Well meaning people say the darndest things
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midland, MI
Posts: 159
Well meaning people say the darndest things
My XABF and I broke up 3 months ago. I don’t always talk about personal things with people so when they find out we broke up they almost unanimously says, “You’ll find someone better.”
I always reply with, “Thank you, but I’m not looking. I want to be alone for a while.”
What some come back with is confounding and amusing - it gives me a lot of insight into their beliefs and thought processes.
For example:
“People aren’t meant to be alone.”
”Oh, you don’t really mean that.”
”Why would you want to be alone? You’re a great person and deserve a great guy!”
”What’s wrong with you? There are plenty of great guys out there! You could be missing out on finding the love of your life by not putting yourself out there!”
These things are said by both men and women alike!
Even though the relationship was only 10 months, it was incredibly drama-filled and tumultuous. I don’t want to have anyone else’s “stuff” in my life right now, and I’m focusing on healing the wounds that relationship inflicted on my psyche. I feel more confident and independent than I have since college, and am enjoying my freedom! I honestly can’t even picture sharing my life with anyone right now.
Anyone else have any well-meaning people say confounding things to you? It could be about staying in a relationship or leaving. I would just like to hear them.
I always reply with, “Thank you, but I’m not looking. I want to be alone for a while.”
What some come back with is confounding and amusing - it gives me a lot of insight into their beliefs and thought processes.
For example:
“People aren’t meant to be alone.”
”Oh, you don’t really mean that.”
”Why would you want to be alone? You’re a great person and deserve a great guy!”
”What’s wrong with you? There are plenty of great guys out there! You could be missing out on finding the love of your life by not putting yourself out there!”
These things are said by both men and women alike!
Even though the relationship was only 10 months, it was incredibly drama-filled and tumultuous. I don’t want to have anyone else’s “stuff” in my life right now, and I’m focusing on healing the wounds that relationship inflicted on my psyche. I feel more confident and independent than I have since college, and am enjoying my freedom! I honestly can’t even picture sharing my life with anyone right now.
Anyone else have any well-meaning people say confounding things to you? It could be about staying in a relationship or leaving. I would just like to hear them.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
I'm older than you, and maybe my friends are older/wiser, too. When I say my ex and I are separated and our divorce is almost final, people say they don't know how to respond and ask me whether they should express condolences or congratulations.
I say "congratulations, all the way."
I say "congratulations, all the way."
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Totally relate. Even my therapist has been telling me to go out socially and have fun as you never know who you might meet. Inside this is the last thing I want to do. I too was in a short enough, year and half relationship, but boy was it filled with drama and intense. Now I'm trying to take time to work on me, build a better relationship with myself. Any person that has even come potentially near datewise I have repelled, I just feel I can't do it, which is why I like the word recovery. I do feel I am in recovery from that intensity and probable trauma.
Another friend keeps trying to plan a night out and despite the fact I keep explaining I'm not interested in alcohol anymore (since June we broke up), she says she gets it but she doesn't. If I suggest I go and not drink she doesn't seem as interested. She too says, come on you could meet the next person. Yeh potentially an addict if it's in a bar!
That's the best thing about codependency recovery, it can be isolating or lonely at times, but looking at my own life, my beliefs, my behaviours and hopefully building a new stronger sense of who I am and healthy boundaries means I don't want someone else for now, and that's ok!
In Codependent no more (melody beattie book), she has a chapter on, having a love affair with yourself. That's where it all starts!
Another friend keeps trying to plan a night out and despite the fact I keep explaining I'm not interested in alcohol anymore (since June we broke up), she says she gets it but she doesn't. If I suggest I go and not drink she doesn't seem as interested. She too says, come on you could meet the next person. Yeh potentially an addict if it's in a bar!
That's the best thing about codependency recovery, it can be isolating or lonely at times, but looking at my own life, my beliefs, my behaviours and hopefully building a new stronger sense of who I am and healthy boundaries means I don't want someone else for now, and that's ok!
In Codependent no more (melody beattie book), she has a chapter on, having a love affair with yourself. That's where it all starts!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
You sound wise and like you are taking care of yourself which is what you know you need right now! And I have found that doing that, and getting better at it, is a lifelong "thing" so I can be better for someone else (now!).
People do say crummy things - I remember feeling like I was barely married (the first time, and I already knew it was a mistake) and it seemed people were asking about having kids....but learning what I really do want has been so worth it.
I realized in sobriety that when I was drunk, no one worth having a relationship with would have wanted to have one with ME - so becoming the kind of good person I can be had to be a priority, then considering someone wonderful like my now husband could be on my radar because I was my best self (trying to be!). Whether someone is the alcoholic or not, taking care of ourselves is an important thing most of us need to learn -and brave folks like you do, even though it's usually more rigorous than just "being"!
Keep it up.
People do say crummy things - I remember feeling like I was barely married (the first time, and I already knew it was a mistake) and it seemed people were asking about having kids....but learning what I really do want has been so worth it.
I realized in sobriety that when I was drunk, no one worth having a relationship with would have wanted to have one with ME - so becoming the kind of good person I can be had to be a priority, then considering someone wonderful like my now husband could be on my radar because I was my best self (trying to be!). Whether someone is the alcoholic or not, taking care of ourselves is an important thing most of us need to learn -and brave folks like you do, even though it's usually more rigorous than just "being"!
Keep it up.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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Maybe it's b/c I'm older, but I haven't really had anyone ask when I'm going to start dating again. One thing I DO recall as being odd and a little painful was someone (acquaintance, not close) asking me if I was going to have a party when my divorce was final. I thought, "I married him--that implies I had hopes, wishes, plans, and I cared for him. Why on earth would I celebrate the loss of all that, as well as the loss of the person I loved?"
When I was younger, people would inquire if I had children, and when I said no, they'd express their sympathy. I always said "it's BY CHOICE, no need to feel bad for me." I get that response a lot less these days, and I think it's great that people now are starting to realize a woman may be childless b/c she WANTS to be.
When I was younger, people would inquire if I had children, and when I said no, they'd express their sympathy. I always said "it's BY CHOICE, no need to feel bad for me." I get that response a lot less these days, and I think it's great that people now are starting to realize a woman may be childless b/c she WANTS to be.
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 184
I had friends in town last weekend and one of them kept insisting that I "needed to start seeing someone" and telling me about how there were "lots of guys who wanted to open car doors and be kind" and all I could think of was that seeing someone after what I have been through is like pouring salt into a wound. I have so much baggage, which I recognize, and I wouldn't dump that crap on my mortal enemy--or my abusive AXF. Look I made joke! It must be getting better.
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My relationship that got me here was impacted by alcohol but also an affair that broke up two marriages, in a tight knit group of friends.
I was speaking to the other impacted partner four months after the affair had been discovered. He had divorced his wife and they were living separately.
He said to me "Don't worry LifeRecovery you will start dating and it will all be so much better." He had already started dating someone seriously and within two additional months was living with her.
I was so shocked by his words, hurt because at the time I was so confused-was this what health management looked like? At the same time I got this image of a band-aid being over a giant heart wound, and just knew I could not do it. At the time I thought it was because something was not right with me-that I did not respond that way.
A few months after that I heard that my ex and his affair partner were getting married. I was very upset. I had a friend, who had been friends with both sets of original couples comment to me "At least you now can close the chapter on that relationship....and you know that he is not coming back to you."
To be fair, neither of these comments were made intentionally to hurt me. In retrospect they were more telling about the hurt he/she had experienced then it did mine.
Initially both though made me question what my healing looked like. Both comments helped me to become more grounded in my own healing.....but gosh did they shake my equilibrium up initially.
I am not in touch with either of these people any longer. That is okay. That is a reflection on my relationship with them. That was painful but also necessary and I could not see that at the time.
Trust yourself, and your healing. I am so glad I did.
I was speaking to the other impacted partner four months after the affair had been discovered. He had divorced his wife and they were living separately.
He said to me "Don't worry LifeRecovery you will start dating and it will all be so much better." He had already started dating someone seriously and within two additional months was living with her.
I was so shocked by his words, hurt because at the time I was so confused-was this what health management looked like? At the same time I got this image of a band-aid being over a giant heart wound, and just knew I could not do it. At the time I thought it was because something was not right with me-that I did not respond that way.
A few months after that I heard that my ex and his affair partner were getting married. I was very upset. I had a friend, who had been friends with both sets of original couples comment to me "At least you now can close the chapter on that relationship....and you know that he is not coming back to you."
To be fair, neither of these comments were made intentionally to hurt me. In retrospect they were more telling about the hurt he/she had experienced then it did mine.
Initially both though made me question what my healing looked like. Both comments helped me to become more grounded in my own healing.....but gosh did they shake my equilibrium up initially.
I am not in touch with either of these people any longer. That is okay. That is a reflection on my relationship with them. That was painful but also necessary and I could not see that at the time.
Trust yourself, and your healing. I am so glad I did.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Hey Liferecovery, what a great insight. The second comment about closing that chapter etc, honestly I had to answer the phone and had to take a min before answering because I was so taken aback at the blatant thoughtlessness of that comment!
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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I know that everyone heals different and that generally they mean well - why else would I talk to someone about personal stuff if I didn’t trust them? I have known (and at times been) that person that is a “serial dater” who can’t see their worth beyond their relationship status. I have been desperate for companionship and wanted to just feel loved. After two very awful relationships - one for nearly 16 years and another for 10 months, I have decided to have that “love affair” with myself.
Maybe some of the truth is that I don’t trust my own judgement anymore. Perhaps it is that after so many years with someone else’s baggage in my life I’ve decided I just don’t want to deal with it anymore.
Just the thought of doing the “getting to know you” phase makes me groan. When I’ve made that comments to a couple of friends they’ve told me that the right person will come along and blow me away. All I can think of is, “Yeah, but he will have quirks that will drive me nuts like leaving dirty socks all over the house, inability to change a toilet paper roll, or hog the remote.” I’m clearly not ready to meet anyone! Lol!
Maybe some of the truth is that I don’t trust my own judgement anymore. Perhaps it is that after so many years with someone else’s baggage in my life I’ve decided I just don’t want to deal with it anymore.
Just the thought of doing the “getting to know you” phase makes me groan. When I’ve made that comments to a couple of friends they’ve told me that the right person will come along and blow me away. All I can think of is, “Yeah, but he will have quirks that will drive me nuts like leaving dirty socks all over the house, inability to change a toilet paper roll, or hog the remote.” I’m clearly not ready to meet anyone! Lol!
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Originally Posted by dawnrising 
I had someone ask me how old I was and when I told them...... "oh good there's still time for you" Whew what a relief 
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Hey Liferecovery, what a great insight. The second comment about closing that chapter etc, honestly I had to answer the phone and had to take a min before answering because I was so taken aback at the blatant thoughtlessness of that comment!
At the time I kept whipping myself for being so emotional about the comment. I knew she did not mean to hurt me. Now with some distance, and most importantly time I can see how the whole situation was incredibly hard on the remaining marriages and friendships. It was not about me....it was about re-establishing balance in the circle. They could not figure out what to do with me in all honesty.
Honestly the comment was a blessing. It forced me to realize that while these were friendships in my life, I had plenty of friends and support that were just mine. I stepped out of the circle and I have not regretted that once. I wrote A a note stating what I was doing. For my ex these were his lifelong friends....and frankly his only friends. We lived in his home town etc.
It was such a painful time, but now I realize that the fact that it was so hard for everyone was a testament to me....they liked and respected me but could not figure out "sides," for it.
I am glad for the first time in my life that I took my own side and took care of myself...painful as it was. It was less painful than not recognizing my own hurt, worth etc.
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Join Date: May 2010
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Oh my gosh! It's so true, it makes people crazy!
I have been divorced for 4 years. It was an emotional and at the end physically abusive relationship that gave me PTSD and has been a mess. We have two children together that we have to coparent. He was very possessive of my time, so I rarely got any time to myself, and I ALWAYS put his wants/needs in front of my own.
Sooo....when I divorced it took some time to heal, and for about the past year or so I really feel like a different person. However, from day ONE people have made comments or tried to set me up. I know they have meant well, but cannot understand that for one, I had to work on ME and I also have put my children and their needs first. We all had a lot of healing to do. Secondly, I was enjoying some time to myself. Being able to do what I want, when I want, that sort of thing.
Even my own young adult child was giving me the lecture over the weekend. If I were to meet the right person that would be fine. However, I am not actively looking. I am good either way. They just cannot grasp that!
I have been divorced for 4 years. It was an emotional and at the end physically abusive relationship that gave me PTSD and has been a mess. We have two children together that we have to coparent. He was very possessive of my time, so I rarely got any time to myself, and I ALWAYS put his wants/needs in front of my own.
Sooo....when I divorced it took some time to heal, and for about the past year or so I really feel like a different person. However, from day ONE people have made comments or tried to set me up. I know they have meant well, but cannot understand that for one, I had to work on ME and I also have put my children and their needs first. We all had a lot of healing to do. Secondly, I was enjoying some time to myself. Being able to do what I want, when I want, that sort of thing.
Even my own young adult child was giving me the lecture over the weekend. If I were to meet the right person that would be fine. However, I am not actively looking. I am good either way. They just cannot grasp that!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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LOl…..several years ago, I worked in a womans' hospital....so, naturally, there was a lot of pregnancy around.
At the time, I weighed 130lbs. and 5' 71/2'' tall. I have had three children, so the abdominal muscles are a bit lax. When I wear hospital scrubs and tie that drawstring, on the pants, into a bunch and tie it in front--it makes a pouch look, right in the front....
Quite often, when I would go to a patient's bedside---she would smile, in recognition, and ask---"Oh, when are you due?? I would reply, gently..."I am not pregnant...I just look fat!". Well...I can tell you...they reacted in horror and embarrassment...and kept apologizing.
At that point...I would tell them..."No---don't apologize---you have made my day!! Just the fact that you think that I still look young enough to be pregnant, makes me feel good!...Thank you."
At the time, I weighed 130lbs. and 5' 71/2'' tall. I have had three children, so the abdominal muscles are a bit lax. When I wear hospital scrubs and tie that drawstring, on the pants, into a bunch and tie it in front--it makes a pouch look, right in the front....
Quite often, when I would go to a patient's bedside---she would smile, in recognition, and ask---"Oh, when are you due?? I would reply, gently..."I am not pregnant...I just look fat!". Well...I can tell you...they reacted in horror and embarrassment...and kept apologizing.
At that point...I would tell them..."No---don't apologize---you have made my day!! Just the fact that you think that I still look young enough to be pregnant, makes me feel good!...Thank you."
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