Is my husband an alcoholic?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Miami FL
Posts: 3
Is my husband an alcoholic?
I need help to understand what's going on...my husband and I have been in our relationship 7 years. Through the years I have dealt with him going out and drinking too much, sometimes once a week, sometimes as much as 3 times a week. For example this week, went out Saturday night and arrived Sunday morning around 4am. Then Friday, he called me and asked me to cook dinner (6pm), I finally called him at 10:00pm to ask him when he was planning to come home to eat, he didn't show up until midnight. Also, tonight (Saturday) he was supposed to go out with me to see a show however he cancelled 30 minutes before we were supposed to meet at home with some lame excuse, he also expected me not to go to the show that I had already purchased tickets for and go drinking with him. During all of these incidents he has been drinking heavily and has arrived home then passes out on the sofa. He also tries to pick a fight with me however I keep my cool and ignore his nasty comments. We've had this problem before and it only improved when I would get fed up and would kick him out of our house, I would not accept him back in our house until 1 or 2 months later and much much begging. Things would improve for a long time until it starts all over again.
I believe that he is an alcoholic however he does not accept it. I don't want to kick him out yet again and go through the cycle all over again, I want to break the cycle. We have an 8 yr old and a 3 month old baby, it's getting harder to keep this problem under the rug. I want to do what's best for my children and I don't know what that is!
I need help!
I believe that he is an alcoholic however he does not accept it. I don't want to kick him out yet again and go through the cycle all over again, I want to break the cycle. We have an 8 yr old and a 3 month old baby, it's getting harder to keep this problem under the rug. I want to do what's best for my children and I don't know what that is!
I need help!
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Is he an alcoholic?? It sounds like it but for me the important thing is how he is treating you. My husband is an alcoholic but he comes home every night, provides for us and is a pretty good guy. Coming home at 4am...standing me up for dinner after I have cooked...those are the kinds of things that would make me consider looking for a condo.
If you take away the alcohol what to you have? They already use alcohol as an excuse...we don't have to do it too.
Hugs,
JT
If you take away the alcohol what to you have? They already use alcohol as an excuse...we don't have to do it too.
Hugs,
JT
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
river
Welcome to SR! You've come to the right place to understand what is happening to you. They are a great bunch here, although it is a bit quiet at the weekends, so don't be surprised if you don't get many responses until tomorrow.
Take the chance to have a read of some of the other posts - you'll be amazed that so many people seem to be describing your life. The most important thing you will learn is what we call " The 3 Cs" i.e. You didn't Cause it, You can't Control it and You can't Cure it. Much as we try, the only person that can get ahold of this problem is the one with the drink problem.
So now, you need to learn to take the focus off your husband and put it firmly onto you and the kids. You could try going to some Al-anon meetings. They have been an enormous help to me, in addition to these boards. My boyfriend is an alcoholic, although is not drinking at the moment and is going to AA.
Take care and keep reading and posting.
Love
Minnie
xxx
Welcome to SR! You've come to the right place to understand what is happening to you. They are a great bunch here, although it is a bit quiet at the weekends, so don't be surprised if you don't get many responses until tomorrow.
Take the chance to have a read of some of the other posts - you'll be amazed that so many people seem to be describing your life. The most important thing you will learn is what we call " The 3 Cs" i.e. You didn't Cause it, You can't Control it and You can't Cure it. Much as we try, the only person that can get ahold of this problem is the one with the drink problem.
So now, you need to learn to take the focus off your husband and put it firmly onto you and the kids. You could try going to some Al-anon meetings. They have been an enormous help to me, in addition to these boards. My boyfriend is an alcoholic, although is not drinking at the moment and is going to AA.
Take care and keep reading and posting.
Love
Minnie
xxx
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Washington
Posts: 129
(((River)))
Welcome to SR!
If you're wondering IF he's an A he most likely is. From what you wrote, I'd say definitely.
The hardest part of dealing with this, is that we non-alcoholics can't understand WHY our A's are the way they are. It doesn't make sense to us b/c this is a sickness. BUT, the "codies" that we are want to fix them and make them all better...
I married two A's. My current H is now sober.
One day, literally, I "woke" up and realized that I needed help. Something was very wrong with ME, that I would live in this "circus" I called my life.
All I can do is focus on me....I found SR, I go to Alanon, I pray a lot. I own my feelings and actions (and reactions). I learned to set healthy boundaries and I'm learning what healthy love is
If your H is an A, there's nothing you can do...he has to own it and only he can choose to beat it.
You can look after you and your children...try Alanon, read read read posts and power posts here, and be gentle on yourself...realize that asking the question you did is a big step in the right direction.
Take care and please let us know how you're doing.
((hugs))
If you're wondering IF he's an A he most likely is. From what you wrote, I'd say definitely.
The hardest part of dealing with this, is that we non-alcoholics can't understand WHY our A's are the way they are. It doesn't make sense to us b/c this is a sickness. BUT, the "codies" that we are want to fix them and make them all better...
I married two A's. My current H is now sober.
One day, literally, I "woke" up and realized that I needed help. Something was very wrong with ME, that I would live in this "circus" I called my life.
All I can do is focus on me....I found SR, I go to Alanon, I pray a lot. I own my feelings and actions (and reactions). I learned to set healthy boundaries and I'm learning what healthy love is
If your H is an A, there's nothing you can do...he has to own it and only he can choose to beat it.
You can look after you and your children...try Alanon, read read read posts and power posts here, and be gentle on yourself...realize that asking the question you did is a big step in the right direction.
Take care and please let us know how you're doing.
((hugs))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Miami FL
Posts: 3
I appreciate all the encouragement and I have learned a thing or two reading the posts. Doug posted something about being an enabler... from the 3 different categories I am right now the angry passive, in other words, I am angry but I show it only with indifference, there's no point in talking with him because he blames me, even when he is sober. I absolutely understand that it's all up to him and that I cannot control the situation. I am currently stepping up my dance practice to feel better about myself, and I enjoy my children very much. It's just that I am getting depressed, it's soo hard not being able to count on him, I can't make plans with him, I can't count on him not even to go with me and buy our Christmas tree. His excuse is that he is too busy with his business... I am dying to scream at his face "YOU ARE NOT TOO BUSY TO GO OUT AND GET DRUNK", but I don't and I won't...it won't fix anything, it would just cause a confrontation that would end nowhere.
So here I am Sunday evening, just got home with my kids and I have no idea where my husband is because he has not even called.
So here I am Sunday evening, just got home with my kids and I have no idea where my husband is because he has not even called.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
River, my heart goes out to you. My AH was a lot like yours. I cannot even begin to count the times that my AH went to work in the morning only to show up in the wee hours of the next morning. Or how many times my own husband stood me up when we had plans. let alone all the broken promises, the blame game, the verbally abusive attitude, etc. that I put up with.
I lived my life around my AH. Our kids and I missed out on A LOT! In hindsite, I wish that I would have gotten my act together years ago. It seems you are definately way ahead of where I was at that time in my life. And being here really shows me that you are really reaching for answers and wanting a better life.
There is a lot of support to be had here. Understanding in a way that no one else can understand. When others care about you but they haven't lived it, they have an even harder time understanding the chaos than we do!
Read all you can, attend an alanon meeting if you can, etc. All these things will help you!
I lived my life around my AH. Our kids and I missed out on A LOT! In hindsite, I wish that I would have gotten my act together years ago. It seems you are definately way ahead of where I was at that time in my life. And being here really shows me that you are really reaching for answers and wanting a better life.
There is a lot of support to be had here. Understanding in a way that no one else can understand. When others care about you but they haven't lived it, they have an even harder time understanding the chaos than we do!
Read all you can, attend an alanon meeting if you can, etc. All these things will help you!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Washington
Posts: 129
River, you're right that it wont do any good to yell at him that he has time to get drunk (been there, done that, it only gave him more excuse to drink!! 
), but you can learn to calmly and confidently set boundaries of what is and is not acceptable ..to you.
The blame he puts on you is just so he doesn't have to take accountability for his actions ..then he might have to admit there is a problem!
Good for you for taking time out for you and your kids..keep doing that and keep the focus off his actions.
((hugs))
), but you can learn to calmly and confidently set boundaries of what is and is not acceptable ..to you.The blame he puts on you is just so he doesn't have to take accountability for his actions ..then he might have to admit there is a problem!
Good for you for taking time out for you and your kids..keep doing that and keep the focus off his actions.
((hugs))
Dee at Mt Bully
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Placerville, Ca
Posts: 251
River sure sounds like he is an AH.--the best thing that is happening is that you
see it and you are looking for help for yourself. You will read a lot of good things on this sight and recieve lots of encouragement. My one suggestion is do not count on him. Make plans for yourself and your children and with friends and if he shows up sober enough to participate good and if not you did not count on him anyway. Put
yourself and your babies first. Keep coming back--smiles--Dee
see it and you are looking for help for yourself. You will read a lot of good things on this sight and recieve lots of encouragement. My one suggestion is do not count on him. Make plans for yourself and your children and with friends and if he shows up sober enough to participate good and if not you did not count on him anyway. Put
yourself and your babies first. Keep coming back--smiles--Dee
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: md
Posts: 11
Do you know that i relate 100 % with you except my kids are 7 yrs and 16 mos. My husband does the same thing. His excuse of not being an alcohlic is that he has a staedy job( Fire Fighter), we are financially in trouble and that drinking for him is one thing I can't take away. I am sure you and I could trade stories all day about what they do. I am 27 and I enjoy going out but I don't enjoy going with him anymore. If we go watch the football game , we go to a bar and I drink water and he has 7 or 8 beers. The one thing is my dad is (recovering 14 years) an AH. My life was affected by this in a major way. I just found this out about a week ago. So as far as is your hubby an AH, I say yes but you can only change you and if he deosn't change him than you have to move on for you and your kids. I know it is harder said then done and I realize I will have to do the same thing. But the stronger we become the better we get. I am new at all of this too, but take it one day at a time. 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Miami FL
Posts: 3
Well my new friends here is an update... after I wrote the last post I called him and asked him if he could come home and help take care of the baby because I had to help our oldest daughter finish a project for school. He was sober and came home 30 minutes after. He tried to take care of the baby however she was restless, I took her over, gave her a bath and when she was calmed he took care of her. When she fell asleep he went to the store and got the stuff he needed to make a "ceviche", in other words, he was as nice as ever. He cuddled next to me in bed however I could not respond. He just got home (sober) and I was nice to him however I feel that I should talk to him, I want to tell him that whatever he does with his drinking it's his business however that I would appreciate it if he respected our plans, it's not like I count on him, mostly I don't count on him at all, I am always alone with our children.
While I want to talk to him I also feel that we will go nowhere. The good thing is that no matter what happens I can support my children. We have no financial problems to speak of because he has his own business and it has not been affected by his drinking (yet). All it will take is a DUI or an accident while he is drunk and he could set back his business in a huge way. I also found a bag of cocaine in his pants a couple of weeks ago, I have not mentioned it because I totally forgot until now. I knew that he ocassionally did drugs a few years ago however I did not know that he was doing them again.
While I want to talk to him I also feel that we will go nowhere. The good thing is that no matter what happens I can support my children. We have no financial problems to speak of because he has his own business and it has not been affected by his drinking (yet). All it will take is a DUI or an accident while he is drunk and he could set back his business in a huge way. I also found a bag of cocaine in his pants a couple of weeks ago, I have not mentioned it because I totally forgot until now. I knew that he ocassionally did drugs a few years ago however I did not know that he was doing them again.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Lost in the world
Posts: 107
Well it's a starting point River. I would definitely mention the drugs though. Especially with small kids in the house. Things like that have a way of getting into the wrong hands sometimes & how awful he would feel if it did. I think you need to be open & honest with him at all times, even if he doesn't like what you say. Nothing good ever comes from not communicating with your spouse.
I know how it feels not to count on him & basically be a single-mom all to well. Each day I'm sure you're getting a little bit stronger. But TALK to him.
I know how it feels not to count on him & basically be a single-mom all to well. Each day I'm sure you're getting a little bit stronger. But TALK to him.
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