mamabear26

So yesterday I had a missed call on my phone and a voice message. I listened to the voice message and it was from Bank of America trying to get a hold of my STBAXH. Apparently, he has been paying the two credit cards from Bank of America. He owes over 6,000 on one card and 550 on the other. The cards are not in my name but I was an authorized users on the 500 dollar credit card.

On the 6,000 dollar credit card (he got after we separated) about 5,000 dollars of the charges are at gas stations nd liquor stores. This just reaffirms my decision about me now supervising the visits. It is still frustrating that he still trys to minimize his alcoholism. He still trys to make me feel like I am the crazy one for being so overprotective of our boys but it is clear that he has no plans to make changes. Sorry I just needed to vent.

Mango212

Vent away! Great way to vocalize these frustrations.

Being an authorized user on the lower credit card, are you also responsible for the bill?

Beyond that, you've been asking for signs. This definitely seems like one.

One day at a time. No decisions to make right now.

#thankyougod

mamabear26

Luckily, I am not responsible for the credit card bill. These credit cards are not on my credit report. Just more proof of his addiction and how far he will go in obtaining alcohol. Racking up credit cards and recently going through pay day loans to get money. But for some reason to him and his family I am "the crazy one."

LLLisa

I used to get calls from my XAH's landlord when he didn't pay the rent. He never paid the rent so I got a lot of calls...I ignored them and eventually the landlord gave up and evicted him.

Those calls used to send me crazy. Why on earth would HIS landlord call ME when HE didn't pay HIS rent? Was I meant to take responsibility for him forever? It stung in the same way that it does when I hear other women say "Well, if MY husband was an alcoholic I'd just demand that he stop! Have you tried talking seriously to him?" Hahahahahahaha

mamabear26

I can relate! It is annoying that for some reason I am still apart of his irresponsibility. Did you ever tell your X about the landlord calling you? Mom seems to think that I should tell my X that they called me but I don't see the need to because it is not my responsibility to remind him to pay his bills.

SaveHer

He still trys to make me feel like I am the crazy one for being so overprotective of our boys but it is clear that he has no plans to make changes.

Two months after our daughter was born, AXBF was being erratic, belligerent, and irresponsible. When he passed out on the living room floor for hours and hours one afternoon, I investigated and found hidden bottles of vodka in the garage. When I confronted AXBF about it, he admitted to having a drinking problem and agreed to get help. One week later, he begrudgingly went with me to see a therapist. One week after that, he behaved like an insolent two-year-old at the therapy session, so much so that the therapist cancelled our next session, saying "I can't help someone who doesn't want help." When I told him I couldn't take it any more on the drive home, he threatened me, and he threatened to abduct our daughter. When I filed for a restraining order, he told the judge I was suffering from post-partum depression and "stole" his baby from him.

I am not nor was I ever suffering from post-partum depression. What I was suffering from was living under the same roof as an unpredictable alcoholic that would leave our newborn unattended on the changing table, smoke weed before falling asleep next to her and practically smothering her, and pick fights with me when I was already sleep-deprived.

I am not "the crazy one." Neither are you. No matter what he says, no matter what his family says. Protect your boys.

mamabear26

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry he did that to you and your little one. Your story just gives me motivation that I am obviously not crazy and doing the best I can do to protect my boys.

marie1960

How do you tell if an alcoholic is lying? Their lips are moving

I love when the truth presents itself., and reminds us that we are not crazy, we did not imagine a situation, we are not control freaks, we are not the one LYING, and distorting the truth. We are not the one protecting an addiction.

Hold on to the truth, mamabear it is what keeps us sane, and gives us the courage to continue on our journey to a healthy, safe and stable life.

mamabear26

That is true. Yes, I do believe it is a sign from God that I am on the right path and he is watching out for my kids and me. Giving me warning signs that danger is ahead.

mamabear26

My STBAXH in the last 2 weeks hasn't attempted to reach out to my DS11 directly. He use to text him during the week maybe 2 or 3 times but he hasn't tried to make contact with him. I remember most of you saying that in time he will slowly drop off. I am starting to see that now. DS11 doesn't seemed phased by his Dad not contacting him. He seems relieved because he doesn't have to deal with his antics and feel bad/sad for not wanting to respond.

He also never asks how the kids are doing in school or if they have any events coming up. He use to ask before. Maybe this is a sign from God that better days are to come. Less and less contact with him for my boys and me is honestly better. The boys use to get sad before when they didn't hear from him but now it seems like they are use to it. We are still attending family therapy so I am getting great feedback from my therapist.

LLLisa

No. Of course, I wanted to tell him and/or rage at him about it. But what was the point? Alcoholics do what they are going to do no matter what you or I have to say about it. Besides, it would only result in more abuse from him.

hopeful4

It does drop off in time. For my situation, it turned nasty in that he resents my DD for not wanting to spend time with him (she is old enough to choose on her own, and she does not spend time w/him b/c of his own crappy behavior). He wants to control her, but does not have the guts to say anything to her, so he tries to tell me his issues and wants me to take them up with her. Um...no. He is resentful of her, and it does hurt her just as his lack of caring and involvement will hurt your children eventually.

There is NOTHING more awful than seeing what addict behavior does to children. In the mean time, you can simply be the best mom you can be so they know you are always there for them. That's what means so much.

Huge hugs from one momma to another!

Mango212

The lack of caring can also be a strong protective force.
Kids are adaptable. I'm coming to find that I am, too.

#thankyougod #healthyconnections #newdirections

trailmix

I'm going to guess they were sadder before because they were used to having Dad around and all of this seemed very foreign.

Now, seeing him means getting up early and going somewhere and sitting around a house with drunks in the backyard and Dad probably drinking too (perhaps not right in front of them but he wouldn't be very attentive).

Alternately they could be at home with Mom or out playing with no fear, where things are normal.

As for him losing interest, no doubt the penny has dropped that things are going to change and he will <gasp> actually have to be sober when he says he will. That's asking too much. Also, keeping that effort up is a lot of work!

Of course they are worth it but as you know, alcohol will always come first. Always.

I think in the longer run this will certainly be easier on you and actually on them too, the more he detaches.

Mango212

Hi mamabear,

How are things going?