My explosive anger towards a loved one in recovery
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Originally Posted by Staar 
Thanks. That's exactly how I feel (the possibility that they no longer depend on us can bring up feelings). This is true. I always thought, " as soon as he gets a job he won't have time for me", of course-I couldn't believe I was thinking that as I've never in my life dated a guy without a job let alone a junkie.
Deep down I know if that were to happen then we aren't meant to be together but then I also know that unless he makes some major changes - he will never be able to hold a even hold job as he nods off after 1.5 hrs and is "tired."
I really care about health and nutrition and I always fantasized about going to the gym with my husband in the morning and then eating a healthy meal and stuff like that and go on vacations where people do healthy eating and things like that.
I'm struggling with this " co dependency" term. I don't think I am codependent.
I've always been very independent. Too independent to the point where I feel like I should have more friends.
I've always made my own money and I'm pretty successful professionally however I started from the bottom and worked my way up and was knocked down many a times and I'm back up the ladder.
I'm not rich but I pay my own bills always have.
I just don't think I'm " co dependent" as I don't call or drop by anything and we live five mins from each other.
I was thinking about it and I'm a heterosexual female so if a good female friend all the sudden disappeared from my life- I would also be crushed and deeply sad and I definitely do not have co dependent issues with my female friends as we rarely hang out.
I'm really lonely so that's a big part of it and I miss the companionship and the conversations and I care about him.
Deep down I know if that were to happen then we aren't meant to be together but then I also know that unless he makes some major changes - he will never be able to hold a even hold job as he nods off after 1.5 hrs and is "tired."
I really care about health and nutrition and I always fantasized about going to the gym with my husband in the morning and then eating a healthy meal and stuff like that and go on vacations where people do healthy eating and things like that.
I'm struggling with this " co dependency" term. I don't think I am codependent.
I've always been very independent. Too independent to the point where I feel like I should have more friends.
I've always made my own money and I'm pretty successful professionally however I started from the bottom and worked my way up and was knocked down many a times and I'm back up the ladder.
I'm not rich but I pay my own bills always have.
I just don't think I'm " co dependent" as I don't call or drop by anything and we live five mins from each other.
I was thinking about it and I'm a heterosexual female so if a good female friend all the sudden disappeared from my life- I would also be crushed and deeply sad and I definitely do not have co dependent issues with my female friends as we rarely hang out.
I'm really lonely so that's a big part of it and I miss the companionship and the conversations and I care about him.
When you said "I have this problem in all my relationships. I sound full of myself but I always give more to all my relationships friends/ family/ significant others then l get back". That's what made me think of codependency. It may not be what you think it means. That book is worth a read.
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Ok I'll look at the readings re: codependency.
I wonder if valuing friendships more than the person values u qualifies as co dependent.... I always think I have a "tighter friendship" with people and then I realize the feelings aren't mutual.
I wonder if valuing friendships more than the person values u qualifies as co dependent.... I always think I have a "tighter friendship" with people and then I realize the feelings aren't mutual.
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I've always considered my codependency something akin to an addiction to relationships. Mine stemmed from an utter lack of self-esteem from being raised in a household with an alcoholic mother and codependent father. I learned that everyone's else's feelings and needs were to be placed above mine. I learned that that was how to ensure I got what I needed to survive.
And when I was a little kid, that was true. The problem was I took that into my adult relationships where it didn't make the same kind of sense. And I thought of myself as noble and sacrificing for twisting myself into pieces in order to accommodate my partner (after all, Hollywood had been telling me my whole life this was so)--just to have any sense of self. Who was I if I wasn't someone's girlfriend or wife?
It took the implosion of my first marriage to get me to address this issue and learn to build a relationship with MYSELF that was healthy and fulfilling. And only then was I ready to have a relationship with anyone else without it being an unmitigated disaster.
And when I was a little kid, that was true. The problem was I took that into my adult relationships where it didn't make the same kind of sense. And I thought of myself as noble and sacrificing for twisting myself into pieces in order to accommodate my partner (after all, Hollywood had been telling me my whole life this was so)--just to have any sense of self. Who was I if I wasn't someone's girlfriend or wife?
It took the implosion of my first marriage to get me to address this issue and learn to build a relationship with MYSELF that was healthy and fulfilling. And only then was I ready to have a relationship with anyone else without it being an unmitigated disaster.
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Originally Posted by Staar
Ok I'll look at the readings re: codependency.
I wonder if valuing friendships more than the person values u qualifies as co dependent.... I always think I have a "tighter friendship" with people and then I realize the feelings aren't mutual.
I wonder if valuing friendships more than the person values u qualifies as co dependent.... I always think I have a "tighter friendship" with people and then I realize the feelings aren't mutual.
Why do you feel that you value the friendship more than they do? What do you see that would have you believe that?
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Well for example my best friend from college. We met in 2001 and she’s always busy.... getting her PhD ... takes quite awhile so all our post college lives was me visiting her in Boston before she got kicked out of her program , taking her out to dinner to cheer her up as I landed s job long time ago I’m not going for my PhD (which is so stupid of me to always pay as she has expensive tastes and not my fault she’s a student ) then she got into Berkeley bc she got kicked out if Bostin and had to start over well that’s another ten years so I hung in there.
Then she moved to CN as she got a job post PhD -so I visited ther and we did Manhattan and painted the town.
So all our lives she’s always moved somewhere far far away and busy studying.
She always said i was her closest friend And I envisioned her a bridesmaid at my wedding not maid of honor though.
Then two years ago after she graduated, she was home for summer as she’s a professor so we finally had time to hang out so I introduced her to some female friends as our whole lives she’s too busy for social life must study must be number one....must be whatever..
Mind u I had to listen to the whole whoa is me I’m so sad lonely and homesick all these years... my mom knows her and hasbdrm literally saying rosary praying for her to land her dream job back home as that is what she wanted....
so I was ecstatic she finally got a job home hear her family. Well as soon as she moved here ...she literally reached out to all my friends and just started taking about me.
Straught uo bizarre stuff.... like weird stuff...Very bizarre.
like intentionally slandering me so the other person doesn’t like me ... high school stuff.
thrn she told me ,” you shouldn’t bd friends with Lisa” of whom is my best friend.
lonf story short we don’t talk at all as I cannot believe she would move back here and literally have me “removed”.
Anyhow, that’s when I met my ex that I have been talking to u about.
i told him about some of my friends and he said “ your friends are just mean. I mean they are just mean”....
its true
So that’s an example of when I thought I had better friendships with people
Then she moved to CN as she got a job post PhD -so I visited ther and we did Manhattan and painted the town.
So all our lives she’s always moved somewhere far far away and busy studying.
She always said i was her closest friend And I envisioned her a bridesmaid at my wedding not maid of honor though.
Then two years ago after she graduated, she was home for summer as she’s a professor so we finally had time to hang out so I introduced her to some female friends as our whole lives she’s too busy for social life must study must be number one....must be whatever..
Mind u I had to listen to the whole whoa is me I’m so sad lonely and homesick all these years... my mom knows her and hasbdrm literally saying rosary praying for her to land her dream job back home as that is what she wanted....
so I was ecstatic she finally got a job home hear her family. Well as soon as she moved here ...she literally reached out to all my friends and just started taking about me.
Straught uo bizarre stuff.... like weird stuff...Very bizarre.
like intentionally slandering me so the other person doesn’t like me ... high school stuff.
thrn she told me ,” you shouldn’t bd friends with Lisa” of whom is my best friend.
lonf story short we don’t talk at all as I cannot believe she would move back here and literally have me “removed”.
Anyhow, that’s when I met my ex that I have been talking to u about.
i told him about some of my friends and he said “ your friends are just mean. I mean they are just mean”....
its true
So that’s an example of when I thought I had better friendships with people
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And so “ the girls” kind of excluded me from thier events just due to cattiness that I didn’t know s sites amoung our friendship and that’s when I met “Bill” and he was so sweet and fun , keyword: FUN and I’m new to the town as I moved here and it was very much a romantic world win affair it was exciting and I needed the pick me up.
i also had an extreme life or death thing happen to me right befire I met him. Like really really bad. I’m lucky to be alive.
it was very scary and life changing and I never told not one friend.... only strangers for some reason and I literally had no one to talk to.
and then I met “ Bill” and he paid ALOT of attention to me and extremely affectionate.
I was thinking today he was as high the whole time. Probably wasn’t sober once.
i can’t believe we were actively trying for kids.... what a disaster that would have been
i also had an extreme life or death thing happen to me right befire I met him. Like really really bad. I’m lucky to be alive.
it was very scary and life changing and I never told not one friend.... only strangers for some reason and I literally had no one to talk to.
and then I met “ Bill” and he paid ALOT of attention to me and extremely affectionate.
I was thinking today he was as high the whole time. Probably wasn’t sober once.
i can’t believe we were actively trying for kids.... what a disaster that would have been
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Yes, thankfully no children. Addicts make terrible parents in general.
You know, seeing as your frienemy moved so far away, it's possible you didn't know her as well as you think you did and maybe she had some good qualities, like she was fun but she sounds very self-centered.
Again, you put yourself in the role of caretaker, listening to her woes and paying for her dinner.
She doesn't want you to be friends with Lisa because that takes your focus off her, she needs to alienate the rest of them from you because she needs to be the center of attention. She sounds rather toxic and you are also well rid of her.
I would try to find some new friends, for sure. I also understand why Bill was appealing at the time, you were at a loose end. Who is to say you won't actually now meet someone nice?
You know, seeing as your frienemy moved so far away, it's possible you didn't know her as well as you think you did and maybe she had some good qualities, like she was fun but she sounds very self-centered.
Again, you put yourself in the role of caretaker, listening to her woes and paying for her dinner.
She doesn't want you to be friends with Lisa because that takes your focus off her, she needs to alienate the rest of them from you because she needs to be the center of attention. She sounds rather toxic and you are also well rid of her.
I would try to find some new friends, for sure. I also understand why Bill was appealing at the time, you were at a loose end. Who is to say you won't actually now meet someone nice?
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Staar, I am no psychologist or anything like that, and I apologize if someone already brought this up. I was thinking about how independent you are, and how it's hard to think of yourself as being the "codependent" one in the relationship. I think sometimes that just by being independent, having your stuff together, and someone else needing your stability (perhaps like "Bill" did, although you didn't give him housekeys or anything like that, just care & protection)...sometimes we get trapped in that feeling of needing to be needed? I don't know. It's just a thought that crossed my mind. Glad you are here to vent and process. And the Fentanyl...what a scary situation. I know it's terrible, but emotionally you can't afford to become more invested in anyone who is willing to touch that stuff. You are right that O.D.ing is very likely for him IF he's using. Sometimes, "bd" means "sober birthday", where they celebrate # of days sober with a cake/gathering. Whether he's in recovery or not, you are wise to back away. You deserve more, and he can't give it.
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Hi Everone: Thanks for understanding me.
Your right I deserve better thanks for reinforcing it.
I havnt had a chance to check the suggested readings but so far far, I feel co dependent on someone needing my free time After work and weekends bc they truly wanted to hang out with me (and I think that holds true. Like I said I never have given money nor paid for any of our outings. Normally I wudnt be like that bit with him u gotta watch it).
I feel codependent On looking forward to seeing him after work and eating dinner together. I feel co dependent on someone needing me- yes, thats true. Your right.
As far as the girls- thanks for telling me it’s toxic.
i isolated myself from them bc of what I mentioned plus it’s just too much petty drama for me and I’m done.
Now I’m done with “Bill”.
I just need to build a new network.
i was wondering if it’s me bc not only is Bill gone and “Lisa” but I cut off a lot of people bc they just wernt geakthy for me so it leaves not many people but ill be fine.
Yeath I forgot about the fentanyl until today.
The last time Bill and I texted (when he said he would call and didn’t and then I waited five days and then went in)- I brought up the fentanyl as I had never mentioned to him I found it.
i was like “ I really hope u are not doing that as it’s inevitable that u will die” and he says “ sober means no pills or alcohol”.
i think he was surprised about the fentanyl. That’s just crazy. I know what fentanyl is truley for and it’s not for riding his motorcycle to my condo
Your right I deserve better thanks for reinforcing it.
I havnt had a chance to check the suggested readings but so far far, I feel co dependent on someone needing my free time After work and weekends bc they truly wanted to hang out with me (and I think that holds true. Like I said I never have given money nor paid for any of our outings. Normally I wudnt be like that bit with him u gotta watch it).
I feel codependent On looking forward to seeing him after work and eating dinner together. I feel co dependent on someone needing me- yes, thats true. Your right.
As far as the girls- thanks for telling me it’s toxic.
i isolated myself from them bc of what I mentioned plus it’s just too much petty drama for me and I’m done.
Now I’m done with “Bill”.
I just need to build a new network.
i was wondering if it’s me bc not only is Bill gone and “Lisa” but I cut off a lot of people bc they just wernt geakthy for me so it leaves not many people but ill be fine.
Yeath I forgot about the fentanyl until today.
The last time Bill and I texted (when he said he would call and didn’t and then I waited five days and then went in)- I brought up the fentanyl as I had never mentioned to him I found it.
i was like “ I really hope u are not doing that as it’s inevitable that u will die” and he says “ sober means no pills or alcohol”.
i think he was surprised about the fentanyl. That’s just crazy. I know what fentanyl is truley for and it’s not for riding his motorcycle to my condo
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I took him to the hospital bc “ he was in pain”. This is before the foot severance. This is EARLY into the dating... I embarassed to say Mayby our third date???.....I guess am I co dependent.
Long story short I went to the ER with him and it’s dead In there as we are in a small town .....but still we are taking up resources plus how do we know what’s going on .....
sooooo they run tons of tests xrays blood work asking about prostate ( I just met him)...... anyways I was totally there and tried to excuse myself so he can have privacy but he insisted I stay
we hung out at the Er on a Friday night ......they cudnt find ONE thing wrong I totally expected at least a b knee torn minisvus whatever but no I heard the whole report however shockingly as they administered dilapid (spelling?).
Thats whatbtjeybgive cancer patients in hospice .... like really bad pain like going delirious the pain is so bad ..... but the doctor gives it to him!!!
Then he tells me....” I’m so high right now”,,,,,,
Long story short I went to the ER with him and it’s dead In there as we are in a small town .....but still we are taking up resources plus how do we know what’s going on .....
sooooo they run tons of tests xrays blood work asking about prostate ( I just met him)...... anyways I was totally there and tried to excuse myself so he can have privacy but he insisted I stay
we hung out at the Er on a Friday night ......they cudnt find ONE thing wrong I totally expected at least a b knee torn minisvus whatever but no I heard the whole report however shockingly as they administered dilapid (spelling?).
Thats whatbtjeybgive cancer patients in hospice .... like really bad pain like going delirious the pain is so bad ..... but the doctor gives it to him!!!
Then he tells me....” I’m so high right now”,,,,,,
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I just dropped his @ss off and I’m not kidding it’s a three minute walk.... then I didn’t hear from him so I figured when his RX wears off....
oh and thanks for the “bd” knowledge as possibly being a reference to bring sober. I didn’t even know that so Thanku I dhud be more sensitive,
HOWEVER, his bd WAS that day and I went off about that to him during my rant.
i told him I predicted he would contact me around his bd bc that’s what people do..... they resurface around thier bd and the possible monetary benefits.
so after three months he contacts me the day before his BD. How predictable
so I texted” yeah I figured u wud show up after three months around your bd bc your bored and that’s what people do. I predicted it and it happened . They show up around THIER bd and holidays never to be heard from again.”
Where were u in my BD??????? I said this
soooo no response to that....
oh and thanks for the “bd” knowledge as possibly being a reference to bring sober. I didn’t even know that so Thanku I dhud be more sensitive,
HOWEVER, his bd WAS that day and I went off about that to him during my rant.
i told him I predicted he would contact me around his bd bc that’s what people do..... they resurface around thier bd and the possible monetary benefits.
so after three months he contacts me the day before his BD. How predictable
so I texted” yeah I figured u wud show up after three months around your bd bc your bored and that’s what people do. I predicted it and it happened . They show up around THIER bd and holidays never to be heard from again.”
Where were u in my BD??????? I said this
soooo no response to that....
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I went off on him I’ve said some very nasty things butvtheyvare all true.
i asked him if he does heroin bc I was reading about opioids and all that and he never answered.
i know he doesn’t do heroin btw... he doesn’t yell back at all... just to let you all know.
Im the one that goes off and he’s tryoucalky very calm.
except that one terrible night.... so Yeath it’s over
i asked him if he does heroin bc I was reading about opioids and all that and he never answered.
i know he doesn’t do heroin btw... he doesn’t yell back at all... just to let you all know.
Im the one that goes off and he’s tryoucalky very calm.
except that one terrible night.... so Yeath it’s over
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Oh yeath re: the ER.... I forgot to mention the most weirdest point if the evening.
The ER doctor saying, “ ya know we checked everything and we just couldn’t find anything”...EXCEPT..... you have an abnormal amount of osteoarthritis in your back..... which is very weird to me as I used to work on the area and that’s just weird that a 41 yr old has arthritis in a small part of his backbone at the same rate as a much older person..... I think that’s weird .... and then she administered dilodid.... which I’m pretty sure is what cancer patients get in hospice .... it’s for extreme and I mean the most extreme pain that makes a person pass out the pain is affecting everything.. thier bp.. thier boned bones... heart ...everything it is absolutely meant to be for the most in bearable pain ...., I’m sorry but why did she do that? I felt like reporting her
The ER doctor saying, “ ya know we checked everything and we just couldn’t find anything”...EXCEPT..... you have an abnormal amount of osteoarthritis in your back..... which is very weird to me as I used to work on the area and that’s just weird that a 41 yr old has arthritis in a small part of his backbone at the same rate as a much older person..... I think that’s weird .... and then she administered dilodid.... which I’m pretty sure is what cancer patients get in hospice .... it’s for extreme and I mean the most extreme pain that makes a person pass out the pain is affecting everything.. thier bp.. thier boned bones... heart ...everything it is absolutely meant to be for the most in bearable pain ...., I’m sorry but why did she do that? I felt like reporting her
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The best part of cutting him out of your life will be that you no longer have to worry about him.
Who knows why the Dr. gave him such strong meds or why he has arthritis in his back at a relatively early age. But, not your problem now!
Moving on with your own life will bring peace to you. It might take awhile to realize, but he is/was toxic and uncaring towards you.
Buh-bye Bill!
Who knows why the Dr. gave him such strong meds or why he has arthritis in his back at a relatively early age. But, not your problem now!
Moving on with your own life will bring peace to you. It might take awhile to realize, but he is/was toxic and uncaring towards you.
Buh-bye Bill!
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Exactly! LOL
This past Sunday I went to the grocery not feeling radiant if u know what I mean.
I run into a friend of a friend from my late twenties nearly thirties dats .... always a sweet girl... we wernt tight but she was the friend to a friend of mine of whom I met thought of as a friend... LOL... always just nice and genuine... well some times gone buy... I knew she moved to Sweden.... it’s been awhile
i exited social media of alll two years ago oct 23 for personal reasons...but I saw she moved to Sweden and got married
amyways i I didn’t feel like talking... after all I’m not married childless and well... I just don’t feel like talking...
she totally calls me out ... I didn’t recognize well I kind of did
long story short this girl was genuinely interested in how I was in my life but not in an I intrusuve
nosey trying to get get the gossip six years later.... I can’t describe it but I’ve been thinking about her.... she doesn’t live here... I’ve moved and she she’s moved to Sweden now Colorado and just randim at an independent grocery in wa even though she apparently lives in Colorado ....
i think it it was meant to be... we didn’t exchange info but she was so genuinely hoping all was well in my life....I guess I’m. Not used to people like that...
This past Sunday I went to the grocery not feeling radiant if u know what I mean.
I run into a friend of a friend from my late twenties nearly thirties dats .... always a sweet girl... we wernt tight but she was the friend to a friend of mine of whom I met thought of as a friend... LOL... always just nice and genuine... well some times gone buy... I knew she moved to Sweden.... it’s been awhile
i exited social media of alll two years ago oct 23 for personal reasons...but I saw she moved to Sweden and got married
amyways i I didn’t feel like talking... after all I’m not married childless and well... I just don’t feel like talking...
she totally calls me out ... I didn’t recognize well I kind of did
long story short this girl was genuinely interested in how I was in my life but not in an I intrusuve
nosey trying to get get the gossip six years later.... I can’t describe it but I’ve been thinking about her.... she doesn’t live here... I’ve moved and she she’s moved to Sweden now Colorado and just randim at an independent grocery in wa even though she apparently lives in Colorado ....
i think it it was meant to be... we didn’t exchange info but she was so genuinely hoping all was well in my life....I guess I’m. Not used to people like that...
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