Today Is A New Day
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 21
Thank you so much Trailmix.
When you say protect myself - what exactly do you mean?
And no, I appreciate it and you're right. I'm just overwhelmed with guilt for my son, but you're very right. I should have said no, I wanted to say no, but when my son started crying I just felt so terrible. And thought "I will just do this for him".
Me and ex (not husband, by the way) have had a chat and I said that because I only work part time, due to our son, I would have to move as even with benefits I couldn't afford it. He has agreed that, rather than moving, he will pay half the bills and rent (no child maintenance) until September when Alfie starts full time school. He will also be going to a solicitor tomorrow to have it written up in writing. He has already agreed to give back the key he has, and also that he's not allowed to treat this as "his home" as it's not. He's agreed to this.
I do think us still having this tie does make it more difficult but the idea of moving with Alfie feeling the way he does at the moment, is just too much for me. I will also start saving every last penny I do have until September. He will also have Alfie on Tuesday and Wednesday (and I will stay at my mum's), while I'm at work.
We have also both agreed that we will not be together, nor will there be any possibility of this happening. Considering how he's acted today, this has just reiterated the point to me that I would not have him back, even if he did want to.
I'm not sure if this is the right decision, but I'm not sure I can think of any other alternative.
I know it's probably frustrating reading my post so apologies!
Thank you again, SO much!
When you say protect myself - what exactly do you mean?
And no, I appreciate it and you're right. I'm just overwhelmed with guilt for my son, but you're very right. I should have said no, I wanted to say no, but when my son started crying I just felt so terrible. And thought "I will just do this for him".
Me and ex (not husband, by the way) have had a chat and I said that because I only work part time, due to our son, I would have to move as even with benefits I couldn't afford it. He has agreed that, rather than moving, he will pay half the bills and rent (no child maintenance) until September when Alfie starts full time school. He will also be going to a solicitor tomorrow to have it written up in writing. He has already agreed to give back the key he has, and also that he's not allowed to treat this as "his home" as it's not. He's agreed to this.
I do think us still having this tie does make it more difficult but the idea of moving with Alfie feeling the way he does at the moment, is just too much for me. I will also start saving every last penny I do have until September. He will also have Alfie on Tuesday and Wednesday (and I will stay at my mum's), while I'm at work.
We have also both agreed that we will not be together, nor will there be any possibility of this happening. Considering how he's acted today, this has just reiterated the point to me that I would not have him back, even if he did want to.
I'm not sure if this is the right decision, but I'm not sure I can think of any other alternative.
I know it's probably frustrating reading my post so apologies!
Thank you again, SO much!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
No, not frustrating at all, please don't think that. This is a complicated and very emotional situation and I don't think there is anyone here that doesn't understand that.
Sounds like you have discussed some strong rules and boundaries with him and that's a great first step, glad that is at least out of the way.
You will be pulled by the guilt from your Son and from your ex (if he chooses that approach from time to time), that's where you need to protect yourself. Your decisions must be based on what is good for you and for your child. By looking out for yourself, making strong boundaries, sticking to the rules above that you have made and getting the items discussed regarding finances in writing, those are good strong steps.
Personally, once he presents you with the document, I would then make an appointment with your own lawyer to review it. You can then ask your questions about ongoing financial support for your child and your rights with regard to visitation.
Right now all things are somewhat friendly but that could change at the drop of a hat, please believe this. That's why it's important to get all this in writing.
You don't want to be sitting there 4 months down the road and your ex is demanding visitation at inconvenient times and not sticking to a schedule and you are being pulled from pillar to post trying to accommodate.
Another thing, what about his ongoing drinking? Who will supervise the visitation to ensure he isn't drinking? Many here use Soberlink and the ex must provide a clean reading before each visitation. This is another thing that can be put in to a visitation agreement and should be discussed with your lawyer.
Sounds like you have discussed some strong rules and boundaries with him and that's a great first step, glad that is at least out of the way.
You will be pulled by the guilt from your Son and from your ex (if he chooses that approach from time to time), that's where you need to protect yourself. Your decisions must be based on what is good for you and for your child. By looking out for yourself, making strong boundaries, sticking to the rules above that you have made and getting the items discussed regarding finances in writing, those are good strong steps.
Personally, once he presents you with the document, I would then make an appointment with your own lawyer to review it. You can then ask your questions about ongoing financial support for your child and your rights with regard to visitation.
Right now all things are somewhat friendly but that could change at the drop of a hat, please believe this. That's why it's important to get all this in writing.
You don't want to be sitting there 4 months down the road and your ex is demanding visitation at inconvenient times and not sticking to a schedule and you are being pulled from pillar to post trying to accommodate.
Another thing, what about his ongoing drinking? Who will supervise the visitation to ensure he isn't drinking? Many here use Soberlink and the ex must provide a clean reading before each visitation. This is another thing that can be put in to a visitation agreement and should be discussed with your lawyer.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 21
I honestly can't tell you how much I appreciate you replying to every one of my comments, with such great, helpful advice! Thank you so much.
We have discussed visitation but I will have that put into writing as well. His drinking is still bad, really bad and although he's agreed to not drinking the night before or the 3 days he has him in the week I don't overly trust him, so I will definitely have a look at Soberlink.
I think having set days he will be seeing Alfie will really help with things at the moment, as at least I'm able to answer him when he asks when he will see Daddy. I've also made it clear to my ex that I won't be there on the days he has him, and he can't force me to be there. He again has said he has agreed, but as per his manipulative self, has made me feel guilty about it. But you're right, I need to not be so easily manipulated.
I really wish I could just have a clean break - no contact at all - though as I feel like this would make this whole thing easier. I have to say though I'm really looking forward to some counselling!
We have discussed visitation but I will have that put into writing as well. His drinking is still bad, really bad and although he's agreed to not drinking the night before or the 3 days he has him in the week I don't overly trust him, so I will definitely have a look at Soberlink.
I think having set days he will be seeing Alfie will really help with things at the moment, as at least I'm able to answer him when he asks when he will see Daddy. I've also made it clear to my ex that I won't be there on the days he has him, and he can't force me to be there. He again has said he has agreed, but as per his manipulative self, has made me feel guilty about it. But you're right, I need to not be so easily manipulated.
I really wish I could just have a clean break - no contact at all - though as I feel like this would make this whole thing easier. I have to say though I'm really looking forward to some counselling!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
You're very welcome!
There are many here that have a lot of experience with Soberlink and visitation, Sasha1972 and batchel come to mind, but there are many more, I'm sure others will be along to share their wisdom on that.
In the meantime, I don't know if you know but you can choose to view people's threads or posts by clicking on their name in a thread (by the picture/avatar) and choosing if from the drop down list.
Here is a thread with some posts by both Batchel and Sasha and you can read further from there if you like:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...y-hearing.html (Life after custody hearing)
There are many here that have a lot of experience with Soberlink and visitation, Sasha1972 and batchel come to mind, but there are many more, I'm sure others will be along to share their wisdom on that.
In the meantime, I don't know if you know but you can choose to view people's threads or posts by clicking on their name in a thread (by the picture/avatar) and choosing if from the drop down list.
Here is a thread with some posts by both Batchel and Sasha and you can read further from there if you like:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...y-hearing.html (Life after custody hearing)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 21
Yes, I've been searching a lot of posts recently but they've all been the "my alcoholic husband has left me" etc, not the things for after... I did see your post, and one of the comments really rang true for me;
7. Shame. Get used to this feeling. You'll be swimming in it. But if you can keep your denial game strong it won't drown you. This is especially useful if you are raising children with the Alcoholic. Don't tell them their parent is an Alcoholic, don't use those kinds of accurate honest words, it might damage them!! That is bad-mouthing. Clean up the Alcoholic's sh*t, p*ss, vomit quickly, let the kids know Dad/Mom is just not feeling well, or is tired. Never give the kids the proper language to describe what is going on, this might lead to questions and conversations that pierce your own hard-built walls of denial and we know where that will lead: change. And change is the enemy of codependency. Nothing changes if nothing changes so don't let anything change!
This is me. I feel I might actually write this up and put it on my fridge. In fact, I did this today! My ex fell asleep on the sofa after a walk in the park with Alfie, and I knew this was because he'd been on a bender last night and was hungover, but just told Alfie he was really tired and needed a sleep.
It's all just so ****. I so wish I could just have no contact. It's so hard to know what to tell Alfie, how to tell Alfie and how to heal myself so I never EVER get into this type of relationship again. It's so much harder to heal when you still have to talk AT ALL. Urgh.
7. Shame. Get used to this feeling. You'll be swimming in it. But if you can keep your denial game strong it won't drown you. This is especially useful if you are raising children with the Alcoholic. Don't tell them their parent is an Alcoholic, don't use those kinds of accurate honest words, it might damage them!! That is bad-mouthing. Clean up the Alcoholic's sh*t, p*ss, vomit quickly, let the kids know Dad/Mom is just not feeling well, or is tired. Never give the kids the proper language to describe what is going on, this might lead to questions and conversations that pierce your own hard-built walls of denial and we know where that will lead: change. And change is the enemy of codependency. Nothing changes if nothing changes so don't let anything change!
This is me. I feel I might actually write this up and put it on my fridge. In fact, I did this today! My ex fell asleep on the sofa after a walk in the park with Alfie, and I knew this was because he'd been on a bender last night and was hungover, but just told Alfie he was really tired and needed a sleep.
It's all just so ****. I so wish I could just have no contact. It's so hard to know what to tell Alfie, how to tell Alfie and how to heal myself so I never EVER get into this type of relationship again. It's so much harder to heal when you still have to talk AT ALL. Urgh.
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