LifeChangeNYC

My ex GF argued it was "HER story to tell" as well & with every year, the silence & lingering resentments started eating me alive. Not a healthy way to live.

Living in YOUR truth is the only way to overcome such huge obstacles.

PeacefulWater12

In my experience keeping secrets for addicts keeps us sicker and hooked into the addict.

SmallButMighty

Once somebody does something that affects you, that becomes part of YOUR story and you are entitled to tell YOUR story to anyone you choose. You don't need to go into personal details about the person that affected you, but you can certainly relate how their behavior affected your life. Your truth is your business, and if someone doesn't want you talking about what a jerk they were to you they shouldn't have act like a jerk in the first place!

Keeping his secrets and manipulating people to believe that my AXH and I were living a perfect life was toxic. For me, for him, for our entire family ... it was dishonest and it contributed greatly to my own downward spiral.

Piperdream

Codependy: As I read your post, I see nearly word by word exactly how I feel and where I find myself in.

I appreciate everyone's support. It really means a lot to me to have you guys... I am on this site every single day and every single night. And each passing day, I see how chaotic my life is.

As an update, I am home with my parents now. Arrived last night. My dad (RA and sober for 20 plus years), who is an "awkward" hugger, gave the longest hug ever last night. He held me tight and I teared up. I have been too embarrassed to share details with my family, though my mom knows a little bit. They obviously know my AH and I are not doing well.

I couldn't sleep at all, tossing around all night, thinking whether I should tell him that I cannot really think about reconciling (what he wants and what I have been struggling with because again, NO ACTIONS) because I am just not happy. By telling him, I mean emailing him, because I have told him not long ago that I cannot fully commit to reconciling while he is actively drinking and he's home only for a week to two weeks at a time before he goes back to work. So there is no way of telling if actual and sustainable changes are occurring. I have struggled with my own issues in the past and focusing on someone for years has really taken a toll on me. Going forward, I don't want to focus on his drinking during conversations or emails because that hasn't really gotten us anywhere. I am now more focused on telling him that I want to work on myself and well being.

Piperdream

Trailmix_ again, more sobering comments. I appreciate the fact that the last couple of responses from you gave me reality checks. Reality and truth are ugly sometimes but I know I must face them.

Regarding the financial arrangements in this relationship...I also find it strange and I have talked about it many times. In looking back, I accepted things that I shouldn't have. I have always made more money than him, which sometime and somehow it is used against me!? That is, until recently and he now earns a pretty decent salary. He thinks he is "pitching in" by giving me money to travel when I took my parents on a trip last year (I guess he may have been just "showing off," in hindsight). He also had/has a lot of debt whereas I worked really hard to have none. I have told him this is a big stressor and it's been a source of many arguments.

I realize relationships take work but shouldn't be this hard. I am so demoralized, so saddened about failing him and the marriage (I know it's part of my codependency) that I can't cut the chord. I worry about him taking care of himself (as it with many alcoholics he has had issues with money management, credit, etc) and being disappointed (admittedly, these are my own issues because we are talking about a grown man with a great, pretty well paying job here, though he won't agree to this most of the time). While I know that many of these issues are self-created and if someone, anyone told me today they were in this situation, I'd tell them "run for the hills." "Be done with it and move on." But I guess the reason I am here on SB is similar to many others who post here. This cycle of trying to rescue someone, go above and beyond while submitting to the other's persons wishes and demands, the resenting them for not appreciating my efforts and not changing is simply untenable.

I just want to escape. I have worked really hard my entire life and thinking back, never had/took time for myself. Maybe wanting to escape is simply an avoidance tactic, probably is, just like me wanting to leave and just email my AH was. I feel like I have been dealing with and taking care of other people's needs, especially my AH's unrelenting issues, for so long that I feel completely tapped out. I have nothing to give anymore to anyone, though I really try to put a good front for my family, least of all my AH and myself.

trailmix

This is a real thing, it's not just you being "weak" or unable to find that energy you used to have (where did that go?) or having the strength to keep pushing yourself.

I know exactly what you mean.

You do get tapped out emotionally. Please don't ignore this. It doesn't get better all by itself. You've heard the term "nervous breakdown" that may be where you are heading. If you give and give and do not look out for yourself, you burn out. The stress gets to you.

Even if you decide to stay with him, you really could use some focusing on yourself. Doing things you like, buying yourself something nice, visiting your family more often, renting yourself a cabin for a few days to relax on your own, spending more time with friends that make you laugh. Getting manicures and pedicures, reading books you enjoy, whatever fills you up and makes you happy.

If you don't, you won't just not be able to help him, you won't be able to help yourself and right now you are the only person you can rely on (and perhaps your family), certainly not him.

Piperdream

Thanks, Trailmix. That is one of the reasons I decided to come to see my family. I was/am so overwhelmed with the back and forth and my inability to cut ties with him. I can't cut ties entirely since I just started the divorce process.

I do love him, but maybe like others have said, the idea of what he could be...Even if I wanted to reconcile, I don't think I can fully open up and have the same relationship I had with him years ago. I can't get over the memories of the fights, criticisms, and lies. I stopped sharing my fears and anxieties with him long ago. And at the moment, bad memories are overtaking any good memories I shared with him.

Not sure who said it on this thread but maybe he just wanted to hold on to me and did not want me to go to see my family because I may just have some time to think for myself...

I am trying to muster enough courage to send an email to him. I have confirmed with my boss that I can stay out for about 2 weeks. So I am trying to send hit on an email I want to send to AH and have been working on...I am telling him that I need the space and time to work on myself and I can't do it while being together. I don't think of reconciling at the moment because I don't see any changes and it's really impossible to make decisions based on what happens in 1 to 2 weeks at a time. The focus is now on me. I am staying with my folks for a bit, work on myself, and want the clear understanding that we are separated.

I hope that I have the strength and courage to follow through. It's his birthday in a few days. I'd hate to do this so close to his birthday and am struggling planning to go NC during his birthday. He has told me in the past he has no one in this world except for me (he is estranged from his family). I have told him that the burden of that comment is great to bear... I am so anxious of making at decision nowadays ... Wish me luck.

dandylion

Piperdream…..I don't see "wanting to leave" as an "avoidance tactic"...I see it as a survival tactic!
You are entitled to survive. Even in the animal world...there is the right to survival...the right to self defense. To me--the Law of the Universe says that an organism has the right to survival...
The fact that you can say that you would like to "escape" tells me that you still have some pockets of self esteem left, within yourself...….that you still have some caring about yourself...and that you have not completely...one hundred per cent....lost your self within this marriage....
I think it is a positive sign that you are not satisfied or fulfilled by the way things are....

You are right that marriage shouldn't be this hard.....
I don't think it should become a lifetime sentence or human sacrifice....

I can imagine that you don't have anything left to give...that your emotional stores feel drained dry.....
So, it makes sense to start taking some of what is rightfully yours.....by taking the baby steps....(I think you have already begun...by filing for divorce...just keep going...
I promise that you won't shrivel up and die!!!!!

LifeChangeNYC

Piperdream: I teared up reading your last response. In so many ways, I can relate. I'm glad you were strong enough to go visit/stay 2 weeks with your parents. It's so healthy for you to be around family and/or just another environment to gain clarity. My family doesn't even know I struggled so badly & that my ex was even an alcoholic

It's my AXGF's birthday too in just a few days & I posted about it... lots of helpful suggestions were sent my way. My ex said the same thing... I was her main source of support & love in the world, etc. etc. I felt/responded, like you... that the burden & intensity of such a comment is too much. I know my ex would say many things like that on purpose (looking back)... as she knew my guilt levels were so high & I would end up coming back & staying.

For me, I've had NC with my ex for many weeks so I'm not contacting her on her birthday. Instead, I booked a therapy appointment & will be doing something nice for myself & perhaps someone else like volunteering my time, etc... something good for the world.

But honestly if I needed to send her an important email... I would send it anytime I needed to (perhaps not exactly on her birthday, maybe a few days after...) but does it matter anymore? OK so maybe timing isn't always perfect but my ex did so many horrible things on my special days... looking back, she did whatever she wanted... anytime, anywhere. Not that I'd want to "get back" at her... there just comes a time, when you've got to do whatever you feel is best for yourself.

Hope peace finds your heart over the next few days. Try to relax and savor all the love around you! Read & keep your mind busy on yourself!

FallenAngelina

Keep in mind that he is estranged because of his choices. He has no one but you because of his choices. There are plenty of wonderful people in the world besides one's family members. Why does he not have friends who celebrate with him every year? He doesn't because of his choices. His solitude is the result of his many choices. Believe me, I understand the guilt and the temptation to rush in and "be there" for our loved one, but we do them no favors at all by being there, time after time, because they have pushed everyone else away - or never reached out to make friends as they went along in life. Being alone on a birthday is the consequence of the many choices that the alcoholic has made. Buffering them from this consequence doesn't help them at all and only takes us further down their rabbit hole.

Piperdream

Dandylion: My emotional stores do feel completely drained dry! But I am taking steps to take back my life.

LCNYC: I have been reading several of your posts and they have been very helpful! It's good to read about someone going through the recovery process. It's a daily struggle to go NC, especially during symbolic days. But I started thinking, why? What would me contacting him on his birthday achieve? Nothing. It will just make things worse.

FA: While it's true the isolation is due to his choices, it is still so sad. I still can't ignore the fact that it's heart breaking that he feels (or thinks) he has no one.

An update: I have been keeping busy. I am still with my family and have been spending every opportunity to spend time with my nieces and nephew. I have allowed myself to let go and just be present in the moment with these kids. I don't have kids myself and I very close with them. I am feeling so very blessed right now.

But backing up a few days, I finally sent an email to AH that I was done. That I need to work on myself and while I still love him, I want him to work on himself without the burden of "me" and without the burden of trying to repair our marriage. That I cannot do this back and forth any longer.

He called me right away and me being so very foolish, I answered. I shouldn't have but I did. He said that it's not me, that he still wants to try. He wants to grow old with me and no one else. That's the reason he came back. I told him that I don't want to talk since he had been drinking. He got upset and said he's fine to talk. I got firm and told him that he's not respecting my boundaries but he just kept going. It was absolutely crazy making! We talked for a bit and he promised that he'd go into treatment if I stayed. I told him no, not for me. Getting into treatment must be for him. Not for me (there have been too many broken promises in the past). We chatted for a minute or two when he started telling me that I am not even willing to try to save the marriage. This is a hard time in our marriage but we can make it work, he said. It's not fair for him to say that I am just giving up when I have been trying so damn hard. He got agitated at which point I also started getting upset. I didn't want to get into it AGAIN. So I hung up. He called right away and texted but I didn't answer...

I finally told my sister yesterday (she took me out for a facial and massage ). I told her of AH. She told me that she had her suspicions but didn't want to interfere. She was supportive and told me that she just wants me to be happy. No reason to stay with someone when I'm so unhappy. Having grown up with an AD, she knew the trappings of being in a marriage with an A. That I need to find my own way to happiness.

I finally told (unloaded) my mom as well. I probably told her about 60 to 70%. I had told her some of the things but not the severity of the situation. I don't think I'll ever be able to tell anyone 100% of what happened. After years of being in an unhappy marriage and fearing my family's reaction, I am relieved. I am also feeling so incredibly blessed to have such great and supportive family right now. They are keeping me strong. Also by telling them, I think I finally admitted the truth. Now it's in the open. Now I can't and won't go back. I won't take him back for the **th time. I am done.

I am determined to take care of myself. One step at a time. I forgot how good it feels not to walk on eggshells. How good it feels to make my own choices and not have someone watching over and criticizing me. How good it is to feels loved and supported. How good it feels not to see my AH passed on the sofa and not smell alcohol on anyone's breath, LOL.

I just pray that I can remain strong. I pray that I can go NC, even on his birthday which is in a few days. We still need to sort out living arrangements and proceeding with the divorce process but I feel a sense of peace that I haven't felt in a long time. Perhaps it will come back once I go back home but for now, I am grateful for the progress I am making. Thank you everyone for "listening" me vent. I know many of you heard similar stories many many times. So I appreciate your patience and support.

trailmix

I am so happy to hear you are feeling better Piperdream. The facial and massage sounds like such a nice way to spend time with your Sister.

Anytime you aren't feeling so strong, perhaps read the post you just made.

rescuer

Well done Piperdream! I remember it was a HUGE relief when I stopped hiding it and finally told my family about my wife's alcoholism.

djlook

Piperdream.

From reading your original post, you've come a long way. I'm so glad you have a loving, supportive family who love and appreciates you.

As far as your husband promising that he'll go to rehab, rehab doesn't cure alcoholism. My son just returned from a 30 day in-house treatment program, followed up by two weeks of outpatient therapy. Upon his release, it was suggested, of course, that he attend many AA meetings, get a sponsor, and start working the steps.

The first two weeks after his release, he attended a few AA meetings, got a sponsor, then threw himself back into work. He's irritable, not sleeping, restless, and he will not go to meetings. He's very angry.

Rehab doesn't cure the disease. Lots of people go into rehab to save a marriage or a job. When they go for those reasons, usually it doesn't help them. Some do catch on because they're in a sober environment, then follow up with meetings and a sponsor, but more don't than do. Good luck to you. You're doing great. It takes a lot of courage to do what you're doing.

Piperdream

Thanks, Trailmix, rescuer, and DJ! Each day that passes, I do feel stronger. But I am also dreading going back home (need to go back to work). Hopefully he will have returned to work by then and will avoid seeing him for at least a couple of more weeks. I need to communicate to him to get his stuff out and for him to find a place. I really don't feel strong enough to do any of that right now. The lease is in both our names and since it was recently renewed, I can't break it without penalty. But I also cover all the bills including the rent so I'd be the one to retain the place and should be okay paying everything on my own.

He sent a couple of texts this evening. My heart is POUNDING. I had an immediate reaction to them, not in a good way. My anxiety came back with a vengeance. I don't want to respond but I don't want him to be upset either (sad, isn't it). So the peace and serenity I was feeling went quickly out the window...

I haven't responded. But he worded it in a way that he is asking a question related to the lease. Do I respond? Do I not? I told him about it a couple of months ago but he probably forgot. The reaction that I just had confirms that I was not in a good place with AH, with myself and that starting the divorce proceedings was the right thing to do.

I also got the Marital Settlement Agreement from the attorney today. Everything looks correct. Are there any recommendations on whether one should wait/delay to have that filed with the court or do it right away? Delaying it by a few weeks won't impact the final dissolution date at all. The reason I ask is that I don't want to p!ss AH off when he is already hot from our recent discussions about me wanting to move forward with the divorce. Admittedly, a small part of my indecision is due to not wanting to hurt him, though this is inevitable. But mostly, it is because I don't want him to be upset while things are very much strained to us (I sent him an email breaking things off a few days ago). I want him to have time to cool off. Suggestions and feedback are welcome!

trailmix

Yes, going back home will be tough but at least you have this time to reflect back on.

Replying to the text, that's a tough one. I am guessing he included the lease information to get a response? If it actually does need a reply, then I would, information about the lease only.

As for the marital settlement filing, I think you probably know best. If it's not a good idea right this minute then maybe not. You don't know when a notification or copy will arrive (if one is sent to you or him), what if they are really efficient and it arrives the day you get home. I think I would be tempted to ask the lawyer what the timing is and base my decision on when you think it will cause the least disruption perhaps.

hopeful4

My suggestion is to focus on what is good for YOU. Maybe that means blocking him except for every other day when you have a family member there to support you when you read/respond. I had to do that for a while, it helped me a lot.

I also think you have to stop walking around on eggshells and worrying if he will be mad. He is going to be upset no matter what. Don't focus on that. Focus on YOU, how you are feeling and what you need. This is just a step. Don't delay it because of his feelings.

Sending lots of support! I am so happy you are opening up to your family, you need face to face support from those who love you, that will help you immensely! Well done!

Piperdream

I just need to get this out. I am floored. I am completely surprised by tonight's turn of events. It's especially tough tonight.

AH and I texted each other tonight. I am still with my family and had sent him an email a few days ago that I could no longer do the back and forth dance and that we need to be be apart and that he needs to let me go. And that I need to let him go. We fought that night and I hung up.

Tonight, he is telling me that he will soon be going back to work (this was already planned and expected), he plans to be out for a month and will be back next month to pick up his things. He said that he plans to secure an apartment and already updated his direct deposit form so that his paycheck goes into an old account he has (I had opened a new individual account and changed my direct deposit about 2 months ago). He still said "I know this is what you want..." He apologized. He was sweet and kind. He said he failed me, let me down, and that he had no right to drag me into his messy world. But he will work on himself and try to get his life together. I apologized for failing him and us. It hurts to much.

Maybe we will cross paths again in the future. Right now, I need to work on myself and my deep controlling and other codependency issues as much as he needs to work on his own. I need to let him go...

I just needed to post here tonight. I have been reading the posts whenever I have time. Your support have been incredibly meaningful and helpful. Thank you.