i left my xah a year ago. For anyone who is struggling, please know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It is a tiring journey. It is an emotional journey. It is a journey that requires a lot of courage. I have curled up and stayed in bed and cried my heart out on many days. The pain of broken dreams is not an easy one. As I embarked on my journey a year ago of managing my codependency, I did not have faith or belief in anyone who told me that I will be able to smile again. All I knew was that it was the only thing I had and I hung onto it with my life. Through my journey, I have learned about my powerlessness over people, places and things. I have learned to find joy in small things in life. I have learned to hold life loosely and to let it flow. I have learned that I can sit in silence with only myself and be ok. I have learned to reach out to people in my fellowship who understand my struggle and I have received nothing but support. I have learned that I am not alone. I still have bad days but I have some tools now to deal with it. I am learning new things and developing new skills. I am slowly but surely starting to trust people again. I am learning that life is dynamic and not everything will work out the way I want it to always. I am slowly getting to know myself. I always knew that the hardest thing about loving an addict was leaving behind someone you love so much and letting them make their choices but now I know that the hardest thing in life is to not know who you are ,accepting that and starting a journey of loving yourself. I celebrated my birthday yesterday after 7 years with a group of friends who I have come to know through the program. It was a relief to finally not have to deal with someone who would get drunk and ruin it all. Someone who would plan everything a week before and then be too drunk or too miserable to want to do anything on the actual day. I feel a lot of gratitude and my faith grows every single day.