what do you do with anger?
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Join Date: May 2019
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what do you do with anger?
What are good coping skills for anger??? I get so angry, I can spit and I feel like this pretty regularly recently. This not who I normally am. I swear I am basically a happy-go-lucky person and it's upsetting me to see it happening over and over again.
Today when I got home, my AH was mowing the lawn, stumbling around. (Not one straight line to be found). I asked him if he had been drinking (doh) and he said yes. I asked where he got the money from, and he said he stole it from the plate at the AA meeting he went to. He was dropped off home by a friend who took him to the meeting and walked a mile with his bad knees to the liquor store. Great! I was so angry, I left and have been sitting in my car with my laptop trying to get some semblance of work done and only minimally successful at that.
But I'm burning with anger, livid, cranky, stressed, infuriated, outraged, irate, furious, every synonym I can think of. Surely this is unhealthy. What do you do with the anger?? Where do I put it in the moment that I'm feeling it?? Deep breathing isn't helping. Any advice?
Today when I got home, my AH was mowing the lawn, stumbling around. (Not one straight line to be found). I asked him if he had been drinking (doh) and he said yes. I asked where he got the money from, and he said he stole it from the plate at the AA meeting he went to. He was dropped off home by a friend who took him to the meeting and walked a mile with his bad knees to the liquor store. Great! I was so angry, I left and have been sitting in my car with my laptop trying to get some semblance of work done and only minimally successful at that.
But I'm burning with anger, livid, cranky, stressed, infuriated, outraged, irate, furious, every synonym I can think of. Surely this is unhealthy. What do you do with the anger?? Where do I put it in the moment that I'm feeling it?? Deep breathing isn't helping. Any advice?
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It depends on the moment, where I am, and who's around me. If no one is around me, I like to let out the loudest, longest scream I can....followed by beating up my sofa cushion if I still need to expel energy. If my family is in the house, I clean, clean, clean. I've even been known to go out to the garage, sit in my car, and listen to music for a bit.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
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Great question. If you follow the Al-Anon approach, detach with love as they say...the anger is in you. How do you deal with anger when it is related to something other than the alcoholic? Is the anger directed at yourself? I agree with endofmyrope and channel that anger into something physical and give it as a gift to yourself. The anger is part of this destructive disease...read. Have you read the "getting them sober" series. There are 4 books, easy reads and all the crazy stuff we feel is there for you to look at and remember that you are not alone. Wishing you some peace tonight.
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sheepherder......If you scratch the surface of anger...much of the time, you will find the underlying emotions....pain, frustration, sadness, fear, loss of control.....
I think that there are two main things that help to deal with the anger...
First, immediate release--so that you can, at least, think straight---
THEN...longer term....is to identify the underlying feelings and begin to correct the situation that is fueling the feelings.....
For the immediate..."in the moment" anger....Scream, ventilate outward; physical exhaustion...exercise...long walks, etc. ; physically removing yourself from the area of the offending situation/person; talking to an understanding person(s)….
I think that there are two main things that help to deal with the anger...
First, immediate release--so that you can, at least, think straight---
THEN...longer term....is to identify the underlying feelings and begin to correct the situation that is fueling the feelings.....
For the immediate..."in the moment" anger....Scream, ventilate outward; physical exhaustion...exercise...long walks, etc. ; physically removing yourself from the area of the offending situation/person; talking to an understanding person(s)….
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Upstate New York
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One thing that helped me was the "Don't Sweat The Small Stuff" books. I hated my wife for many reasons for a very long time - she used sex to draw me in and get married, then I found out she hated sex. She is an obsessive, passive-agressive person, that has alwas to be best and right and in total control - does the word "narcicist" ring a bell? Pathological remembering history?
But with an unusual and rare therapist and reading the "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" books I was able to deal with past history deal with the present and learn to live for myself.
My mantra now is "is this something I really want to do because it will be fun and make me happy - something I really WANT to do?" If not - I don't do it. That's the only rule.
But with an unusual and rare therapist and reading the "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" books I was able to deal with past history deal with the present and learn to live for myself.
My mantra now is "is this something I really want to do because it will be fun and make me happy - something I really WANT to do?" If not - I don't do it. That's the only rule.
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Location: W Washington
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Today when I got home, my AH was mowing the lawn, stumbling around. (Not one straight line to be found). I asked him if he had been drinking (doh) and he said yes. I asked where he got the money from, and he said he stole it from the plate at the AA meeting he went to. He was dropped off home by a friend who took him to the meeting and walked a mile with his bad knees to the liquor store.
which part of this are you angry over?
that he drank?
that he was drunk and stumbling around outside where others could see?
that he stole $$ from AA?
that he walked a mile to get booze?
that THIS is what you come HOME to?
it's ok to be angry, but if that is all we do - be angry - we are missing the message our body/mind/spirit is trying to TELL us about OUR life.
which part of this are you angry over?
that he drank?
that he was drunk and stumbling around outside where others could see?
that he stole $$ from AA?
that he walked a mile to get booze?
that THIS is what you come HOME to?
it's ok to be angry, but if that is all we do - be angry - we are missing the message our body/mind/spirit is trying to TELL us about OUR life.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Originally Posted by sheepherder 
I am basically a happy-go-lucky person and it's upsetting me to see it happening over and over again.
I'm burning with anger, livid, cranky, stressed, infuriated, outraged, irate, furious, every synonym I can think of. What do you do with the anger?? Where do I put it in the moment that I'm feeling it?? Deep breathing isn't helping. Any advice?
I'm burning with anger, livid, cranky, stressed, infuriated, outraged, irate, furious, every synonym I can think of. What do you do with the anger?? Where do I put it in the moment that I'm feeling it?? Deep breathing isn't helping. Any advice?
Identifying safe ways to let off that steam.
Identifying people who are your support people that you can go to even if it's a few minutes.
Identifying if what you're feeling is legitimate.
Finding the correct way to solve the problem.
I've been livid over my neighbor. I find out it really isn't my neighbor that was wrong. Husband did not inform me of a conversation. He didn't think it was communication worthy. Well, it helped create this issue. Some spouses just aren't partners. I have a right to be mad at husband but it won't change anything.
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Sheepherder-
Part of this journey for me was to come to appreciate anger and what it brought me.
I had not allowed myself to be angry for most of my life.....and I had a lot of it stuffed underneath that needed to be sorted through.
Loving a problem drinker helped crack that open for me, and now I find anger an guide post in my life.
It was not easy. I was deeply uncomfortable with it and what I did with it all the time was not right or pretty. However I had to acknowledge it, feel it and start to accept that it was part of my human rights to have it
Now anger for me is mobilizing and frankly for me is usually liberating. It is a sign for me that a boundary of mine has been crossed and I need to address something head on.
Welcome to this part of recovery.....it really is worth the journey
Part of this journey for me was to come to appreciate anger and what it brought me.
I had not allowed myself to be angry for most of my life.....and I had a lot of it stuffed underneath that needed to be sorted through.
Loving a problem drinker helped crack that open for me, and now I find anger an guide post in my life.
It was not easy. I was deeply uncomfortable with it and what I did with it all the time was not right or pretty. However I had to acknowledge it, feel it and start to accept that it was part of my human rights to have it
Now anger for me is mobilizing and frankly for me is usually liberating. It is a sign for me that a boundary of mine has been crossed and I need to address something head on.
Welcome to this part of recovery.....it really is worth the journey
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 36
Thank you, everyone, for being so gracious and kind with your suggestions. Yep, I think it's time to turn my "ghost" gym membership into a real membership where I actually show up. And I'm definitely going to re-read the Getting Them Sober series.
I was thinking all night about exactly what I was angry about (for some reason it's always around 3:00 in the morning that I start this thinking). I had taken off yesterday morning and went to the spa and on the way home had picked up something for my AH that I knew he would enjoy (we had had a pleasant weekend together, and I was very relaxed). Needless to say, right or wrong, I returned what I bought for him later in the day. (oops).
Yes, I was angry about him being drunk and stealing from AA, but not about the neighbors. I was DEFINITELY angry about what i came home to, our beautiful home, once a sanctuary for us, now a house of turmoil. I was angry that I had to exit, stage left, and work in my car instead of in my office. I was most angry though about his constant talk about stopping drinking when he's sober (which foolishly and unbelievably raises my hopes EVERY TIME, big dummy that I am. He sounds so sincere. Will I never learn?), but then in reality he takes no steps at all, and then blithely excuses his bad behavior by saying he has no other choice but to steal money and drink because he's an alcoholic. It's boggles the mind and makes me crazy. I don't like the way anger makes me feel.
On the plus side, however, I am glad I didn't blow up and start yelling like I have been doing recently and that I walked away. I am also glad to know that anger can be a catalyst for change and might just be liberating. Working on it. :0)
Thank you all for letting me vent.
I was thinking all night about exactly what I was angry about (for some reason it's always around 3:00 in the morning that I start this thinking). I had taken off yesterday morning and went to the spa and on the way home had picked up something for my AH that I knew he would enjoy (we had had a pleasant weekend together, and I was very relaxed). Needless to say, right or wrong, I returned what I bought for him later in the day. (oops).
Yes, I was angry about him being drunk and stealing from AA, but not about the neighbors. I was DEFINITELY angry about what i came home to, our beautiful home, once a sanctuary for us, now a house of turmoil. I was angry that I had to exit, stage left, and work in my car instead of in my office. I was most angry though about his constant talk about stopping drinking when he's sober (which foolishly and unbelievably raises my hopes EVERY TIME, big dummy that I am. He sounds so sincere. Will I never learn?), but then in reality he takes no steps at all, and then blithely excuses his bad behavior by saying he has no other choice but to steal money and drink because he's an alcoholic. It's boggles the mind and makes me crazy. I don't like the way anger makes me feel.
On the plus side, however, I am glad I didn't blow up and start yelling like I have been doing recently and that I walked away. I am also glad to know that anger can be a catalyst for change and might just be liberating. Working on it. :0)
Thank you all for letting me vent.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Originally Posted by sheepherder
I was most angry though about his constant talk about stopping drinking when he's sober (which foolishly and unbelievably raises my hopes EVERY TIME, big dummy that I am. He sounds so sincere. Will I never learn?)
You want him to quit, he says he will, your hopes get raised. I'm sure he sounds sincere because in that moment he might be. Alcoholism is baffling.
Actions not words. By only looking at his actions you remove that hope that you get every time he speaks about it. It's just talk, it's meaningless without action.
Once you start to dismiss the claims and start watching the actions (or non-action) you can let yourself off the hope merry-go-round (which is hurtful to you).
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