Hi everyone. . .
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Hi everyone. . .
I haven't been on in a while. I just finished another semester of school so that kept me busy.
My divorce was finalized on 11-19-2018. The feeling was bitter sweet. I cried tears of joy and sadness. I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
My AXH and I have been getting along quite well. We talk on the phone a few times out of the week about the kids. There hasn't been any issues with alcohol when the kids visit lately.
I have begun dating. I have been seeing this guy for about a month now. It is still quite new and I'm so scared. I don't want to get hurt again but I know I eventually have to get out there. I'm not sure where this will go but I am just taking it day by day right now. I do like him but in the back of my mind I'm constantly questioning his intentions. I guess time will tell.
I feel like things are going to so well right now and I'm just waiting for something bad to happen.
My divorce was finalized on 11-19-2018. The feeling was bitter sweet. I cried tears of joy and sadness. I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
My AXH and I have been getting along quite well. We talk on the phone a few times out of the week about the kids. There hasn't been any issues with alcohol when the kids visit lately.
I have begun dating. I have been seeing this guy for about a month now. It is still quite new and I'm so scared. I don't want to get hurt again but I know I eventually have to get out there. I'm not sure where this will go but I am just taking it day by day right now. I do like him but in the back of my mind I'm constantly questioning his intentions. I guess time will tell.
I feel like things are going to so well right now and I'm just waiting for something bad to happen.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Location: Somerset County, NJ
Posts: 70
Hi momabear!
You sound like you are doing really well! I am happy to hear that.
Just go slow, we can never guarantee we won't get hurt again; just take it day by day.
It's normal to be waiting for something bad to happen..My AXBF ruined a part of me, I always think something bad will happen, but it is what we are used to.
Stay positive, go slow and enjoy the holidays
You sound like you are doing really well! I am happy to hear that.
Just go slow, we can never guarantee we won't get hurt again; just take it day by day.
It's normal to be waiting for something bad to happen..My AXBF ruined a part of me, I always think something bad will happen, but it is what we are used to.
Stay positive, go slow and enjoy the holidays
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
mamabear...how good to hear that things are more peaceful for you.....
I do understand how you might be fearful in dating again....I have also, been married married with three small children--and, I then, divorced my first husband.....
I spent the next 6yrs. as a single mother....so, I learned a few things that I could pass on to others...lol...
(that was ;a long time ago, so my children, are now, grown up....
Here are a few of those things....
1. Continue your own self exploration and development....that is the most I mportant thing for you and your children....you can live without a man (if that happens)---but, you cannot live without your own strong sense of self and good self esteem....
2. to me..."taking it slow" means about 2yrs....to put a hard number to it. I think it means not making a permanent commitment, until you get to know a person in every kind of situation....It does take a long time to really get to know a person...Those first few months....about 18 months are made up of lots of appealing stuff--bonding hormones, dreams, promises and expectations....which can cause us to view things with rose-colored glasses....The reality stuff starts to emerge at about 18months--to 2years....
3. In the case of children...don't invite a father figure type person to live in the family (your house or h is house)….until a marriage is a definite th ing--with a firm date.....Kids can "get" the dating thing...and can be alright with it--as long as you spend lots of quality time with them...but, they can be deeply wounded by father figure people who may be gone if the relationship breaks up....
A woman...a single mother...can date and have tons of fun with male companionship...while still maintaining her own independent home base....(Lord knows that I did!!)…..
The next 10--12yrs. are sooo important to your boys' development and their view of relationships. They watch everything and are very impressionable...
4. Do not ignore red flags....ever....an ignored red flag, can become a black flag, down the road....
lol...I know that this can sound like a hard line...but, I have lived a lot and seen a lot....and, learned a lot, the hard way....
I hope this can be of some help to you....just take what might help.....
I do understand how you might be fearful in dating again....I have also, been married married with three small children--and, I then, divorced my first husband.....
I spent the next 6yrs. as a single mother....so, I learned a few things that I could pass on to others...lol...
(that was ;a long time ago, so my children, are now, grown up....
Here are a few of those things....
1. Continue your own self exploration and development....that is the most I mportant thing for you and your children....you can live without a man (if that happens)---but, you cannot live without your own strong sense of self and good self esteem....
2. to me..."taking it slow" means about 2yrs....to put a hard number to it. I think it means not making a permanent commitment, until you get to know a person in every kind of situation....It does take a long time to really get to know a person...Those first few months....about 18 months are made up of lots of appealing stuff--bonding hormones, dreams, promises and expectations....which can cause us to view things with rose-colored glasses....The reality stuff starts to emerge at about 18months--to 2years....
3. In the case of children...don't invite a father figure type person to live in the family (your house or h is house)….until a marriage is a definite th ing--with a firm date.....Kids can "get" the dating thing...and can be alright with it--as long as you spend lots of quality time with them...but, they can be deeply wounded by father figure people who may be gone if the relationship breaks up....
A woman...a single mother...can date and have tons of fun with male companionship...while still maintaining her own independent home base....(Lord knows that I did!!)…..
The next 10--12yrs. are sooo important to your boys' development and their view of relationships. They watch everything and are very impressionable...
4. Do not ignore red flags....ever....an ignored red flag, can become a black flag, down the road....
lol...I know that this can sound like a hard line...but, I have lived a lot and seen a lot....and, learned a lot, the hard way....
I hope this can be of some help to you....just take what might help.....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
Hi mamabear,
My divorce was finalized at almost the exact same time as yours, and I certainly relate to that bittersweet feeling. I'm glad you and your ex get along well; mine has only increased his narcissistic impulses and attempts to control me, but he can't do that anymore, thank God. Congratulations to you--
My divorce was finalized at almost the exact same time as yours, and I certainly relate to that bittersweet feeling. I'm glad you and your ex get along well; mine has only increased his narcissistic impulses and attempts to control me, but he can't do that anymore, thank God. Congratulations to you--
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Originally Posted by mamabear26 
I feel like things are going to so well right now and I'm just waiting for something bad to happen.
But, it's a new beginning for you and I'm really happy to hear that xAH is being very civil. Perfectly natural to question intentions in this case I think. Trust is built over time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Originally Posted by dandylion
mamabear...how good to hear that things are more peaceful for you.....
I do understand how you might be fearful in dating again....I have also, been married married with three small children--and, I then, divorced my first husband.....
I spent the next 6yrs. as a single mother....so, I learned a few things that I could pass on to others...lol...
(that was ;a long time ago, so my children, are now, grown up....
Here are a few of those things....
1. Continue your own self exploration and development....that is the most I mportant thing for you and your children....you can live without a man (if that happens)---but, you cannot live without your own strong sense of self and good self esteem....
2. to me..."taking it slow" means about 2yrs....to put a hard number to it. I think it means not making a permanent commitment, until you get to know a person in every kind of situation....It does take a long time to really get to know a person...Those first few months....about 18 months are made up of lots of appealing stuff--bonding hormones, dreams, promises and expectations....which can cause us to view things with rose-colored glasses....The reality stuff starts to emerge at about 18months--to 2years....
3. In the case of children...don't invite a father figure type person to live in the family (your house or h is house)….until a marriage is a definite th ing--with a firm date.....Kids can "get" the dating thing...and can be alright with it--as long as you spend lots of quality time with them...but, they can be deeply wounded by father figure people who may be gone if the relationship breaks up....
A woman...a single mother...can date and have tons of fun with male companionship...while still maintaining her own independent home base....(Lord knows that I did!!)…..
The next 10--12yrs. are sooo important to your boys' development and their view of relationships. They watch everything and are very impressionable...
4. Do not ignore red flags....ever....an ignored red flag, can become a black flag, down the road....
lol...I know that this can sound like a hard line...but, I have lived a lot and seen a lot....and, learned a lot, the hard way....
I hope this can be of some help to you....just take what might help.....
I do understand how you might be fearful in dating again....I have also, been married married with three small children--and, I then, divorced my first husband.....
I spent the next 6yrs. as a single mother....so, I learned a few things that I could pass on to others...lol...
(that was ;a long time ago, so my children, are now, grown up....
Here are a few of those things....
1. Continue your own self exploration and development....that is the most I mportant thing for you and your children....you can live without a man (if that happens)---but, you cannot live without your own strong sense of self and good self esteem....
2. to me..."taking it slow" means about 2yrs....to put a hard number to it. I think it means not making a permanent commitment, until you get to know a person in every kind of situation....It does take a long time to really get to know a person...Those first few months....about 18 months are made up of lots of appealing stuff--bonding hormones, dreams, promises and expectations....which can cause us to view things with rose-colored glasses....The reality stuff starts to emerge at about 18months--to 2years....
3. In the case of children...don't invite a father figure type person to live in the family (your house or h is house)….until a marriage is a definite th ing--with a firm date.....Kids can "get" the dating thing...and can be alright with it--as long as you spend lots of quality time with them...but, they can be deeply wounded by father figure people who may be gone if the relationship breaks up....
A woman...a single mother...can date and have tons of fun with male companionship...while still maintaining her own independent home base....(Lord knows that I did!!)…..
The next 10--12yrs. are sooo important to your boys' development and their view of relationships. They watch everything and are very impressionable...
4. Do not ignore red flags....ever....an ignored red flag, can become a black flag, down the road....
lol...I know that this can sound like a hard line...but, I have lived a lot and seen a lot....and, learned a lot, the hard way....
I hope this can be of some help to you....just take what might help.....
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
mamabear…..one thing that might help, is to find a group of other (stable) single mothers....or cultivate some friendships with single mothers. That helped me so much. We shared so much. We were good sounding boards for each other...and, we would share babysitting with each others kids....
LOL....we would often share dinners and picnics...as a group--with everyone bringing a dish....
Sometimes, we would go out dancing, together, as a group...with one of the mothers, babysitting the kids as a sleepover...…
We were like a giant "extended family'".
I was a very hands-on mother, as a single mother. I spent lots of time with my kids....even though I had a job and went back to a graduate level school, at one point. I managed to date a lot of really wonderful men...and, had tons and tons of fun....I certainly wasn't "tied to my door".
You really do have to develop a satisfying social life for yourself....otherwise, I think one comes to resent the weight of the child care.....and become isolated and lonely....
I had fun and close intimacy with my girlfriends....and friends, in general....AND, enjoyed romantic intimacy with men, also....
I am here to say it can be done. You may have to spend some effort thinking outside of the box and making some changes, personally....
My adult children sometimes reflect on how much fun we all had during those years.....
LOL....we would often share dinners and picnics...as a group--with everyone bringing a dish....
Sometimes, we would go out dancing, together, as a group...with one of the mothers, babysitting the kids as a sleepover...…
We were like a giant "extended family'".
I was a very hands-on mother, as a single mother. I spent lots of time with my kids....even though I had a job and went back to a graduate level school, at one point. I managed to date a lot of really wonderful men...and, had tons and tons of fun....I certainly wasn't "tied to my door".
You really do have to develop a satisfying social life for yourself....otherwise, I think one comes to resent the weight of the child care.....and become isolated and lonely....
I had fun and close intimacy with my girlfriends....and friends, in general....AND, enjoyed romantic intimacy with men, also....
I am here to say it can be done. You may have to spend some effort thinking outside of the box and making some changes, personally....
My adult children sometimes reflect on how much fun we all had during those years.....
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
I feel like things are going to so well right now.
Hi mamabear!
This is the important part. Let go, letting God. The rest will continue to improve. A God-box could be a good thing to revisit -- I'm doing this today.
Happy holidays!!
Hi mamabear!
This is the important part. Let go, letting God. The rest will continue to improve. A God-box could be a good thing to revisit -- I'm doing this today.
Happy holidays!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
I’m another one that hasn’t been on here in a while mostly due to the divorce process, finding a house and moving. My divorce was final on 11/14/2018, closed on my home on the 16th and moved out the Saturday after thanksgiving.
I’ve been weirdly unemotional about it really. Don’t know if that is good or bad. I think I was so checked out when I confronted him 2.5 years ago and then it took me a couple of years of a lot of counseling of being ok with not wanting to be with im anymore. It has been tough but I feel so much better since I have been in my new house. It is still a mess and I finally have furniture and my new floors took a month but I as content being on my own.
I have no regrets even though he called the divorce. My kid seems to be doing ok. My XRAH is very bitter I feel. But that not on me.
It is amazing to me how everyone feels the need to find you a new boyfriend. I really have no interest in that right now. It is the first time in my life (2 relationships/marriage from the age of barely 18 and I am now 46) I am not attached and I am actually pretty content. I am not looking. If I happen to find someone who knows but I really need time to figure my self out and do me. I am afraid to fall back in the codependent trap even though I am very aware of it now.
Mamabear26, glad you are doing well too. It has been pretty liberating for me. I would just caution you about dating so quickly after your divorce. Especially after everything you have been through with having been married to an alcoholic. Take time for you and get to know you. I know for myself it would be easy to find someone nice and get sucked in again especially after not having had that in many years during the marriage. Not telling you not to date if you want to. Just look at it as having fun with someone and not necessarily looking for a relationship. I think it is normal for us to be worried about something bad happening again after the alcoholic marriage. I think that is why it is good to just take your time to discover yourself and do what you want to do for you, find new things to do for you. I think if you take care of you and stay busy with things you do for you eventually you will be able to relax more because you won’t need anyone to make you feel happy. One thing I have learned is that I am not responsible for anyone’s happiness but my own and that no one is responsible for my happiness but myself and that I need to find my own happiness and feel good about myself before I get into a new relationship. Obviously that timeline is different for everybody and I have no idea when I would be ready.
Go enjoy yourself but make yourself a priority. If you are having a good time with this person then try to enjoy the moment and try not to worry about what may or may not happen down the road. If he is really interested in you as a person he will understand if you want to take things really slow. If he wants too much too soon (not saying that is what he is doing) or isn’t willing to go at your pace then he isn’t the person for you right now even if he has all good intentions. He may have all good intentions but maybe he is looking for a long term relationship right now and you are not. I think communication between you two is very important (well, not just between you two, just in general I guess..). Know where each other is at and what you are looking for. You maybe worried about getting an answer that you don’t want to hear because you like him. But it is probably better to find out sooner than later before you’re feeling might get hurt worse. I know that is how I have always been and that is what I have to continue to work on to change to get out of the codependent trap.
Good luck and enjoy your new freedom!
I’ve been weirdly unemotional about it really. Don’t know if that is good or bad. I think I was so checked out when I confronted him 2.5 years ago and then it took me a couple of years of a lot of counseling of being ok with not wanting to be with im anymore. It has been tough but I feel so much better since I have been in my new house. It is still a mess and I finally have furniture and my new floors took a month but I as content being on my own.
I have no regrets even though he called the divorce. My kid seems to be doing ok. My XRAH is very bitter I feel. But that not on me.
It is amazing to me how everyone feels the need to find you a new boyfriend. I really have no interest in that right now. It is the first time in my life (2 relationships/marriage from the age of barely 18 and I am now 46) I am not attached and I am actually pretty content. I am not looking. If I happen to find someone who knows but I really need time to figure my self out and do me. I am afraid to fall back in the codependent trap even though I am very aware of it now.
Mamabear26, glad you are doing well too. It has been pretty liberating for me. I would just caution you about dating so quickly after your divorce. Especially after everything you have been through with having been married to an alcoholic. Take time for you and get to know you. I know for myself it would be easy to find someone nice and get sucked in again especially after not having had that in many years during the marriage. Not telling you not to date if you want to. Just look at it as having fun with someone and not necessarily looking for a relationship. I think it is normal for us to be worried about something bad happening again after the alcoholic marriage. I think that is why it is good to just take your time to discover yourself and do what you want to do for you, find new things to do for you. I think if you take care of you and stay busy with things you do for you eventually you will be able to relax more because you won’t need anyone to make you feel happy. One thing I have learned is that I am not responsible for anyone’s happiness but my own and that no one is responsible for my happiness but myself and that I need to find my own happiness and feel good about myself before I get into a new relationship. Obviously that timeline is different for everybody and I have no idea when I would be ready.
Go enjoy yourself but make yourself a priority. If you are having a good time with this person then try to enjoy the moment and try not to worry about what may or may not happen down the road. If he is really interested in you as a person he will understand if you want to take things really slow. If he wants too much too soon (not saying that is what he is doing) or isn’t willing to go at your pace then he isn’t the person for you right now even if he has all good intentions. He may have all good intentions but maybe he is looking for a long term relationship right now and you are not. I think communication between you two is very important (well, not just between you two, just in general I guess..). Know where each other is at and what you are looking for. You maybe worried about getting an answer that you don’t want to hear because you like him. But it is probably better to find out sooner than later before you’re feeling might get hurt worse. I know that is how I have always been and that is what I have to continue to work on to change to get out of the codependent trap.
Good luck and enjoy your new freedom!
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