Gaining some perspective around the holidays
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 160
Gaining some perspective around the holidays
So, the holidays are tough. Especially as the (single) parent of a small child--so many things to buy, places to go, school recitals to see... That it's easy to start to treat yourself poorly. I have been guilty of feeling sorry for myself the past week or so. I get sad seeing all the 'happy families' enjoy the holidays. Or people getting engaged... or brand new babies... it's just a reminder that my plans for my life have been drastically changed.
But then I think back to a year ago. What was my life like? I had the most miserable Christmas I think I've ever had. My husband was still living with us, and although he wasn't drinking, he was not in a good place. I remember how awful I felt in my own home. I felt like every time I walked into a room he was in, the mood would change, like I was interrupting something. I remember being scared to be in a bad mood because then HE would be in a bad mood. I remember feeling stuck in the house with him because he never wanted to go anywhere.
And then, after two weeks of being home with him, being miserable, I finally got the guts to say something. I told him how I felt unwelcome in my own home. I felt like he didn't want to be around me. His response? It was MY fault. He said he was doing everything he could for our relationship--he was trying SO HARD--that if something was wrong, then it was on me now to fix it. (Hindsight: he wasn't trying hard. He didnt want me around. He was actively hiding things from me). He threatened to leave me.
As embarrassing as it is to think about now... I bought everything he was selling. I begged him not to leave me. I promised that I would fix myself.
So--while I get a little down about how my life isn't on the track that I hoped it would be--at least it isn't where it was last year. I can't say I'm excited to get divorced. Part of me still wants the man I married to reappear and beg me to forgive him, to start 'showing up', to prove that he is in real recovery. But I know that's a pipe dream, and that eventually in the grieving process I'll let it go.
But at least I'm not where I was last year. I am not trapped in my home feeling worthless and unwanted. I am home with my son, who is beyond excited for Christmas. I have planned some days for him to go to 'camp' in the mornings so I can get out and do some things by myself (have a pedicure appointment and a massage appointment!). Even though I give myself a hard time sometimes... I still feel... free.
But then I think back to a year ago. What was my life like? I had the most miserable Christmas I think I've ever had. My husband was still living with us, and although he wasn't drinking, he was not in a good place. I remember how awful I felt in my own home. I felt like every time I walked into a room he was in, the mood would change, like I was interrupting something. I remember being scared to be in a bad mood because then HE would be in a bad mood. I remember feeling stuck in the house with him because he never wanted to go anywhere.
And then, after two weeks of being home with him, being miserable, I finally got the guts to say something. I told him how I felt unwelcome in my own home. I felt like he didn't want to be around me. His response? It was MY fault. He said he was doing everything he could for our relationship--he was trying SO HARD--that if something was wrong, then it was on me now to fix it. (Hindsight: he wasn't trying hard. He didnt want me around. He was actively hiding things from me). He threatened to leave me.
As embarrassing as it is to think about now... I bought everything he was selling. I begged him not to leave me. I promised that I would fix myself.
So--while I get a little down about how my life isn't on the track that I hoped it would be--at least it isn't where it was last year. I can't say I'm excited to get divorced. Part of me still wants the man I married to reappear and beg me to forgive him, to start 'showing up', to prove that he is in real recovery. But I know that's a pipe dream, and that eventually in the grieving process I'll let it go.
But at least I'm not where I was last year. I am not trapped in my home feeling worthless and unwanted. I am home with my son, who is beyond excited for Christmas. I have planned some days for him to go to 'camp' in the mornings so I can get out and do some things by myself (have a pedicure appointment and a massage appointment!). Even though I give myself a hard time sometimes... I still feel... free.
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 235
Eventually you will make new family traditions, I have. When I was still married to my XAH Xmas and New Year holiday activities revolved around alcohol, of course. I organised everything, bought everything, cooked everything, wrapped everything, drove everywhere (including driving myself crazy) and resented everyone, especially XAH who always found a way to make any celebration all about HIM.
This Xmas will be my 7th without XAH and over time, me and my kids have found new things to do and we enjoy our holidays without fear of XAH's drunken tantrums.
You WILL be one of those "happy people" again. I expect there are already people who know you or of you who envy you and your new-found peace. Continue to treat yourself and enjoy the serenity.
This Xmas will be my 7th without XAH and over time, me and my kids have found new things to do and we enjoy our holidays without fear of XAH's drunken tantrums.
You WILL be one of those "happy people" again. I expect there are already people who know you or of you who envy you and your new-found peace. Continue to treat yourself and enjoy the serenity.
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