Feeling pretty strong, but hurting today
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Feeling pretty strong, but hurting today
Hi Friends,
So.... haven't been here in a while, but wanted to check in. Having a sad day, but overall I think I'm doing well.
I started seeing a therapist back in May, and I saw her weekly until just a couple of weeks ago when she left for a different job. I am supposed to schedule an appointment with another therapist in her office but am not sure if I want to, and had actually decided i wasn't going to until today... thinking it might be best to continue. I really liked seeing her, and starting over with someone else now.. Ugh...
I'm going to the gym when I don't have to pick up my kindergartener from school during my lunch hour... usually 2 times per week...
and I FINALLY finished "CoDependent No More"! Now working on 12-step workbook.
AH (Separated, no divorce initiated) is sober since mid September after a 4-day stay in the hospital with pancreatitis, due to alcohol use, dr. stated. Additionally, he is mandated to randomly alcohol test for his probation 2 times weekly now, following his arrests this summer... So motivation for him to stay sober. ... at least for now
He was evicted from the room he was renting end of September for non payment of rent. He asked me to let him come back, now that he's sober and isn't ever going to drink again due to health concerns and testing... (umm yeah ok)
I let him stay one night, but I told him that had to be it... I told him like I've been telling him since he first moved out that I still need him to be sober *at least* six months, and have a steady job, and a drivers license, before I can consider trying to work on anything with him...
He then went to stay with his new (since August) girlfriend at the girlfriend's mother's apartment..
He tells me he doesn't want to be with new girlfriend. After he sobered up he realized that. He wants to be back with me. But now, they have gotten a place to live together, because it's his only option at this time... no job, no truck, no money. ( I still think if he *really* wanted to, he could have figured out something else on his own.. but that would have required effort on his part, and well, I guess he just didn't really want to)
They are moving in next week.
I don't want him to come back at this time, and I'm proud of myself for staying strong on this... but there is definitely a part of me that wants to tell him I'm changing my mind.. that he can come back... just don't start a sober life with someone else...I wanted you to have that with ME.. Please don't have that with someone else! But I'm not going to say that... I know I can't
I have not let go of the idea that he and I will be back together in the future. Seeing him sober and nice and acting like the man I fell in love with makes it that much harder to let go of that.... But I know I have to and I have known that for a long time, so I guess I should be thankful for this.. one more thing to push me along in this grieving process and one step further to accepting then end of this marriage....
Just hard today
Thanks for reading
So.... haven't been here in a while, but wanted to check in. Having a sad day, but overall I think I'm doing well.
I started seeing a therapist back in May, and I saw her weekly until just a couple of weeks ago when she left for a different job. I am supposed to schedule an appointment with another therapist in her office but am not sure if I want to, and had actually decided i wasn't going to until today... thinking it might be best to continue. I really liked seeing her, and starting over with someone else now.. Ugh...
I'm going to the gym when I don't have to pick up my kindergartener from school during my lunch hour... usually 2 times per week...
and I FINALLY finished "CoDependent No More"! Now working on 12-step workbook.
AH (Separated, no divorce initiated) is sober since mid September after a 4-day stay in the hospital with pancreatitis, due to alcohol use, dr. stated. Additionally, he is mandated to randomly alcohol test for his probation 2 times weekly now, following his arrests this summer... So motivation for him to stay sober. ... at least for now
He was evicted from the room he was renting end of September for non payment of rent. He asked me to let him come back, now that he's sober and isn't ever going to drink again due to health concerns and testing... (umm yeah ok)
I let him stay one night, but I told him that had to be it... I told him like I've been telling him since he first moved out that I still need him to be sober *at least* six months, and have a steady job, and a drivers license, before I can consider trying to work on anything with him...
He then went to stay with his new (since August) girlfriend at the girlfriend's mother's apartment..
He tells me he doesn't want to be with new girlfriend. After he sobered up he realized that. He wants to be back with me. But now, they have gotten a place to live together, because it's his only option at this time... no job, no truck, no money. ( I still think if he *really* wanted to, he could have figured out something else on his own.. but that would have required effort on his part, and well, I guess he just didn't really want to)
They are moving in next week.
I don't want him to come back at this time, and I'm proud of myself for staying strong on this... but there is definitely a part of me that wants to tell him I'm changing my mind.. that he can come back... just don't start a sober life with someone else...I wanted you to have that with ME.. Please don't have that with someone else! But I'm not going to say that... I know I can't
I have not let go of the idea that he and I will be back together in the future. Seeing him sober and nice and acting like the man I fell in love with makes it that much harder to let go of that.... But I know I have to and I have known that for a long time, so I guess I should be thankful for this.. one more thing to push me along in this grieving process and one step further to accepting then end of this marriage....
Just hard today
Thanks for reading
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Hi Kboys,
Your first thread has this you wrote:
"I made the decision to not call the girlfriend's house, which I'm really glad I did. Called his phone though, and it rang through, so I know he's back in service area, so he must be alive. Why do I care so much, after everything he has put me through?"
Maybe set aside all judgements and explorations of why you care and simply make a decision to move forward in your life on your own path?
There's been several mentions lately here about mixed emotions and how we aren't moving forward if we're still hanging on. I found that very helpful! I hadn't even realized I'd been doing that.
To purposely, intentionally, decide to let go of thoughts, feelings and ideas that are hurting me is something I can do. One day at a time. One moment at a time. Again and again. Filling up my life with new, good, better, amazing, spectacular and wonderful.
New habits, new actions, new lives.
Your first thread has this you wrote:
"I made the decision to not call the girlfriend's house, which I'm really glad I did. Called his phone though, and it rang through, so I know he's back in service area, so he must be alive. Why do I care so much, after everything he has put me through?"
Maybe set aside all judgements and explorations of why you care and simply make a decision to move forward in your life on your own path?
There's been several mentions lately here about mixed emotions and how we aren't moving forward if we're still hanging on. I found that very helpful! I hadn't even realized I'd been doing that.
To purposely, intentionally, decide to let go of thoughts, feelings and ideas that are hurting me is something I can do. One day at a time. One moment at a time. Again and again. Filling up my life with new, good, better, amazing, spectacular and wonderful.
New habits, new actions, new lives.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,646
Hi Kboys, sorry you are having such a hard day, but it's not surprising, that's a very messed up situation to be in.
One thing that really stood out to me. He doesn't want to be with new GF but he is going to move in with her anyway because he has no where else to stay, no money etc.
Where is the integrity in that?
That's pretty horrible stuff right there. So he plays a game with her feelings to sponge off her and I guess when he gets back on his feet he'll be on his way, which may be some time as you mentioned, his effort to date has been minimal, well non-existent really.
Anyway, I am also glad you held firm in your boundaries, that's so wise, stay strong.
One thing that really stood out to me. He doesn't want to be with new GF but he is going to move in with her anyway because he has no where else to stay, no money etc.
Where is the integrity in that?
That's pretty horrible stuff right there. So he plays a game with her feelings to sponge off her and I guess when he gets back on his feet he'll be on his way, which may be some time as you mentioned, his effort to date has been minimal, well non-existent really.
Anyway, I am also glad you held firm in your boundaries, that's so wise, stay strong.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Southern US
Posts: 510
"I let him stay one night, but I told him that had to be it... I told him like I've been telling him since he first moved out that I still need him to be sober *at least* six months, and have a steady job, and a drivers license, before I can consider trying to work on anything with him..."
That is a reasonable expectation/request.
Him having a girlfriend and moving in with her turns the above into a "nevermind!" and a "Oh, HE** NO!" I don't think I'd be doing that if I were trying to win my wife and my marriage back. Alcoholism truly does make people insane. Not even joking.
That is a reasonable expectation/request.
Him having a girlfriend and moving in with her turns the above into a "nevermind!" and a "Oh, HE** NO!" I don't think I'd be doing that if I were trying to win my wife and my marriage back. Alcoholism truly does make people insane. Not even joking.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Thanks everybody... yeah i think he's full of crap too.
I know he's telling the girlfriend something totally different than what he's telling me... clearly, or she wouldn't be moving into a house with him... I don't think... I don't know.
He's never had to figure anything out on his own... like finding a place to live, or getting utilities set up... He's always had a woman to do that for him.
I even found the room for him to rent that he got evicted from .... so yeah, I believe that he believes he has no other options, because of his current circumstances(no money, no car)... and because other options would mean *he* would have to *do* something and he's just never done that before so why would he start now?...
I also believe he will say and do whatever he needs to me and to her or to whomever to get what he wants/needs at the moment... I don't think he really knows what he wants... but then I guess sometimes neither do I...
"Maybe set aside all judgements and explorations of why you care and simply make a decision to move forward in your life on your own path?"
Thank you for that Mango^^^ It feels a lot easier for me to do that when he's drinking ... When he's sober I feel like I take steps backward...
I know he's telling the girlfriend something totally different than what he's telling me... clearly, or she wouldn't be moving into a house with him... I don't think... I don't know.
He's never had to figure anything out on his own... like finding a place to live, or getting utilities set up... He's always had a woman to do that for him.
I even found the room for him to rent that he got evicted from .... so yeah, I believe that he believes he has no other options, because of his current circumstances(no money, no car)... and because other options would mean *he* would have to *do* something and he's just never done that before so why would he start now?...
I also believe he will say and do whatever he needs to me and to her or to whomever to get what he wants/needs at the moment... I don't think he really knows what he wants... but then I guess sometimes neither do I...
"Maybe set aside all judgements and explorations of why you care and simply make a decision to move forward in your life on your own path?"
Thank you for that Mango^^^ It feels a lot easier for me to do that when he's drinking ... When he's sober I feel like I take steps backward...
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
When he's sober I feel like I take steps backward...
It no longer matters who he used to be or how he used to be because he is no longer that person. And no matter how much you wish he was or think he could be again, he's not.
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option. This guy is keeping his options open with both of you woman.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Where is the integrity in that repeating what trail mix said, as it is important .
Sorry but I am not buying into his empty words.
Both sides of this coin are covered in complete bullsh*t.
I learned along time ago people only do what they want, nobody is forcing him to move in with her, and for him to say he has nowhere else to go, that too is bullsh*t there are always options, they may just not meet his desired expectations.
Not to mention his complete disregard for using another person for their own selfish gain. ZERO INTEGRITY. Good grief.
Sorry but I am not buying into his empty words.
Both sides of this coin are covered in complete bullsh*t.
I learned along time ago people only do what they want, nobody is forcing him to move in with her, and for him to say he has nowhere else to go, that too is bullsh*t there are always options, they may just not meet his desired expectations.
Not to mention his complete disregard for using another person for their own selfish gain. ZERO INTEGRITY. Good grief.
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Location: Wareham, Mass
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My addict sib, when he was younger and less personally disreputable, had a pattern of going from one woman to another. He would mooch off them til they got tired of it and kick him out, where he then proceeded to move back in with my parents and, of course, mooch off them.
Like your spouse, he was abysmal at the basics of life, paying bills, paying rent, etc.
He flunked Life 101 big time.
Sounds like your spouse is pretty adept at creating a comfortable space for himself and it doesn’t much matter the person with whom he creates it.
Like your spouse, he was abysmal at the basics of life, paying bills, paying rent, etc.
He flunked Life 101 big time.
Sounds like your spouse is pretty adept at creating a comfortable space for himself and it doesn’t much matter the person with whom he creates it.
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Originally Posted by Maudcat 
Sounds like your spouse is pretty adept at creating a comfortable space for himself and it doesn’t much matter the person with whom he creates it.
But I thought he was so perfect despite that... and charming and told me he'd never met anyone like me and all that.... and made it all sound like he was just the victim of bad luck... oh and his ex girlfriend was crazy.... I didn't see the big fat red flags back then...
I know he's saying all those same things to the new girlfriend, and telling her how crazy I am... all the while he's been bad mouthing her to me since he met her to try to stay on my good side.... Ugh, I feel bad for her
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Kboys…..the sweet elixir to our ears---"You are unique and special and no one can do for me, what you do"......powerful stuff...and, we ALL can be rendered vulnerable.....it triggers those bonding hormones like nobody's business.....
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Kboys…..the sweet elixir to our ears---"You are unique and special and no one can do for me, what you do"......powerful stuff...and, we ALL can be rendered vulnerable.....it triggers those bonding hormones like nobody's business.....
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Kb,
The bottom line.... he has been sober since August because he was in the hospital for pancreatitis, due to alcohol use, and because he has to get tested twice a week because of his arrest this summer. No other reason.
He is not sober because he wants to be. He is not working a program. He is still the manipulative dry drunk. Telling you what you want to hear... "If you don't let me live off of you, I will live off another women, even though I really want to live off of you". Nothing more.
I know you love him and want this "wonderful" man back, but he has a lot of work to do before he is your "sober prince charming". Keep working your program, stay away from his fires. He's not any where near being a healthy husband or father. Hugs!!
The bottom line.... he has been sober since August because he was in the hospital for pancreatitis, due to alcohol use, and because he has to get tested twice a week because of his arrest this summer. No other reason.
He is not sober because he wants to be. He is not working a program. He is still the manipulative dry drunk. Telling you what you want to hear... "If you don't let me live off of you, I will live off another women, even though I really want to live off of you". Nothing more.
I know you love him and want this "wonderful" man back, but he has a lot of work to do before he is your "sober prince charming". Keep working your program, stay away from his fires. He's not any where near being a healthy husband or father. Hugs!!
you're so right! I guess I need these reminders though :/
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Friend, I say this gently. If this were your child telling you someone was treating them like this, would you be ok with that? You deserve so much more.
Originally Posted by Kboys
Thanks everybody... yeah i think he's full of crap too.
I know he's telling the girlfriend something totally different than what he's telling me... clearly, or she wouldn't be moving into a house with him... I don't think... I don't know.
He's never had to figure anything out on his own... like finding a place to live, or getting utilities set up... He's always had a woman to do that for him.
I even found the room for him to rent that he got evicted from .... so yeah, I believe that he believes he has no other options, because of his current circumstances(no money, no car)... and because other options would mean *he* would have to *do* something and he's just never done that before so why would he start now?...
I also believe he will say and do whatever he needs to me and to her or to whomever to get what he wants/needs at the moment... I don't think he really knows what he wants... but then I guess sometimes neither do I...
"Maybe set aside all judgements and explorations of why you care and simply make a decision to move forward in your life on your own path?"
Thank you for that Mango^^^ It feels a lot easier for me to do that when he's drinking ... When he's sober I feel like I take steps backward...
I know he's telling the girlfriend something totally different than what he's telling me... clearly, or she wouldn't be moving into a house with him... I don't think... I don't know.
He's never had to figure anything out on his own... like finding a place to live, or getting utilities set up... He's always had a woman to do that for him.
I even found the room for him to rent that he got evicted from .... so yeah, I believe that he believes he has no other options, because of his current circumstances(no money, no car)... and because other options would mean *he* would have to *do* something and he's just never done that before so why would he start now?...
I also believe he will say and do whatever he needs to me and to her or to whomever to get what he wants/needs at the moment... I don't think he really knows what he wants... but then I guess sometimes neither do I...
"Maybe set aside all judgements and explorations of why you care and simply make a decision to move forward in your life on your own path?"
Thank you for that Mango^^^ It feels a lot easier for me to do that when he's drinking ... When he's sober I feel like I take steps backward...
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