Glenjo99

I'm feeling a bit sad tonight.

I'm realising that EVERYONE in my life is codependent. It's overwhelming. I've started to put myself out there again in terms of friends and going for meals and reengaging with them after a good while being in seclusion because of the ex I was obsessed with.

I'm trying to keep on the journey of self love, self care, self improvement that Is codependent recovery. However I'm noticing without wanting to sound snobbish that's my friends I'm reconnecting with are equally if not more codependent and I'll be honest with this new awarenesses I have, it makes me uneasy. No coincidence!

They still want the same things, the same ways of life and I don't. They sense it from me. I can't help not pretending anymore. It's created a different dynamic.

Do I leave my friends behind now too? I feel honestly I'm never going to grow around or with them. One in particular is all about partying and drinking, shes 43. I'm too old for it and want a relationship with someone who probably does not drink.

Has anyone else experienced these types of feelings?

Mango212

The friends who are meant to be in my life keep coming back into in amazing timing, on similar, connected journeys. I'm not missing the others like I had thought I would. Life changes. As I embrace this and allow ease, satisfaction and joy in the moment, I see enough good that keeps me moving ahead.

Name issues. Have awareness. Allow a greater focus on things I can make a positive change with for myself. It does get easier with practice.

In regards to this CPS case, seeing who's against me, in allowing awareness, meditation and discussing things within my support network, is important. For 10-20 minutes of that, I then allow hours of having my focus on other moments of life. Itrust in things working out very well for me and DS12 ***together***. The magic of life, by whatever name one may give it, is stronger than anything else. This is the experience I keep having.

Mango212

What does your healthy support network look like? Perhaps simply look at increasing that in baby steps and see where it goes.

trailmix

I don't think you necessarily have to. You can have friends who aren't like you can't you?

I'm sure I have probably had friends who were codependent and I have those that are not. You mentioned you met your friend for lunch, maybe that is all you guys will do together from now on, meet for a meal now and then, have some chit chat, go to a concert?

Then there are the close friends, ones like the guy you met, who like deep conversation and looking at different perspectives etc. I don't know if you two are still in touch but maybe that is a friendship to pursue more if you are comfortable doing that. Maybe you will have an opportunity to meet more of his friends.

Why not take a night course in psychology? People who have an interest in the mind will be there!

I don't know, I think there can be a place in our lives for all kinds of people with all kinds of perspectives and maybe all of them won't be "besties" but they might be fun or kind etc.

AnvilheadII

early recovery is a bit like the dynamic of buying a new car. suddenly you see YOUR CAR everywhere. it is where our awareness is drawn. i think that might be part of how the whole "make no big changes in the first year" came to be. we get so much new information, we are learning a new way of living. and it's so way better we want EVERYONE to know about it. we lean towards proselytizing.

just observe. you were part of this group not that long ago.....you are changing, but it still has only been a few months. stay the course, focus on you.

Glenjo99

I had forgotten that whole make no big changes in the first year piece, can see why now.

I suppose if I'm honest I'm not enjoying dipping my toe back in the social water again, so for now I'll take it slow and focus on me as you say.

Glenjo99

Makes a lot of sense. I suppose I can learn to say no aswell if I don't want to go to gatherings that don't fill me with joy. I really do need to get in contact with that guy again and catch a show or concert, I have a tendency to take a step back with exes, almost like my confidence has taken a knock lately. I do like deep conversations and more of those are what id like.

pdm22

You know that expression, for when people aren’t aware of something but spot it in others, “you spot it, you got it”? Maybe it’s like that, only you are aware (you got it, you spot it)? I think sometimes when you learn something new, and it’s significant, it can shake things up a little bit, but eventually things settle down again.

That happened to me too with the partying, when I was done with it, I was done, and rarely will you find me in those types of environments. I still have friends that do, but we just get together for dinner or movies, things like that. As far as codependency type stuff, I think if you bring it back to your own differentiated self (my stuff, their stuff), it helps a little. I do have that one friend who I mentioned in another thread, who is mixed up again with that guy who is bad news, giving him money for his schemes, which he turns around and spends on heroin, all of this other stuff, but I told her if she’s going to continue doing that kind of thing, I just don’t want to know.

Needabreak

I have had to let go of some friends who were heavy on the partying over the last few years, and I have also had to let go of some friends who were codependent and stuck in dysfunction, and unwilling to change. I think this is natural though. As we grow older, we change. Things that I found fun when I was in my 20s (going out to bars, etc.) stopped being fun when I was in my 40s, especially after dealing with my alcoholic / addicted ex. I guess we either go down that rabbit hole or we get out. For me, I have had to learn to distance myself from people who make bad decisions in terms of substances and in terms of love, so that their decisions don't impact my life and happiness.

Also, I came to realize a few years ago that I was a people pleaser, with a tendency to overlook bad behavior in order to make relationships -- work, friends and dating -- succeed. I hated the feeling of tension / lack of resolution in my relationships, and would subordinate my own needs and desires in order to "keep the peace."

When I fully realized this (and it was a process), I stopped with the people-pleasing and set standards and boundaries. It was difficult at first, some friends and colleagues fell away, and there was a period where I felt very much alone. There are many people in this world who see no reason to change their dysfunctional lives and who would rather project the responsibility for their unhappiness onto others so that they don't have to look at themselves. We people-pleasers make the perfect target for that projection.

But I used that period of aloneness to work on myself, and to make new friends who are stable, successful in their businesses / careers, and living healthy lives.

Change and growth are difficult, which is why so many people remain stuck. Now I look back and see how important that period of being alone and working on myself was to becoming who I am today, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Be patient, Glenjo, with yourself and others, and remember that people aren't being codependent AT you. It's not personal, it's just where they are at. You've made good progress, but it was just 3 or 4 months ago that you were totally enmeshed with an addict, and just as unhealthy as he was :-) Real change takes time and happens in steps.

hopeful4

I remember the first time I went out with a dear friend after I was divorced. It was about a year or so later, maybe even more. We went and had a few drinks, it was laid back, pretty fun. Two men we are friends w/invited us to another club. One of these men is married and I am friends w/his wife. It was just friends.

We get there and I was AMAZED to see the same people who hung out at the club in college were there! I mean, really?? Is this what they do...ALL THE TIME??? Wow. I was astounded, and a little grossed out. Then my friend went and randomly hooked up with the unmarried guy who we had went with. I mean literally, out in the parking lot, hooking up like a teen in heat. I could not believe it.

We are still friends, but definitely I cooled our relationship after that. She is now in a committed relationship and I think she was just going through a wild time after her own divorce, but it really made me look at my life and who I want to be, and that was not it!

I think it's fine to keep those people on the back burner, but I also think you should find new friends with the same value system that you have. I have found it's much more important to have a couple of real friends than many "surface" friends.

Big hugs.