Fell in love with an alcoholic
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
Originally Posted by thegrasshopper 
this is exactly it. In my sick head I just still think that the good things about him outweight the drinking and that it's the good things that make him who REALLY is!
But I guess it's because I don't really know him or understand what his drinking would mean for me. As i said in the beginning I have never had any dealing with an alcoholic before..
My mother was always very submissive to my father and she would do anything to please him, not that he would appreciate it,, everything revolved around him and he was the most important person in the house. I wonder if that has anything to do with fact that I have gotten into this whole mess in the first place and can't seem to be able to get out
But I guess it's because I don't really know him or understand what his drinking would mean for me. As i said in the beginning I have never had any dealing with an alcoholic before..
My mother was always very submissive to my father and she would do anything to please him, not that he would appreciate it,, everything revolved around him and he was the most important person in the house. I wonder if that has anything to do with fact that I have gotten into this whole mess in the first place and can't seem to be able to get out
She is a major control freak. I don’t like confrontation partially because my mom was always right, or at least she thought so. My first marriage was not to an alcoholic (his dad was) but he was a control freak as well and addicted to exercise. As long as everything went his way everything was good. But he was my fist love after I left my mom so I basically went from one codependent relationship to another and then to another (my ex RAH). I have learned a lot from counseling and I still do not like confrontation and I still like to please people to a certain degree but I have learned to put myself first and set boundaries and that my feelings are my feelings. And most importantly, i cannot make anyone happy, I am not responsible for other people’s feelings or happiness (unless of course you are being a jerk on purpose and try and hurt people) but most people are not like that). And no one can make me happy but me. A partner can complement happiness but they cannot make you happy. You have to learn to be happy without someone. I have never been truly single until now, at 40 some years old. I went from my mom to my ex to my other ex. It is pretty liberating actually. It is sad it took me so long to unlearn these bad habits but better late than never. They should teach that stuff in high school.
Read codependent no more if you haven’t yet. Also if you can find Pleasure unwoven, it is a really good documentary on alcoholism.
I never knew I needed counseling as bad as I did. I always just kept going with a smile on my face and keep everyone happy and forgetting about myself. It took me a long time to stop doing that and not feel guilty about it. Without counseling I would not been able to get out of the dark hole of codependency. Not that I am completely out but I don’t ever go back there. And I also want to avoid my kid going down that road.
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 51
Grasshopper... I totally understand what you say by "Functioning Alcoholic". My boyfriend was just the same.. went to work every single day and no one suspected he drank. Vodka was his choice of poison. Just the other day he drank and called me crying.. He realized he was gonna have to go seek help or lose everything. What floored me was he told me he no longer wanted a relationship when he just called me earlier that morning to tell me good morning and that he loved me.
Your ex fooled many coworkers as mine did. But it all catches up to them. That one drink in the morning adds to more. We tell them to please stop but they can't. Even though they may love us they don't stop. You miss him and that's ok. It's tough to let someone go that you have spent time with making wonderful memories. I too tend to "push" the bad times out and focus on the good. It's human nature!
To heal you need to cut him out. I'm trying to do this myself and it's very difficult. I will pray for you thru this journey. Joining this group has helped me so much to read that other people are dealing with the same issues . You are not alone. Pray to god for peace and closure. Take it step by step. I wish we just had a switch to flip to cut out the pain but unfortunately we don't. Hold your head high knowing you are worthy of so much more. you deserve it!!!
Your ex fooled many coworkers as mine did. But it all catches up to them. That one drink in the morning adds to more. We tell them to please stop but they can't. Even though they may love us they don't stop. You miss him and that's ok. It's tough to let someone go that you have spent time with making wonderful memories. I too tend to "push" the bad times out and focus on the good. It's human nature!
To heal you need to cut him out. I'm trying to do this myself and it's very difficult. I will pray for you thru this journey. Joining this group has helped me so much to read that other people are dealing with the same issues . You are not alone. Pray to god for peace and closure. Take it step by step. I wish we just had a switch to flip to cut out the pain but unfortunately we don't. Hold your head high knowing you are worthy of so much more. you deserve it!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
And the reason why he talks to me now is because I encouraged it..
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 223
Unrelated to the alcohol issue, this man is your supervisor and he dated you while being deceitful, and now you were worried about him giving you a bad attitude at work after he dumped you? If he is not the owner of the company, if you get any ounce of negativity from him related to not being his girlfriend, I would go straight to upper management or HR. That is sexual-harassment. full stop. If he wants to be a sleazebag in the wild, that’s his right, but it is your right not to be treated badly as a result of the sexual conduct of your supervisor at work.
I realize love can be blinding, and many of us here can tell you how charming alcoholics can be. But this guy has sleazebag written all over him. Run away. Protect yourself at work.
I realize love can be blinding, and many of us here can tell you how charming alcoholics can be. But this guy has sleazebag written all over him. Run away. Protect yourself at work.
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 48
I'm going through the same thing except we aren't broken up yet.
I have heard the book Codependent No More is really good. I'm reading my way through Copdendency for Dummies.
We aren't broken up yet, but I've already started preparing for the grieving process.
I joined meetup.com to meet some new friends and keep me busy.
I have heard the book Codependent No More is really good. I'm reading my way through Copdendency for Dummies.
We aren't broken up yet, but I've already started preparing for the grieving process.
I joined meetup.com to meet some new friends and keep me busy.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 10
Hi everyone,
I thought I would check in, maybe some of you still remember me and this desperate post of mine a few months back.
..
Just wanted to start with a massive THANK YOU to all of you here. This forum and the things I have read in response to my post and many others like mine (as it turns out my story was hardly original, just quite typical so it seems) have helped me a GREAT deal. I was reading it almost every day for quite a period of time (unfortunately wasn't able to provide much advice to others myself). I read stories here that I could swear were about me and him - and it was eye opening. I wasn't alone in my struggles, I wasn't crazy, but I also wasn't special - nor he or his love was.
You guys were right 100% from the very beginning. I won't go into details as it's too long a story, but at the end of May I eventually managed to stay away and go ZERO contact. And you know what (yes you do)?
Time DOES heal. I thought I'd love and long for him FOREVER. But. I won't!
I haven't cried because of him for a really, really long time. With the time passing I realise more and more ridiculous things that he did and that I fell for.. And yes the sex was amazing and perhaps this was why I was clinging onto him and the idea of us that much - but the memory fades! And in terms of the amount of suffering he has caused me - intentionally or not - I do not try to justify him and his actions anymore. I finally accepted and internalised the idea that he has been an ******* and he has treated me badly. Full stop.
Today I learned that he got engaged to that woman he'd just started seeing then. And he's not even divorced yet (facepalm)! What makes me laugh (but is sad really) is that when we last spoke he told me he didn't love her (they had been dating for 6-7 weeks by then), didn't want to remarry or ever have another baby (things he had wanted to do with me), but these were the things that she wanted - so they did seem to have different goals in life. And now he's engaged to her and it makes me LAUGH! NOT sad, that it's not me, no - I just find it funny - sad and a bit pathetic.
I do feel sorry for him you know. Seems to me that he is about to ruin his life even more by doing things that he really doesn't want to do just to please others, or perhaps he does them in pursuit of happiness.... Either way, he is just completely lost. I have no idea if he's drinking or not, all I know is that he has been in the hospital with pneumonia (pretty serious apparently - which makes me think his drinking must be quite advanced no?) and even if he's not drinking now, he probably will start again once the honeymoon period of this new relationship ends.
The thing is though - in any ase - I honestly DO NOT CARE what he does and if he's sober or not. Remember when I was trying to be his friend and felt like the only person who could support him and understand him?? Right now I wish I never had to see him again.
Thank you all for being here.
I hope people who are in a similar situation now that I was in a few months ago can read this and have hope - that awful feeling of loneliness and hurtbreak does eventually go away - with time. Just stay away and protect yourselves.
I thought I would check in, maybe some of you still remember me and this desperate post of mine a few months back.
..
Just wanted to start with a massive THANK YOU to all of you here. This forum and the things I have read in response to my post and many others like mine (as it turns out my story was hardly original, just quite typical so it seems) have helped me a GREAT deal. I was reading it almost every day for quite a period of time (unfortunately wasn't able to provide much advice to others myself). I read stories here that I could swear were about me and him - and it was eye opening. I wasn't alone in my struggles, I wasn't crazy, but I also wasn't special - nor he or his love was.
You guys were right 100% from the very beginning. I won't go into details as it's too long a story, but at the end of May I eventually managed to stay away and go ZERO contact. And you know what (yes you do)?
Time DOES heal. I thought I'd love and long for him FOREVER. But. I won't!
I haven't cried because of him for a really, really long time. With the time passing I realise more and more ridiculous things that he did and that I fell for.. And yes the sex was amazing and perhaps this was why I was clinging onto him and the idea of us that much - but the memory fades! And in terms of the amount of suffering he has caused me - intentionally or not - I do not try to justify him and his actions anymore. I finally accepted and internalised the idea that he has been an ******* and he has treated me badly. Full stop.
Today I learned that he got engaged to that woman he'd just started seeing then. And he's not even divorced yet (facepalm)! What makes me laugh (but is sad really) is that when we last spoke he told me he didn't love her (they had been dating for 6-7 weeks by then), didn't want to remarry or ever have another baby (things he had wanted to do with me), but these were the things that she wanted - so they did seem to have different goals in life. And now he's engaged to her and it makes me LAUGH! NOT sad, that it's not me, no - I just find it funny - sad and a bit pathetic.
I do feel sorry for him you know. Seems to me that he is about to ruin his life even more by doing things that he really doesn't want to do just to please others, or perhaps he does them in pursuit of happiness.... Either way, he is just completely lost. I have no idea if he's drinking or not, all I know is that he has been in the hospital with pneumonia (pretty serious apparently - which makes me think his drinking must be quite advanced no?) and even if he's not drinking now, he probably will start again once the honeymoon period of this new relationship ends.
The thing is though - in any ase - I honestly DO NOT CARE what he does and if he's sober or not. Remember when I was trying to be his friend and felt like the only person who could support him and understand him?? Right now I wish I never had to see him again.
Thank you all for being here.
I hope people who are in a similar situation now that I was in a few months ago can read this and have hope - that awful feeling of loneliness and hurtbreak does eventually go away - with time. Just stay away and protect yourselves.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Hi grasshopper, so glad to hear from you and happy about how things turned out (I mean in general, that you are in a much better place now).
I'm glad to hear you are healing. You know, I wouldn't worry too much about his messed up life. He has the opportunity to stop at any time, just like you did. He chooses not to. He didn't have to stumble out of one relationship in to another, he doesn't have to go around hurting other people and himself, but that's his path right now.
I hope you will stick around and share that wisdom with others.
I'm glad to hear you are healing. You know, I wouldn't worry too much about his messed up life. He has the opportunity to stop at any time, just like you did. He chooses not to. He didn't have to stumble out of one relationship in to another, he doesn't have to go around hurting other people and himself, but that's his path right now.
I hope you will stick around and share that wisdom with others.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
Originally Posted by thegrasshopper
Hi everyone,
I thought I would check in, maybe some of you still remember me and this desperate post of mine a few months back.
..
Just wanted to start with a massive THANK YOU to all of you here. This forum and the things I have read in response to my post and many others like mine (as it turns out my story was hardly original, just quite typical so it seems) have helped me a GREAT deal. I was reading it almost every day for quite a period of time (unfortunately wasn't able to provide much advice to others myself). I read stories here that I could swear were about me and him - and it was eye opening. I wasn't alone in my struggles, I wasn't crazy, but I also wasn't special - nor he or his love was.
You guys were right 100% from the very beginning. I won't go into details as it's too long a story, but at the end of May I eventually managed to stay away and go ZERO contact. And you know what (yes you do)?
Time DOES heal. I thought I'd love and long for him FOREVER. But. I won't!
I haven't cried because of him for a really, really long time. With the time passing I realise more and more ridiculous things that he did and that I fell for.. And yes the sex was amazing and perhaps this was why I was clinging onto him and the idea of us that much - but the memory fades! And in terms of the amount of suffering he has caused me - intentionally or not - I do not try to justify him and his actions anymore. I finally accepted and internalised the idea that he has been an ******* and he has treated me badly. Full stop.
Today I learned that he got engaged to that woman he'd just started seeing then. And he's not even divorced yet (facepalm)! What makes me laugh (but is sad really) is that when we last spoke he told me he didn't love her (they had been dating for 6-7 weeks by then), didn't want to remarry or ever have another baby (things he had wanted to do with me), but these were the things that she wanted - so they did seem to have different goals in life. And now he's engaged to her and it makes me LAUGH! NOT sad, that it's not me, no - I just find it funny - sad and a bit pathetic.
I do feel sorry for him you know. Seems to me that he is about to ruin his life even more by doing things that he really doesn't want to do just to please others, or perhaps he does them in pursuit of happiness.... Either way, he is just completely lost. I have no idea if he's drinking or not, all I know is that he has been in the hospital with pneumonia (pretty serious apparently - which makes me think his drinking must be quite advanced no?) and even if he's not drinking now, he probably will start again once the honeymoon period of this new relationship ends.
The thing is though - in any ase - I honestly DO NOT CARE what he does and if he's sober or not. Remember when I was trying to be his friend and felt like the only person who could support him and understand him?? Right now I wish I never had to see him again.
Thank you all for being here.
I hope people who are in a similar situation now that I was in a few months ago can read this and have hope - that awful feeling of loneliness and hurtbreak does eventually go away - with time. Just stay away and protect yourselves.
I thought I would check in, maybe some of you still remember me and this desperate post of mine a few months back.
..
Just wanted to start with a massive THANK YOU to all of you here. This forum and the things I have read in response to my post and many others like mine (as it turns out my story was hardly original, just quite typical so it seems) have helped me a GREAT deal. I was reading it almost every day for quite a period of time (unfortunately wasn't able to provide much advice to others myself). I read stories here that I could swear were about me and him - and it was eye opening. I wasn't alone in my struggles, I wasn't crazy, but I also wasn't special - nor he or his love was.
You guys were right 100% from the very beginning. I won't go into details as it's too long a story, but at the end of May I eventually managed to stay away and go ZERO contact. And you know what (yes you do)?
Time DOES heal. I thought I'd love and long for him FOREVER. But. I won't!
I haven't cried because of him for a really, really long time. With the time passing I realise more and more ridiculous things that he did and that I fell for.. And yes the sex was amazing and perhaps this was why I was clinging onto him and the idea of us that much - but the memory fades! And in terms of the amount of suffering he has caused me - intentionally or not - I do not try to justify him and his actions anymore. I finally accepted and internalised the idea that he has been an ******* and he has treated me badly. Full stop.
Today I learned that he got engaged to that woman he'd just started seeing then. And he's not even divorced yet (facepalm)! What makes me laugh (but is sad really) is that when we last spoke he told me he didn't love her (they had been dating for 6-7 weeks by then), didn't want to remarry or ever have another baby (things he had wanted to do with me), but these were the things that she wanted - so they did seem to have different goals in life. And now he's engaged to her and it makes me LAUGH! NOT sad, that it's not me, no - I just find it funny - sad and a bit pathetic.
I do feel sorry for him you know. Seems to me that he is about to ruin his life even more by doing things that he really doesn't want to do just to please others, or perhaps he does them in pursuit of happiness.... Either way, he is just completely lost. I have no idea if he's drinking or not, all I know is that he has been in the hospital with pneumonia (pretty serious apparently - which makes me think his drinking must be quite advanced no?) and even if he's not drinking now, he probably will start again once the honeymoon period of this new relationship ends.
The thing is though - in any ase - I honestly DO NOT CARE what he does and if he's sober or not. Remember when I was trying to be his friend and felt like the only person who could support him and understand him?? Right now I wish I never had to see him again.
Thank you all for being here.
I hope people who are in a similar situation now that I was in a few months ago can read this and have hope - that awful feeling of loneliness and hurtbreak does eventually go away - with time. Just stay away and protect yourselves.
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