Cultivating Healthy Friendships
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Cultivating Healthy Friendships
I am in the middle of a mini personal inventory. It concerns the friends I choose.
There is a husband and wife who I have met with a few times. The wife is a former patient of mine. Agenda they have for me have come to the surface.
Codependency, I believe, robs us of a set of healthy boundaries. This skews expectations we bring to a new relationship. In this couple's case, I have found myself falling into a servile role with very little return. Now I am trying to figure out what was in it for me in this relationship. In other words, why did I spend time with them?
I have a history of trying to fix others. Combating this trend is one of my primary goals in recovery.
There is a husband and wife who I have met with a few times. The wife is a former patient of mine. Agenda they have for me have come to the surface.
Codependency, I believe, robs us of a set of healthy boundaries. This skews expectations we bring to a new relationship. In this couple's case, I have found myself falling into a servile role with very little return. Now I am trying to figure out what was in it for me in this relationship. In other words, why did I spend time with them?
I have a history of trying to fix others. Combating this trend is one of my primary goals in recovery.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Now I am trying to figure out what was in it for me in this relationship. In other words, why did I spend time with them?
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Originally Posted by atalose 
Maybe it’s as simple as you spent a “few times” with them in hopes of growing your circle of friends. Much like dating, you got together a few times and you discovered it’s not going to work out for you so now it’s time to back away and not feed a friendship that comes with a hidden agenda.
Thanks Atalose. I think my desire to broaden my circle of friends is basically true. What I have to own up to, is walking past a couple of red flags.
The first red flag is when the lady suddenly dumped me as her healthcare provider after I spent a LOT of time and effort on her case. She went to a competitor, but wanted to engage me as a friend.
The second red flag was a comment her husband made to me at their home that sounded like he was offering her to me sexually. I should have left immediately, but felt awkward doing so. That was the last time I saw them.
I have to own up when I ignore red flags.
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Maybe they are swingers and that’s why she changed providers so that when her husband offered her to you, it wouldn’t be awkward!! lol
I can only imagine how uncomfortable that made you feel and like a deer caught in the headlights unable to exit as quickly as you might have liked to, looking back on it now.
The positives are, you have not seen them since, you are not making any contact and that you have the power and ability to just not respond to any contact attempts they may make towards you.
It a good thing when we can recognize the red flags but I also think it’s also good to have some rehearsed exit plans for when an encounters becomes uncomfortable.
I can only imagine how uncomfortable that made you feel and like a deer caught in the headlights unable to exit as quickly as you might have liked to, looking back on it now.
The positives are, you have not seen them since, you are not making any contact and that you have the power and ability to just not respond to any contact attempts they may make towards you.
It a good thing when we can recognize the red flags but I also think it’s also good to have some rehearsed exit plans for when an encounters becomes uncomfortable.
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Originally Posted by atalose
Maybe they are swingers and that’s why she changed providers so that when her husband offered her to you, it wouldn’t be awkward!! lol
I can only imagine how uncomfortable that made you feel and like a deer caught in the headlights unable to exit as quickly as you might have liked to, looking back on it now.
The positives are, you have not seen them since, you are not making any contact and that you have the power and ability to just not respond to any contact attempts they may make towards you.
It a good thing when we can recognize the red flags but I also think it’s also good to have some rehearsed exit plans for when an encounters becomes uncomfortable.
I can only imagine how uncomfortable that made you feel and like a deer caught in the headlights unable to exit as quickly as you might have liked to, looking back on it now.
The positives are, you have not seen them since, you are not making any contact and that you have the power and ability to just not respond to any contact attempts they may make towards you.
It a good thing when we can recognize the red flags but I also think it’s also good to have some rehearsed exit plans for when an encounters becomes uncomfortable.
Oy vey!!!!!👎
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
After learning that I am codependent by nature/behaviour, I realised that all my friendships were too. I pulled back and have been learning all I can about it. It has resulted in some friends drifting and others improving. Most important thing I've learned is to put my needs and wants as a priority. Not just paying lip service to those words either, actually meaning it. I'm no longer a dumping ground for others to dump their stuff on, my health is too important. I deserve to be my own priority, to have my needs and wants validated. I am worth it and worthy of it. Changing relationships and friendships can be uncomfortable but ultimately it is up to us how we are in those friendships. We are responsible for ourselves only!
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