hear.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Originally Posted by Newlife2019 
T
Now, however, I am enjoying my sons and granddaughter. Doing great at my job. Finding happiness in new friends and activities. And finally enjoying life. You can do it too. There is always a way out.
Now, however, I am enjoying my sons and granddaughter. Doing great at my job. Finding happiness in new friends and activities. And finally enjoying life. You can do it too. There is always a way out.
Sometimes people arrive at SR beaten down by this thing called addiction and wondering what they can do and how to fix it. They ask if there are success stories (usually referring to the addict).
Yours is a success story.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Newlife, thanks for taking the time to post that. My ex is like that, too, maintaining the constant low-level buzz. When we divorced and he moved out, I believe that the drinking went up a notch b/c he didn't have to try to appear sober to anyone. He very recently retired and I expect things to ramp up again in the absence of any responsibility or structure in his life.
Your post is valuable to me as a reminder of how quickly things can change, and that I need to be observant and honest w/myself about what I see so that I can act accordingly.
Your post is valuable to me as a reminder of how quickly things can change, and that I need to be observant and honest w/myself about what I see so that I can act accordingly.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
My husband had an IRA with the financial consultant who also did our taxes. I couldn't figure out why he was calling the man so often regarding his investments. Eventually, the tax preparer outed him by saying, in front of me, that part of the reason our refund was smaller was because AH was withdrawing money from his IRA. AH was unemployed most of the last six years of his life. He was getting about $200 a week unemployment, but that didn't cover beer, cigarettes, and our bills. We OWNED our home, so there was no mortgage or rent.
I could tell tax preparer was uncomfortable: on the one hand, he wanted to maintain confidentiality with AH, on the other, he knew I had a right to know why our taxes were what they were.
I could tell tax preparer was uncomfortable: on the one hand, he wanted to maintain confidentiality with AH, on the other, he knew I had a right to know why our taxes were what they were.
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 36
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm married 38 years. You have basically written my back story as well. The last ten years (or so -- I don't even remember exactly what year the craziness started) has slowly become a living hell for me. I've been trying to get up the nerve to leave for the last year or so, and the best I've been able to do so far is move out of the bedroom and across the hall a few months ago and start dreaming of my own place. I am way too enmeshed with him. It's too long of a story. I'm having trouble just writing it down.
I've realized I don't have enough emotional support to get out of here at the moment. We have no children. I have one brother who lives on the other coast and a very small extended family who are not local. My Al-Anon friends are just surface friends really. Many of my close friends have moved or I've lost contact with them over the last two years.
Please pray I get people to lean on. You're an inspiration. I can't thank you enough for posting your story.
I've realized I don't have enough emotional support to get out of here at the moment. We have no children. I have one brother who lives on the other coast and a very small extended family who are not local. My Al-Anon friends are just surface friends really. Many of my close friends have moved or I've lost contact with them over the last two years.
Please pray I get people to lean on. You're an inspiration. I can't thank you enough for posting your story.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by pizza67
Are they angry at you for not leaving when they were younger? Do they have addictions?
Our marriage was unhappy, but I didn’t leave because I was terrified of shared custody. I thought he would drink again if I wasn’t there. I knew he would make them miserable. After they were grown, his health was poor, and he was on my insurance plan. I felt obligated to stay with him. Once he qualified for Medicare, I left. His drinking is even worse now, which initially made me feel guilty, but not anymore. (Drunken voice mail death threats tend to squelch any guilt or pity.)
My boys are wonderful, successful young men. They remain in limited contact with their dad out of a sense of obligation, but they have no real feeling for him. They are embarrassed by him, and repulsed by his behavior, especially his drunk driving. They have both told the police what he is doing.
My older son, who lives an hour away, has been a godsend this past year. In fact, I credit him with helping me finally leave. I had kept the extent of my AXH’s drinking a secret from them, but my son stopped by the house when I was at work and found him staggering drunk. My son said as long as his dad was drinking, he would never allow his daughter in the house. He knew I would never choose a drunk over my beautiful granddaughter. My AXH laughed and shrugged when my son threatened that. I walked out the door and never looked back.
Last week, my sons, my daughter in law, my granddaughter and my younger son’s fiancé all spent a wonderful week in Colorado. Life is finally good.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by sheepherder
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm married 38 years. You have basically written my back story as well. The last ten years (or so -- I don't even remember exactly what year the craziness started) has slowly become a living hell for me. I've been trying to get up the nerve to leave for the last year or so, and the best I've been able to do so far is move out of the bedroom and across the hall a few months ago and start dreaming of my own place. I am way too enmeshed with him. It's too long of a story. I'm having trouble just writing it down.
I've realized I don't have enough emotional support to get out of here at the moment. We have no children. I have one brother who lives on the other coast and a very small extended family who are not local. My Al-Anon friends are just surface friends really. Many of my close friends have moved or I've lost contact with them over the last two years.
Please pray I get people to lean on. You're an inspiration. I can't thank you enough for posting your story.
I've realized I don't have enough emotional support to get out of here at the moment. We have no children. I have one brother who lives on the other coast and a very small extended family who are not local. My Al-Anon friends are just surface friends really. Many of my close friends have moved or I've lost contact with them over the last two years.
Please pray I get people to lean on. You're an inspiration. I can't thank you enough for posting your story.
But please don’t think you are too “emmeshed” to ever get out. I thought that too, especially since he was so dependent on me for everything. He was no longer working, on my insurance, I handled all the bills and financial stuff, he had never learned to use a computer, etc. He was intelligent but like many alcoholics was consumed by self pity and insecurity and expected me to always be the responsible adult. I thought it would be unethical to leave him. Finally I realized it was unethical to waste my one life on a man who didn’t know how to live.
Please find compassion for yourself. If you had a friend in this situation, would you advise her to keep living this way? Perhaps it would be helpful to write an action plan of small steps you can take moving forward. Consult with an attorney. Assess your financial situation. Look at apartments. Try to build new friendships. Volunteer and get out of your own head. Exercise and take care of your health.
Just because someone else chooses to destroy his life and dive in a cesspool doesn’t mean you have to go down with him. The barriers to change often exist only in our minds. Sweep away the fear, obligation and guilt and you’ll find a path to a better life.
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