Delusional thinking
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 309
Delusional thinking
AS still on the roller coaster- relapse, treatment, relapse, repeat...
Got into a recovery home with IOP and I thought that would be great.. again he gets so far and then hates IOP, tells us it makes him want to use, not getting anything out of it, etc. Again, quits against recommendations ... Wasn't allowed to live in the home w/out doing their IOP so he got angry and left... got his own place.... living alone again... still had a job at that time not sure about now..
Even said himself he needed to have support around him and accountability...Well, you all know what happened- relapsed bad. Reached out to me after about 3 weeks no contact said he feels he had a seizure, etc. got a detox set up for him and he refused to go. Went to the er instead for meds and was released. Continued drinking, missed soon to be 3 weeks of work, this past weekend depression over took him and he posted somewhere that he was going to take his life (friends were calling me and telling me)... i called for a welfare check and of course this is where the delusional thinking comes in. He was angry at me and called the police on me to make me stop being involved, etc. I now have blocked his calls/texts . I am done. How and when will he ever rise above this and realize what this is doing to him. feeling hopeless about now. just not sure if and when and how he will ever be willing to go more than 60 days to actually see what recovery can look like. At Alanon last night the reading said we have to be supportive and compassionate when they relapse.... I failed at that.
Got into a recovery home with IOP and I thought that would be great.. again he gets so far and then hates IOP, tells us it makes him want to use, not getting anything out of it, etc. Again, quits against recommendations ... Wasn't allowed to live in the home w/out doing their IOP so he got angry and left... got his own place.... living alone again... still had a job at that time not sure about now..
Even said himself he needed to have support around him and accountability...Well, you all know what happened- relapsed bad. Reached out to me after about 3 weeks no contact said he feels he had a seizure, etc. got a detox set up for him and he refused to go. Went to the er instead for meds and was released. Continued drinking, missed soon to be 3 weeks of work, this past weekend depression over took him and he posted somewhere that he was going to take his life (friends were calling me and telling me)... i called for a welfare check and of course this is where the delusional thinking comes in. He was angry at me and called the police on me to make me stop being involved, etc. I now have blocked his calls/texts . I am done. How and when will he ever rise above this and realize what this is doing to him. feeling hopeless about now. just not sure if and when and how he will ever be willing to go more than 60 days to actually see what recovery can look like. At Alanon last night the reading said we have to be supportive and compassionate when they relapse.... I failed at that.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
hummingbird, you do not "have to be" anything but you right now. You haven't failed at anything. He may or may not find what he needs to recover--it is, and always has been, out of your hands. You can be supportive and compassionate from a distance, but please do not torture yourself with the idea that there was anything you could have done differently to warrant a different outcome. He simply isn't done.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Hummingbird
By the Grace of God and help from others in recovery, I have 5 years sober this month.
People often ask me if it was hard to quit drinking. In my case, I was "done." We're not "done" until we're "done."
By the Grace of God and help from others in recovery, I have 5 years sober this month.
People often ask me if it was hard to quit drinking. In my case, I was "done." We're not "done" until we're "done."
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
Hummingbird...you didn't fail at anything. I am a mother of a high functioning alcoholic son. I read the following post on the Family members forum here at SR, and I've read it more than once for strength and for hope. May it bring you the same. Hardest thing to watch them hurt and not be able to help. Goes against every mothering instinct we have. My heart is with you.
The Battle Isn't Yours To Fight
You can't make me clean though I know it is what you want for me to be, but until I want it. I won't be. You can't love me clean because until I learn to love myself. I won't be. I know you must wonder how can I learn to love myself when I am caught up in a lifestyle of self-hatred and self destruction.
I can learn from my own experience. I can learn from the things that happen to me along the path of my own mistakes. I can learn by being allowed to suffer the consequences of my own choices. Life has a funny way of teaching us the lessons we need learn.
I know it devastates you to watch me hurting myself. I know you want to jump in and save me. This helps ease your pain, but I don't think you understand just how damaging it is to me.
You see although I look and sound like your loved one. Me, the person is locked away deep down inside my being. What you see before you is a addict ruled and reigned by my addiction.
The main focus of a addict is to feed the addiction. Every effort you put forth in the name of "helping" me, the person ... falls prey to the addict giving more power to the addiction to shackel down the person in me a little more each time.
I feed my addiction enough ... please don't help me.
The only way for the person in me to get free is to be free. Free to fall in order to find the strength to get back up and fight back to break free.
How can or will I ever be able to get clean.
The same way I gave myself over to my addiction is the same way I can give myself over to my recovery. BY MYSELF
By allowing me to reach rock bottom you move over and allow me to find the my own way back. It is in the fight to break free that I will find myself. It is in the fight that I learn to love myself. The more I learn to love myself the more I will do to better myself.
I am aware that when I use I am playing russian roulette with my life. I know this, but that is a chance we take when we use. The addict in me is willing to take that chance in the name of getting high.
Rock bottom is but a circumstance away. I can't get in if you are blocking the entrance ...
Please for the sake of the person in me, move out of the way and let me fall as far down as I have to in order to reach the bottom. Pray for me that when I do hit that is not with the impact that leaves me for dead (I know that is your greatest fear), but if it comes to that, be sure to tell my story so that others might learn and live.
The Battle Isn't Yours To Fight
You can't make me clean though I know it is what you want for me to be, but until I want it. I won't be. You can't love me clean because until I learn to love myself. I won't be. I know you must wonder how can I learn to love myself when I am caught up in a lifestyle of self-hatred and self destruction.
I can learn from my own experience. I can learn from the things that happen to me along the path of my own mistakes. I can learn by being allowed to suffer the consequences of my own choices. Life has a funny way of teaching us the lessons we need learn.
I know it devastates you to watch me hurting myself. I know you want to jump in and save me. This helps ease your pain, but I don't think you understand just how damaging it is to me.
You see although I look and sound like your loved one. Me, the person is locked away deep down inside my being. What you see before you is a addict ruled and reigned by my addiction.
The main focus of a addict is to feed the addiction. Every effort you put forth in the name of "helping" me, the person ... falls prey to the addict giving more power to the addiction to shackel down the person in me a little more each time.
I feed my addiction enough ... please don't help me.
The only way for the person in me to get free is to be free. Free to fall in order to find the strength to get back up and fight back to break free.
How can or will I ever be able to get clean.
The same way I gave myself over to my addiction is the same way I can give myself over to my recovery. BY MYSELF
By allowing me to reach rock bottom you move over and allow me to find the my own way back. It is in the fight to break free that I will find myself. It is in the fight that I learn to love myself. The more I learn to love myself the more I will do to better myself.
I am aware that when I use I am playing russian roulette with my life. I know this, but that is a chance we take when we use. The addict in me is willing to take that chance in the name of getting high.
Rock bottom is but a circumstance away. I can't get in if you are blocking the entrance ...
Please for the sake of the person in me, move out of the way and let me fall as far down as I have to in order to reach the bottom. Pray for me that when I do hit that is not with the impact that leaves me for dead (I know that is your greatest fear), but if it comes to that, be sure to tell my story so that others might learn and live.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Recovery only works if the alcoholic deeply, sincerely wants it. The delusional thinking is par for the course, there's nothing anyone can say that will stop an alcoholic from drinking. It's an inside job.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,010
Originally Posted by hummingbird358 
At Alanon last night the reading said we have to be supportive and compassionate when they relapse.... I failed at that.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hummingbird, I hope you won't organise anything for him in the future, no matter how big a sob story he gives you.
Sounds like he has an anti-authority thing and can't stick to any sort of program. With people like that, the only thing that has a chance of working is if they organise it themselves.
It's deeply unfair that he confides in you about his mental state, then refuses anything you offer, instead blaming you for getting involved.
Sounds like he has an anti-authority thing and can't stick to any sort of program. With people like that, the only thing that has a chance of working is if they organise it themselves.
It's deeply unfair that he confides in you about his mental state, then refuses anything you offer, instead blaming you for getting involved.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 309
So today he got another new tattoo... seriously do not know how he affords these - must be charging them because he has not been working for 3 weeks...
He sent a pic of the new tattoo to my daughter and me.. I never received it but my daughter told me he sent it to the both of us. He must have "forgotten" about last week and telling me how I have traumatized him by calling for the welfare check, how he is calling the police to get advice on how to get me to stop, etc. I didn't forget last week. I still have his number blocked. I still feel no feelings towards him.. I can tell my husband is not agreeing with my feelings on this. I can tell he thinks I am terrible for the things I say about my son and how I don't care what happens anymore. I am bitter, I am exhausted. How can my husband just not seem to care about the huge debt we have accumulated due to my son and him not following through with the IOP, etc. He isn't the one who heard "I don't care how much you spent I am an adult and can make my own decisions" He isn't the one who got all of the text messages stating how I if I don't co-sign his lease I will be the reason for his relapse, how I don't have confidence in his program, etc.
So here we are 8 days later and he seems to have "forgotten" the words he spoke to me last week after the welfare check, etc. Well, I didn't. I am feeling he will be all nicey nice now since his rent will be due in 2 weeks and with not working.... I will not pay that. NO way!
He sent a pic of the new tattoo to my daughter and me.. I never received it but my daughter told me he sent it to the both of us. He must have "forgotten" about last week and telling me how I have traumatized him by calling for the welfare check, how he is calling the police to get advice on how to get me to stop, etc. I didn't forget last week. I still have his number blocked. I still feel no feelings towards him.. I can tell my husband is not agreeing with my feelings on this. I can tell he thinks I am terrible for the things I say about my son and how I don't care what happens anymore. I am bitter, I am exhausted. How can my husband just not seem to care about the huge debt we have accumulated due to my son and him not following through with the IOP, etc. He isn't the one who heard "I don't care how much you spent I am an adult and can make my own decisions" He isn't the one who got all of the text messages stating how I if I don't co-sign his lease I will be the reason for his relapse, how I don't have confidence in his program, etc.
So here we are 8 days later and he seems to have "forgotten" the words he spoke to me last week after the welfare check, etc. Well, I didn't. I am feeling he will be all nicey nice now since his rent will be due in 2 weeks and with not working.... I will not pay that. NO way!
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