Seren

Oh, Sedasa....you know, guilt comes with the death of anyone we love. It is a universal emotion--even though it is unwarranted in most cases.

I felt guilty, and still do from time-to-time, that my husband died. And he died suddenly and unexpectedly from heart failure not from complications of alcoholism.

You did not pour the liquor into him--he did that to himself. Watching someone we love do that to themselves comes with it's own set of complicated emotions.

I hope you find a great counselor to help you work through all this. And as has already been mentioned--come here and vent and talk all you need. You absolutely do deserve peace and joy.

sedasa

Thanks to everyone for all your responses. I discovered this site only after he died and reading the recommended articles and other people's stories have helped me deal with the roller coaster of emotions tremendously.
I wish I found this page a year ago - I had no idea what codependency was or what Al-Anon was for or what the characteristics alcoholics had in common were until I came here.

hopeful4

I am so very sorry for your loss. He was not sober with you, and he was not sober without you. It is not your fault.

Many hugs to you.

sedasa

I am sorry for your loss, Seren. Hope you are feeling better. Sometimes I get lost in my thoughts thinking "what if"s. What if I was more understanding, what if I behaved differently or responded differently. And then remind myself that I acted that way because of his selfish and self-destructive behaviours. There is a comfort knowing that he eventually managed to self-destruct himself by drinking for 26 years but there is also so much anger and disappointment as we had so many plans for the future.

FeelingGreat

Sedasa, I'm sorry for your loss. It can go either way with certain A's when their SO or family cut off from them; they can react by realising they alone are responsible for their fate, or they can continue on the path to destruction.
Your actions were possibly the only thing that had the potential to help him.
Please also consider that his death was probably an accident. We always think we'll have more time to 'fix' whatever needs fixing and A's are great at denial. Some just get lucky enough to find sobriety instead of the end.
You sound like a sensible, together person. You can take advantage of a limited number of consultations with a psychologist at a reduced rate through your GP, or if your work has counselling packages, I urge you to use them. Working though your feelings now, when they're fresh, will hopefully help you come to terms with what's happened, terribly sad as the circumstances are.

Bella609

sedasa

You are so right. He would always tell me that his addiction is a fixable problem and we won't have to deal with it in the "future". But when I asked about how soon that "future" was or if he was doing anything to make it real, he was not able to give me a proper answer.

I went to my first therapy session yesterday to start working on the issues that make me codependent. The therapist asked me to start reading Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody.

there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel but I have a LONG way to go to reach there.

Bernadette

So sorry Sedasa...that is so tragic and painful.

And sorry you are feeling so guilty, that is a crappy mind-place. We codies tend to feel an excessive amount of guilt about other people's choices or situations because we have a deep rooted habit of thinking (wishing, hoping, believing) we can control things that are just not in our power, like the loved one's drinking or drugging.

Glad you found this place, collectively on SR we have seen everything and we understand the particular traumas and trials of loving an alcoholic, and the particular difficulty of freeing ourselves from illusions of control and manic desires for another person to change their behavior....it is not easy, but you are not alone. Sending gentle hugs and hope you find some peace of mind soon....
Peace,
B.