LovePeaceSushi

As a blemish has to come to a head, I think our situation did tonight when my daughter came to me, her face crumpled up like a napkin and said "why are my dad and my stepdad both alcoholics? What did *I* do?"

I felt like crap. All the while, I thought she, in her young, but infinite wisdom knew that she had NOTHING to do with the alcoholism in her life. Instead, she was finally so vulnerable......wanting an answer. I said something to the effect of "honey, don't you know? You have absolutely NOTHING to do with that!!! There's nothing you could have done or not done, and they still would have done the same thing."

I feel horrible. She told me that at her private school, if she tries to talk about this (to the students; the teachers are phenomenal) they make her feel like white trash. (her words).

Alateen is on the horizon, and she's got a girl in her church life group that goes. So far, choir has gotten in the way, but that night is about to get shifted to where she can go on a weekly basis.

It also made me realize that no matter my personal reservations; I need to get into Alanon. It's not just about me. I need to be so much better than just this woman that does business, cooks dinner, and keeps the dog hair off the floor.

Mango212

Bekindalways

Kudos to you! And thanks for the giggle about the dog hair! . . . .sometimes I like dog-hair type problems; they are so much simpler to deal with than our own failings and relationships.

mylifeismine

"they make her feel like white trash. (her words). "

This is about the shame that children of alcoholics carry with themselves
through their life if they are not educated about the family disease of
alcoholism. This shame, if not addressed, is part of what leads to codependency
in relationships. It is so important that she attend alateen and have the
message of the three C's reinforced over and over and over.

dawnrising

LovePeaceSushi - I commend you for being so open to doing what will help your DD process the situation. The two most painful experiences of my life were 1) the night my daughter and I attended our first Alanon meeting - I couldn't believe that this was our life and it had led to us needing to go to Alanon 2) the therapy session that followed that meeting a few days later where I sat quietly and listened to my daughter tell me how I failed to protect her and how she wished I had done things so differently. With as much pain that came with those two events my DD and I have the closest relationship you can possibly imagine. We went through all of it together while respecting each others progress and feelings. She is in college now across the country 6hr plane ride away. I hear from her every other day at a minimum. I shudder to think what our relationship would be like now had we not walked through this awful mess together. My point being you are doing a wonderful thing and no matter how painful there will be hidden gifts so be open to seeing them. hugs to you and your DD

PS best piece of advice I ever received- make sure your carpet and your couch match the color of your dog

SmallButMighty

It's just so damn heartbreaking when you see how it affects the young people.

My kids were raised in an alkie/codie home, just like my codie self and their alcoholic father were. It's a cycle that continues until we break it.

My daughter was on a fast path to being just like my mother and myself(at the time), it was what she saw growing up so it was what she knew. She was about 21, living with a guy that was about 26. He was back in college after a hiatus due to his previous girlfriend tragically passing away...AND he was drinking, hard. This was all happening right after my AXH and I had split up. My daughter was still a little angry with me (because it was me that got labelled the bad guy by everyone when I chose to leave AXH). Despite her not being happy with me, she knew I was the parent she could talk to about what was happening. One thing I suggested was that she read "Codependent No More" and she did. It helped her make a wise decision regarding that broken young man, and it also helped patch up things between her and I. She could now see the generational problem we had going on in our family. The turn around in my daughter was phenomenal. The way she approaches life now at 25 is so much better then how I did at that age. She has boundaries and she honors them. I often hear her say, " That's not a me problem".... sometimes she will even tell me, "Mum, that's not a you problem"...wow... I was in my 40s before I was OK with that concept... so glad she learned at 20 what I didn't learn until 40 and what my mother in her 70s will never understand.

When we know better we do better...and you are doing great LPS! Keep at it.

*Big hugs for you and your daughter*

hopeful4

That is heartwrenching. Get her in counseling. Now, if she is not already.

Huge, huge hugs.

Sasha1972

Counselling could be a godsend, if you find a therapist who really gets addiction.

I've had a similar experience with my kid - I assume she had really internalized all the "it's not your fault/responsibility" messaging I had tried to give her, but when her father's access was suspended because he failed another breathalyzer, her first reaction was anxiety - "if I'm not around, he might drink more! I help him to stay sober". She gets this from her father - he tells her he's staying sober "for her" and that seeing her frequently helps him not drink. This may actually feel true for him, but for an adolescent, it gets turned into responsibilization. She doesn't have the maturity or the perspective (or the boundaries) to think "my father's substance use is his problem, not anyone else's".

dandylion

LOL! It took me about 5 minutes to get dawnrising's joke about the dog hair.....

Hawkeye13

I was that child--sure it was me that "caused" the drinking.

No adult could really convince me it wasn't. After all, if family life was so miserable my parent had to drink to numb themselves, then I obviously wasn't good enough as a daughter and had failed.

The feeling of not-good-enough, as well as the feeling of simply being unsafe emotionally in my own home, has haunted me my whole life (now 54) and made emotional stability pretty difficult, and creating & maintaining healthy human connections very counter-intuitive. I grew up in dysfunction, so that's what I know.

It's a sad thing. I'm sorry for you and your daughter.

AnvilheadII

we might think we are "protecting" our children while remaining in a toxic marriage to an addict, but the truth is they see and they hear and they know. but they do not have the reasoning capacity to understand WHY, so they believe it must be THEM and something they do wrong.

ACOAs aren't hatched, they start as 3 year olds, 5 year olds, 12 years old living in a toxic, dysfunctional environment and having to find someway to survive. and those "survival" skills last well into adulthood and are very hard to shake. even when they no longer serve any good purpose.

Wombaticus

Those moments are devastating... but can be an opportunity to educate about the illness, its causes and effects. As well as counselling, what about a trip to the family doctor who could explain things in easy to understand medical terms and give her reassurance? I took my son and it was really useful.

hopeful4

I understand how private school can be. My child is in private school, and many times I felt the odd one out, that surely no one else was going through this. Until I realized I am wrong. There are others. Addiction has no social boundaries.

I would recommend speaking to the school, a counselor, or trusted teacher even that your child could possibly bond with. I was open and honest with the school and they have been a God send.

NYCDoglvr

Beautifully said. It's the children who are the real victims and many go on to become alcoholics as a way of dealing with the pain. Yes, Alateen could be a lifesaver.